JUST FOR A LAUGH

[Robertt S]

 

[JohnB]

A group of men live and die for their Saturday morning golf game. One transfers
to another city and they're lost without him.

A new woman joins their Club. When she hears the guys talking about their golf
round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if
I join you next week?"

No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot. Finally, one man says. "Okay,
but we start at 6:30 a.m" He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem, and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay". She's there at 6:30 a.m. sharp, and beats
all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She's fun and pleasant, and
the guys are impressed. They congratulate her and invite her back the next week.
She smiles, and says, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she plays left-handed.
The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite
playing with her off-hand. They're totally amazed. They can't figure her out. She's very
pleasant and a gracious winner. They invite her back again, but each man harbors a
burning desire to beat her.

The third week, she's 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys. This week she plays
right-handed, and narrowly beats all three of them. The men grumble that her late
arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she's so charming and
complimentary of their strong play, they can't hold a grudge.

This woman is a riddle no one can figure out. They have a couple of beers in the
Clubhouse, and finally, one of the men asks her, "How do you decide if you're going
to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

The lady blushes, and grins. "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was
ambidextrous," she replies. "I like to switch back and forth."
"When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude.
From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf
practice, I pull the covers off him. If his Willie points to the right, I golf right-handed;
if it points to the left, I golf left-handed."

The guys think this is hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys
says, "What if it's pointing straight up?" She says, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."

[Robertt S]

A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Washington , DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage.
 Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.
 Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.
 A reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'
 The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.'
 The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page...  So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'
 The biker replies, 'I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican.'
 The journalist leaves.
 The following morning the biker buys the paper to see news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:
 U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH
 That pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days.

[JohnB]

[Robertt S]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.
 He orders a drink and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the place.
 The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.
 The bartender screams at the guy "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
 The guy says "No, what?"
 He just ate the cue ball off my pool table--whole!"
 "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, the little bastard.
 Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
 He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.
 Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him.
 He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
 While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar.
 He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
 The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
 "No, what?" replies the guy.
 "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender. "
 Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.
 "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball,
 HE MEASURES EVERY THING FIRST.

[JohnB]

A lawyer, who had a wife and 12 children, needed to move because his
rental agreement was terminated by the owner who wanted to reoccupy the home.

But he was having a lot of difficulty finding a new house

When he said he had 12 children, no one would rent a home to him because they
felt that the children would destroy the place.

He couldn't say he had no children, because he couldn't lie.. we all know lawyers
cannot and do not lie.

So he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 of their kids.

He took the remaining one with him to see rental homes with the real estate agent.

He loved one of the homes and the price was right. The agent asked, "How many
children do you have ?

He answered, "Twelve."

The agent asked "Where are the others?"

The lawyer, with his best courtroom sad look answered "They're in the cemetery
with their mother."

MORAL: It's not necessary to lie, one only needs to choose the right words.

[JohnB]

A fifteen-year-old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by
almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could
move apart and then slide back together again. 

The boy asked, 'What is this Father?' 
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen
anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.' 

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a
wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened,
and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy
and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. 

They continued to watch until it reached the last number... and then the numbers
began to light in the reverse order. 
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out. 

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son..... 
'Go get your Mother'

[JohnB]

My successful knee surgery 

The surgery went well. My knee x-ray highlighted the problem right away.
One knee didn't have enough cartilage and had to be replaced. 
You can see what they added in the x-ray below. 
Mine must have been a very unusual case because every nurse at the hospital
had to come take a look at the x-rays. They started bringing me extra trays of
food, milk shakes, and boxes of chocolates...... they even left their phone numbers
so I called them back to thank them.
They were all so nice. They wanted to help me at home with my recovery. 
One even said she'd move in until I could get back on my feet. I'm a lucky man. 
Regards,
JohnB

[JohnB]

Older people have problems you haven't even considered yet:

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as
clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my
right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help.
She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the
teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing."

We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit,
and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing.

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

[JohnB]

Pumpkin Pi

[JohnB]

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. 

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney. The auditor said,
'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by
saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

'I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?' The auditor
thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye..'
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney
as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on
one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop
anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this
old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't
make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the
auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands. 'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an
audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk
and that you'd be happy about it!'

[JohnB]

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. Suddenly the horse falls into a mud hole and starts
sinking. He tells the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs
to the farmer, but the farmer can't be found.

So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then
throws the other end of the rope to his friend and drives forward saving the horse from sinking. 

A few days later, the chicken and horse are playing in the meadow again, and the chicken falls into a mud
hole. The chicken tells the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse says: "I think I can
get you out."

So he stretches over the width of the hole and says: "Grab hold of my 'thing' and pull yourself up." The
chicken does this and is pulled to safety. 

Moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.

[JohnB]

[JohnB]

Four Husbands…..

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married
for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to
be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.

"He's a funeral director," she answered. "Interesting," the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what
they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.

After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had
first married a banker when she was in her 20's.
Then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's.
It was a preacher when in her 60's.
And now - in her 80's - a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with
such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained: "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready,
and four to go."

[JohnB]

an old posting..

Good News/Bad News…..

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector phoned his client. He said,
"Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news."

The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day, let's hear the good news first."

The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she
invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million.
I think she could be right."
Saul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've
just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"

The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary!"