This is what I am going to do. Suggestions and advice please

[yoshiii]

Hello
I am writing to 5 ladies right now trying to figure out which one is best for me. I am going to do this slow and carefully. I am going to ask questions, going to get to know them, use skype, MSN, Yahoo, QQ and all to get to know her. I am going to talk , request photos and everything,

I have been married before, married when I was super young, still in college, It was not that long ago but I want to make sure she is the right one. Since people who meet their wives through this way(China love) don't really have the chance to get to know them every week in person like they would if they lived in the same area, I want to make sure she is the one for me.

I am not going to pick one right away unless some how she blows me away through QQ or something. I want and need to see this person, feel the feelings between us and see if this is the person I want to be with. I will not commit to a girlfriend/boyfriend relationship until after I met them at least one time.  After I have visited the ones I am writing to, than I will decide who I want to at least start the girlfriend boyfriend relationship with. Unless a lady blows me away and I decide to date her then.  

I am not going to rush through this and I am going to be careful. Remember this is the women that I will spend the rest of my life with. I want to make sure I am attracted to her inside and out. I want to be able to look at her 20 years from now and say wow I made a great choice. I want to make sure I am attracted to everything about her, want to make sure that she is the only women that I will ever want to make love to. That means no blindly making any decisions.

I live in Japan so it will make it easier and cheaper for me to travel to see them.
What are everyone's thoughts and opinions on this?

[brett]

I started by writing to a few. But the replies I got from one lady were head and shoulders above the rest (i.e. she took time to reply to all my questions). I also found out we had a few things in common [although it must be said that most of the women have the same hobbies!]. We also have similar cubicle slave jobs, and we want the same things out of life.

I've only been writing to a single lady for a while now. It was difficult to carry on with several.

[Brian Mc]

Greetings Brothers,

Yoshiii, when I first started I was writing to four at a time then added the one I thought was the one so five.  Within a week I dropped the other 4 ( nicely of course) and concentrated on the one I thought was it.  Well that did not work out and in the falling apart stage I wrote to one lady who had sent me an admirer letter.  That lady is my Zhen, and we are now engaged.

I found that while it was nice to get many letters every week from multiple ladies it did make it really hard to figure which would be the better choice.

Personally if I were in your shoes I would pick the one you have had the greateset response from and go with her.  It is really difficult to really get to know these ladies when you are spreading yourself over 4 or 5.  

To me it seems that you hold back too much because you cannot make up your mind, and eventually the ladies will figure it out.

Now here is the really important part to my mind.  These ladies are looking for a husband not a chatting buddy.  Sure as I say its nice to get all the letters but you are in essence leading on 4 or 5 ladies who will all be hurt when you finally choose the one.  If you have been writing to them all for over a week I would say its time to thin them out and select the one you feel is best.

To often when I was in China with Zhen I heard from her friends and the ladies at her agency of men who were just fooling around and not willing to commit.  To me that is just so rude and hurtful to the ladies.  They are by and large deadly serious when searching for their husband and leading them on only to dump them later only causes them needless pain embarassment and suffering.

So I suggest pick one, let the rest down as easily as you can and get serious about this whole thing.  If you re not prepared to commit then I say why are you here.

Anyway that as always is just my opinion, shared by my Zhen by the way so do what you feel you want to, but remember these ladies are real people and they will be hurt when you finally make up your mind.

Regards,

Zhen and Brian

[David E]

I think Mike has got it right !

Very few Men here deliberately write to several Women for shallow or flippant reasons. It is very unlikely (but possible) that the first one you write to will be the last.

When a woman comes along who "floats your boat"...then unfortunately, the others will have to go...sad but true. But it does not mean you are being cruel to the others deliberately. Surely the same applies to the Women too ?? If they are corresponding with several Men and one comes along who captures their heart...then the others will get dropped.....and you might be the unfortunate one that gets dropped !!!

Of course, it depends what you are saying to these "multiple" women...if you are telling each of them that you are madly in love etc, etc, and talking about marriage and "forever" , then you are in dangerous Country....you ARE leading them on...not ethical.

Personally, I would never speak about this subject to ANY woman in an EMF and whom I had never met in person and got to know very well face-to-face.

As for "comittment".........it is easy to make a paper comittment...but bloody hard to get out of it if you get it wrong. For the right woman, all of us here will gladly make such a comittment. Trick is, finding the right one...the eternal quest.

Brian, the reason we are here is to find the right woman to comitt to, but not to make promises to the first woman who appeals to us to satisfy some sort of honourable death trap that can be the result of getting it wrong. If you are seriously suggesting that an EMF correspondence for 1 week is enough to drop everything and make life changing decisions about you and her...then I most strongly disagree.

But:

"If you want to make an omelette...you gotta break an egg"

DavidE

[Buzz]

I believe that you cannot stop your life with just a couple of EMF letters.  For me I tend to write only one person at a time until I make a decision as to whether or not to continue the relationship.  So far I have seriously written to three ladies, I truly believe that this will be my last Chinese Lady.  Not saying marriage as I have not had the face-to-face meeting, and have not declared my ‘undying love’ as I only have letters to base my feelings upon.  But this lady is different from the past, so who knows, (I have a back-up plan in place for my trip). There is a process of selection that must take place in the ‘sterile’ environment of cyber space, but unless you are very wealthy, and very detailed oriented, it is necessary to take a chance and concentrate on just one lady.  Every time you open China Love you are hit with over 7000 ladies in waiting, so the temptation is always there.  The other issue is; how many men do you want your lady talking with while she is in communication with you?  Be considerate and know full well that if you are talking to multiple ladies for the same agency, they will find out.  

Buzz

[shaun]

Yoshiii,

All I can say is that if you can keep up with five you are the man.  I kept up with 2 and for a very short season 3.  I was always going back and forth through EMF's trying to remember what I said to who, trying to not make a mistake.

I moved back to 1 at a time.  It was much easier.

Shaun

[JimB]

The only thing I would ask of you, if you want to continue with the way you are doing this, is to be honest with them about it.  tell them what you are doing.  If they are ok with it fine, if not then they can make the choice not to continue with you.  If you do not tell them, ask yourself this, is this to really find a wife or to satisfy your own ego?  I am not saying it is, because i do not know you.  Just ask yourself, then put yourself in their shoes and do what you think is right so your conscience is clear.  Remember the old saying, "do unto others as ye would have them do unto you"

[maxx]

The only thing I would ask of you, if you want to continue with the way you are doing this, is to be honest with them about it.  tell them what you are doing.  If they are ok with it fine, if not then they can make the choice not to continue with you.  If you do not tell them, ask yourself this, is this to really find a wife or to satisfy your own ego?  I am not saying it is, because i do not know you.  Just ask yourself, then put yourself in their shoes and do what you think is right so your conscience is clear.  Remember the old saying, "do unto others as ye would have them do unto you"

Good point Sarge

[Brian Mc]

Greetings Brothers,

David E, No I was not suggesting that at all.  However this of course depends on how many letters a week you are receiving from each lady.  In my case I send a letter every day sometimes two.  After a week there should be some substance or not to determine if each lady is worth continuing on with.  Basically what I am saying is its very hard as Shaun said to keep straight in your head what was said to each and how they replied to you.

So the longer you continue with multiple relationships the harder it is to keep track of who said what and how they replied.  Also some people can decide that this one is the one in only a week.  Zhen and I did it.

However I also had David 5o covering my back as it were and making sure I was using my brain as well as my heart.  But then as I have said many times Zhen and I are destined to be together,we both agree on this so for us it was really easy.

We have discussed virtually every subject of importance to a couple at length and are on the same page on all things.  Luck?  yes very lucky but when the one comes along I firmly believe if your eyes are open you will see it and the other ladies need to be let go.

Its tough enough connecting and keeping one lady as we have all seen on these forums even after meeting in person, so to try to keep multiple ladies going over an extended period is folly in my view.

Of course this is the true value of this forum isnt it.  Multiple perspectives on all issues with all having valid points.

So I stand by what I said in that the sooner you narrow it down to one the better the relationship can progress.  Sure its wonderful writing to several but there comes a point in time when commitment is due, some of us just get there faster than others.

Regards,

Zhen and Brian

[David]

I think if you are going to go that route you need to be up front and honest with all the women and tell them you are writing and visiting 5 of them and plan to choose one.  If not then you are not being honest with them and it is not fair and you will hurt some of these woman badly.  If you are lucky you will find the one before you visit...  go with what your heart and instinct tell you is right!:heart:

Big Dave

[Voiceroveip]

Same as some others, it should happen to you what happened to me recenly, one lady simply started attracting me a lot more than the others, and when I realized that I stopped writing to these. So if you're managing to write to 5 at the same time, I would say that you haven't found yet whom you're looking for. Oh and honesty pays, if you do continue, tell the ladies!

[David K]

Ancient Chinese Saying:
"Man who chase two rabbits catch neither"
:icon_biggrin:

[yoshiii]

I think Mike has got it right !

Very few Men here deliberately write to several Women for shallow or flippant reasons. It is very unlikely (but possible) that the first one you write to will be the last.

When a woman comes along who "floats your boat"...then unfortunately, the others will have to go...sad but true. But it does not mean you are being cruel to the others deliberately. Surely the same applies to the Women too ?? If they are corresponding with several Men and one comes along who captures their heart...then the others will get dropped.....and you might be the unfortunate one that gets dropped !!!

Of course, it depends what you are saying to these "multiple" women...if you are telling each of them that you are madly in love etc, etc, and talking about marriage and "forever" , then you are in dangerous Country....you ARE leading them on...not ethical.

Personally, I would never speak about this subject to ANY woman in an EMF and whom I had never met in person and got to know very well face-to-face.

As for "comittment".........it is easy to make a paper comittment...but bloody hard to get out of it if you get it wrong. For the right woman, all of us here will gladly make such a comittment. Trick is, finding the right one...the eternal quest.

Brian, the reason we are here is to find the right woman to comitt to, but not to make promises to the first woman who appeals to us to satisfy some sort of honourable death trap that can be the result of getting it wrong. If you are seriously suggesting that an EMF correspondence for 1 week is enough to drop everything and make life changing decisions about you and her...then I most strongly disagree.

But:

"If you want to make an omelette...you gotta break an egg"

DavidE

Thats right, I agree. That is my point. I have tried the only talk to one and was disappointed.
I am not telling them anything about love and commitments . i am learning about them, and finding out who they are. some I have figured out that I am really not that into, also some of them don't write me so much now either.
So I am not going to go with one until as David said, I meet them face to face to see how they are. Since this is online dating, the rules have changed. If I was in the same city as the lady, of course I would only date one lady at a time. But I would be able to see and talk to the lady in person, so I would know if I would want to continue dating before boyfriends and girlfriends.
I am not going to make any kind of boyfriend girlfriends commitment to any one until after I have met them and spent time with them
And the chatting and webcam works. I feel as if I am getting to know the person.
I am not just chatting it up, no time to waste for that.
[align=justify]
Remember, I am not looking forward to writing multiple women. Their were two that I really liked and one that I chose, the one that I chose just started to not write so much, didnt even do the QQ after she had given me her id. Things were going good at first , but later fell off. There are many ladies who do not know what they want. They say that they want this and that and than they are always busy and want you to wait for them.
So remember these ladies are not waiting in some container for you to say yes and they pop out for you when you chose them. The lady left the website claiming she couldnt find any one. The other that I chose,she wrote at first and than didn't write anyone because she didn't really want to sign up for this site because  her mom made her sign up. Later she came back and said she had decided to use the site and than she stop writing and poof gone now. So this is something that I am trying because I am tired of writing to someone and them not knowing what they want or whatever. Which mean I have to keep starting over.
So I am treating this in a different manner.  I am going to choose the one that I feel I connect with and who shows initiative in wanting to communicate more beyond using EMFs. Someone who I can see their expressions, hear their voice and actually talk and email them and later meet in person. That is how I am going to find the right one.
Letters can only go so far.

I am not going to base a life changing decision on EMFS and I feel this is the right person thinking so early like that.
[/align]

[brett]

Yes I think it is better to stick to the ladies who are over 30, no matter how lovely the young ones look!

Mine is almost 30 (but then I am 37). I am pushing the age limits slightly, as my girl is a fitness fanatic (as are most of them!) and I think I will struggle with her energy levels at times. I think if I wasn't bothered about starting a family then I would look for someone over 35.

I worry my girl is being pressurised into marriage. But her parents do know about me, and her profile mentioned she was specifically looking for a Western man.

As soon as I found a lady I really liked I stopped writing to all the others. I usually knew after the first 2 EMFs if a lady was worth persuing.

[David E]

I usually knew after the first 2 EMFs if a lady was worth persuing.

Brett

Care to share with us what sort of information led you to know after 2 EMF's that the Lady was or was not worth persuing ?

My experience is that at the "2 EMF" level, you've barely got past the basic Bio stage.

Thanks

DavidE