Strange situation please help

[yoshiii]

Hello
I have been writing to a certain lady for the past month. I had written to the lady before in the late spring and she was choosing between only writing  to me or another guy. Well that was the time that I was unsure of using the China Love service and didnt trust this way of meeting someone. So I was writing to her and was interested but I didn't write often as much as I should have. She chose the other guy because she thought I wasn't going to choose her and she had to make a choice.  She told me that she was leaving the site and that she had choosen the other guy.
 
Well fast forward to this month. She put her profile back on China Love and rightway on the same day I sent her a EMF. I was happy that she had returned because since the last time I have decided to try China love and I wanted another chance with her.
This time she changed her first name. Kind of strange, last name was the same. It is the same lady, even the pics are the same. She didn't remember me though.

Well we have been writing pretty good describing ourselves and our life. We have emailed about 5 detailed letters a piece each to each other. So I would say that we are developing a good friendship.  

One thing is that she comes from a rich family background but she says that she doesn't live in that life style now while living by herself. But she likes shopping and buy ing brand name stuff and cheap stuff and so on. I will not tell about her career but she does some good things for her career, if she wanted to marry a rich man I think she could with no problem. Before when we were talking in the spring, she mentioned that she was tired of rich men and wanted someonewho is good as a husband.

Well now she sent me a a letter telling me that she wants to be able to continue to buy things like she is now, to keep her lifestyle. Well I do not know how much money she spends on her life style. She says that she buys brand name things and cheap things. But brand name could be something like Levis or something like Louis Vitton.
She also says that she doesn't live a very luxurious  life style now.
She says that I know her background, that she grew up in a rich family(I didn't learn this until one letter ago.), I know her living standards( until now no I didn't, I kind of figured maybe what her lifestyle is based on her job but wasn't sure), I know what she wants out of life( good marriage, kids and a house, which is normal, thats what I want), she says it is very important for her and that she never had to worry about money growing up and has always bought what she wanted.
She wants to know if her future husband can afford her living standards. She says that she is looking for her soul mate but that this is very important for her.

After this I was sad and than I became disappointed in her. All of this time that we have talked, and she claimed before(in the spring)  that she wasn't after a rich man because she wanted love and a good family. Now she wants her future husband to afford her living standards?  What?  I am missing something here?  Someone please break it down for me and explain what she is saying so I can be sure that I understand correctly.
Did you she just do a 180 degree gold dig move?  
Does this sound as if she is going to quit her job and expect me to pay for everything?
Has she forgotten that she is trying to meet a westerner and not some Chinese guy who is ready to throw  money at her?
We have had some good emails to each other. Learning about each other. She knows what my job is and I am pretty sure that she knows that it is not a rich job.
She asked me if I could provide for her life like this.
First I was like...Huh? What?? you have to be joking!
What kind of crap is this to ask me and we haven't even met in person or decided on a relationship(boyfriend/girlfriend). We are still learning about each other. She says that she likes getting to know me and she enjoys my letters and she wants to build a good relationship. She seems sincere, she hasn't asked me for money or how much money that I make. We both live in the same  asian country which is expensive, she doesn't live in China right now. I know she has a good career.

I am middle class, not rich, not poor. I am not struggling but I have bills like everyone else, rich or poor. I make a good decent salary.  I can afford to buy name brand(Klevin Klein, levis, Doc martins, DNYK, Mark Eko, etc) I can buy a 300 dollar louis Vitton purse every now and then. I can spend about 400 -500 dollars a month on clothes if I wanted to and still have some money left over for savings. But if she is expecting me to drop 400-500 dollars a month or more on her spending habits, no way, can't afford it unless she doesn't want a house.  
I am hoping that if we live in the place were we are now that she keeps her career.

I do not think she knows how America is. I do not think she knows that most American guys would drop her right away for asking something like this so early in the relationship. Sounds like a gold digger kind of.  I do not think that she knows that all american men are rich.

Everyone, especially the older wiser and experience guys here(well off ones too) please give me your advice and opinions. I really like her, and was thinking of only writing to her in the next month or so if things work out. We have been communicating well.
Is this something I should stay away from, or am I over reacting?

Help please!

[David5o]

yoshiii,

The fact is, you should be talking and asking questions about everything and anything. The whole idea is to get to know each other as much as possible, so there aren't any surprises later on. To my eyes nothing should be taboo, you are looking for a life long prospective wife, after all said and done!!

I suggest to you, that you start asking her direct questions too, perhaps you will then find the answers your looking for, in order to know if this relationship is what you want or not!!  
I think the first thing you want to know, is how much she does spend a month on clothes and accessories? haha!!

No, but seriously, anything you are having doubts about, you should ask her, only she can tell you what she is looking for in a husband. I would definitely start asking questions about her family, and her upbringing especially about her father. You just may find, this is not going to be a viable proposition, ...ie you won't be acceptable to her family because of your profession and or perceived status.

David.....

[brett]

Hmm, be very wary of the ladies on chnlove who have more money than you do. Also ones that have rich/powerful parents are suspect :angel:.

There are 7500 ladies on the site and they are not all Shanghai Princesses, so perhaps you should choose another? It depends on what you want though - some men adore shopaholic trophy wives.

I don't think I would want to be somebody's 2nd choice either :@.

[David E]

Yoshii

Gotta be some red-flag moments as described in your post !!!

But so far, you have not been asked for money...if that request arrives....bolt !!

You dont know for sure that she comes from a rich family. She might be describing how she fantasises about being free to spend money (yours) in the future.....I am 58 years old and I never met a woman yet who did not like to shop

If she is definitely from a rich family, she will have a lifestyle requirement that you need to carefully consider !!

If she is serious about you...all of the financial stuff is irrelevant.

Just tell her the truth about your situation and about your expectations , if she's a gold digger, she wont hang around !!

DONT SEND MONEY

DavidE

[DougK]

Yoshii,

You have been given some insight into this women. You are confused. Before throwing in the towel, you have an opportunity.

Now is the time to cement your communication skills. Ask the questions you want answered. Be polite, but ask for direct and clear answers, not just dodging around.

Doug

[shaun]

Aren't you the same guy who wanted to talk with 4 or 5 women?  You wanted to check them out and see if they are the one because you live so close in Japan?  Jump over to China and check her out!  If it were me I'd move on once they started talking about how much they like to go shopping and their extravagant lifestyle.

I not trying to be critical of you here it just seems so different from the other thread.  The other thread you are Casanova in this one you seem to be hanging on like you are about to lose the best thing that ever came into your life.  I am just not sure what to think?

Shaun

[Scottish_Rob]

Well spotted shaun...:s

But maybe he found the one...this person he is talking about???

[yoshiii]

Aren't you the same guy who wanted to talk with 4 or 5 women?  You wanted to check them out and see if they are the one because you live so close in Japan?  Jump over to China and check her out!  If it were me I'd move on once they started talking about how much they like to go shopping and their extravagant lifestyle.

I not trying to be critical of you here it just seems so different from the other thread.  The other thread you are Casanova in this one you seem to be hanging on like you are about to lose the best thing that ever came into your life.  I am just not sure what to think?

Shaun

This is one of the ladies that I am writing to. I said what my feelings are so don't judge me please.
If you read this post you would see that I said that if she is sincere, this is the one I will only write to.
I do not know how much experience with asian ladies you have had, but living here in Japan has opened my eyes more to how things can be. There are Chinese people living here and no I haven't date a Chinese lady before, I do have close friends back in the states.
I am no casanova, otherwise I wouldn't be on this site and I would be out getting all of the Shinjuku girls here in tokyo(Japanese girls are a whole nother ball of wax. not saying anything  bad about them, there are good ones and bad ones).  I am here because I want to find someone more serious and a Chinese lady.
I said that I am writing five until I can narrow it down to the one I want. If i lived in China, I would not need to do that. I would only date one lady at a time because I would be able to see  that person face to face all of the time so it would be much much easier to decide with in the first few dates to see if their is any emotional, physical, personality  connections vs having to find out through emails, video chat and a expensive once a year trip to China.
Also in the same thread you will see that I said I tried the one at a time approach and it didnt work. I was looking thru tunnel vision and not paying attention to others that might be good for me.
I came here to ask for help, not to be judged.  I want to meet the right one.

So Shaun and Scottish Rob what are you opinions please?

[maxx]

What is Shinjuku? If you want my opinion.I would just run away.7,500 other women to choose from.This one is already acting strange.Sounds to me like money is on this womens mind right now.So I doubt it will change in the near future.And at this stage in the relationship.You have really not lost anything.Except a few dolleres on EMF.

If I remember correctly you work on a millitary base in Japan.What happens If and When you go back to the states do you work on another millitary base?.If you do not get another job on a base.There goes all that extra money.Then you have bigger problems because now you are not a good provider.You can't afford the name brands.You can't afford the trips to the mall or out to eat Chinese food.Or plane tickets to China on a whim.

So you go to live in China.What are you going to do for work.Last time I heard there isn't any U.S. millatary bases in China.So that means you will  teach English.English teachers in China don't make enough money to support the kind of lifestyle that this lady is accustomed to.

Yoshii this lady is telling you this is the way it is going to be.I would drop her like a rock.And just move on.To much grief in to short of time.

[shaun]

yoshiii,

I really am not judging you here.  In your other post I mentioned that I tried the same approach that you are talking about and it didn't work very well for me.  The funny thing to me is that Pinky was one of the ones I was talking to and the one I stayed with.  It was how she handled things as I fumbled through with 3 women at once that kept me with her.

I too am relatively new with dating Chinese women but that really has nothing to do with the subject.  This would apply wherever you are and how you date. One of the real issues with writing more than one woman is an issue of integrity.  I should know because I blew it.  Fortunately I came to my senses rather quickly before I really hurt someone.  I hope.  These women have been hurt enough by Chinese men, I know what you are thinking, "But that is not what I am talking about."  But it is.  Why, why, why would you want to even consider taking a chance at hurting or disappoint another one of these lovely ladies.

I understand what you are telling me here but I was taught since a small boy that actions speak louder than words.  Someone here on this site said this and I can't remember who but I took their suggestion and I am going to suggest the same to you.  Get the book, "Chinese Women in Love and Marriage" by Dawn Xiao Yan Li.  I got it on amazon.com.  It was written in 2006 and is already out of date with many of the points but what an eye opener.

I can hear it now even from friends. But, they write more than one person, but the translators will write rather than the woman, but they are looking for a rich man, but they doesn't mean that you should.

yoshiii, I was faithful to one woman for 28 years, 27 of them in marriage and she betrayed me, not sexually, it almost ruined me I was so bitter.  With all of that said it doesn't give me the right to betray someone else and I don't get a special provision or a mulligan because of what happened to me.  It all boils down to what kind of integrity do I as a person want to have during good times and bad, while looking or not looking.

You have to decide that for yourself.  The fact that you asked in a thread and now are having this issue tells me that you are not comfortable with some of the decisions you've made and that you turned to others to ask advice.  The fact that you asked is a good thing.

But realize that the decision is your.  I won't think any less of you because you dismiss what I am saying.  I can still be a friend even if I think you make a bad decision but you alone have to make that decision not me.

Before you respond to me remember a couple of things.  I have the right to say these things because I have done thing you are talking about and realize I was wrong for doing it.  Second, we all make mistakes and it is ok as long as we learn from it.

If you think this woman is the one then as a few have said get to know her but ask many questions especially in the light of what she has said recently.  You won't know unless you try, but if you do, let go of the others.

Shaun

[yoshiii]

What is Shinjuku? If you want my opinion.I would just run away.7,500 other women to choose from.This one is already acting strange.Sounds to me like money is on this womens mind right now.So I doubt it will change in the near future.And at this stage in the relationship.You have really not lost anything.Except a few dolleres on EMF.

If I remember correctly you work on a millitary base in Japan.What happens If and When you go back to the states do you work on another millitary base?.If you do not get another job on a base.There goes all that extra money.Then you have bigger problems because now you are not a good provider.You can't afford the name brands.You can't afford the trips to the mall or out to eat Chinese food.Or plane tickets to China on a whim.

So you go to live in China.What are you going to do for work.Last time I heard there isn't any U.S. millatary bases in China.So that means you will  teach English.English teachers in China don't make enough money to support the kind of lifestyle that this lady is accustomed to.

Yoshii this lady is telling you this is the way it is going to be.I would drop her like a rock.And just move on.To much grief in to short of time.

Well I am a government worker so I can either go back to the states if I do not want to stay here in Japan when the time comes( they will find me a job back in the states with the government at my position) or I can look for a job on mine own with the government. I am sure that I will always have a good job, plus I will try to have my masters before I go back to the states if I decide to. Thing is that she lives in Japan too and I think that she might want to stay here.

Oh shinjuku is one of the big fashsion/night spots/food areas of Tokyo. Nice place.

Yes I will ask her about her parents. Thanks everyone for that reminder.  I will be clear and state how I feel and what I want.  

Question for everyone, would anyone here continue getting to know this lady if she is sincere about finding a good man but wants to have that kind of lifestyle? Or would you find someone who is not even thinking about these things as important at this point?

I know us American guys rich or not, do not like women who seem to care about money too much in a relationship so early on.

Here is one of my thoughts, maybe she had a bad experience with a guy before who lied to her about something or maybe she does not actually want to spend hundreds of dollars a month on things, but maybe she is testing me to see if I am able to buy things for her sometimes or if I am a tightwad or selfish with money?  Also I wonder if she is saying that she is going to spend her money on what she wants to and doesn't want me interfering with that. Does anyone think that any of these could be the reason for the question?

I think because of her profession that she is not going to be a house wife.
I am going to find out, but I would be surprised if she did.

I think that she doesn't know how things are in America, that the days of the man paying for everything are gone, mostly do to women wanting to work and do for themselves and the current state of the economy.  Japan is the only country that I know of that has such a high rate of housewives, but that is changing too.

I would expect her to help out with some of the utilities, I can pay the rent myself.  I love doing things for the person that I love. My exwife I would go shopping for by myself and get her things without asking. But I was not rich but I bought her nice things when I could.
The way things are now, you do not have to blow hundreds of dollars on things now a days just to get sometime good and nice, heck even Louis Vitton and Coach are a 1000 times cheaper in the states than in Japan. I live in one of the most expensive city in the world and I am able to live a happy and good life, yes I want to make more money but for where I am at now, it is not bad.

So I will be careful  and I will keep everyone updated on what is happening. Thanks for everyone's help and please keep your opinions coming, I really appreciate it.

[Buzz]

  Someone here on this site said this and I can't remember who but I took their suggestion and I am going to suggest the same to you.  Get the book, "Chinese Women in Love and Marriage" by Dawn Xiao Yan Li.  I got it on amazon.com.  It was written in 2006 and is already out of date with many of the points but what an eye opener.

Shaun

I did recomend the book and it is dated in many ways, but still very relevent today.  Would be willing to send my copy to someone.  Send me a PM along with an address.  buzz

[shaun]

Buzz,

It is a great book and thanks for recommending it.  Not done with it yet but I am enjoying it and learning a lot.  And yes it is still relevant.

Shaun

[Scottish_Rob]

Hello
I have been writing to a certain lady for the past month. I had written to the lady before in the late spring and she was choosing between only writing  to me or another guy. Well that was the time that I was unsure of using the China Love service and didnt trust this way of meeting someone. So I was writing to her and was interested but I didn't write often as much as I should have. She chose the other guy because she thought I wasn't going to choose her and she had to make a choice.  She told me that she was leaving the site and that she had choosen the other guy.
 
Well fast forward to this month. She put her profile back on China Love and rightway on the same day I sent her a EMF. I was happy that she had returned because since the last time I have decided to try China love and I wanted another chance with her.
This time she changed her first name. Kind of strange, last name was the same. It is the same lady, even the pics are the same. She didn't remember me though.

Well we have been writing pretty good describing ourselves and our life. We have emailed about 5 detailed letters a piece each to each other. So I would say that we are developing a good friendship.  

One thing is that she comes from a rich family background but she says that she doesn't live in that life style now while living by herself. But she likes shopping and buy ing brand name stuff and cheap stuff and so on. I will not tell about her career but she does some good things for her career, if she wanted to marry a rich man I think she could with no problem. Before when we were talking in the spring, she mentioned that she was tired of rich men and wanted someonewho is good as a husband.

Well now she sent me a a letter telling me that she wants to be able to continue to buy things like she is now, to keep her lifestyle. Well I do not know how much money she spends on her life style. She says that she buys brand name things and cheap things. But brand name could be something like Levis or something like Louis Vitton.
She also says that she doesn't live a very luxurious  life style now.
She says that I know her background, that she grew up in a rich family(I didn't learn this until one letter ago.), I know her living standards( until now no I didn't, I kind of figured maybe what her lifestyle is based on her job but wasn't sure), I know what she wants out of life( good marriage, kids and a house, which is normal, thats what I want), she says it is very important for her and that she never had to worry about money growing up and has always bought what she wanted.
She wants to know if her future husband can afford her living standards. She says that she is looking for her soul mate but that this is very important for her.

After this I was sad and than I became disappointed in her. All of this time that we have talked, and she claimed before(in the spring)  that she wasn't after a rich man because she wanted love and a good family. Now she wants her future husband to afford her living standards?  What?  I am missing something here?  Someone please break it down for me and explain what she is saying so I can be sure that I understand correctly.
Did you she just do a 180 degree gold dig move?  
Does this sound as if she is going to quit her job and expect me to pay for everything?
Has she forgotten that she is trying to meet a westerner and not some Chinese guy who is ready to throw  money at her?
We have had some good emails to each other. Learning about each other. She knows what my job is and I am pretty sure that she knows that it is not a rich job.
She asked me if I could provide for her life like this.
First I was like...Huh? What?? you have to be joking!
What kind of crap is this to ask me and we haven't even met in person or decided on a relationship(boyfriend/girlfriend). We are still learning about each other. She says that she likes getting to know me and she enjoys my letters and she wants to build a good relationship. She seems sincere, she hasn't asked me for money or how much money that I make. We both live in the same  asian country which is expensive, she doesn't live in China right now. I know she has a good career.

I am middle class, not rich, not poor. I am not struggling but I have bills like everyone else, rich or poor. I make a good decent salary.  I can afford to buy name brand(Klevin Klein, levis, Doc martins, DNYK, Mark Eko, etc) I can buy a 300 dollar louis Vitton purse every now and then. I can spend about 400 -500 dollars a month on clothes if I wanted to and still have some money left over for savings. But if she is expecting me to drop 400-500 dollars a month or more on her spending habits, no way, can't afford it unless she doesn't want a house.  
I am hoping that if we live in the place were we are now that she keeps her career.

I do not think she knows how America is. I do not think she knows that most American guys would drop her right away for asking something like this so early in the relationship. Sounds like a gold digger kind of.  I do not think that she knows that all american men are rich.

Everyone, especially the older wiser and experience guys here(well off ones too) please give me your advice and opinions. I really like her, and was thinking of only writing to her in the next month or so if things work out. We have been communicating well.
Is this something I should stay away from, or am I over reacting?

Help please!

Yoshii
As I see it.....
She had chose another guy because 'she thought' you were not going to choose her........(After reading through the letter, was this the 'real' reason?)  She seems money orientated
Name change?
Tired of Rich men?

I could go on through the letter line by line and point things out mate.
But I won't  These I have mentioned would have me running for the hills.

However, if your now in contact with the lady, ask as many relavent questions to find the 'real' person...  I don't need to tell you what to ask the other brothers have mentioned them
Good luck with her mate

[shaun]

yoshiii,

I am sure you do not want to hear from me again but I read your first post again and thought I would make another comment.

You said that she had narrowed it down to two people  and this was late spring.  It is early fall just a few months later and she doesn't remember you?  Something is really wrong there. Why if she had been talking to several guys and she narrowed it to two would she not remember you?  This just does not make any sense.  Then on top of that her story changes and goes to the opposite side.  She goes from not wanting money to wanting it in a serious way.  Run Forest Run!!!!!!!!!! It almost sounds like a translator went out looking for business and has so many people they can't keep up with the story and men.  The first woman I talked to before I got to the three idea sounded just like this.  We would chat every day for about 15 minutes.  I always walked away confused by what she was saying.  Quite often there were contradictions.  She would say, I just woke up and you were on the internet.  I must go fix breakfast.  Bye.  Then she would be on the site for another 2 hours and she confessed yes but that she was narrowing it down.  I was supposedly at the top of the list.  I finally told her to kiss off because she was pushing me to come to China right away and get married so we could go to the US.  When I broke it she cussed me for days on that site.