How much do I tell her?

[shaun]

Three weeks ago while Pinky was attending her mother who was in the hospital I had a very bad auto accident. I had to go to the hospital to be checked out.  I was covered in blood but was not serious just little cuts on the side of my face and ear where broken glass showered me.

I didn't say anything to Pinky because of her mothers illness and I didn't want to ad to her concern.  But now that everything is OK should I tell her or keep it to myself?

I keep seeing where the married men on this site get frustrated but also joke about it because Chinese women do not want to bother us with such trivial matters.  Then the husband is the last one to know what is going on.  Does that thinking go both ways?  Do we treat them the same way and not share trivial matters?

Thanks,

Shaun

P.S. I will have more questions on this thread later.

[David]

I agree... full disclosure and honesty is always best, but you don't want to scare her!:angel:

That worked best for me when I had to tell Anna I had renal cell carsinoma.  I broke things down in stages to explain everything to her, kept a positive attitude, and always let her know that my prognosis was good.  I have to admit when I found out I had cancer I was more worried about Anna than myself.  I knew that I would have to postpone my trip to China and that something could go wrong during my treatment.  Anna stood by me like a trooper, not that there was ever any doubt!:icon_biggrin:

Big Dave

[MLM]

Shaun, I would tell her but, in a way that she will know you were not hurt and it was a small thing, downplay the size of the accident, don't show any photos, and speaking of which, what the devil hit your bus?

[David E]

Shaun
Would you feel in neccessary to tell her if you cut yourself shaving ?

No harm and no damage to you. It is not earthshaking news and why get her worried (I am sure she will worry that you hide the full story from her, to protect her feelings).

I personally wouldnt say anything.

If you were really hurt, or broke some bones...that is different.

DavidE

[Scottish_Rob]

After I went for my Tennis elbow operation the other weeks, which she already knew I was going for...I  told Keren about the scar and that I had 12 stitche's on my arm as a result of it.  I played it down saying it was only a small operation...Because of the amount of stitches I had, she got worried and said that, that wasn't a small op..

No matter what you tell her shaun mate...she will still worry:huh:

[Voiceroveip]

Maybe it's all about the way you tell her:

"I didn't want to worry you, but I also don't want to keep anything from you, ..."

This just shows you care and you're honest, I think she would appreciate that.

[shaun]

Shaun, I would tell her but, in a way that she will know you were not hurt and it was a small thing, downplay the size of the accident, don't show any photos, and speaking of which, what the devil hit your bus?

Mike,

It was a semi-dump truck going about 80 mph. He reached for a soft drink out of his cooler on the floor and came into my lane about 5 foot. I barely had time to swerve and make it a glancing blow to the driver compartment and all the way down the side of the bus.  Several windows were broken and glass everywhere.  When I gathered my wits I wanted to go over and kick his... well you know. He would have more than likely kicked mine since he was half my age and had a couple of inches on me.  He never even saw the hit, he felt it though.

At first I wasn't going to say anything to Pinky but thought I might so that it wouldn't slip out later.  After I saw some of the things Paul's wife has been writing about training I thought maybe I should say something and I agree with as little as possible; play it down.

No matter what you tell her shaun mate...she will still worry:huh:

This is one of the main reasons I haven't said anything yet.  I know she will worry.  Not me, I got in one of them big yellow things the next day and went to work, a little sore but I went.

Maybe it's all about the way you tell her:

"I didn't want to worry you, but I also don't want to keep anything from you, ..."

This just shows you care and you're honest, I think she would appreciate that.

Good way of putting it Voice. I'll use it just like I wrote it all by myself. :icon_cheesygrin:

Thanks!!!!!

Enough about this guy's.

Next question: How much should we explain about the cause of our divorce?  I've told her very little but she but she beats around the bush like she is wanting to know more.  I have been thinking I would explain more once we meet face to face so she can see me in a different light.  It is not any earth shattering about me and I do not really want to talk evil about the ex. So where is the balance?

[shaun]

MIke,

Yes, at first I thought it was serious.  I called 911 and talked with them.  They asked me what time the accident happened, I pulled the phone away from my face and it was covered in blood.  I almost passed out when I saw the blood.  I leaned again the bus and got my wits about me.  The ambulance arrived and I got in.  Soon they said no problem; foreheads scalps and ears bleed more blood than they can hold.  It was a scare for nothing.  I'm fine.  I have one broken tooth back in the jaw which will be repaired soon.

Mike gotta tell you God was with me; it could have been much worse.  No scars, no memory loss, no blurred vision, all is well.

Guys, second question!!!!  Forget it.  I realized that she was giving me a complement.  She says, "I do not understand why she left you? What is the problem?"  I have discussed it with her without telling all of it.  So I didn't understand why she has asked the same question a few times.  I realize she is paying me a complement.  She is saying that there was no real reason for my wife to leave.

[shaun]

Mike,

Thanks for the comment.  I guess after 27 years of marriage I look for the second meaning in what is said but it was plain and simple.  It seems we are getting closer and closer the last few weeks. I am really encouraged.

Shaun

[Brian Mc]

Greetings Brothers,

Shaun I guess your second question depends on the lady.  

When I was writing to the first lady that I was serious about my divorce was a major source of concern to her.  every letter she asked if I would go back to my EX, how much longer would it take, she didnt know if she could wait etc etc.  This was every letter mind you.

So when I started to write to Zhen I put the entire thing in my first letter.  By the way you can read that letter in the first letter thread.  Feel free to use what is helpful to you if you wish.  Since i put the entire thing in her face as it were my divorce has never been an issue for Zhen.  We are now engaged waiting only fr my divorce to finalize so we can marry.  However Zhen has said many times that she will wait for as long as it takes.

Anyway the point here is each lady will react differently for some its a big deal for others not so much.

Personally I would lay it all out and get clear of any issues before it becomes a reason to come back and haunt you.  Honestly in all things is what I told Zhen.  You ask the question you get the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help me...

Anyway as always do what you feel you must, but for me I feel that the more honest and open we are even with the bad stuff the better and stronger your relationship will be.

If you could read Zhens letter to me after I returned to Canada you would see for yourself what full and open disclosure can do for your relationship.  My Zhen is a phenominally wonderful woman with her head on right,and I am the luckiest guy in the world to have her.

So my advice is tell her everything and work through it together.  It can only make your relationship stronger, and if it hurts your relationship then again better now than later.

Regards,

 Zhen and Brian

[shaun]

Guys,

I did as some has suggested and of course she commented. I guess it was sort of a rebuke. This is what she wrote. "And my dearest Shaun. Why didn't you tell me the accident untill now!!!  I do want to share everything with you. Not only happiness but also sorrow."

As usual many of your were right.  I said very little and she still says "until now!!!"  I can imagine that she went on for 30 minutes about it.  I guess I had better get used to it, bit I know it is out of concern.  I wonder if I am being trained right now? Maybe I should ask Ming Zhi? :icon_cheesygrin:  That thread is real eye opening for me.

Pinky and I are making some real progress that I may explain more in my Crossroads thread in a day or two.  I am beginning to open and reveal a little more each letter.  It seems to be going well as far as I can tell.

Brian I think your reveal all approach has worked well for you but I can see it work against a man too.  I think I like the bite size approach. Divorces can be so messy.  Ours was suppose to be amicable but has turned to, "Well, the document said... but I really meant... but the Judge didn't say that... but it is here in the divorce papers... I can't do that right now... That's your problems...  The one thing I am learning is that no two divorces are the same and what the couple agreed on yesterday does not mean that they agree on that today.

I don't think I need to share all of that with Pinky; all at once; plus divorce in China is so different that it is here in America.  This being my first and last divorce sometimes I am not sure what to do when talking with Pinky so I've decided to say a little so she wont be completely out of the picture as to what has happened but give her so much as to overwhelm her.  If she has questions and believe me she does when I talk about something I explain a little more to her.

Shaun

[David E]

Guys,

I did as some has suggested and of course she commented. I guess it was sort of a rebuke. This is what she wrote. "And my dearest Shaun. Why didn't you tell me the accident untill now!!!  I do want to share everything with you. Not only happiness but also sorrow."

As usual many of your were right.  I said very little and she still says "until now!!!"  I can imagine that she went on for 30 minutes about it.  

See.....I told you so :icon_cheesygrin::icon_cheesygrin::icon_cheesygrin:

The accident was no big deal, you were not hurt.....now you got into trouble !!!

The divorce IS big deal...and you decide to keep quiet. !!!

Shaun, I will have to come over there and kick yer A**s :icon_cheesygrin::icon_cheesygrin:

DavidE

[Buzz]

I am sorry; I lost something here!  

Did we not have a major meltdown and several posts concerning how much information the ladies or the agencies were withholding.  Did I not read the outrage and frustration of not knowing the ‘WHOLE TRUTH’?  You start holding ‘secrets’ back, because it might or might not hurt the relationship; this is a very steep and slippery mountain you are standing on and it  will not end well.  Professing never ending love, and then using that love to deceive the ladies does not seem to fit together.  Lies of omission are just as damning as spoken lies. Well we are not married yet, so it can wait a while longer, sorry this just does make sense.  We men cannot have it all our way.  That being said, I am reminded of a saying I heard once.  
A man came home and the first thing he did was look under the bed and in the closet.  When asked by a marriage counselor as to why, he did not answer.  The marriage counselor remarked, that unless you have been under the bed or in the closet, there is no reason to suspect any one else would be hiding there.  

Don’t tell me you are keeping these items secret for the good of your relationship.  This just doesn’t work for me.

[shaun]

I am sorry; I lost something here!  

Did we not have a major meltdown and several posts concerning how much information the ladies or the agencies were withholding.  Did I not read the outrage and frustration of not knowing the ‘WHOLE TRUTH’?  You start holding ‘secrets’ back, because it might or might not hurt the relationship; this is a very steep and slippery mountain you are standing on and it  will not end well.  Professing never ending love, and then using that love to deceive the ladies does not seem to fit together.  Lies of omission are just as damning as spoken lies. Well we are not married yet, so it can wait a while longer, sorry this just does make sense.  We men cannot have it all our way.  That being said, I am reminded of a saying I heard once.  
A man came home and the first thing he did was look under the bed and in the closet.  When asked by a marriage counselor as to why, he did not answer.  The marriage counselor remarked, that unless you have been under the bed or in the closet, there is no reason to suspect any one else would be hiding there.  

Don’t tell me you are keeping these items secret for the good of your relationship.  This just doesn’t work for me.

Buzz,

Thanks for your comments.  I think you either missed the point or I didn't explain it well enough. I am not withholding information rather giving it to her in bit size chunks.  The other point is why tell her something before it plays out completely.  I've been upfront but until all of the financial has played out why tell her one thing and then amend it, and then amend the amend. I am not a divorce expert her only having had one but from everything I have heard and am seeing happen before my face is that things change.

I don't want to air all the dirty laundry here but I'll try it like this.  Lets just say that she is suppose to give me $3000.00 now and when the house sells I am to give her $1500.00.  The way she may see it is that I'[ll only give him $1500.00 and we are even. But the judgement says 3K then 1500. Now I may need that xtra 1500 to get the house ready or I may have planned to use it to pay bills.  So what do you do.  Do you press the legal issue with the ex or do you make do and settle for the 1500.00.  Then she is suppose to share in a profit.  Court says liquidate and divide profits. I tell her market is down lets wait 6 months and then liquidate and divide.  Now, I gave her the benefit on the 1500.00 but now she says but the documents say liquidate.  It is time to ponder again, how do I handle this.

So, lets take this another step. based on the documents I commit to go to China in 2 months and spend 2 weeks.  Because of the issues about it looks like I will need to delay a little while longer. From the beginning of joining this web site I've had it drilled into me, "when you say you will do something you had better follow through with it."  So I've been telling her as we final out the settlement I will get ****.** and I will have to give her ****.**.  So now I tell her, Well, it looks like now I will have to give her *****.** and I will get less plus I will have to delay trip by two months.

What do you think she is going to say and do.  This man is a flake and has no commitment. I better look for another. OR I hold my tongue for a little while and when I know how things will settle out and I know when I can go tell her.

Do you understand what I am saying now?  This is the kind of thing I am and have been dealing with.  This is why I don't want to say very much.  I'm not trying to hide I just know after 27 years how my ex is.

Good grief you've been there you know when it comes to divorce when they file we play their game.

Shaun

Guys,

I did as some has suggested and of course she commented. I guess it was sort of a rebuke. This is what she wrote. "And my dearest Shaun. Why didn't you tell me the accident untill now!!!  I do want to share everything with you. Not only happiness but also sorrow."

As usual many of your were right.  I said very little and she still says "until now!!!"  I can imagine that she went on for 30 minutes about it.  

See.....I told you so :icon_cheesygrin::icon_cheesygrin::icon_cheesygrin:

The accident was no big deal, you were not hurt.....now you got into trouble !!!

The divorce IS big deal...and you decide to keep quiet. !!!

Shaun, I will have to come over there and kick yer A**s :icon_cheesygrin::icon_cheesygrin:

DavidE

David,

Surely you can't kick any harder than my ex does.

Shaun

[JimB]

Shaun, I agree with the way you are doing it.  Except why give her all the financials until you are really engaged.  I gave her a general idea of my financial picture prior to, but the full extent was really none of her business until we decided to marry. In my opinion I did not want that playing into a decision other than her knowing I could take care of her.  After we were engaged a full disclosure came.