JUST FOR A LAUGH

[JohnB]

[Pineau]

john, I gotta steal that one for facebook.

[JohnB]

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates.
He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup;
buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done
this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new
gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him
that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much..

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market She earns several times the $5,000. She gives
him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants
to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then he married the one with the biggest tits.

[JohnB]

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months,
yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know what?
You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side.
You know what Martha?'
'What dear?' she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

I'm beginning to think you're bad luck.... “

[JohnB]

Pastor's Business Card

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed
obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.

Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote 'Revelation 3:20' on the back of it and stuck
it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned.
Added to it was this cryptic message, 'Genesis 3:10..'

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20
begins 'Behold, I stand at the door and knock.' Genesis 3:10 reads, 'I heard your voice in the
garden and I was afraid for I was naked.'

'A cheerful heart is good medicine' (Prov. 17:22)

[JohnB]

Man walks into a Pub ... once inside, he realizes it's a gay bar, but he decides,
"What the heck, I really want a drink." So he sits down at the bar, and the gay
bartender says to him, "What's the name of your penis?" The guy says, "Look,
I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink." The gay bartender says, "I'm sorry,
but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis."

So the guy looks at the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer and asks,
"Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?" The man to left, with a smile, looks back
and says, "TIMEX." The guy asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, "Cause
it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'!"

A little shaken, the guy turns to the fella on his right sipping on a fruity margarita,
"So, what do you call your penis?" The man to his right turns to him and proudly
exclaims, "FORD, because quality is Job 1", he then ads, "Have you driven a Ford lately?"

Even more shaken, the guy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name
for his penis. He turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is SECRET.
Now give me my beer." The bartender begins to pour the guy a beer, but with a puzzled look
asks, "Why secret?" The guy says, "because it's strong enough for a man but made for a woman!"

[JohnB]

Ed and his wife Norma go to the state fair every year,
And every year Ed would say,
" Norma, I'd like to ride in that helicopter "
Norma always replied,
" I know Ed , but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks,
And fifty bucks is fifty bucks! "

One year Ed and Norma went to the fair, and Ed said,
" Norma, I'm 75 years old.
If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance"
To this, Norma replied,
" Ed, that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks"

The pilot overheard the couple and said,
" Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you
can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge
you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars."

Ed and Norma agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.
He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,
But still not a word...
When they landed, the pilot turned to Ed and said,

" By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you
didn't. I'm impressed! "

Ed replied,
" Well, to tell you the truth
I almost said something when Norma fell out,
But you know,
Fifty bucks is fifty bucks! "

[JohnB]

4 old mischievous Grandmas were sitting at a table in a nursing home.
About then an old Grandpa walked in.

One of the old Grandma's yelled out saying,
'We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.'

The old man said,
'There ain't no way you can guess it, you old fools.'

One of the old Grandmas said,
'Sure we can! Just drop your pants & under shorts & we can tell your exact age.'

Embarrassed just a little,
but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he
dropped his drawers.

The Grandmas asked him to first turn around
a couple of times & to jump up & down several times.
Then they all piped up & said, 'You're 87 years old!'

Standing with his pants down around his ankles,
the old gent asked, 'How in the world did you guess?'

Slapping their knees & grinning from ear to ear,
all 4 old ladies happily yelled in unison--

'We were at your birthday party yesterday!'

[JohnB]

 

Sign on a store..... Bubba and Billy Joe are walking down the street in Atlanta,
and they see a sign on a store which reads, "Suits $5.00 each!, shirts $2.00 each,
trousers $2.50 each. Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Joe, Look here! We could buy a
whole gob of these, take'em back to Sand Mountain, sell 'em to our friends, and
make a fortune. Just let me do the talkin' 'cause if they hear your accent, they
might think we're ignorant, and not wanna sell that stuff to us. Now, I'll talk in a
slow Georgia drawl so's they don't know we is from Alabama."

They go in and Bubba says with his best fake Georgia drawl, "I'll take 50 of them
suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them there shirts at $2.00 each, 50 pairs of them there
trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my pickup and...."

The owner of the shop interrupts, "Ya'll from South Alabama, ain't ya?"

"Well...yeah," says a surprised Bubba...."How come you knowed that?"

"Because this is a dry-cleaners."

[JohnB]

A young boy went up to his father and asked, "Dad, what is the difference
between 'potentially' and realistically'?

The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if
she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.
Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars,
and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.
Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'

So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt
for a million dollars?'

The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to
fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!

The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt
for a million dollars?'

The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in
a heartbeat, are you nuts?'

The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt
for a million dollars?'

'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million Bucks would buy?'

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between 'potentially'
and 'realistically'?"

The boy replied, "Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars.
"But 'realistically', we're just living with two hookers and a queer."

[Pineau]

Another good one JohnB

[JohnB]

Time for a little off topic:

Ever wondered what makes 100%?

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder
about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been
to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about
achieving! 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%



and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while Hard work and
Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the BullshiT
and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.

[JohnB]

 
Priceless

Jack woke up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party.
He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling,
he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes,
and the first thing he saw was a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side
table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sat up and saw his clothing in front
of him, all clean and pressed. He looked around the room and saw that it was in perfect
order, spotlessly clean. So was the rest of the house. He took the aspirins, and cringed
when he saw a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he
noticed a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it
and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:

'Honey, breakfast is on the stove. I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite
dinner tonight. I love you, darling!'

He stumbled to the kitchen and sure enough, there was hot breakfast, steaming hot
coffee and the morning newspaper. His son was also at the table, eating. Jack asked,
'Son.. what happened last night?'

'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee
table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you
ran into the door.'

Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean?
I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me.'

His son replied, 'Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take
your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone you bitch, I'm married!!'

Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing at the right time... PRICELESS

[JohnB]

HER DIARY

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at
a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought
he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we
could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong. He
said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't
upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving.
I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When
we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do
with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem
distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later,
he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love.
But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He
fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts
are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY

My Snowmobile wouldn't start today, but at least I got laid.

[JohnB]

UCLA STUDY (VERY INTERESTING & SHORT)

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the
kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she
is in her menstrual cycle. For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted
to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating,
or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his
mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire..
No further studies are expected.