JUST FOR A LAUGH

[David5o]

Before Computers

Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity

A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider's home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account

A hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

And if you had a 3 inch floppy . ...
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. . . you just hoped nobody ever found out!



______________________________________________________________________________________



French Customs / Passport Control



The old American gentleman arrived in Paris by plane
and at French customs and fumbled for his passport.

"You have been to France before monsieur?" the customs
officer asked sarcastically.

The old gent admitted that he had been to France
before.

"Then you should know enough to have your passport
ready for inspection," snapped the irate official.

The American said, "The last time I came to France I
did not have to show my passport."

"Impossible, old man. You Americans always have to
show your passports on arrival in France!"

The old American gave the Frenchman a long hard look.
Then, with the feel of acid on his words, calmly stated,
"I assure you,..young man, that when I came ashore on Omaha
Beach in Normandy on D- day in 1944, there were no *&%$# Frenchmen anywhere on that beach."

[David5o]

THE DIRTY MIND TEST....

(I wonder who will pass!!!!!)

1. What is a four letter word that ends in K and means the same as intercourse?
2. What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has only two of?
3. What can you find in a man’s pants that is about six inches long, has a head on it, and that women love so much, they often blow it?
4. What word starts with F and ends with UCK?
5. Name five words that are each four letters long, ends in UNT. One of which is a word for a woman?
6. What does a dog do that you can step into?
7. What four letter word begins with F and ends with K, and if you can’t get one you can use your hands?
8. What is hard, six inches long, has two nuts, and can make a girl fat?
9. What four letter word ends it IT and is found on the bottom of birdcages?
10. What is it that all men have one of, is longer on some men, the pope doesn’t use his, and a man gives to his wife after they are married?


Well guess I know what you were all thinking……. The answers are:
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1.TALK
2.LEGS
3.A £10 NOTE
4.FIRETRUCK
5. BUNT, HUNT, RUNT, PUNT, AUNT.
6. PANTS
7. FORK
8. A SNICKERS BAR
9. GRIT
10. THEIR SURNAME.

[David5o]

An Irish Toast

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." Mary said: "Oh that is very nice indeed, John!"

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize, the other night, with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised me self! You know, he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

[David5o]

Indian Names


A little Indian boy asked his father, the big chief and witch doctor
of the tribe, "Papa, why is it that we always have long names, while
the white men have shorter names - Bill, Tex or Sam, for example?"

His father replied, "Look, son, our names represent a symbol, a sign,
or a poem for our culture not like the white men, who live all
together and repeat their names from generation to generation.

Also, it is part of our makeup that in spite of everything, we
survive.

For example, your sister's name is Small Romantic Moon Over The Lake,
because on the night she was born, there was a beautiful moon
reflected in the lake.


Then there's your brother, Big White Horse of the Prairies, because he
was born on a day that the big white horse who gallops over the
prairies of the world appeared near our camp and is a symbol of our
capacity to live and the life force of our people.

It's very simple and easy to understand. Do you have any other
questions, Little ''Broken Condom Made in China''?

[Frans B]

GOOD MORNING GIRLS the blind man said
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. when he walked past the fish shop.

[Vince G]

I might make this my new signature?

[attachment=544]

Catfucius says
Handle every stressful situation like a dog. 
If you can't eat it or play with it, Just pee on it and walk away. 

[David5o]

Victoria's Secret


A husband walks into the Victoria's Secret shop to purchase some sheer lingerie for his wife.

He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price. He opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him from the balcony. Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on but I'll do the modelling naked, return it tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself."

So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think that for $500, they'd at least iron it!"
He never heard the shot.

Funeral will be on Thursday

[David5o]

The Happy Gorilla!!

It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a man and his wife
are spending the day at the zoo. She's wearing a cute,
loose-fitting, pink spring
dress, sleeveless with straps. He's wearing his normal
jeans and a T-shirt.

The zoo is not very busy this morning.As they walk through
the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy
gorilla. Noticing the woman, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps
up on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he
grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is
obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny.
He suggests that his wife teases the poor fellow some more.
The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom
at him, and play along.

She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making
noises that would wake the dead.

Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps
fall to show a little more skin.

She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars down.

"Now try lifting your dress up your thighs and sort of fan
it at him." he says. This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy
and now he's doing flips.

Then the husband nabs his wife by the hair, rips open the
door to the cage, slings her into the cage with the gorilla
and slams the cage door shut. "Now, tell ...''HIM''  that you have a
Headache!!!! . . . "

[David5o]

Are You Deaf?

A man visits his doctor to ask for help with his wife.

“Doctor” he says, “I think my wife is going deaf but she will not come to see you about it. Every time I try to talk to her about it, she just goes all quite”.

“Well” says the Doctor, “I can always come to your house to see her but I would like you to do something for me first so that I can assess how deaf she is. When you go home tonight, I want you to enter the house very quietly and find the room that you wife is in. I want you to stand by the door of the room and say, in a normal voice, “what’s for dinner tonight darling”, and see if she responds. If she doesn’t, take a step into the room and say it again. If she still does not respond, do it again, and so on. When she does respond, I want you to make a note of the distance you were standing from her so that you can tell me tomorrow night.

The man thanks the doctor and goes home.

He enters the house quietly and can hear his wife in the kitchen. He finally stands by the kitchen door and sees his wife washing the dishes with her back to him. He grabs his chance and asks “What’s for dinner tonight darling”.

Nothing!!

He takes a step into the room and asks again!

Nothing!!

One more step and he says again “What’s for dinner tonight darling”.

His wife spins around very fast and shouts out to his face, “For God's sake, ...I’ve told you three times now you deaf old bugger”

[David5o]

SPAGHETTI (Get's A Whole New Meaning!!)


A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she
told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the
nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby
there.
"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.
He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the
back. I'll take care of expenses."
Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and
flew to Italy.
Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at
the office and said "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the
mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."
The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you."
Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to
the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.
So the wife picked up the card and read, "Spaghetti, spaghetti,
spaghetti, spaghetti; two with meatballs, two without."

[David5o]

Christian Hanky Panky


The youngest and prettiest novice in the convent went to the Mother Superior and said, "Holy Mother, I have sinned, I have tasted the pleasures of the flesh."

"My poor child, how did this happen?"

"I was at my prie-dieu in my cell, when I heard the door open. I turned and saw it was Father O'Brien. He said to me, "You have the gateway to Heaven between your legs." I gasped, but he went on, "I have the key to Heaven to open the gateway.", which he proceeded to do."

"THE BASTARD!" responded the Mother Superior, "He always told me it was Gabriel's trumpet and I've been blowing that trumpet  for years!"

[David5o]

Italians

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly.
"In this Country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives...... "
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

[David5o]

CEO and Compensation...

A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO.
This new boss is determined to rid the company of all it's slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is
full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business! The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I
make $300.00 a week. Why?" The CEO then hands the guy $1,200 in cash and screams, "Here's four weeks pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around
the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did
here?"
With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery
 from Domino's. across the road , were on our lunch break....
_____________________________________________________________________________




NO Speak English

 
 
A Chinese woman married a Canadian guy and they lived happily ever after in Toronto. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.  

 One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to  put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked like a chicken and  lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.  

 Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her  breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.

 On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...

 
(Please scroll  down.)

 











What were you  
thinking?

dum dum,.,,,,,,Her husband speaks English   ...Remember??!!!!

 
I worry about you sometimes!!!

[David5o]

Our English Language!!

Oh what a tangled language English is
And how easy it is to misconstrue…


A man takes a lady out to dinner for the first time. Later they go on to a show. The evening is a huge success and as he drops her at her door he says 'I have had a lovely time. You looked so beautiful, you remind me of a beautiful rambling rose. May I call on you tomorrow?'


She agrees and a date is made. The next night he knocks on her door and when she opens it she slaps him hard across the face. He is stunned.


'What was that for?' he asked.

She said'I looked up rambling rose in the encyclopaedia last night and it said 'Not well suited to bedding but is excellent for rooting up against a garden wall'

Must Have Been Another One Of Those Blonde's Birds....

[Vince G]

TWO-LINE POEMS WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE,
AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:

1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
    Marrying you has screwed up my life.
   
2. I see your face when I'm dreaming.
    That's why I always wake up screaming.
 
3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
    This describes everything you're not.
 
4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss;
    But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.
 
5. I thought that I could love no other,
    ---that is until I met your brother.
 
6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet & so are you.
    But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's
    empty...and so is your head.
 
7. I want to feel your sweet embrace:
    But don't take the paper bag off of your face.
 
8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes.
    Damn, I'm good at telling lies.
 
9. My feelings for you no words can tell,
    Except for maybe, "Go to hell".
 
10.What inspired this amorous rhyme?
     Two parts vodka, one part lime.
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The Blonde & The Heart Attack


A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed, sweating and panting ....
'What's up?' she asks.

'I think I'm having a heart attack,' cries the husband ....

The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialling, her 4-year-old son comes up and says,

'Mommy! Mommy! Aunty Shirley is hiding in your wardrobe and she's got no clothes on!'

The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom, right past her husband, rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor.

'You rotten 'Bitch', she screams.

'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked playing hide and seek with the kids!!'