How to make a long distance relationship work

[JimB]

Guys, I really hope you can move there with your ladies and be happy.  As for me I thought maybe i could.  but now i know I cannot.  I miss my home.  My home is the USA. I cannot claim another country above it.  Of course i want my wife with me.  She is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me.  it is a personal decision that each of us has to make.  Until you have tried it, you cant completely be sure if it is for you.  The Shark and Willy and a couple of others have done it and are happy.  My hat goes off to you.  I cant.  maybe this celebration has set me off.  But I cannot claim a communist country for my own. They have changed, absolutely and  I have not seen any abuse of power here with my own eyes.  I have seen more in the US than here.  but I cannot give up on my country.  I know that you guys are not turning your backs on your countries.  I am not implying that at all so do not misunderstand. I am sure you are loyal to whatever country that is your own.  it is just that i cant do it.  I have stayed here long enough to know it is not for me.  I would suggest before you cut your ties and make a move that you cannot undo.  Try it for a while. That is all I am trying to say.

[Scottish_Rob]

JimB, sorry to hear that brother...HOWEVER....I can totally understand:huh:

You tried it and unfortunetly it didn't work out as well as you hoped, nothing wrong with that.:blush:

As for me, I am Scottish and the pull of Scotland will ALWAYS bring me back, she is and always will be My HOMELAND.  I have live in ENGLAND for the best part of my life, but SCOTLAND will always be home no matter where I sleep at night...

Having spoke to the shark, he 'deep down' feels the same as you, the USA is HIS/YOUR home, and he too won't give up on it, which is quite right, you SHOULD NEVER give up on that...

Good luck with what you have to do mate, and YOU know what that is....!!!!!

[Brian Mc]

Greetings Brothers,

Jimb I totally understand what you are saying.  However, for me I can live without Canada for 3 years far easier than I can live without Zhen for 3 minutes!!.  Zhen and I both agree that my living in China these next couple, three years is a temporary thing until RuiChen finishes High school.  Once that is complete we will decide at that point where to live.  Now having said that the plan all along is for us to come back to Canada when the schooling is done.

In fact I am setting up my investments and finances based on a return to Canada.  Perhaps I am lucky in that I can somewhat afford to take the risk and make the leap of faith requird to do this.  If it fails then all I have lost is money, and as we all know money isnt anything compared to our love for our lady.  So for me its just not possible for me to leave Zhen in China while I am not there with her.

I was born in Scotland and moved to Canada at 15 yrs old.  I joined tha Canadian Armed Forces at 17 and did 12 years.  I have lived in Alberta Canada since 1983 and it was home to me until I met Zhen.  Now Zhen is home to me.  I dont care where we live as long as we are together, and she feels the same way.  Yes Canada is my country but Zhen is my life and I have to put life over country.

Wow a long winded way of saying I will be where Zhen is heheh.

Regards,

Zhen and Brian

PS While I was over there for my visit in September, everything felt so right for me there.  Yes it was probably because of Zhen but when I was in the airport for the flight tback to Canada and I saw all the foreigners, I actually did not consider myself to be one of them.  I have never considered myself to be a lao wei, and was never treated as one while there.  All Zhens friends and family treated me as one of them and as I said it felt so right.  So for me its an easy move.

[MLM]

JimB,
I understand how you feel and I do love my country but, like Brian, I feel more at home when I am in China and like Brian, it feels right, I am a part of the lives of the people I know thereI feel I have more of a family there then I do here and I know that is a shame to say but thats the way I feel, when I'm in China, I feel like I am home, I relax more, I don't feel as though I will be asked for something I don't want to give, as a matter of fact, I haven't been asked for anything except that I make Zhou and Lili happy, here, I am asked for money, favors, and all by family and as for the favors, I don't mean the usual ones like can you help me move the sofa or fix my car?, I mean ones like, can you find out if this person has been in trouble with the law?, I can't do this, I mean I can find out but I can't tell someone , anyone that wants to know, that info is for my use only.
When I am in China I am asked if I could move the chair but not by the house member but by my wife, this I don't mind, I am asked if I want or would like anything, food, a neck rub, a beer, and this helps me relax, oh and I am asked if I would help with the children, this if they new how much I like doing this they would never ask again, they would just tell the kids to find me.
JimB, I really do understand, but I can't wait until I can retire to our home in China.
Good luck and best wishes,
Zhou & Mike

[Willy The Londoner]

Whatever you decide JimB then I am sure that it will be the correct decison to suit you.  The UK has changed so much over the past 30 years that I have decided to be a 'foreign' in another country rather than to remain a 'foreigner' in the country in which I was born.

I have decided that my future is in China.  I probably have more friends in China than I have in the UK.   I can walk down the street and in a short while will have spoken to many people.

  The people are more friendly here and it gives me great pleasure to walk into my branch of the Bank of China and to be greeted as 'Willy' by the staff and then directed to an empty tellers booth which is quickly filled by an English speaking staff member.   Ok so i get a bit of extra attention but is that because of who I am rather than what I am?

I'm with MLM.  In China I feel at home.  Ok so it took a little while to get used to being treated like a King by my girlfriend, to take that extra grape that she has peeled and removed the pips from but get used to it I have.

I can cough and gob with the best of them,  fart at the table without any hint of embarrassment and spit the bones and other odd and ends onto a polished table with no hesitation.   I can be on foot in the center of a 6 lane carriageway and almost challenge the oncoming speeding car to take me on.  To me this has become everyday living.

No one asks me for anything but by God I get a lot from them.      As Brian said it was an easy move.  

Willy

Now Brian say after me - 'Zhen will be where I am' - it may just so happen that you will be where Zhen is but you will be in control!!!!

[MLM]

" Now Brian say after me - 'Zhen will be where I am' - it may just so happen that you will be where Zhen is but you will be in control!!!! "

oh yeah, right :icon_cheesygrin: ROFLMFAO, we know who is in charge, I guess we will just let him think he is for a while longer:icon_biggrin:, it'll keep him happy :angel:

[Vince G]

Guys, I really hope you can move there with your ladies and be happy.  As for me I thought maybe i could.  but now i know I cannot.  I miss my home.  My home is the USA. I cannot claim another country above it.

I hope I can get my question across easily for I'm still on my second cup of coffee. :icon_biggrin:

I sense a negativity about China? in your post. Is there a reason behind this? or is it just you are missing the things your use to?

Moving there is still something I have to experience so I have not come to that crossroad. I don't see it as giving up my country? I won't be giving up my citizenship, just where I'm living. Who knows? they may throw me out of there? As some know I'm not one for not keeping quiet and telling it as it is.

[Brian Mc]

Greetings Brothers,

Guys it sure is true what has been said.  The way we are welcomed over there is quite unusual for me.  Sure here in the west i have never felt that I didnt belong, its just that the people I have met and the friends I have made through Zhen make me feel so much more welcome.  Zhen has an astonishing number of friends and so far I have been treated as a friend or more by every one of them.  I think they all see how Zhen and I are together and that probably has a lot to do with it.  Also as Willy says I now have more friends over there than I do here in Canada.

The hardest part for me will be leaving my daughter behind for these years but then I cannot leave Zhen behind so its a tough but easy choice to make.  I will take a webcam to my EX so my daughter and I can communicate while I am gone and hopefully when she grows up some she will understand.  She is not yet 3 years old so it will be easier for her now than later but with luck I will be back in 3 years at the most with Zhen at my side and Emma will have yet another parent hehe.  As she is adopted and we are in touch with her birth family both in Canada and Australia, Emma has more parents and grandparents than she can count hehe.

MLM yes its true we like to think its us in charge and thats the way they want us to think heheh but I already know that Zhen is in control.  Not that I am complaining.  I have never been so loved or cared for in my life so giving up a little control ( ok total control hehe) is not hard.  Zhen has said that as soon as I get a job there she will move to wherever that is to be with me and start our life together.  How could I possibly ask for more.

So as I say for me the move is easy, but I do understand those who are not as free as I am and have committments they cannot easily break and you all have my deepest respect.  This is not an easy road and as has been said by many its not for everyone.  I am  just totally happy that it has worked out so well for me.

Now when I think back I only wish this had happened years ago.  But then our past is what led us to our present and show the way to our future.  When it is meant to happen it will so no regrets from me.  I have found the perfect woman for me to spend my life with, and after all isnt that why we are all here?

Regards,

Zhen and Brian

[Irishman]

I must admit the first time I got back from China I felt relieved not to be stared all the time, that gets old really fast.
The second time time I was in Beijing and Tianjin and there wasn't so much staring , maybe because they are used to seeing laowai there so didnt feel like i stuck out like a sore thumb as much.

That said I do get a slight feeling of helplessness and frustration when I cant read or speak the local language and most of the locals cannot speak mine either.
Little things can become a bit niggling - like in every supermarket no matter what time of day you go, there will be a queue ahead that will move at total snails pace. Even if there isn't many people ahead of you somebody always has a problem with the price of something and will make a fuss, it get tiresome when you just want to pay for your stuff and get out of there!

My first priority when moving there is to try and pick up reading and writing as absolutely fast as i can, and secondly find a supermarket that's not busy or at least one thats not busy at some time of the day and then do my weekly shop there!

[Willy The Londoner]

Little things can become a bit niggling - like in every supermarket no matter what time of day you go, there will be a queue ahead that will move at total snails pace. Even if there isn't many people ahead of you somebody always has a problem with the price of something and will make a fuss, it get tiresome when you just want to pay for your stuff and get out of there!

Sometimes its pays to be a foreigner or maybe it pays to be a Willy.  I go into the bank and collect my ticket and I am willing to wait patiently for my number to be called.  Then one of the tellers spots me and next thing they are waving and calling me by name and suddenly they open a desk just for me.  Probably just to practise their English and not for my sparkling personality.

Willy

[David5o]

Mike,

I think you'll need more than just a mask, you'll have to have his ''gift of the gab'' too!!
And that don't come to all, too easily..... lol!!


David....

[David5o]

Mike,


You should know by now, there's always a ''catch'', somewhere along the line!! ...lol!!

It's not just having the gift of the gab either, ...you have to know the art of ''Ducking and Diving'' too. But Willy is, as always a fair man, so i'm sure he'll accommodate you in your quest for lessons!!   hahaha!!

David........

[Scottish_Rob]

Simple answer...Become a Londoner hahahaha:angel:

[JimB]

Vince, Everyone here has made me more than comfortable.  Her/now My family have gone out of their way to take me into their homes and lives.  Her friends have also taken me into their hearts. I know this.  it is not that.  I just know this isnt my home and can never be.  Please do not misunderstand me.  I am not saying anything negative to anyone that can do this.  I think the best of luck to you.  It just isnt for me.  I thought I could but now realize I cant.  I am just saying before anyone burns their bridges they should make sure they can.  Good luck and god bless.  I am not questioning anyones patriotism either, that is not for me to do nor any of my business.  And I hope before anyone gets stuck here they know for sure they will be happy doing it.  I just dont know how anyone can make that decision after just 10 days here.  Brian it is really none of my business but I hope you really know what you are doing by uprooting yourself after just a short time.  Leaving everything you know and are comfortable with after such a short time here.  Leaving a 3 year old daughter, even if it is for only 3 years.  I truly hope it all works for you.  No one will be happier for you than me if it works.
It is funny this evening I am in a Spinelli's coffee shop waiting for my wife while she shops.  I run into an American.  Actually the first one who has started a conversation with me.  He asked me what  I was doing here etcetera.  I told him I was anxiously awaiting to go home.  He said he wished he could.  When asked he said he has been here for five years, he is in radio broadcasting.  He came here to get some world experience and knew that the women in China are some of the most beautiful in the world and wanted to experience them.  He said due to circumstances he is actually stuck here if he wants to continue working.  He said he has been trying to get back to the states to work, but with the economy the way it is he cannot. Anyway for reasons too long to go into he is stuck here for a couple of more years and said if he had to do it over he would not have moved here. This isnt home for him either even after 5 years.  
For me it has been a great adventure.  I have learned so many things about myself.  I have found the love of my life.  I never want to leave her, but I have to. I have also learned to thine own self be true.  You would think at 58 I would already know this.  But my life was tuned upside down by my divorce.  I have also learned that most everyone here is a friend and we can be honest with each other without the fear of being taken for just being mean and nasty and we can just agree to disagree.

[Scottish_Rob]

Jim
Two of the most famous quotes are totally apt for you and they are

"To thine own self be true...."

and

"Home is where the heart is...."

Best of luck to you and your family...:icon_biggrin:The original post was 'How to make a long distance relationship work?...'

The real way is through hard work, humour and determination

:angel: