Finding that women, new life and being scared

[yoshiii]

Hello everyone,

While I am dealing with the situation of determining if the lady I have a big interest in is sincere or not I have a few thoughts and questions for everyone.

How did everyone feel when they first started on this way of finding your future wife?
What are your feelings now?
Was anyone scared or worried in the beginning?

I am scared, I am scared to be finding someone this way. Meeting thru the internet, exchanging letters and so on. It is so different than meeting face to face.  
I mean everyone is looking for that special someone.  Does anyone feel pressure while writing your lady?  If you could actually meet your lady face to face weekly while getting to know her, it is a different situation. I think not as much pressure, and easier to know if you want to continue to see the person or not.  But through mail, you know the lady is looking for a husband, and it is that added pressure of developing the relationship but knowing that marriage is the number one thing on her mind, which is the reason why we are here, but I feel that it is more pressure because it is only thru mail for most of the early delicate relationship building stage.  I think that it is easier to get to know the lady being face to face. Easier to feel the attraction and not worry about trying to feel the attraction thru photos and letters only. You can actually hear her laugh, look into her eyes, hold her hands. But thru letters, you don't know if you will really like the lady, pictures can only express so much.

I am wondering, if its better to take a month or so off and go and stay in China, meet someone there, or meet the person you have been writing to and spend time with them in person dating to see if this person is the one who you would like to build a serious relationship with.
What does everyone think?

I am scared, I don't want to invest a lot of time into this and go meet the person and that person my not be the one to have a serious relationship with. I don't want to meet someone and than ms hyde or something comes out.

[DougK]

Yoshii,

I have to second the above.

You speak of a lot of fear. Also of an unwillingness to invest the time it takes. Establishing a relationship via the Internet, phone, video is a different beast than traditional dating. It takes an energy and perseverance that is unflagging. You have to commit to the process, accept its ebb and flow of positive and negative, and be willing to see it to the end. No hedging your bets.

Now, this does not mean you do not examine what is going on. Reflection is important. But while you reflect, you still commit.

Doug

[yoshiii]

Yoshii,

I have to second the above.

You speak of a lot of fear. Also of an unwillingness to invest the time it takes. Establishing a relationship via the Internet, phone, video is a different beast than traditional dating. It takes an energy and perseverance that is unflagging. You have to commit to the process, accept its ebb and flow of positive and negative, and be willing to see it to the end. No hedging your bets.

Now, this does not mean you do not examine what is going on. Reflection is important. But while you reflect, you still commit.

Doug

This is a big step for me. I am used to being with a person getting to know them. I can understand after meeting and dating and than writing to each other because someone moves or something.

I went through correspondence with my ex-wife after she had to go back to her country until I could move to were she was.( We met in college in the States, she was from Japan)  It was after we had just been married and lived together for a couple of years. But even with that, spending almost three years apart having to communicate with emails and phone calls and occasional visits to each other was fun and it helped, but it also hurt our relationship in being that we weren't together in the early marriage building stages of our recent marriage.
We needed that time.  
So I am wondering how can starting a relationship from writing and video and pics be better than actually being with that person? I know that this is how many guys will meet there future wife but I am scared of it not working and of meeting someone after all of the writing and finding out that you do not like them as you thought and that person is not what you expected.

[maxx]

Yoshii This is all a gamble or a risk.Whatever you want to call it.Are you writing a lady? Do you like the lady? If you answerd yes to eather one of these questions.Then go to China and see the lady.

You are like maybe 1 and halfe hour flight to Beijing And a 3 hour flight to Hong Kong.It will probably cost you a couple of hundred dollers For the flight and maybe. 60.00 for a multi entry visa to China.You may even have to book a flight in side of China.No big deal.

You are right there.Nothing in this little journey that we have undertaken is written in stone.You will have to go see if this is right for you.Is it right for the woman.If it isn't right you will know real quick.So you just jump back on the plane and go back to Japan.Have another try.Or just drop it and don't think about it anymore.

If it is right for you.and the lady.Then it is all good.It does not take a act of congress for a Chinese lady to go to Japan.Like it does if the same lady wants to go anywhere else in the world.And when you are the lady are together in Japan.You can be working on her paperwork.For a visa to the states.

So you go to China meet the woman.It's all good.You go back to Japan.You QQ Skype web cam whatever.Then when the weakend roles around or you have a few days off in a row.You fly back to China.Stay with your lady.And when the relationship is rolling right along.You just get married in China.Then bring her back to Japan.

Yoshii I have a good idea what you want to hear.You want us to justify this little adventure for you.You want us to tell you it's all a good plan.I think it is and most of the members here think it is.But you are going to have to make up your own mind.We can't do that for you.

Nothing ventured nothen gained.You are going to have to have a look for yourself to see if this is what you want.

[Neil]

Fear?  When i started writing Nina through EMF, there was no fear.  There was no risk, we were developing trust and learning about each other.  When we realized how perfect we were for each other, I started planning to go to China.  Was I afraid?  No.  I had faith.  I knew that this was the right thing to do.  It could have gone horribly wrong, but I didn't give any power to that thought.  There is no point to fearing what could happen.  That only puts that possibility at the forefront of your mind.  If shit happens, you deal with it and move on.  Worrying about it will only leave you hiding under a bed.  

That said, if you're afraid of doing this, you shouldn't.  You're in a way better position than most of us, being so close to China.  If you feel more comfortable developing something face to face and dating before committing to something, then do that.  The ladies on Chnlove are looking for a husband, but they are human too.  Discuss the idea with her that you need to date.  There is no rule that says you have to get married right away.  Let the relationship grow.

[Vince G]

Yoshiii, I went through about a dozen ladies before finding my one. I went into it like it was just another. Soon I saw her personality, her humor, things in common and the same way of thinking, and more. How I feel now? Very lucky. She's a woman that doesn't want for material things, I love talking to her, and I couldn't even think of finding a better woman, anywhere.

[Bob]

Yoshii, does it really matter how you meet? think about it for a minute or two,,,,We all know, there are no guarantees in life. You can meet a women face to face, date each other for a while, perhaps marry,,then poof! it all blows up in your face. You have just as good a chance as finding the right women for you here on the internet as you do in real life (face to face)

Sure we were all a little worried our first time, venturing into the unknown,  this is not for everyone. To be totally frank and honest with you, if you have to ask yourself and the other brothers here if we are scared, then this is a sign to me that you are not ready to do this, and that is okay. Perhaps you are just a little scared at this time, perhaps in a few days,weeks or months that will change.

I can only talk about my personal experiences, perhaps this will help you, perhaps it won't.  Before I came to ChnLove I knew deep down inside my heart, body and sole that this is what I wanted to do, with every fiber of my being I knew. I was willing to accept the consequences in the event things went sour, but at the same time I had faith, not in God, but in myself and faith that the right women for me is out there, I just have to look a little harder. Basically, I have faith in Love and that it does exist. As sucky as that may sound coming from a guy, it is the truth and I am not afraid to say it. I was actually very lucky to have found my lady fairly quickly, I am not really a religious person, however I do believe that the good man above was looking out for me that day. After several months and several trips to china, I am now a happily married man to a wonderful women.  So you see, it can happen and there are many other brothers here that are married or engaged to be married.

But before you venture into this, you must want to really do this. The best advice I can give you is take your time if you feel you are unsure about all of this. Read more of the posts, get a better feel and understanding, talk and ask many questions to the brothers here, there is vast knowledge here on the forums and many experienced members that can help guide you. This will better help you decide if this is right for you or not. however as Maxx has pointed out, we can not do that for you. Either you feel this is what you really want to do, or you don't, bottom line, only you can answer that question, because only you know how and what you are feeling.

Please do not misunderstand me, and I am not trying to discourage you. I am simply telling it the way it is. I truly do hope that you will find the right lady for you. :icon_cool:

[brett]

I was scared a little at first. To do this you have to confront a lot of your fears and insecurities. But after talking to a few ladies it got much easier.

You should consider EMF's as the first stage. After this you should try to talk on QQ/MSN/Skype. If you can see or hear the other person then you should have a better idea of whether they're a good match.

But to do this takes a lot of time and money, so you really need to be committed.

[Hans]

Hello everyone,

While I am dealing with the situation of determining if the lady I have a big interest in is sincere or not I have a few thoughts and questions for everyone.

How did everyone feel when they first started on this way of finding your future wife?
What are your feelings now?
Was anyone scared or worried in the beginning?

I am scared, I am scared to be finding someone this way. Meeting thru the internet, exchanging letters and so on. It is so different than meeting face to face.  
I mean everyone is looking for that special someone.  Does anyone feel pressure while writing your lady?  If you could actually meet your lady face to face weekly while getting to know her, it is a different situation. I think not as much pressure, and easier to know if you want to continue to see the person or not.  But through mail, you know the lady is looking for a husband, and it is that added pressure of developing the relationship but knowing that marriage is the number one thing on her mind, which is the reason why we are here, but I feel that it is more pressure because it is only thru mail for most of the early delicate relationship building stage.  I think that it is easier to get to know the lady being face to face. Easier to feel the attraction and not worry about trying to feel the attraction thru photos and letters only. You can actually hear her laugh, look into her eyes, hold her hands. But thru letters, you don't know if you will really like the lady, pictures can only express so much.

I am wondering, if its better to take a month or so off and go and stay in China, meet someone there, or meet the person you have been writing to and spend time with them in person dating to see if this person is the one who you would like to build a serious relationship with.
What does everyone think?

I am scared, I don't want to invest a lot of time into this and go meet the person and that person my not be the one to have a serious relationship with. I don't want to meet someone and than ms hyde or something comes out.

I can somewhat relate to what you are saying, although I would not use the word "fear". Maybe "concern" is more appropriate. We should not be naive, we all know how much bs is out there. I too feel that until I have actually met the lady in person, been with her for some time and experienced things together with her, I can't say she is the one. Maybe I won't be able to tell after several weeks either. Writing letters is one thing, meeting in real life is a completely different experience. Especially since the letters are being translated by someone else. That is the hardest bit for me and I would guess that many here can relate to that. There are no guarantees in this business and finding a lady this way is more complicated and tries our patience in a way that can be very tough. It is certainly not the easy way to find love. But obviously it is working for some at least.  

Follow your gut feeling. Ask yourself what you want, what you are willing to risk and what the worst thing that can happen is. Being fooled and go back home disappointed with the tail between your legs? Well, that can happen in any relationship and it does every day. I don't know if you are also using other dating sites right now, if you don't try it out and compare to Chnlove. Don't put all the eggs in one basket. All the best of luck! :icon_cool:

[Danny]

Yoshiii

Probably the only thing I would add to what has been said is the suggestion that it is often more useful to use a broader definition of "success" and "failure". Sometimes a relationship that supposedly "fails" can be considered a success if for a time, you enjoyed each other's company. Similarly it could also be considered to be a success if you learned something about making a relationship work, or something useful about yourself.

You find happiness within yourself or nowhere at all. If you are all messed up inside, nothing outside of yourself is going to make any difference to that basic fact. Even marrying the most wonderful person really doesn't make you any happier.

So I suggest work out yourself and search for someone to love at the same time. Reflect on your fears and concerns. When you understand them properly, they will no longer have you in their grip.

Good luck!

Danny

[Andy]

I think I know how you feel. I had those fears some time ago. The brothers here helped me through it. They have been told me that this will require a leap of faith at some point. That is what I did. I have remained cautious, but I threw away the fear and doubt. My first meeting with the lady will coming up soon and I am ready for anything thanks for the advices I had read here.