JUST FOR A LAUGH

[Robertt S]

[lfputman3]

Rebut number one coming up.

A graduate of Oxford University, Tim Berners-Lee invented the World Wide Web, an internet-based hypermedia initiative for global information sharing while at CERN, the European Particle Physics Laboratory, in 1989. He wrote the first web client and server in 1990. His specifications of URIs, HTTP and HTML were refined as Web technology spread.

Need I say more?

Except that he was knighted and is now Sir Tim.

Willy

Rebuttal number 2.

1990 is a little late, DARPA, the defense "internet" predates that and prior to that, American Universities created a network for sharing information, which was confiscated by the DoD and renamed DARPA. Roughly mid-1970s, don't have the actual joyous book with me. One of those joys in modern accounting. We have to know crap about tech. Because the geeks can't manage themselves for some reason. Maybe too busy playing games on the company/govt computers that are higher tech than they can afford on their salaries.

Lloyd

[Arnold]

Clyde

Mesquite, United States

   Posted: 27 Aug, 2012 19:56:22  Starter
 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
  Can someone tell me how to find a address to ship to my Lady.She tells me she has never had any mail or packages.She lives in dong guan .She said there is no address for the Apartment she lives in.I find this very strange.No address's ? I have tried to find a post office there with no luck.Has anyone else been through this ?I need some help please.
 
 Well now, I guess "Clyde" is taken for a "Ride"! Sorry, it seems funny to me.. but I'm sure this poor Guy thinks otherwise.
 NO address where she lives? Maybe her Apartment is made out of Cardboard?

[Pineau]

I think it is little of BS going on.  Some Houses here do not have regular address  like in the USA.  Even though there is no street address number the post office here seems to be able to find a house by "magic".

We don't have a street address but rather a location description.  ( road name, Neighborhood name ,garden name, building number and apartment). It works even for my sister when she sends a care package from the USA.

The taxi drivers operate the same way. (by description) not by address. If I can pronounce it correctly they will find it.  Something like the (subway gate A1),  (district), (neighborhood)...will get me dropped off at the curb across from the subway gate. 

Another that I thought was funny when I first came here but now don't give a second thought. " xi wan lu, apartments behind the pipe factory" Everyone knows where this is even though the pipe factory was torn down 15 years ago.

Dong Guan is not a backwoods farm town. It is a modern metropolis. I think the post office can find her, given an address or proper description. I think she is hiding from you and does not want you to have her address. Or mabe she really lives somewhere else....careful

[Arnold]

I hear you Gerry. You know what? Just last week, my Mother got back a Package she send for Qing's Mom. The reason: Room# correct, Building# correct, Lane# correct also Name and Zip Code all good. The reason it came back two months later... she put between Building+Lane the number 118 and I still have no Glue why in the World she did that? She send multiple Gift's already to this address.
Looks like, the "Postman" was a Lazy A** or a new Guy?

Oh, by the way.. this Post was from the Offical Chnlove Forum. Hence I can't Post there anymore ( not a member) I copy'd and placed it here.

[Buzz]

I have not seen anyone mention that it is critical to have the cell phone number on the package or letter.  I make sure that it is clearly visible and I know that the postman always calls and talks with the person prior to delivery.  Not sure why I put the address, but I know the phone number is required.

buzz

[Robertt S]

[Robertt S]

[Robertt S]

  Actual Letter to the Canadian Passport Office – Must Read!      Subject: Actual letter to the Canadian Passport office
Dear Mr. Minister,
I’m in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this.
How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a t.v. cable from them back in 1997, and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date.
For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand?
 
 My birth date you have on my social insurance card, and it is on all the income tax forms I’ve filed for the past 30 years. It is on my health insurance card, my driver’s license, on the last eight goddamn passports I’ve had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I’ve had to fill out before being allowed off the planes over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done at election times.
Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother’s name is Maryanne, my father’s name is Robert and I’d be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die!
SHIT!
I apologize, Mr. Minister. I’m really pissed off this morning. Between you an’ me, I’ve had enough of this bullshit! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my fuckin’ address. What is going on? You have a gang of Neanderthals assholes workin’ there?
Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don’t want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for shit sakes. I just want to go and park my ass on a sandy beach.
And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I’d sure as hell not want to tell anyone!
Well, I have to go now, ’cause I have to go to the other end of the city and get another fuckin’ copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of $60 !!!
Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day??
Nooooo, that’d be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You’d rather have us running all over the fuckin’ place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some asshole to confirm that it’s really me on the goddamn picture – you know, the one where we’re not allowed to smile?!
(fuckin’ morons)
Hey, you know why we can’t smile? We’re totally pissed off!
Signed – An Irate fucking Canadian Citizen.
P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it’s me? Well, my family has been in this country since 1776 when one of my forefathers took up arms against the Americans. I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had security clearances up the yingyang.
I was aide de camp to the lieutenant governor of our province for ten years and I have been doing volunteer work for the RCMP for about five years.
However, I have to get someone ‘important’ to verify who I am – you know, someone like my doctor WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN COMMUNIST fucking CHINA!!!
Hamilton, Ontario Canada
Submitted by John Hutchinson

[Robertt S]

http://www.flowgo.com/funny/12810_political-correctness-parody.html

[Robertt S]

From the Queen : An important announcement regarding the USA     To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
 In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
 Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).
 Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
 Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
 To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
 1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
 
 2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
 
 3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
 
 4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
 
 5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
 
 6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
 
 7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
 
 8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips  are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal  fat, and dressed, not with ketchup, but with vinegar.
 
 9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
 
 10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
 
 11. You will cease playing American football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the New Zealanders). Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
 
 12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (world dominators) first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
 
 13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
 
 14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
 
 15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
 God Save the Queen!

[Willy The Londoner]

I am all for that list except one Robertt.

 3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

I cannot support that clause but will expect the rest to be in immediate use.  Failing which I may decide to attack the USA at every opportunity, which anyone who knows me will agree that will go against my usual character.

Of course on the plus side you would be getting a future Queen that flashes her threepenny bits for the world to see.

Willy

[shaun]

NO thanks Willy.  We already have plenty of queens in the US.

[Robertt S]

English hospitality     An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and
 explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and
 occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture,
 chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness.
 
 After a while, he finds himself in a very high class
 neighbourhood.....big, stately residences... no pubs, no stores, no
 restaurants, and worst of all... NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.
 
 He really, really has to go, after all those Guinness's.
 
 He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent
 buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.
 
 As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobby, who
 says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."
 
 "I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really
 HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public restroom."
 
 "Ah, yes," said the bobby..."Just follow me".
 
 He leads him to a back "delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate,
 which he opens.
 
 "In there," points the bobby. "Whiz away sir, anywhere you want."
 
 The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has
 ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculpted hedges,
 and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.
 
 
 Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly
 relieved.
 
 As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby,"That was really
 decent of you... is that what you call 'English Hospitality'?"
 
 
 "No, sir" replies the bobby, "that is what we call the French Embassy."

[Robertt S]

A Police Officer in the UK
 Question:
 How do you tell the difference between a British Police Officer, an Australian Police Officer and an American Police Officer?
 
 Answer:
 First - Lets pose the following question:
 
 You're on duty by yourself walking on a deserted street late at night.
 Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and lunges at you.
 You are carrying a Glock .40, and you are an expert shot, however you have only a split second to react before he reaches you.What do you do?
 
 BRITISH POLICE OFFICER:
 Firstly the officer must consider the man's Human Rights.
 1) Does the man look poor or oppressed?
 2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law?
 3) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
 4) Am I dressed provocatively?
 5) Could I run away?
 6) Could I possibly swing my gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
 7) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong doings?
  Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
 9) Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society?
 10) Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
 11) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me?
 12) If I raise my gun and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head and kills himself? .
 13) If I shoot and wound him, and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home?
 
 AUSTRALIAN POLICE OFFICER:
 BANG!
 
 
 AMERICAN POLICE OFFICER:
 BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!   'click'....
 (Sergeant arrives at scene later and remarks: 'Nice grouping!)