JUST FOR A LAUGH

[David5o]

Can You Believe This Guy's Luck.


CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?




This guy wins $120 million in the lottery on Wednesday,
and then finds the love of his life just 2 days later!
Talk about LUCK!!!

[ahkiwi]

Can You Believe This Guy's Luck.


CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?




This guy wins $120 million in the lottery on Wednesday,
and then finds the love of his life just 2 days later!
Talk about LUCK!!!

hahahaha

[David5o]

Real Redneck Vacations

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther,"Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different.
The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii . I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas,and Earlene got pregnant again.
Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again."
Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earlene with me.




So what do ya reckon??..... Was it Luther keeping Earlene happy while Bob was off enjoying himself ??

[David5o]

LEAVING THE OFFICE EARLY

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss.
Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day the
girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her.
After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her lady boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them. "No way," the blonde exclaimed.

"I almost got caught yesterday."

[David5o]

The Shepherd & The City Slicker


A shepherd is herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a
brand-new BMW roars towards him. The driver, a young man in a Hugo Boss suit, Gucci shoes, and Ray Bans, leans out and asks the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?". The shepherd looks at the city slicker, then at his field full of grazing sheep and calmly answers, "Sure."

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his notebook and connects it to a
cell phone, then surfs to the NASA website, where he calls up a GPS
satellite navigation system, scans the area, and then opens up a
database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sends an
email on his Blackberry and after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized
printer, turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep."

"That is correct; take one of the sheep." said the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car.

Then the shepherd says: "If I can tell you exactly what your business
is, will you give me back my sheep?". "OK, why not?" answers the young
man. "Clearly, you are a management consultant" says the shepherd.
"That's correct" says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answers the shepherd.

''You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know crap about my business.
 .........................Now give me back my dog."

[rockycoon]

Can You Believe This Guy's Luck.


CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?




This guy wins $120 million in the lottery on Wednesday,
and then finds the love of his life just 2 days later!
Talk about LUCK!!!

hahahaha

She carries a shovel for digging in her purse...but money can by happiness![/size][/color]A guy walks into confession, and tell's the priest, father I just stole an entire load of lumber.
The priest thinks about this for a while, then say's.  My son, have you ever done a novenia?
The guy replies, no father, but if you have the plans, I've got the lumber.lol  lolWANTED --- Small beautiful chinese lady, must be as strong as Jethro, be able to clean horse stall's, feed chickens, have a large bank account, own a nice fishing boat, be able to bait a hook, must be familar with pop top beer cans and be able to open at a moment's notice, Cleaning and cooking fish is also a must. Must like sex in all enviroments also at a moments notice.  Be able to wax a pickup truck, and keep the house and barn clean at all times. Please send picture of fishing boat...:fi_lone_ranger:

[David E]

The Shepherd & The City Slicker


A shepherd is herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a
brand-new BMW roars towards him. The driver, a young man in a Hugo Boss suit, Gucci shoes, and Ray Bans, leans out and asks the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?". The shepherd looks at the city slicker, then at his field full of grazing sheep and calmly answers, "Sure."

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his notebook and connects it to a
cell phone, then surfs to the NASA website, where he calls up a GPS
satellite navigation system, scans the area, and then opens up a
database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sends an
email on his Blackberry and after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized
printer, turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep."

"That is correct; take one of the sheep." said the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car.

Then the shepherd says: "If I can tell you exactly what your business
is, will you give me back my sheep?". "OK, why not?" answers the young
man. "Clearly, you are a management consultant" says the shepherd.
"That's correct" says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answers the shepherd.

''You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know crap about my business.
 .........................Now give me back my dog."

Did you know that you are not allowed to insult people here...I was told it on good authority
Best wishes...DavidE (Management Consultant )

[David5o]

Bar joke
A guy has to take a crap really bad so he goes into a bar he thinks the bathroom is upstairs so he goes upstairs he can't find the bathroom anywhere but he finds a hole in the floor so he takes a crap in it. After that he goes downstairs and theirs no one down there so he asks the bartender were everyone is and he says "Where the hell were you when shit hit the fan?"



Lawyers
Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.


Best Friends.
Friendship Between Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband
that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house.
The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything
about it.

Friendship Between Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he
had slept over at a buddy's house. The woman called her husband's 10
best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two
claimed that he was still there.



A Real Cowboy!!!!
An old cowboy went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding horses, mending fences, and branding cattle so I guess I am."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women."

A little while later, a couple sat down next to the old cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, " Hell, ...i always thought I was, ...but God dam it, I just found out I'm a lesbian."




The Priest...
The head priest at a certain church was out for the day, so he asked the deacon to do confession for him. The deacon agrees, and the first person that comes says, "Forgive me, for I just gave a guy a blow job." He says, "You have sinned."

Then he looks at the sheet on the wall that had punishments for certain sins on it, but blow job was not on there, so he went out to ask one of the altar boys what he usually gives for a blow job. The altar boy answered, "Oh, he gives around five dollars."

[David E]

Living proof that dog is Man's best friend.......

Lock your wife and your dog in the trunk of your car for 30 minutes...and check which one is pleased to see you when you open it !!

[David5o]

Which One Is Married?

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.

"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?"

"None." replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away."

"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like the way you are thinking."

Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third one sucking her cone, which one is married?"

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?"

"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger. But I like the way you are thinking."

[David5o]

Four Catholic Women


Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.

The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, ', 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence'.

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women giver her this subtle "Well...?"

She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2" hard-bodied, well-hung, male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, women just say,     "Oh My ..God...."

[David5o]

Size Matters....


A vicar heard from one of his parishioners that one of his three daughters had become 'A lady of the night'.
The vicar was of course disgusted with this information and when he returned home he called in his eldest daughter.
He removed his trousers,put his old man on the table and said to his daughter,"What is that?".
She replied "It's a prick Daddy".
The vicar went red with rage,he ordered his daughter out of their home telling her never to return.
He then called in his second daughter and did the same,and asked the same question to which she also replied "It's a prick Daddy".
Again the vicar ordered his daughter from their home telling her never to return.
He then called in his youngest daughter and again removed his trousers and asked the question,she looked carefully and said "Daddy that is where you wee wee from".
"Thank God" Said the vicar" At least one of my daughters is pure".Turning to the girl he said" I showed your two sisters this and they said it was a prick"
The girl again looked at her father and said "Eh! ...You Call that a prick ..huh"!!!!!!

[David5o]

Larnaca Shopping Centre scam - BEWARE (Cyprus)

I am writing to you to warn you of something that happened to me as I am a victim of the latest scam at a mall while shopping. This happened to me at Orphanides Shopping Centre, Larnaca and it could happen to you. Here's how the scam works.

Two really good looking 20ish year old women come to your car as you are leaving the car park, while you are placing your shopping on the floor of the front seat. One starts wiping your windscreen with a sponge and squeegee while the other comes to your window saying "Hi", while bending over with her breasts almost coming out of her blouse. It will be impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" but beg you for a ride to Chris Cash & Carry. You agree and ask them to sit in the back seat.

On the way, they start passionately kissing each other in the back seat. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs a sex act on you. Whilst you are distracted, the other one steals your wallet!

I was assaulted last Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday, but I couldn't find them Saturday or Sunday - and still have the extra three wallets I bought.

Please be careful and watch out for these scammers............. !

[David5o]

The very first ever Blonde GUY joke!?

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work

on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch

and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and

cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I

get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blond opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again!

If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and

cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his

death as well.



At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd

known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never

would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos

or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.

Wait for it .....It's really worth it .....

.
.
.
.
.
.
.

The blonde's wife said, "Don't you look at me. ....He always made his own lunch."

[David5o]

Three Minute Management Lesson

Lesson One
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"

The eagle answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, high up.
____________________________________

Lesson Two
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull."They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and
found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second
branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of
the tree.

Management Lesson
Bull shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
___________________________________

Lesson Three
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Management Lesson -
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

This ends your three minute management course