JUST FOR A LAUGH

[JohnB]

Simple words don't show her deadly fangs.

[JohnB]

What deep thinkers men are... I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had
a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said 'nothing'. The reason I said that instead
of saying 'just thinking' is because she would have said 'about what ?'. At that point I would have
to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions.

Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that
question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my
conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

[JohnB]

Dyson vacuums 'corrective action' on display
http://www.angelfire.com/ak2/intelligencerreport/dyson.html

[JohnB]

Today's Short Reading from the Bible...

From Genesis: "And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be
found in all corners of the earth."

Then He made the earth round...and laughed and laughed and laughed!

[Pineau]

These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)
Q. Name the four seasons
A..Salt, pepper,
mustard and vinegar
Q. How is dew formed
A..The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A.. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are
well endowed
Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A..Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an
election
Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs
(Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)
Q... What happens to your body as you age
A.. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A.. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery
(So true)
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A.. Premature death
Q. What is artificial insemination
A... When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A.. Keep it in the cow
(Simple,but brilliant)
Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. The abdomen)
A.. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal
cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart
and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,U .
Q. What is the fibula?
A..A small lie
Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A.. Nearby
Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A.. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium
(That would work)
Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A.. The caesarean section is a district in Rome
Q. What isa seizure?
A.. A Roman Emperor.
(Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)
Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport.
(Irrefutable)
Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A.. Benign is what you will be after you be eight
(brilliant)
Q. What is a turbine?
A.. Something an
Arab or Shriek wears on his head.
Once a Arab boy reaches puberty, he removes his diaper and wraps it around his head.
(now we’re getting somewhere)

[Pineau]

Have you met my girlfriend?
http://youtu.be/J8UdcKfw528

[kenny]

good luck with her??

[Robertt S]

[Pineau]

Those were the days.,

[Pineau]

A girfriend once told me " I just can't take it any longer"

I said " You're in luck ! It doesn't get any longer. 

[IrishGuy65]

A guy roams around China for a month, visiting many cities and meeting girls in all the cities.  Looking for lust, he scores with most he meets.  After flying back home, he tells all his buddies what a stud he is and how he was able to score easily and often in China.  He is so proud of himself, he tells everyone that will listen. 

After being home a week or so, he wakes up one morning, and as he is getting into the shower, he notices some very light red splotches and black dots on his penis.  It's early in the morning, so he ignores it, thinking he is imagining things.  Next morning, the splotches and spots looks a little more pronounced, so he goes to the doctor.

"Doc," he says, "I'm developing some weird markings on my penis!". 
So the doctor looks him over.  "I've never seen anything like this!"  The Doctor then goes to his computer and starts typing furiously...   "Ah!  I see!  Young man, you are the first American case of Mongolian Spotted VD!" 
"Mongolian Spotted VD?  Is it bad?  Am I going to die?"
"No, no, you won't die.  But you will need surgery as soon as possible.  Within the next week."
"Surgery?  What do you need to do?"
"We'll need to amputate."
"What???  Amputate my penis?"
"Yes."
"I'm going to get a second opinion!"
"OK, but you need to do it quick.  We'll need to amputate as soon as possible."

So the man decides to look for a Chinese doctor, one who may have more experience with Mongolian Spotted VD.  So he finds a Chinese doctor, and goes to see him.  After the doctor looks him over, he says, "It is definitely Mongolian Spotted VD.  I seen it many times on impetuous young men."
"So doctor", the man says, "I was told I had to get an amputation!"
"Hah!  American doctors always look to make money on patients.  Always recommend some surgical treatment.  You don't need surgery."
"Wow, that's a relief.  I was worried.  So what do I do?"
"Nothing."
"So my penis is going to be fine?"
"Well, at this advanced stage of Mongolian Spotted VD..."
"You mean I DO need to get it amputated??"
"No... in about a week, it should fall off on its own."

The moral of the story... Keep it in your pants and you get to keep it!

[JohnB]

thailand got talent
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bKMWC9ow22U

[maxx]

John Iv'e seen this before. Somebody posted it to me on facebook. I about fell out of my chair the first time I seen it. I knew it was coming but it was still great especially the look on the judges faces.

You want a great laugh watch this video.

[JohnB]

after all, it is 2014!
Thought you might enjoy these !


I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's
remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much
faster now.

You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are
holding a gun, she's probably angry.

Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they
drink like their fathers.

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone?
That's common sense leaving your body.

I don't like making plans for the day because then the word "premeditated"
gets thrown around in the courtroom.

I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row!

I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim.
I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers, if you
find one, what's your plan?

[JohnB]

don't know if this was ever posted...

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money
and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her,
kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't
seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do
whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very
dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay,
thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom.
Be strong honey. I love you too!!"