JUST FOR A LAUGH

[David5o]

The Facelift

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 47th birthday.
She spends £20,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home she stops at a news-agent to buy a paper.
Before leaving she asks the sales assistant, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32," the clerk replies.
"I'm actually 47," the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the same question. She replies, "I'd guess about 29." he woman replies, "Nope, I am 47!" Now she is feeling really good about herself. While waiting for the bus home, she asks an old man the same question. He replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young,
there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was, but it requires you to let me put my hands down your knickers. Then, I can tell exactly how old you are." They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of the woman and she finally says, "What the hell, go ahead". The old man slips both hands down her knickers and begins to feel around. After several minutes she says, "Okay, how old am I?" He removes his hands slowly and says, "You are 47" Stunned, the woman says, "That is amazing. How do you know?"

The old man replies, "I've always been resourcful man lady, and could always use an opportunity as and when it presented it's self. ....... I was behind you in McDonald's."

[ahkiwi]

When you go to a country, you must learn how to say two things: how to ask for food, and to tell a woman that you love her.

Of these the second is more important, for if you tell a woman you love her she will certainly feed you.

- Louis L'Amour

[David5o]

STUD ROOSTER


A farmer went out one day and bought a brand newstud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,

'OK old fart, Time for you to retire.'
The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle
ALL of these chickens.
Look what it has done to me
Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?'

The young rooster says,
'Beat it: You are washed up
And I am taking over.'
The old rooster says,
'I tell you what, young stud.
I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.'

The young rooster laughs.
'You know you don't stand a chance, old man.
So, just to be fair,
I will give you a head start.'
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him.

They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.

He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast!

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch
When he sees the roosters running by.

The Old Rooster is squawking
And running as hard as he can.
The Farmer grabs his shotgun and
- BOOM -
He blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,


''Dammit......
Third gay rooster I bought this month.''






Moral of this
Story? ....

Don't mess with the OLD FARTS -
Age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery
Always overcome youth and arrogance!
OLD DUDES RULE

[David5o]

Paddy and Murphy

Farmers Paddy and Murphy had just finished ploughing a field, and were both sat in the tractor cab towing the plough behind them. Just as they exited the field through a gate, and were broadside across the narrow country lane, a sports car came round the bend at high speed! Seeing the lane completely blocked, and going too fast to be able to stop, in order to avoid a collision with the hefty tractor and plough, the sports car driver steered through the gateway that Paddy and Murphy had just come out of. The car hit the lines of earth where the plough had been - rolled over 17 times, and burst into flames.
"Bejaysus" said Paddy to Murphy, "we only just got out of that field in time!"


____________________________________________________________________________________



Paddy and Murphy are having a few pints in their local, when Paddy realises he's going to be late home. As he had previously promised his wife that he wouldn't be late, he decided to ring her with an excuse. When he rejoined Murphy in the bar, he said "Bejaysus Murphy, you won't believe what I've just heard! I was phoning the wife when I must have got a crossed line, and I heard someone saying that they're going to assassinate the Pope tomorrow."
"Paddy me boy" says Murphy, "we can make a fortune out of this information. Get yourself into the bookies, and put all of our money on the Pope being murdered tomorrow." Off went Paddy into the nearest bookies, and placed the bet at odds of 1000/1.
The following day, they were both in the pub again just as the lunchtime news came on the radio. A grim sounding newscaster announced the breaking news that the Pope had been shot and killed on the balcony of the Vatican. "We're rich, we're rich!" cried Murphy ...........
"Not yet Murphy" said Paddy, "I've done him as a double with that heathen the Archbishop of Canterbury"

[David5o]

Mobile phones can be expensive!

The mens locker room was full after a busy gym session. A mobile phone was laying on the bench, and started to ring. A guy pushed his way through to the bench to answer it, and a sweet female voice on the other end said "Hi Honey, it's me". "I'm in Knightsbridge, and I've just seen the most fabulous Mercedes. Can I have it if I promise to be nice to you?" "Of course you can my sweet" replied the man, "just put it on my credit card." "Oh thank you" she squealed excitedly. "I've also seen some lovely jewellry in Harrods, but it cost over £20,000 ....... I don't suppose?"
"Anything for you Sweetie" replied the man. "Go ahead and get it, and just put it on my credit card." Now in total ecstacy, she thought she'd try her luck one more time. "There's a great offer on at the travel agents too, with a round the world cruise, travelling first class, for only £50,000. Do you think......." "Go ahead and book it" said the man, "just put it on my credit card." "You won't regret it" purred the soft female voice, "I'm going to be really nice to you when you get home!"
The man ended the call, and replaced the phone on the bench. Addressing all the guys in the locker room, he asked "anyone know whose phone that is?"

[David5o]

Now, .....look what i just found, i'm told this will break-down /fold-down for easy traveling!!!
So any long bus rides in China guys, ....NO problem!!,
Rented an apartment with a squat Loo, ...NO problem!!

[David5o]

______________________________________________________________________________________








SENIOR MOMENTS

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, its Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful.'"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly , "Crushed nuts?"
" No," he replied, "arthritis

[David5o]

This One Tickled Me!!!

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit.

We went onto the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.(that's a new phrase to me and I like it!) I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn’t even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said "That's fine, honey."

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don’t feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"

I then said "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just

love me for
who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

[David5o]

Cheap Parking


A woman goes into a bank in New York and asked about a loan for $ 50,000. The bank clerk tells her what the interest rate is and she accepts.

She then asks if she can leave her car in the bank's car park, as she needs to use the money to sign a business deal in Europe. The car is a Rolls Royce. The bank manager, because of the business she has just done,  says yes.

A month later she returns and pays the loan in full and the interst comes to just $ 50.00. The bank manager, after accepting her money says
" we did some checks on you and you are loaded, we didnt understand why you needed to loan the $ 50,000 and then pay it back with just a $ 50.00 interest payment.

" where else can I park my Rolls Royce for a month in New York, ...for just $ 50.00 " she said



________________________________________________________________________________________





The Deaf Genie.

a guy walks into an empty pub,to find a sad looking bartender wiping some glasses. ''what can i get you sir?''
-"howdy partner..i think i'll have me a scotch on the rocks'' says the guy.
-as the guy sips his drink the bartender asks ''you wanna see something interesting'' and immediately pulls out a small piano from under the bar and then, to the guys suprise,pulls out a small man not much taller than than a pint glass who then straight away pulls out a mini seat from under the mini piano and starts playing some of the most beautiful music the guy has ever heard."I don't believe it'' says the guy.
the barman still looking sad pulls out a lamp-"there's a genie in there'' he says ''Go on,give it a rub''
''You having a laugh?'' says the customer but rubs it anyway and to his amazement a genie does come out.''Well,go on,speak up, what do you want,whats your wish..i dont have all day you know''demands the genie.
the guy-in totall shock- ''i.. er..mm..i wanna million bucks!'' he says then suddenly realises that he could of asked for a lot more.
''what?..er..ok your wish is my command'' says the genie as he disappears into the lamp.
''Was that a joke?'' asks the guy as all of a sudden loads of ducks come crashing in from the windows and ceiling and next thing you know there's about a million ducks in the bar.All going crazy around the american tourist.
-''there you go sir''said the barman''a million ducks''
the guy-fighting off the ducks-''i didn't ask for a million ducks.I asked for a million bucks.''
the barman bows his head,looks him the eye and says ''Do you honestly believe that i wished for a 12 inch pianist''.

[David5o]

The Sperm Race


Once upon a time in a place where little sperms grow, there was a super jock sperm Stanley who spent all his time working out. He did things like lifting weights and running, etc. All the other sperm were very curious about his pastimes.

"Why do you keep working out all the time,Stanley" they asked.

"Well," he said, "Of all us sperms, only one of us is going to make it to the egg. And that is going to be me." Well, the other sperms just floated around waiting for the day to cum (pardon the expression). And it did, and they were off! All those sperms racing along and far out in front of them was Stanley, racing so fast and so hard (ha HA ) that they couldn't see him any more, but they still kept cumming.
Alas, then, away in the distance, they heard a loud piercing scream. They still kept cumming though.
And then very shortly Stanley appeared, screaming with all his might, "Go back, Go Back! IT'S A BLOW JOB!"

[Sylvain D]

LOL
I like this one ^^'

[David5o]

Wailing Wall


In Jerusalem, a female journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who
had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for
a long, long time; so she went to check it out.


She went to the Wailing Wall and there he was. She watched him pray;
and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, she approached him
for an interview.

"I'm Rebecca Smith from the BBC. Sir, how long have you been coming to
the wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews, and the Muslims. I pray
for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in
safety and friendship."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a fu***ng brick wall Miss."

[Sylvain D]

It's also funny to read it, and to read just below, your signature
For a coke...
I try to translate as well one joke I really like (french one)

A pirate enters a bar, accompanied by his faithful parrot.
Being thirty at the top, he exclaims:
"Bartender, a whiskey please! Immediately!"
The parrot looks at the bartender and says, "and a coke!"
The pirate looks his parrot, staring it and says, "Shut up!"
The parrot, fearful of the pirate, doesn't dare looking in the pirate's eyes and lowers his head.
The bartender serves whiskey for the pirate, the coca to the parrot and goes back to take care of other customers.
The pirate empties his glass of a sudden one, looks around, while his parrot finally sipps his coke.
"Bartender! Another whiskey, immediately!"
and the parrot continued: "and a coke!"
The pirate stares again his parrot, quite upset, and says again:
"Shut up or you will regret it!"
The parrot is silent immediately, sheepishly, while the bartender serves the second pirate whiskey and coca to the parrot.
The pirate, pretty nervous, simulates to drink his whiskey, stares the parrot, who dares say nothing.
He begins to empty his glass of a sudden one, and his parrot its coke without flinching.
He then pretends to order a whiskey, but the parrot still says nothing, it does not even look at his master.
The pirate talks loudly again: "and whiskey, bartender, right ...."
The parrot then says : "and a cokeeeee, pleaseeeeee".
The pirate gets up at once, grabs the parrot feathers, heads to a table, takes 2 knives, and then goes to one of the walls of the bar, extends the wings of a parrot, plants a knife in each of those. This done, he then says to his parrot:
"I warned you !!!  That's what it costs to play with me and making me angryyyyyyyyyy!"
And on this, the pirate leaves, slamming the door behind the bar, leaving the parrot, alone, attached to the wall.
Nobody supports him, not even the bartender.
Then the parrot, sad, looks about him ... but nobody wants to return to face the pirate.
Then he sees Jesus on his cross, not far from him.
It looks, always sad, and he then asks Jesus :
"Did you too want some coke?"

[David5o]

Marriage is a life sentence!

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in
their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring sensitive.

"Yes I do" she replied. The husband paused. The words were not coming easily.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"
"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continued.

"Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to jail for 20 years?"
"I remember that too" she replied softly. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said... "I would have gotten out today!"

[David5o]

Two Sperms

Two ejaculated sperms were swimming along side by side

One said to the other

How much further is our destination

The other said

Along way yet we are just passing her Tonsills ______________________________________________________________________________________






A Good Irish Joke  (Paddy & Murphy)

Murphy calls round to see his friend, Paddy, who's housebound with a broken leg.
Paddy says, "Me feet are feckin freezin. Could you nip upstairs and fetch me slippers ?".
"No bother mate", says Murphy and runs upstairs, where he sees Paddy's stunning, 19 year old twin daughters sitting on their beds.
"Hello, girls. Yer pa sent me up to shag you both".
"Feck off, you liar" say the girls.
Murphy says, "I'll prove it to you, and shouts down the stairs,

"Both of them, Paddy ?."



"Of course !. What's the use of just f#cking one !.".