JUST FOR A LAUGH

[JohnB]

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher.
He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!"
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.
"See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish...On any land!
No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear...do you understand?!"
The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running
for his life, being chased by the rancher's big bull.
With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure
enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.
The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs...
"Your badge, show him your BADGE!!"

[JohnB]

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual "dumb blonde" jokes, when a blonde in the 4th row stands up on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype us that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women li...ke me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as people. You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general ... and all in the name of juvenile humour!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize but the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your lap!"

[JohnB]

I'm sure Robert will enjoy this one..

One morning, three Cajuns and three Yankees were in a ticket line at a train station. The three Northerners each bought a ticket and watched as the three Cajuns bought just one ticket.
"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the Yankees.
"Watch and learn," answered one of the boys from Louisiana.
All six boarded the train where the three Yankees sat down, but the three Cajuns crammed into a toilet together and closed the door.
Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around to collect tickets. He knocked on the toilet door and said, "Ticket, please."
The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took it and moved on.
The Yankees saw this happen and agreed it was quite a clever idea. Indeed, so clever they decided to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.
That afternoon when they got back to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip and watched, while to their astonishment, the three Cajuns didn't buy even one ticket.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asked one of the perplexed Yankees.
"Watch and learn," answered the three Cajun boys in unison.
When they boarded the train, the three Northerners crammed themselves into a toilet and the three Cajuns crammed into another toilet just down the way. Shortly after the train began to move, one of the Cajuns left their toilet and walked over to the toilet in which the Yankees were hiding.
The Cajun knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please."

[JohnB]

Mr. President, how do you feel about Roe vs Wade?
President Trump: Look! I don't care how the Mexicans get home, but they have to go.

When I get my tax refund I'm gonna party like it's $19.99



 
I was doing yard work after the storm this weekend and my wife was about to take a shower. I realized that I couldn't find the rake. I yelled up to my wife, "Where's the rake?"
She couldn't hear me and she shouted back, "What?"
I pointed to my eye, then I pointed to my knee and made a raking motion. Then my wife wasn't sure and said, "What?".
I repeated the gestures: "EYE KNEE THE RAKE".
My wife replied that she understands and signals back. She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her bum, and finally to her crotch
Well, there is no way in hell I could even come close to that one. Exasperated, I went upstairs and asked her, "What the hell was that?"
She replied, "EYE - LEFT TIT - BEHIND - THE BUSH"

[JohnB]

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt.
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her
leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus
driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise
her leg.
Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once
again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more. For the second time, she tried the step, and, once
again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With another little smile to the driver, she again reached
behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her
gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How
dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!" The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally
I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

[JohnB]

memories on this one....

A Husband went with his wife to her high school reunion.

After meeting several of her friends and former school mates, they are
sitting at a table where he is yawning and overly bored. The band cranks
up and people are beginning to dance.

There's a guy on the dance floor living it large, break dancing, moon
walking, back flips, buying drinks for people, the works.

Wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? 25 years ago he
proposed to me and I turned him down".

Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!!!"

[JohnB]

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the
Irish countryside. The villagers stare at the BMW as they have never seen one before!

The pump attendant who obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner
completely unaware of who the golf pro is.

"Good morning. Beauty of an automobile you have there” says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick ‘hello’
and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

“What are those”, asks the attendant.

“They’re called tees,” replies Tiger.

“Well, what on God’s earth are dey for.” inquires the Irishman.

“They’re for resting my balls on when I’m driving”, says Tiger.

“The fook you say”, says the Irishman. “Fookin' BMW thinks of everything, don't they?"

[JohnB]

Recently I was diagnosed with
A.A.A.D.D.
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table,
put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills
back
on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think,
since I’m going to be near the mailbox
when I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table,
and see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
so I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the
can of Pepsi I’d been drinking.

I’m going to look for my checks,
but first I need to push the Pepsi aside
so that I don’t accidentally knock it over.

The Pepsi is getting warm,
and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi,
a vase of flowers on the counter
catches my eye–they need water.

I put the Pepsi on the counter and
discover my reading glasses that
I’ve been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk,
but first I’m going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter,
fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I’ll be looking for the remote,
but I won’t remember that it’s on the kitchen table,
so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
but first I’ll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers,
but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table,
get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to
remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
the car isn’t washed
the bills aren’t paid
there is a warm can of
Pepsi sitting on the counter
the flowers don’t have enough water,
there is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can’t find the remote,
I can’t find my glasses,
and I don’t remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I’m really baffled because I know I was busy all the damn day,
and I’m really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem,
and I’ll try to get some help for it,
but first I’ll check my e-mail….

[JohnB]

Hell Explained Scientifically

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid-term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

The answer by this student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question:
Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:
If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... ...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa repeatedly kept shouting 'Oh my God, I’m coming!'

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+

[JohnB]

A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Larry says: "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive
clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana,
a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her
like a loose screen door in a hurricane."

The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this outrageous response from little Larry, decides
not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson.

“And how about you, Sarah?"

“I wanna be Larry's whore"

[JohnB]

Best branch of the US Armed Forces? A Soldier, a Sailor, an Airman and a Marine got into an
 argument about which branch of the service was The Best. The arguing became so heated the four
servicemen failed to see an oncoming truck as they crossed the street. They were hit by the truck
and killed instantly. Soon, the four servicemen found themselves at the Pearly gates of Heaven. There,
they met Saint Peter and decided that only he could be the ultimate source of truth and honesty. So,
the four servicemen asked him, Saint Peter, which branch of the United States Armed Forces is the
best? Saint Peter replied, I can't answer that. However, I will ask God what He thinks the next ]
time I see Him. Meanwhile, thank you for your service on Earth and welcome to Heaven.
Sometime later the four servicemen see Saint Peter and reminded him of the question they had asked
when first entering Heaven and asked Saint Peter if he was able to ask God for the answer to their question.
Suddenly, a sparkling white dove lands on Saint Peter's shoulder. In the dove's beak is a note glistening
with gold dust. Saint Peter opens the note, trumpets blare, gold dust drifts into the air, harps play
crescendos and Saint Peter begins to read the note aloud to the four servicemen:
MEMORANDUM FROM THE DESK OF THE ALMIGHTY TO:
All Former Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen, and Marines
SUBJECT: Which Military Service Is the Best
1. All branches of the United States Armed Forces are honorable and noble.
2. Each serves America well and with distinction.
3. Serving in the United States military represents a great honor warranting special
respect, tribute, and dedication from your fellow man.
4. Always be proud of that.


Warm Regards,
God, USArmy, Ret.

[JohnB]

A Few Words of wisdom on Beer

Open a beer … read the following quotes about beer and enjoy…

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.”
Paul Horning

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.”
H. L. Mencken

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When
we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!”
George Bernard Shaw

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.”
Benjamin Franklin

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind
is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but
the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza”
Dave Barry

Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B.C.!
W. C. Fields

Remember "I" before "E," except in Budweiser.
Professor Irwin Corey

To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
Leo Durocher

One night at Cheers (TV Sitcom), Cliff Clavin said to his buddy, Norm Peterson:
"Well, ya see, Norm, it's like this… A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the
slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones
at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole,
because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the
regular killing of the weakest members! In much the same way, the human brain can
only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know,
kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this
way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a
faster and more efficient machine! That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.”

[JohnB]

AllTooTrue

[JohnB]

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've
heard colleagues referring to people with Guts, or with Balls.
Do they however, know the difference between them?

Here's the official distinction; straight from the British
Medical Journal: Volume 323; page 295.

GUTS - Is arriving home late, after a night out with the lads,
being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask:
"Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere? "

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the lads,
smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping
your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: "You're next, Chubby"

I trust this clears up any confusion.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome; both are fatal.

[JohnB]

An atheist is hiking through the woods. He thinks he hears something behind him so he
turns and sees a bear. Not wanting to spook the bear, he continues to walk, not run. The
noise behind him gets louder so he turns to look and, sure enough, the bear is gaining
on him. He decides to walk a little faster, but the noise continues to get louder. The bear
catches up to him so the man begins to run, but it's no use because the bear is right behind
him now, with one paw raised high... in the air, ready to grab him. The man, gripped with fear,
shouts out loud, "Oh dear God, don't let me die!" With that, everything freezes in time, and
the man hears a loud, ominous voice from above that says, "I can save you my son, but first you
must believe. Do you believe?" The man, confused and terrified, says "No, I'm an atheist, you don't
exist." God replies, "So be it, that is your choice, but I cannot save you." The man, scrambling to
save his life, asks "If you can't save me, can you at least make the bear a Christian?" God thinks
about this for a minute and replies, "I have granted you your wish my son, the bear is now a Christian."
And with that everything goes back into motion. The bear, having lost all its momentum, drops to the
ground dizzy and confused. The man, wondering if the bear is now a Christian, doesn't know what to
think. The bear looks up rubbing its eyes and sees the man standing there. The bear's eyes get really
big, which leaves the man breathless. Then the bear puts its front paws together and bows its head.
This brings great relief to the man because he can see the bear is in fact a Christian and merely saying
a prayer. Then the bear speaks, "Thank you Lord, for this meal I'm about to receive..."