JUST FOR A LAUGH

[JohnB]

Bromance Meme

[JohnB]

see CAL!

[JohnB]

My boss is such an upfront, no bs kind of guy. He pulled up to work with his sweet new car this morning and I complimented him on it.
He replied, "Well, if you work hard, set goals, stay determined and put in long hours, I can get an even better one next year."

[JohnB]

Wine tasting

At a wine merchant's warehouse, the regular taster died, and the director started looking for a
new one to hire. A retired Chief Petty Officer, drunk and with a ragged dirty look, came to apply
for the position. The director wondered how to send him away. They gave him a glass of wine to
taste.The old Chief tried it and said, "It's a Muscat three years old, grown on a north slope,
matured in steel containers. Low grade but acceptable."

"That's correct," said the boss. "Another glass, please."

"It's a cabernet, eight years old, south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at eight degrees.
Requires three more years for finest results."

"Absolutely correct. A third glass."

'It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive,' calmly said the drunk.

The director was astonished and winked at his secretary to suggest something. She left the room
and came back in with a glass of urine. The old Navy Chief tried it.

"Blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don't get the job, I'll name the father."

[JohnB]

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some History."

Who said: 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Akio, a bright foreign exchange
student from Japan, who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.

"Very good!

Who said: 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not
perish from the Earth'?"

Again, no response except from Little Akio: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

"Excellent!" said the teacher continuing. "Let's try one a bit more difficult.

Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?"

Once again, Akio's was the only hand in the air and he said: "John F. Kennedy, 1961."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves.

Little Akio isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper: "F--k the Japs."

"Who said that? I want to know right now !" ...she angrily demanded.

Little Akio put his hand up, "General MacArthur, 1945."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glares around and asks, "All right! Now who said that?"

Again, Little Akio says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Little Akio jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher,

"Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit! If you say anything else, I'll kill you!"

Little Akio frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the children testifying against him, 2004."
The teacher fainted.

As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh Shit, we are finished."
Little Akio said quietly, "Americans, if Trump gets elected."

[JohnB]

pic

[JohnB]

 
THE CONFESSION

Hi George,
This is Alan next door. I have a confession to make.
I've been feeling guilty these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you,
but at least I'm telling you now in a text message as I feel bad about you not knowing.
The truth is I have been sharing your wife a lot lately. In fact, probably more than you. I haven't been
able to get it at home recently, but that's no excuse, I know. The temptation was too much. I feel so
guilty and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies. It won't happen again. Please suggest a usage
fee and I'll pay you.
Regards,
Alan.

THE ACTION

George, feeling betrayed and insulted, grabbed his gun (he is an American!) rushed next door and
shot his neighbor dead. He returned home, poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa to
reflect. Then he took out his phone and saw he had a second message from his neighbor.

SECOND MESSAGE

Hi George,
Alan here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I guess you figured it out anyway - the damned
Auto-Correct changed ‘wi-fi’ to 'wife.’ Technology, hey?
Regards, Alan

[JohnB]

A businessman in the first class cabin decided to
chat up the drop dead, gorgeous flight attendant:

"What is your name?
Angela Benz, sir
Lovely name...any relation to Mercedes Benz?
Yes sir, very close
How close?
Same price."

[JohnB]

I was out attempting to launch a kite.
I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few
seconds, then it would come crashing back down to earth.
I tried this a few more times with no success.

All the while, my wife Karen was watching.
Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.

Finally she yells to me
"You need a piece of tail."

I turned with a confused look on my face and yelled back,
"Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite."

[Robertt S]

Interesting information to know!

[Robertt S]

A Texan is drinking in a Colorado bar when he gets a call on his cell phone.
 He orders drinks for everybody in the bar because he announces his wife has just produced a baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
 Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds. The Texan just shrugs, "That's about average in Texas. Like I said my boy's a typical Texas baby boy."
 Two weeks later the Texan returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So how much does he weigh now?"
 The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
 The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He was 25 pounds the day he was born."
 The Texas father takes a slow swig from his beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised".

[JohnB]

TRUMP’S SOLUTON FOR THE AIRLINES…..
Dear Airlines
Dump the male flight Attendants. No one wanted them in the first place. Replace all the female flight
attendants with YOUNG good-looking strippers! What the hell! They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?
The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a "party atmosphere" going in the cabin. And, of course,
every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women. Because of the tips, female
flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money.
Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching
halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.
This is definitely a win - win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset. Why
didn't Bush or Obama think of this?
Why do I still have to do everything myself?
Sincerely, Donald Trump

done deal on VietAir
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d1Ia1fLc8hw 
 

latest of the self- labeled greatest... the guy belongs on a joke thread.

[JohnB]

Are my testicles black?

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.
A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look normal."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely: "Are - My - Test - Results - Back?"

[JohnB]

John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm
and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,'
she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks,
we'll be gone at first light.'
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great
weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few
minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive
widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, 'Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow
from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'
'Yes, I do.' Said Keith.
'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'
'Well, um, yes!,' Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'
'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'
Keith's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.'
'Why do you ask?'
'She just died and left me everything.'

[Robertt S]

Last year a young man graduated from the University of Arkansas with a degree in journalism. His very first assignment, for the newspaper who hired him, was to write a human interest story. He decided to go into the Ozark Mountains to do his research.
 He found an old farmer's house in an isolated section and introduced himself to the man. He then asked him, "Has anything ever happened around here that made you happy?"
 The old farmer thought for a moment and said, "Yep, one time a neighbor's sheep got lost. We all formed a posse and found it. Then we all screwed it and took it back home." "I can't print that!" the young reporter exclaimed. "Can you think of anything else that happened that made you happy?"
 "Yep, one time a neighbor's daughter got lost. We all formed a posse and found her. After we all screwed her, we took her back home."
 "Hell, I can't print that either!" cried the frustrated reporter. "Has anything ever happened that made you sad?"
 The old farmer dropped his head and sat quietly for a few seconds. Then he timidly replied, "Yep, I got lost once."