JUST FOR A LAUGH

[Robertt S]

[Robertt S]

[Willy The Londoner]

Now I do like that last one Robertt.  By why stop at DC?

Willy

[Robertt S]

[LP]

I like the one that said brain eating zombies invade Washington D.C and die of starvation.

[shaun]

From our local news paper;

A Richmond County grand jury indicted a man accused of biting off his father-in-law’s earlobe on a charge of aggravated battery.
The indictment returned Tuesday against J********** M. C******* contends he caused F********* H******* permanent disfigurement on Oct. 20.
C****** was charged with domestic violence in 2008 and 2009, but one case was dismissed and the other reduced to reckless conduct. C****** should be arraigned on the new felony charge later this month in Richmond County Superior Court.

[Jason B]

Mike Tyson all over again........

[shaun]

Yes I told Peggy that I was going to recommend this man for one of her friends but that I didn't want to lose an ear lobe if he became angry.


I've lost the smiley faces again!!!!!!!


Another thing to note.  Maybe we should outlaw teeth in an effort to stop ear love removals.  It seems it is becoming a habitual thing.

[Willy The Londoner]

 
No problem Shaun. I sent you all of mine.  I know how painful it is to lose these things.

Willy

[Robertt S]

[Peter Arnold]

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....
 
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin , 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself , they've lost the plot!!
 

 
I was driving this morning when I saw an RACVvan parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown.
 
Statistically , 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.
 
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning , can you believe that , 2:30am?!  Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
 

 
Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how do you know?  He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!"
   
I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!!  At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.
 

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back.  He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.
 
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.  She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you're obviously not listening.
 
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

   
 

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkas saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.
What a pair of sexists. I mean , it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!


 
Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.
It was a lovely service.

[Peter Arnold]

They just keep coming

The Pastor's Ass
The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey
that he entered it in the race again and it won again.
The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of
publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter
the donkey in another race.
The next day the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop so he
ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey.
The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted
the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted.
He informed the Nun that she would have to get
rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered
the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the
plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE..

The Bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public
opinion can bring you much grief and misery . . even shorten
your life. So be yourself and enjoy life.
Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and
you'll be a lot happier and live longer!
Have a nice day!

 

[David K]

A ten year old boy was failing maths. At the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school.

After the very first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face, and went right past them straight to his room,
where he quietly closed the door.  He toiled away in his room, working feverishly on schoolwork until bedtime. 

After two months of this behaviour,  the boy walked in with his report card

Cautiously, his parents opened it, and to her amazement, they saw a bright red "A+" for Maths. Overjoyed, they rushed into their son's room, thrilled at his remarkable progress.

"Was it the nuns that did it?", they asked
"No."
"Was it the one-on-one tutoring? 
"No."
"The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?"

"No," said the son. “Let me explain”
"On that first day, I walked in the  front door and saw that guy nailed to the 'plus sign,'
I  knew these guys REALLY meant business!"

[David K]

SINGLE BLONDE FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity and age unimportant.

I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play.
I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire.
Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand.
Rub me the right way and watch me respond.
I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me.
Kiss me and I'm yours.

Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy.

[Over 15,000 men phoned in and found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week old Golden Retriever.]
.....MEN ARE SO EASY.....

[Robertt S]