Hubei Province, October 2009

[brett]

Wow, 15 pages on my thread already. I guess it could be 1500 by the time this epic saga has run its course. Brothers, this is not an easy thing to do.

Anyway, today I am writing another EMF to my lady. I still have some doubts about her sincerity. I need to be more certain. I don't want to end up with a wife who spends all day and night QQ'ing her friends back in China.

Today I learnt that her salary is only 1000RMB a month. This is small change to me, and I could easily expand my small business to pay her a salary. This has caused me to re-evaluate things substantially. My goodness if a Westerner turned up at my doorstep I think I would be a lot more affectionate towards him than my lady was to me. This makes me a little suspicious. On the other hand, she may have no idea how much more Westerners get paid. I certainly got that impression on QQ today. She may also be a girl with a very good moral upbringing, in which case she is excellent wife material. And she has had limited experience with men, so perhaps I am just misreading her signals. She is a lot more affectionate on QQ than in real life, so perhaps she is just shy about these things. Wow, reserved English guy and traditional Chinese girl is a tricky combination at times.

I also am unsure whether she really loves me. Is it even important? I spent a good amount of time today looking for websites in order to find out if it is possible to determine if a woman loves you. That is not an easy thing to determine. When we were together she was concerned about my health. And she brought me breakfast a couple of mornings. Both good things. I met her parents, which is an excellent sign from the Chinese perspective. And now she is talking about babies. Am I being paranoid by not taking all this as excellent? I am less sure about her body language. I certainly made her smile. But with her limited English it was very difficult to invoke other emotions.

I know that my fellow brothers think the world of Chinese ladies and their organisational/pampering skills. But as soon as I saw my lady's profile I realised she was a little different to the other ladies on chnlove. So far I have been proven right. She is very geeky (so a perfect match for me), and she isn't that great at organising things. I had a nightmare organising my trip to see her. And I thought it was hysterical that we got on the wrong tourbus for the 3 Gorges Dam trip, so we had to sprint a quarter of a mile to get back to the right bus. That's my girl!!!

Mr Confused :s

[Danny]

My goodness if a Westerner turned up at my doorstep I think I would be a lot more affectionate towards him than my lady was to me.

Remind me never to turn up at your doorstep . . . *laughs*

[David E]

It is easy to find out if a Woman loves you.......just ask her !!!!

Other than that, if you want to find somewhere on the Internet to answer this "impossible" question, maybe you can try Susan Miller's Astrology Zone...good as anything else I can suggest !!!

DavidE

[Neil]

I think some, more traditionally raised ladies may have different expectations of men than we are used to.  It's quite possible that she was waiting for you to MAN UP and be the one to lead the intimacy.  She might even feel that it would be too forward of her to instigate affection.  I might be totally off base here too Brett.  I don't want to assume anything just from what I've read - you were the one that was there.  You're in a difficult situation now, to guess about her ability to be affectionate when you're so far away.  It's something you won't know for sure until you meet again.I also think that your lady's disorganization is a great opportunity for you to take charge and lead her.  Take advantage of that.  It is really wonderful to know your place in a relationship, to have no doubts and to understand her strengths and weaknesses.  

Everyone expresses love in a different way.  Nina loves me and I love her, but she doesn't say the words as often as I would like.  But when she does, it has meaning, weight, I can feel the love behind the words and see the expression on her face backing that 100%.  It's probably something you'll want to discuss with her.  

By the way, you guys look great together.
*edit - I should say looked great - your pictures are gone (or is it just me?)

[maxx]

Brett 24 hour rule.Your lady met you.She made sure you didn't get run over or to lost.While you were in China.She is still talking to you.All very good signs with a traditional Chineses lady.Thiere was hand holding right?Quick little smiles between the to of you.

If yes to any of the above it's all good right now just.Just keep doing what your doing.If she didn't like you or want to be with you.There was nothing stopping her from leaving you setting in the hotel by yourself.(Yes I seen this happen to a guy in China.But he did deserve it).

It's ok for now Brett just relax and enjoy the ride.Your only about a quarter of the way there.It will get better as time goes.She will get more used to your customs and culture.And then watch out they ussually have no problem expressing themselves

[Irishman]

She brought you to see her parents, she discusses babies with you..eh what was the question again ?

[David5o]

Brett,

You would do well, to Listen to what Neil's saying to you....


David....

[JimB]

Brett, I had to be the one initiating the intimacy.  She grabbed my arm and stayed close, We held hands but that was it.  The first week we didnt even really kiss.  Just a peck on the cheek type of thing.  Once I asked her why no other, she said that was saved for her husband and she had to be sure she loved me and I loved her.  But once that was done, I proposed and the flood gates opened. we were engaged and she said she now considered me her husband.  This is more of a traditional lady.  Sounds like yours is also.  She wants to be sure of you and her feelings.  As Maxx said all good. Every woman is different and every woman is the same.  In finding out if she loves you,  first tell her how you feel.  If you love her tell her so. "Wo ai ni" To remember that, wall eye knee. That is how i first remembered it anyway. Chinese women are shy with intimacy especially in public. Even now If I went to kiss my wife in public, she mostly turned her cheek to me. Completely different when we are alone.  Usually the women take your arm first then they start to get closer to you.  Once they are right up against you, then the hand holding can start.  That is my experience anyway and a few others that i know.  Good luck brother.

[Willy The Londoner]

Brett,

You do NOT want to know what the old Willy would have done in your situation!!!!

But the new homely Willy will tell you that probably your lady is sitting at work here now thinking, 'does he really love me - i was longing for a kiss but it never came. I wanted him to hold me  - to show that he loved me but it did not happen'  

Ok so like all Chinese ladies she is not going to want to be shown to much intimacy in public but they need a sign.  My lady who is not slow to put my arm around her neck in the street will, if we are at home and someone else is in the apartment, maybe in a different room, she will always look twice before giving me a quick kiss.  

Saying the words is one thing - showing her that you mean them is another.

Willy

[brett]

Thanks guys, there is a lot of useful information here.

I guess that we are wrong to think that all Chinese ladies are the same. They're not.

We could have done with a lot more time together, but it's a huge sacrifice for her to take a day off from her job.

I think a lot of it is due to shyness as well, both of us are a lot more bold on QQ!

I guess in all honesty I would have been better off with a slightly older divorced lady. But my lady and I are such a good match that I think we should continue to work at it :icon_cheesygrin:.

[Scottish_Rob]

Glad to hear that brett...:icon_biggrin:

[brett]

Wow, time for another update in my epic story.

My lady has sent me another EMF. I am not at all happy :@.

First of all my lady is insisting on coming to the UK to get married on a fiance visa. I find this a little strange, as it would be hard for us to get her parents to attend the wedding. What traditional Chinese woman would not want her parents to attend the most important day in her life? I am also unhappy with this idea, as there is the chance of more legal problems for me. If she disppeared while in my care then I could kiss goodbye the chance of ever finding another overseas wife. And a UK registered marriage would carry much more weight in a divorce court (no question, I'm getting a prenup.) Getting married over here would also be costly, and as the bride's family traditionally pays I guess it's all down to me. Finally I'm not religious, so a church wedding would be out of the question given that I'm Catholic and I assume I'd have to attend church to get married in one.

Secondly, my lady wants an iPhone for her birthday. I guess this is a reasonable request as her old phone is knackered. But it's still a lot of money. To be honest I am still shocked that she got me to buy a 700RMB coat for her while we were together. Yes the coat was lovely, and I did tell her I'd take her shopping, but this set a lot of alarm bells ringing, especially since I discovered she only earns 1000RMB a month. What sensible, frugal Chinese woman would spend nearly a month's wages on a coat? Yes I know women are expensive, but I am starting to feel she is taking advantage of me.

I guess I am tough on my lady, but I have worked extraordinarily hard to get where I am and I am not going to throw it all away over a silly girl.

Having met her, I think she is a great girl. Finishing with her would be very hard. But my ultimate goal is to find a good wife. I am not yet convinced this is a good woman.

I will definately be obeying the 24 hour rule my EMF response to this! It is time for me to stop being in awe of this woman and show some backbone.

[David5o]

Well Brett, what happened to the photo's you posted on this thread??
So what's the reason for deleting them???

David....

[Neil]

She's got a foreign boyfriend/fiance, but (apparently) no ring on her finger as proof.  You make over 4x her salary and you're bitching about spending ($100 Canadian) on a coat?  

On the other hand, you're still communicating through EMF?  What makes you think it's not the translator fishing for things?

[brett]

Well £70 isn't a lot for me. But it is an incredible amount in China given how cheap clothes generally are out there. Given the dire state of the UK economy do I need a woman who is that extravagant with money? You guys have told me how good Chinese women are with money but I have not seen that from my lady at all (well apart from stealing the hotel toothbrushes).

Yes we are using EMFs for important stuff. We have an excellent translator and stuff is usually confirmed on QQ.