Author Topic: JUST FOR A LAUGH  (Read 305495 times)

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Offline MLM

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RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #135 on: July 21, 2009, 06:32:26 am »
thanks David, I needed that laugh right now.
TIME IS THE TELLER OF ALL TRUTHS AND THE HEALER OF ALL HURTS

David5o

  • Guest
RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #136 on: July 21, 2009, 10:24:50 am »
Paddy the Irishman died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the Morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean (also Irishmen), were sent for.

Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over". So the mortician rolled him over.

Seamus looked and said, "Nope, it ain't Paddy". The mortician thought that was rather strange, but said nothing and asked Sean in to identify the body.

Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over"

The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't
Paddy".

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two arseholes."

"What, he had two arseholes?!!" said the mortician.

"Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, "Here comes Paddy with them two Arseholes...."

-------------------------

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint.

Paddy, the officer, stops them and tells them: "It is illegal to put 5
people in a Quattro, Quattro means four"

"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishman retorts
disbelievingly. "Look at the papers, this car is designed to carry five
persons."

"You cannot pull that one on me," replies Paddy "Quattro means four. You
have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law."

The Englishmen replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"

"Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."

----------------------

Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, "You are charged with beating your wife to death with a spanner."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You b*stard!"

The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your daughter to
death with a spanner."

Again the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You Fu*king
b*stard!!!"

The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the court room, and
said, "Paddy, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt! Now what is the problem?"

Paddy, at the back of the court stood up and responded, "For fifteen years
I've lived next door to that b*stard and every time I asked to borrow a
fu*king spanner, he said he didn't have one!"

----------------------------

A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he looks in
his shirt pocket and asks for another beer. After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another beer.

This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him, "Why do you keep looking in your pocket?"

The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I'll go home!"

-------------------

A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it any longer, and goes to her
supervisor to file a sexual harassment complaint. She tells the supervisor
what the co-worker does, and that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against him.

The supervisor is puzzled by this approach, and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice"?

The woman replies, "It's Keith, the dwarf."

------------------------

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic bin bags,
one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags and once in a while a
£20 note flies out of it onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her. "Madam, there are £20 notes falling
out of that bag..."

"Damn!" says the little old lady...."I'd better go back and see if I can
find some of them. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the policeman. "How did you get all that
money? Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back garden backs onto the car park of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!" So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his thingie through the bushes, I grab it and I say: '£20 or off it comes!' "

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "Good luck!" By the way, what's in
the other bag?"

"Well", says the little old lady, "Not all of them pay."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Job application


This is an actual job application that a 75 year
old senior citizen submitted to Wal-Mart in Arkansas.
They hired him because he was so funny.

NAME: George Martin

SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right
woman (or at least, one who'll cooperate).

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice
President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I
was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying
here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock
options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If
that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management
hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible
collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p. m. Monday,Tuesday,
and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but
they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had
one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD
PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate
question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR
RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the
Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell
me.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no, on my breaks - no.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb
sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest
thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be
doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND
COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.


SIGN HERE: Sagittarius
« Last Edit: July 21, 2009, 10:37:43 am by David5o »

David5o

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RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #137 on: July 21, 2009, 01:47:57 pm »
These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humor.

__________________________________________________

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )

A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

__________________________________________________

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

__________________________________________________

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns ,Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK )

A: What did your last slave die of?

__________________________________________________

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )

A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.


__________________________________________________

Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA )

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

_________________________________________________

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

__________________________________________________

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ...
oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.


__________________________________________________

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )

A: You are a British politician, right?

__________________________________________________

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal .


__________________________________________________

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.


__________________________________________________

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.


__________________________________________________

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? ( USA )

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

__________________________________________________

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? ( Italy )

A: Yes, gay night clubs. _____________________________________________

Q:  you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )

A: Only at Christmas.

__________________________________________________

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the Girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross*. Can you help? ( USA )

A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour..

__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


England solves the illegal immigrant problem


« Last Edit: July 21, 2009, 02:38:17 pm by David5o »

David5o

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RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #138 on: July 21, 2009, 02:52:04 pm »
Paddy.....

Into the local pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O'Connor and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little sh*t, O'Connor?" says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?"

"That I did," said Paddy, "Mrs. O'Connor's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

"What about your other hand Paddy?"

"Sure now, wasn't I scratching the back of me head wondering what to do next !"
State Of The Art Watch!

A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."

The woman giggles seductively and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!"

The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."
« Last Edit: July 21, 2009, 03:29:16 pm by David5o »

David5o

  • Guest
RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #139 on: July 21, 2009, 05:24:50 pm »
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Life And A Can Of Beer


When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the beer.
A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar were full. They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar were full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar were full. The students responded with an unanimous yes. The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand.

The students laughed. "Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things--your family, your children, your health, your friends, your favorite passions--things that if everything else were lost, and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else--the small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented.

The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers."

David5o

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RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #140 on: July 21, 2009, 06:52:16 pm »
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


The Barber

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks,
"How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours."

The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks,
"How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours."

The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks,
"How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and a half."

The guy leaves.

The barber, who is intrigued by this time, looks over at a friend in the shop and says,
"Hey, Bill. Follow that guy and see where he goes."

A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asks, "Bill, So where did he go when he left here?"

Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house."

David5o

  • Guest
RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #141 on: July 21, 2009, 09:14:11 pm »
Technical support problems.....



Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the Flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such as romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as: football 5.0, Rugby 4.3 and Cricket 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs; it simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,

Ms Desperate


*****************************************************


Dear Ms Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Try entering the command:


C:/I-THOUGHT-YOU-LOVED-ME to download Tears 6.2, which should automatically install Guilt 3.0. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.

WARNING: Beer 6.1 is a very nasty program that will create Snoring Loudly.

CAUTION: Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law. This is not a supported application and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,

Tech Support

*****************************************************

Dear Technical Support,

18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, whichI had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off. To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9.

Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better. I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware. I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2007.

Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is. Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also, When Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Saab 93 Convertible hard drive, it often crashes. Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off.

Your advice please?

Phill.

shaun

  • Guest
RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #142 on: July 21, 2009, 10:10:14 pm »
Phil, If you are unhappy with Wife 1.0 our reccomendation is to stay the course until the program leads you to Divorce 6.7.  Though the process can be painful to learn we would like to offer you a new program that you may find real exciting.  We do have a few who have tried the beta version and are more that satisfied and happy with the new software.  We call it Chinese Wife 1.0.  Let us know and we will send it to you asap.

Software Happiness

David5o

  • Guest
RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #143 on: July 22, 2009, 07:35:31 am »
New Alphabet


A is for apple, and B is for boat,
That used to be right, but now it won't float!
Age before beauty is what we once said,
But let's be a bit more realistic instead.

Now

A's for arthritis;
B's the bad back,
C's the chest pains, perhaps car-d-iac?

D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.

H .. high blood pressure--I'd rather it low;
I .. for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.

L 's for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, bones that don't grow!

P for prescriptions, I have quite a few,
just give me a pill and I'll be good as new!
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.

S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T is for Tinnitus; bells in my ears!
U is for urinary; troubles with flow;
V for vertigo, that's 'dizzy,' you know.

W for worry, NOW what's going 'round?
X is for X ray, and what might be found.
Y for another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest I still have-- in my mind.

I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed, and
I'm keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed!!!

David5o

  • Guest
RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #144 on: July 22, 2009, 12:25:50 pm »
A Typical Cypriot Man's View On Marriage

Some women just do not appreciate a good man

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older,
it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping
as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to shout at them.
Some are over-sensitive and there's nothing worse than an over-sensitive woman.

My name is Yiorgos. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife Yianoulla.
When I took a break from work last year, it became necessary for Yianoulla.
to get a full-time job for the extra income that we need.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age.
I now usually get home from the pub about the same time she gets home from work.
Although she knows how hungry I am,
she nearly always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner.
I don't shout at her, instead I tell her to take her time and just wake me
when she gets dinner on the table.
I generally have lunch at the pub so eating out again is out of the question;
I'm ready for some home cooked food when I get in.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating.
But now it's usual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.
I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening
that they won't clean themselves.
 I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her
to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of ageing is complaining.
For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to do the shopping during her lunch hour.
But we take them for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement.
I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days.
That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing
lunch completely now and then won't hurt her.
I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods.
She has to take a rest when she has only half finished mowing the lawn
and several extra breaks when she's vacuuming through the house.
It does annoy me, vacuuming when I'm trying to watch 'Match of the Day',
but I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to make herself a nice cup of tea
and just sit for a while, and as long as she is making one for herself,
she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Yianoulla..
I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy.
Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible!
Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.
However, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your ageing wife
because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile.
After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

EDITOR'S NOTE:

Yiorgos died suddenly last week. He was found with a 24-inch Stanley screwdriver rammed up his arse with only 2 inches showing.

Yianoulla. was arrested, but the all-woman jury accepted her defence that he accidentally sat on it, ....heavily!!!!

Offline JimB

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    • http://www.jandyenterprises.com
RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #145 on: July 22, 2009, 02:04:52 pm »
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch,
>"Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this:
>
>    COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT.
>
>    ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
>
>    COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking
>about buying a computer.
>
>    ABBOTT: Mac?
>
>    COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
>
>    ABBOTT: Your computer?
>
>    COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
>
>    ABBOTT: Mac?
>
>    COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
>
>    ABBOTT: What about Windows?
>
>    COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
>
>    ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
>
>    COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
>
>    ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
>
>    COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
>
>    ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
>
>    COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write
>proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
>
>    ABBOTT: Office.
>
>    COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
>
>    ABBOTT: I just did.
>
>    COSTELLO: You just did what?
>
>    ABBOTT: Recommend something.
>
>    COSTELLO: You recommended something?
>
>    ABBOTT: Yes.
>
>    COSTELLO: For my office?
>
>    ABBOTT: Yes.
>
>    COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
>
>    ABBOTT: Office.
>
>    COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
>
>    ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
>
>    COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm
>sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
>
>    ABBOTT: Word.
>
>    COSTELLO: What word?
>
>    ABBOTT: Word in Office.
>
>    COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
>
>    ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
>
>    COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
>
>    ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
>
>    COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some
>straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can
>track my money with?
>
>    ABBOTT: Money.
>
>    COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
>
>    ABBOTT: Money.
>
>    COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
>
>    ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
>
>    COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
>
>    ABBOTT: Money.
>
>    COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
>
>    ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
>
>    COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
>
>    ABBOTT: One copy.
>
>    COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
>
>    ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
>
>    COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
>
>    ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
>
>    (A few days later)
>
>    ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
>
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Maxx's 24 hour rule, learn it, live it.

David5o

  • Guest
RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #146 on: July 22, 2009, 04:34:23 pm »
Mums Birthday present.....


Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of
personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football
cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead
and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named
Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and
model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

________________________________

MONDAY:

Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was
well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting
for me. She is something of a Greek goddess.

Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching
the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my
workout today. Very inspiring!

Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit- ups, although my gut was
already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is
going to be a FANTASTIC week!

________________________________

TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.

Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air
then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.

_______________________________

WEDNESDAY:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other
club members. Her voice is a little too perky for that early in the
morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY
annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the
stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an
activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help
me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.

______________________________

THURSDAY:

Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her
thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being
a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes.

Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I
ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny bitch to find me.

Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

_______________________________

FRIDAY:

I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any
other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anaemic,
anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move
without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And
if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or
anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
or the choir director?

________________________________

SATURDAY:

Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly
voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her voice made
me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
hours of the Weather Channel.

________________________________

SUNDAY:

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my
daughter (the little shit) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like
a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend
over , he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

David5o

  • Guest
RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #147 on: July 22, 2009, 07:11:54 pm »
Beer Scam...... you have been warned!!!


Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink by any woman.

Many females use a date-rape-drug on the market called ' Beer' .

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large kegs.

Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them.

A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several Beers , men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking Beer , men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that 'something bad' occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as 'a relationship'. In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as 'marriage'.

Men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please give this warning to every male you know.

If you fall victim to this 'Beer' scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.

For the support group nearest you, just look up 'Golf Courses' in the phone book.

David5o

  • Guest
RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #148 on: July 22, 2009, 08:28:44 pm »
match-making service rejection


click pic to enlarge.....


Oh, .... i get it now, he should of written Penis.....Right??
« Last Edit: July 22, 2009, 08:30:09 pm by David5o »

David5o

  • Guest
RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #149 on: July 23, 2009, 07:45:43 am »
Paddy goes to war!

Nicolas Sarkozy, The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare , Ireland . I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring War on you!'

'Well, Paddy,' Sarkozy replied, 'This is indeed important news! How big is your army?'

'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is meself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!'

Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you Paddy that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.'

'Begorra!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back...' sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the War is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!'

'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks.

'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'

Sarkozy sighs, amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.'

'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.' Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get ourselves airborne!

'We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'

Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 Bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!'

'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'

'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of heart?'

'Well,' says Paddy, we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and decided there is no way we can feed 200,000 French prisoners'.........