How much do I tell her?

[Buzz]

Shaun,
Each of us has to follow his own path.  How you deal with this issue is yours to own and live with.  The question as I see it is; what would you want to know if the situation were reversed.  What if there were issues facing your lady, would you not want to know?  Life changes, here in America as well as China, and I understand that the ladies we are talking with are not fragile crystal dolls.  They understand life is sometimes very messy, but they want someone that they can trust completely.  To tell someone just what you told the forum is honest.  The facts that small items change are irrelevant from my point of view, the fact that you are sharing life as it happens is much more important.  But as I say, each of us has his own way of looking at a given situation.  As far as my divorce went, you are completely wrong.  My ex and I sat down and filled out the paperwork and went before the judge together.  There were no lawyers, no surprises, and our children have always said that they were very happy with both parents for the way we did our divorce.  If the past is keeping you from enjoying the present and delaying the future, I would find a way to get away from the past.  These are just my thoughts on love, money, happiness, and most of all life.  

Buzz

[shaun]

Shaun, I agree with the way you are doing it.  Except why give her all the financials until you are really engaged.  I gave her a general idea of my financial picture prior to, but the full extent was really none of her business until we decided to marry. In my opinion I did not want that playing into a decision other than her knowing I could take care of her.  After we were engaged a full disclosure came.

Jim,

Thanks for the support and comment.  We are of the same mind.  I was using that as an example. I really don't think what is happening between my ex and I is anyones business and will not air it all out here.  I created an example and chose money rather than other issues to explain the kinds of things that are going on.

I will not disclose all but give Pinky a broad overview of what is happening.  She will ask questions every now and then if she does not get the picture.  Then she might ask about marriage laws in America.  She understands that what I give her is painted with a broad brush just as she does with me.  Once we are both sure about the relationship then we will get to the nuts, bolts and washers.

Shaun

[Brian Mc]

Greetings Brothers,

Shaun, I understand what you are saying about the gory details as it were.  I am not saying to give Pinky every detail.  I am saying that in order for a relationship to work there must be trust and honesty.My situation on divorce is somewhat similar to yours.  We started out amicable and worked to make it a ssmooth as possible, but things just have a habit of getting messed up.  For me for instance the equity of the house that she is supposed to pay me was supposed to be done by Aug 24.  Its now a month later and I am still waiting.  Things like this happen.

I am not saying tell Pinky everything like that but rather the general overview the anticipated timeline, the next step down the road etc.  The more you keep her in the loop the easier it is for her to be understanding and supportive.  Give her the chance to feel that your relationship is important to you in that you feel you can trust her with this stuff and you will find that your relationship will grow.

As Jimb said I gave Zhen my basic financial picture before I went to China and then after we were engaged I gave her a more in depth picture.  However the money thing doesnt matter much to Zhen.  All she wants to know is can we have a reasonable life together in China or Canada.

Its hard to tell sometimes how much info to share with these ladies and only you know how well things are progressing between you.  For me I have learned the hard way that the more up front and honest I am the better the end result is.  If it drives the lady away then its better done at the start before too much time and emotion have been invested.  But thats just my view.

Each one of us must decide for his own self, and thats why we ask the questions here.  We have dozens of regular posters who are willing to take the time and energy to respond with honest and heartfelt advice and sometimes a swift kick in the rear.

We are all lucky when you think of it that we have a resource such as this.  Every one of us is going down the same road, we just dont have to walk it alone.  To me that is one of the greatest strengths of our brotherhood.

Good luck Shaun in whatever you decide, ultimately only you can make thchoice of what to say or not.

Regards,

Zhen and Brian

[shaun]

Shaun,
Each of us has to follow his own path.  How you deal with this issue is yours to own and live with.  The question as I see it is; what would you want to know if the situation were reversed.  What if there were issues facing your lady, would you not want to know?  Life changes, here in America as well as China, and I understand that the ladies we are talking with are not fragile crystal dolls.  They understand life is sometimes very messy, but they want someone that they can trust completely.  To tell someone just what you told the forum is honest.  The facts that small items change are irrelevant from my point of view, the fact that you are sharing life as it happens is much more important.  But as I say, each of us has his own way of looking at a given situation.  As far as my divorce went, you are completely wrong.  My ex and I sat down and filled out the paperwork and went before the judge together.  There were no lawyers, no surprises, and our children have always said that they were very happy with both parents for the way we did our divorce.  If the past is keeping you from enjoying the present and delaying the future, I would find a way to get away from the past.  These are just my thoughts on love, money, happiness, and most of all life.  

Buzz

Buzz,

The way you your divorce ended is how ours started.  We were in agreement; I did research and drafted papers; everything was good, children were amazed, all was good.  We went before the judge w/o lawyers.  The judge rejected it; told us to get a lawyer. He didn't like the document I drew up and didn't like settlement.  He told me we have a right to represent ourselves and that we seem amicable but if we made the corrections ourselves he would go over the document with a fine tooth comb.  If there was one word misspelled or incorrect phrase or anything missing he would reject it.  So, she got a lawyer and that was when everything went south.

I see what you are saying but I don't agree with you. I am not about to tell her one thing and then change it a month later.  She seems to be good with how things are going.  She told me she would hang in there.

Brian,

We are on the same page.

Everyone, I have said all I am going to say about the last few posts.  There is not reason to drag all of the crap out and re-hash it on the internet.  I feel I said too much already.  Just for the record though, I am not being dishonest with Pinky.  There will be be a revealing of all when and if we decide to get married.  End of subject.

Shaun