JUST FOR A LAUGH

[David5o]

Viagra Switch

Yep, it works both ways.....


click on pic to enlarge



 This was seen in a doctor's surgery in Tampa FL.....

[David5o]

Why men die first

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the
rat race. .you’re a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework...you’re a po*fter.
If you work too hard...there’s never any time for her.
If you don’t work enough...you’re a good-for-nothing lazy pr*ck.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay...this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay.....you should get
off your lazy ass and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her...that is favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you......it’s equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks......it’s s*xual harassment.
If you keep quiet..........it’s male indifference.
If you cry............you’re a wimp.
If you don’t....................you’re an insensitive b*stard.
If you make a decision without consulting her.........you’re a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you......she’s a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn’t enjoy....... that’s domination.
If SHE asks you.........it’s a favour.
If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear......you’re a pervert.
If you don’t..............you’re gay.
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape.........youre s*xist.
If you don’t.................you’re unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape................you’re vain.
If you don’t................you’re a slob.
If you buy her flowers.............you’re after something.
If you don’t....................you’re not thoughtful.
If you’re proud of your achievements........you’re full of sh*t.
If you’re not ....................you’re not ambitious.
If she has a headache............she’s tired.
If you have a headache.............you don’t love her anymore.
If you want it too often.........you’re overs*xed.
If you don’t................there must be someone else.

Men die first because they want to.

[Skip]

Two guys are carpooling to work.

One guy asks the other, "Do you smoke after intercourse?"

The other guy says, "I dunno, I never looked".

:fi_lone_ranger:

[David5o]

Dumb truckers

While driving along the back roads of a small town, two Arkansas truckers came to an overpass with a sign that read CLEARANCE 11'3". They got out and measured their rig, which was 12'4".

"What do you think?" one asked the other.

The driver looked around carefully, then shifted into first.
"Not a cop in sight. Let's take a chance!"--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Virgin couple's first time

virgin girl is on the phone and asks her boyfriend to come
over and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a
big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that
after dinner, she would like to go out and make love
for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex
before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get
some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and
the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.
He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and
sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many
condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family
pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he
thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.  

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents
house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm

so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

 The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table
where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly
offers to say grace and bows his head.  

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer,
with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the
girlfriend leans over and whispers to the
boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."  

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your
father was a pharmacist."

[David5o]

 Blond cook book

It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe
said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some [/b]
extra bowls.


Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without
dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper

A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming
the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it
improved the rice any.

Today Tom asked for salad again I tried a new recipe. It said prepare
ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden..

I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a
bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe.
When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to
dress it for Sunday. I don't have any clothes that fit it, and for some
reason Tom keeps counting to ten.

Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was
hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius.. I put the hamburger in the
oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.

GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week! I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with a chocolate moose.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Camels....

A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby Camel asks,
 "Mom, why have I got these huge three-toed feet?"
The mother replies, "Well, son, when we trek across the desert,
your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand."

"OK," said the son. A few minutes later the son asks,
 "Mom, Why have I got these great long eyelashes?"

"They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert."
"Thanks, Mom," replies the son.
After a short while, the son returns and asks,
"Mom, why have I got these great big humps on my back?"

The mother, now a little impatient with the boy,
replies, "They are there to help us store fat for our long treks across the desert,
so we can go without water for long periods."

"That's great, Mom. So we have huge feet to stop us sinking,
and long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes, and these humps to store water,
but Mom..."

"Yes, son?"

"So Why are we living in a zoo without a dessert then?"

Looks like mum has the Real ''hump'' with junior now

[David5o]

Eight Words with two Meanings

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female.... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.


2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n ..
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.!
Male..... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing by product of indigestion.
Male.... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

[David5o]

No money for underware


The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place
her
ball,
a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivees?" Oleg demanded.

"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any."

The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says,
"For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some
underwear."

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee.
Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies.

"Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?"

She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me."

Patrick reaches into his pocket andsays,
"For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some
underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over.
The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too,
is
naked under it.

"Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?"

She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money tae be able tae
affarrd any."

Murdo reaches into his pocket and says,
"Well, fer the love 'O decency, here's a comb..... Tidy yerself up a
bit."

[David5o]

Love Dress

A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house.

She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.

She was shocked to see her daughter-in- law laying
on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing,

and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

'What are you doing?' she asked.



'I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work,'

the daughter-in- law answered.

'But you're naked!' the mother-in-law exclaimed.

'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in- law explained.

'Love dress? But you're naked!'

'Mike loves me to wear this dress,' she explained. 'It excites
him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes
romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me.'



The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed,
showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed
the lights, put on a romantic CD, laid on the couch waiting for her husband
to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there
so provocatively.

'What are you doing?' he asked.

'This is my love dress,' she whispered, sensually.

'Needs ironing,' he said. 'What's for dinner?'

HE NEVER HEARD THE GUN SHOT

[David5o]

CAT STORIES

A little personal story about a cat ~ happened a good few years ago .

I was sitting on the couch with my cat lying across the top back of the couch behind me ~ it was a lazy day off work and I intended to relax.

The phone rang and I jumped up to answer it ~ the cat unknown to me was precariously perched between me and the couch ~ as I moved it stuck it's claws in my back through my thin tea shirt as it lost balance and tried to hang on ~ the claw marks were around 6 to 7 inches down my back .

Now you would think that cat claw marks would be easy to explain as they look like cat claw marks ~ looking in the bathroom mirror whilst applying cream I soon realised that not all the claws had made contact and what I could see looked like what I can only describe as the product of a passionate session.

I wrongly made a snap decision that I would just say nothing and hope they went away pretty quickly as it was going to be to much trouble to explain especially as the mrs was just a touch on the jealous side and often commented that she suspicious of what I got up to on my days off.

Well you can guess what happened ~ a couple of days after I forgot and whipped my shirt off ~ the scratches actually looked much worse and I was given the third degree for days as there was no way she believed my excuse.

The cat sat there smiling whilst I was protesting my innocence ~ I'm sure it was having a good laugh at my expense.

I still think she didn't believe me and reckon it's still stored in her grey matter ready to use against me if anything similar happens again.

Well it's certainly taught me a lesson ~ make sure the cat is aware of your move before you make it and if you do get scratched during a steamy session away from home ~~~~ blame the cat ~ even if you don't have one.

Bill ~~~~~~~~~~~ ex cat lover


=============================================================



A PERSONAL EXPERIENCE OF A CAT ATTACK

We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.

On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.

Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.
Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.

'Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it.'

'You know where the button is,' I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. 'Reset it yourself!'

'But I'm scared!' she persisted. 'What if it starts going and sucks me in?' There was a meaningful pause and then, 'C'mon, it'll only take you a second.'

So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly. Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth.. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a 'fight or flight' syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the 'flight' option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of 'been-there, done-that' paramedics.

Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was. 'What's the matter?' They all asked, 'Cat got your tongue?'

GOD!!....If they only knew!

[David5o]

The Famous Hypnotist!!

It was entertainment time at the Day Centre for the elderly and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill.

People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.
As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, 'Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotise each and every member of the audience.'
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

'I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations.'
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting 'Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch ....'
The crowd became mesmerised as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

 The Hypnotist yelled out, .....Oh SHIT!!
 
WOW!!, ....It took three days to clean up that Day Centre.

[David5o]

Going For A Drink


This diagram represents the thought processes of a man and a woman to the suggestion 'Let's go out for a drink'.

[David5o]

The Trip To Rome


This is something to think about when people are doing their best to rain on your parade. So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less, tries to make your life miserable..


A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to Rome.. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser." That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope.."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"







He said: "Who fucked up your hair?"

[David5o]

Hindsight is a wonderful thing!!


A little old lady was dozing in the chair , a elderly cat lying across her lap. All of a sudden there was a mighty flash and a genie appeared.

'What is your wish - mistress?' the genie inquired of the old lady.

Dreamingly awakening, the old lady thought for a moment or two,and then said, 'I would like to be young and beautiful again,and I would like Tom the cat to be turned into a handsome,virile young man'.

'You're wish is my command' uttered the genie.

And with a almighty flash of light the lady and the cat assumed the forms
of a beautiful young women and a equally beautiful young man.

The young man glanced across at the wonderful young women,
and taking her hand in his own, drew her towards his chest.
Leaning his head towards her, he whispered softly beside her ear.

'I bet you're sorry now you had me neutered.'



==============================================================




Too Love


TOO LOVE IS NOTHING

TOO BE LOVED IS SOMETHING

TOO LOVE AND BE LOVED IS EVERYTHING



This is for all the romantics out there

[David5o]

The Doctors Waiting Room

They always ask at the doctor's surgery why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. Many of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The receptionist said, 'Hello, sir. Can you please tell me why you're here to see the doctor today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick,' he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.'

'Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The receptionist replied, 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.'

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes?'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

[David5o]

LEXOPHILES

I thought I would share these with you, sent from the USA, so if you don't find them amusing do what most Cypriots do : blame the Yanks.


I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger.
Then it hit me.

Police were called to a day care center where a
three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side
was cut off? He's all right now.

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table
was Sir Cumference.

The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and
got a little behind in his work.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

When fish are in schools they sometimes take
debate.

The short fortune teller who escaped from prison
was a small medium at large.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He
became a hardened criminal

Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be
charged with stalking.

We'll never run out of math teachers because
they always multiply.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

The math professor went crazy with the
blackboard. He did a number on it.

The professor discovered that her theory of
earthquakes was on s haky ground.

The dead batteries were given out free of charge

If you take a laptop computer for a run you
could jog your memory.

A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and
nail.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

A will is a dead giveaway.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a
banana.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In a democracy it's yo ur vote that counts; in
feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

&n bsp; A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get
repossessed.

With her marriage she got a new name and a
dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and
I'll show you A-flat miner.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four
seconds.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was
fully recovered.

A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France,
resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge
it.

Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down
under.

He broke into song because he couldn't find the
key.

A calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and
'taint mine.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory w hich was never
developed.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Those who get too big for their britches will be
exposed in the end.

When you've seen one shopping center you've seen
a mall.

If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in
Seine.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she
thought she'd dye.

&nbs p; Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know
basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture: a jab well done.