Author Topic: JUST FOR A LAUGH  (Read 304683 times)

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Offline Willy The Londoner

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1350 on: January 10, 2014, 08:18:41 pm »
No worries JB. I love to wake up to these very amusing tales.

I had a good laugh at all three this morning. ;D ;D ;D

As for making a diagnostic analyse on the contents then tell me, just what is a 70 + year old suppose to do on a cold winters night here in China  :-\

keep them coming as I will use them in my next 'stand up' attempt at 'China's Got Talent'  :-[

Willy
Willy The Lpndoner

Now in my 12th year living here,

Offline JohnB

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1351 on: January 10, 2014, 08:41:11 pm »
Willy, for you...

Better than a Flu Shot!

Miss Beatrice, The church organist,
Was in her eighties
And had never been married. She was admired for her
sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and
she showed him into her quaint sitting room.

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea...

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young
minister noticed a cut glass bowl Sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled with water,
and in the water floated of all things, a condom!

When she returned With tea and scones,they
began to chat. The pastor
tried to stifle his curiosity
About the bowl of water and its
strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice', he said,
'I wonder if you would tell me about this?
Pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?
I was walking through the park a few
months ago and I found
this little package on the ground.


The directions said
To place it on the organ,
Keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.



Offline JohnB

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1352 on: January 10, 2014, 09:03:34 pm »
A man checks into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely. He thought of one of those girls you see advertised
in phone booths when you're calling for a cab. He popped into a phone booth near the hotel and found an ad for a girl
calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right
places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs...... well, you get the picture! He copied the phone number and
returned to his hotel. When back in the room he figures, what the hell, give her a call.

'Hello,' the woman says. God, she sounded sexy.

'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one.. No, wait, I should be straight
with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements,
toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me
in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want! Now, how does that sound?'


She says, 'That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line'

Offline JohnB

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1353 on: January 10, 2014, 09:10:28 pm »
Dear Dr. Phil,

When I retired, I could hardly wait to spend time enjoying my favorite pastime -- bass fishing. I got my own little fishing boat and tried to
get my wife to join me, but she just never liked fishing. Finally, one day at the Bait & Tackle Shop, I got to talking to Sam the shop owner
who it turned out loves bass fishing as much as I do. We quickly became fishing buddies. As I said the wife doesn't care about fishing. She
not only refuses to join us she always complains that I spend too much time fishing.

A few weeks ago Sam and I had the best fishing trip ever. Not only did I catch the most beautiful bass you've ever seen, only a few minutes
later Sam must have caught his twin brother! So I took a picture of Sam holding up the two nice bass that we caught and showed the picture
to the wife hoping that maybe she'd get interested. Instead she says she doesn't want me to go fishing at all anymore! And she wants me
to sell the boat! I think she just doesn't like to see me enjoying myself.
What would you do? Tell the wife to forget it and continue my hobby or quit fishing and sell the boat as she insists?

Thanks,
Fisherman
P.S. Enclosed is a picture of Sam with the two bass we caught:



Dear Fisherman,
Get rid of that narrow minded wife.
That's a nice pair of bass!
DR. Phil



Offline JohnB

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1354 on: January 10, 2014, 09:34:26 pm »
I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a
mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by
wearing a black leather bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We
agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:
The other night my boyfriend came over and found me with a black leather
bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the
woman of my dreams... I love you.
' Then we made love all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the
leather bodice, heels and mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened
the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black
stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door
and saw me, he said, "What's for dinner, Batman?"

Offline ChinaBound

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1355 on: January 11, 2014, 12:20:17 am »
“Harry,” whined Mary, to her husband of 20 years. “What should I do?! I’m not ready for old age! I’m only 40 years old but I look and feel like I’m over 55! My face is all wrinkly, my back is bent over, and my hair is all thinned out.”

“Well,” said Harry after looking her up and down, “There is one thing about you that still works as good as new.”

“Oh Harry!” said Mary sitting down next to her husband, “you always know just what to say! What are you referring to?”

“Never mind” said Harry looking down.

“C’mon Harry, please tell me what you were referring to.”

“Mary, please don’t make me.”

“Harry I insist.”

“Well I was going to remark about how your eyesight seems to be working just fine!”

Offline ChinaBound

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1356 on: January 11, 2014, 12:37:35 am »
To my darling husband,

Before you return from your overseas trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pickup truck when I turned into the driveway. Fortunately not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me. I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door is slightly bent but the pickup fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car.

I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart. I am enclosing a picture for you.

I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.

Your loving wife.
XXX





 P.S . Your girlfriend called.
« Last Edit: January 11, 2014, 12:43:12 am by ChinaBound »

Offline JohnB

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1357 on: January 12, 2014, 01:06:43 pm »
I just love these things. Cold and crispy on the outside, soft and chewy on the inside.

Offline JohnB

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1358 on: January 12, 2014, 01:19:50 pm »
The Day the Penis asked for a Raise

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely,

P. Niss

The Response

Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task..
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely,

V. Gina

Offline JohnB

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1359 on: January 12, 2014, 01:28:43 pm »
After the eighty-three year old lady finished her annual physical
Examination, the doctor said,

"You are in fine shape for your age, Mrs. Mallory, but tell me, do you still have intercourse?"

"Just a minute, I'll have to ask my husband," she said..

She stepped out into the crowded reception room and yelled out loud:

"Henry, do we still have intercourse?" And there was a hush .

You could hear A pin drop.

Henry answered impatiently, "If I told you once, Irma, I told
You a hundred times...What we have is...

Blue Cross!"

Offline JohnB

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1360 on: January 12, 2014, 01:41:31 pm »
Never assume men understand

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath.
One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor
whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a
little '0ral sex' will do the trick & bring her out of the coma.'
The husband was sceptical, but they assured
him that they would close the curtains for privacy.

The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined,
no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room.

'What happened!?' they cried.

The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.'

Offline JohnB

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1361 on: January 12, 2014, 01:45:45 pm »
A Palindrome reads the same backwards as forward. This video reads the exact opposite backwards
as forward. Not only does it read the opposite, the meaning is the exact opposite.
This is only a 1 minute, 44 second video and it is brilliant. Make sure you read as well as listen...forward and backward.

This is a video that was submitted in a contest by a 20-year old. The contest was titled "u @ 50" by AARP. This
video won second place.
So simple and yet so brilliant.....

Lost Generation
https://www.youtube.com/embed/42E2fAWM6rA

Offline Pineau

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1362 on: January 17, 2014, 05:33:02 pm »
True
Don’t give up when you still have something to give. Nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying.
https://chinaandfriends.shutterfly.com/pictures
http://www.youtube.com/user/gerrypineau/videos
http://youtu.be/zG4eoONlutE

Offline JohnB

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1363 on: January 18, 2014, 08:56:02 pm »

Offline JohnB

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Re: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #1364 on: January 24, 2014, 11:29:48 am »
 there is a downfall for drinking a cheap shit beer...
« Last Edit: January 24, 2014, 11:52:30 am by JohnB »