JUST FOR A LAUGH

[David5o]

Arsenal Fans

This is true story from an Arsenal football club season-ticket holder


His season-ticket last year was an absolute plum seat half way up the Highbury main stand close to the half-way line. In other words, a TV camera style view.
Anyway, after the first few games of the season it became apparent that despite all the home games being sell-outs, the two seats on his left were always empty. This continued until just after Christmas when all of a sudden a guy and his young son appeared there.
After a few weeks of sitting next to this guy and his son, he decided to ask if the guy knew why the seats had been empty for half the season.
The response is legendary:

Yeah don't even go there mate. The wife bought my son and me a season ticket but decided it would be a nice idea to give us them for Christmas.

I was f***in' raging!'

[David5o]

9 Months Later


Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.
so they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'
'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.'
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he
had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'
'Yes, I do.' Said Bob.
'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'
'Well, um, yes!,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'
'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything.'


(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?... you know you smiled...

[David5o]

Friends

 Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When
you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are
mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"

The first friend said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful
husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

The Second friend commented: "I would like them to say I was a
wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference
in people's lives."


The Third friend said: "I'd like them to say,  ......."Look, he's moving!"

[David5o]

Sipping Vodka


A new priest was so nervous at his first mass he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”

So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy Junior and the spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.

10) We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.”

11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, “take this and eat it, for it is my body.” He did not say “Eat me”.

12) The Virgin Mary is not called “Mary with the Cherry”.

13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

To all those very religious people in the forum sorry if its a bit blasphemous but I thought it was funny

[Vince G]

Hell David, you should have put this in the religious trend. :icon_cheesygrin:

[David5o]

Vince,

Hmmmmm , ....I don't think some would have appreciated it too much   haha!!

David....

[David5o]

Will You Marry Me?

The President of Chase Manhattan Bank decides he should take a vacation/business trip. Since the president has heard how much fun Taipei is, he decides to visit the offices there. He books two tickets, one for him and one for his secretary.

After his arrival in Taipei, the president receives an urgent message from headquarters that the richest man in Taiwan wants to put all his money into a Chase Manhattan account. Since the account would be quite substantial, the president decides to meet personally with the man.

The next day, the president and his secretary go to meet the Taiwanese at an exclusive restaurant. Throughout the dinner, the president tries to bring up the subject of opening the new account but the prospective client only seems interested in the president's secretary.

After dinner, the businessman asks the secretary to spend the rest of the evening seeing the sights in Taipei with him. Not wishing to offend the prospective client, the president orders his secretary to go ahead but tells her that she must be diplomatic and under no circumstances is she to insult the man by rejecting him outright.

After going to a dance club for a few hours, the businessman takes the secretary aside. As he holds her hand and looks her straight into her eyes, he tells her that he loves her. Then, he gets on his knees and asks her to marry him.

Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her: Don't reject the guy outright. So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her.

After a few minutes, the woman says, "I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a seventy-five carat diamond ring, with a matching two hundred carat diamond tiara."

The Taiwanese man pauses for awhile then, with a nod of his head, answers, "No problem! I buy. I buy."

Realizing that her first condition was too easy, the woman says, "My second condition is a one hundred-room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the Gironde in France."

The man pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone, calls some brokers in New York, then he calls some real estate agents in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, "Okay, okay. I build, I build."

Realizing that she has one last condition, the secretary knows that she'd better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally, she gets an idea. A sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, "Since I like to have sex, I want the man I marry to have a ten-inch penis."

The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face in his hands and rests his elbows on the table. All the while, he's muttering something in Chinese.

Finally, after what seemed like forever, the man shakes his head, looking real sad, says to the woman,
"OK. I cut. I cut, ....I cut"

[David5o]

Three Farmers, a pig and a monkey


There were these three farmers that wanted to win the state fair contest for having the largest hog. They decide that they should stick a cork in the pigs ass and feed him for a month before the fair. The only problem was that none of them wanted to be the one to stick the cork in. So they bought a monkey and trained him to stick corks in bottles. After a week or two of this, they stick the monkey in the pen with the pig and a cork, and after a minute, the monkey did what he was supposed to do. The farmers fed the pig for a month and sure enough, they won first prize. Once they got home, they realized they still had to take the cork out. So they trained this same monkey to take corks out of bottles. They stuck the monkey in the pen with the pig, and the farmers woke up three days later in the hospital with a reporter sitting next to them. The reporter asked the first farmer, "What is the last thing you remember?" "Shit flying everywhere," the farmer replied. The reporter asked the second farmer the same question, he replied, ''shit, ...shit everywhere, ...everywhere you looked it was covered in shit!!   When she got to the third farmer and asked him what he could remember, he started crying. The reporter asked, "What's the matter?" The farmer replied, "The last thing I remember is the look on the poor monkey's face as he tried to stick the bloody cork back in."

[David5o]

Men are so gullible


A father entered his daughter's bedroom and saw a letter on the bed.
With the worst premonition, he read it with trembling hands.

Dear Mum and Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I've
eloped with my new boyfriend. I've found real love and he is so nice,
especially with all his piercings, scars, tattoos and, of course, his great, big
motorcycle. But it's not only that, I'm pregnant, and Ahmed said that
we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have many
more children with me and that's one of my dreams. I've learned that
marijuana doesn't hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and his friends.
They're the ones providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasy we could ever> want.

In the meantime, we'll pray for science to find the AIDS cure, so
Ahmed gets better. He deserves it. Don't worry about money. Ahmed has
arranged for me to be in films that his friends Leroy and Jamal make in their
basement. Apparently I can earn £50 a scene. I get a £50 bonus if there are more than three men in the scene, and an extra £100 if they use the horse.

Don't worry Mum. Now I'm 15 years old, I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'll visit you and Dad so that you can meet your grandchildren.

Your loving daughter,> >
Aimee

P.S.

Dad, it's not true. I'm watching TV at a neighbour's house. I just wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than
ENGLAND LOSING ON PENALTIES AGAIN!!

[David5o]

Retired People

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went into town and went into a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes, when I came out there was a Cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a s---head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally, I didn't care.
I came into town by bus. I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important at my age.

[David5o]

Tea For Real Men?

[David5o]

Speaking Out Against The Dangers Of Drugs!!


Two young guys are picked up by the cops for smoking dope – they appear in court on Friday. The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court on Monday."

On Monday, the two guys are back in court. The judge says to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, Your Honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."

"Seventeen people? That's wonderful! What did you tell them?"

"I used a diagram, your Honor. I drew two circles like this - O o - and told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable!" the judge says. He turns to the second guy. "And you, how did you do?"

"Well, your Honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"One-hundred fifty six people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?"

"Well, I used a similar approach. I drew two circles - o O - and said, pointing to the small circle, "This is your rectum before prison..." and then pointing out what the big circle meant once you are in prison

[David5o]

The Summer BBQ


After the long months of cold and winter, we will soon be coming up to summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking as it's the only type of cooking a real man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events
are put into motion:

1) The woman buys the food.
2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.

7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

8. The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces and brings them to the table.
9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women....


I get the distinct impression this was writen by a woman....

[David E]

At the local Town Hall , an open night was organised by a group dabbling in the supernatural and was widely attended by people from the local community.

The Session Leader explained that they were going to examine the views and eperiences from the audience about ghosts.

She asked all that had HEARD a ghost to put up their hands...about 90% of the people put up their hands

She then asked all that had SEEN a ghost to put up their hands...about 40% of the people put up their hands

She then asked all that had SPOKEN with a ghost to put up their hands.....6 people responded

She then asked all that had KISSED a ghost tp put up their hands....3 people responded

She then asked all who had SCREWED a ghost to put up their hands...only one small, wiry and very old Man right in the back put up his hand......

The Leader than asked this Man to come forward and address the audience...she said that it was a very rare thing that he had accomplished.

So,,,she said, what is your name...Fred Smith, he replied.

She then asked him, to get to the microphone and explain to all, the story of how he had SCREWED a ghost

The little old man looked a bit confused and said

GHOST Geeeez...I thought you said GOAT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[David5o]

The Drunk....



A man and his wife are awakened, at 3 o'clock in the morning by
a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the
door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!
He slams the door and returns to bed.

Who was that?" asked his wife.
Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
Did you help him? She asks
No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you
remember, about three months ago when we broke down, and
those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.


He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes" comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?", calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband

"Over here on your great swing!", replies the drunk.