JUST FOR A LAUGH

[Buzz]

In keeping with the current theme!!

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week.(This is one pretty sharp boss!) When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt-out staff! the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans.
The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products,that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.
 
About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone! The top 10 were:
 
10.   Viagra, Whaazzzz up!
 
9.   Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.
 
8.   Viagra, like a rock !
 ;
7.   Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
 
6    Viagra, Be all that you can be.
 
5.   Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
 
4.   Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
 
3.   Viagra, Home of the whopper!
 
2.   Viagra, We bring good things to Life!
 
And the unanimous number one slogan:




 
1.   This is your peepee. This is your peepee on drugs.

[David5o]

The New Medical Alphabet!

New Alphabet
A is for apple, and B is for boat,
That used to be right, but now it won't float!
Age before beauty is what we once said,
But let's be a bit more realistic instead.

Now

A's for arthritis;
B's the bad back,
C's the chest pains, perhaps car-d-iac?

D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.

H .. high blood pressure--I'd rather it low;
I .. for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.

L 's for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, bones that don't grow!

P for prescriptions, I have quite a few,
just give me a pill and I'll be good as new!
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.

S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T is for Tinnitus; bells in my ears!
U is for urinary; troubles with flow;
V for vertigo, that's 'dizzy,' you know.

W for worry, NOW what's going 'round?
X is for X ray, and what might be found.
Y for another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest I still have-- in my mind.

I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed, and
I'm keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed!!!

[David5o]

How Smart is Your Right Foot?

This is so funny that it will boggle your mind. And you will keep trying at least 50 more times to see if you can outsmart your foot, but you can't.

1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and
make clockwise circles.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your
right hand.

Your foot will change direction.
I told you so .....And there's nothing you can do about it



_________________________________________________



I HOPE I m not pushing the envelope here.

Blondes and Biology


In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young female (FRESHMAN) raised her hand and asked, "If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar in male semen?"

"That's correct", responded the professor, going on to add statistical info.

Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"

After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class.... and never returned.

However, as she was going out the door, the Professor's reply was classic....

Totally straight-faced he answered her question, "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat."

[David5o]

Steady Hand Required....

O.k. Guy's.....
Try this puzzle, its four levels of Maze's, and its harder than you think!!!!!.


http://www.winterrowd.com/maze.swf

Tip: Have your sound up, sound effects help you a bit. Good luck.
       It's the last level that foils you!!!

[David5o]

Money Exchange!!

 had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to
exchange so I went to the currency exchange window
at the local bank...

Short line....just one guy in front of me...He was
an Asian guy who was trying to exchange yen for
dollars and he was a little agitated...

He asked the teller, "Why it change, yestowday I
get two hunat dolla fo yen - today I get hunat eighty?"

The teller says - "Fluctuations".

The Asian guy walking away angrily, ....says, "Fluc you white guys too!"

[Vince G]

David your repeating jokes. Money exchange joke was a woman before. Same joke.

[David5o]

An Arab and a Jewish Genie!!


An Arab has spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of water. It gets so bad that his camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls is out of the sand, and discovers that he has a Manischevitz wine bottle. It appears that there may be a drop or two left in the bottle, so he unscrews the top and out pops a genie.

But this is no ordinary genie. This genie appears to be a Chasidic rabbi, complete with black alpaca coat, black hat, side curls, etc.

"Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes."

"I'm not going to trust you," says the Arab. "I'm not going to trust a Jewish genie!"

"What do you have to lose? It looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The Arab thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.

"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."

***POOF***

The Arab finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And

he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK, kid, what's your second wish?"

"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."

***POOF***

The Arab finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says: "I wish I were white and surrounded by beautiful women."

***POOF***

The Arab is turned into a Tampon.

The moral of the story is:

If you do business with a Jewish genie, there's always going to be a string attached somewhere.





Vince...

Sorry, it must of just slipped past me!!...haha!!

The truth is, i've posted so many, i can't remember now the ones i have, and haven't posted.....


David...

[Scottish_Rob]

Money Exchange!!

 had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to
exchange so I went to the currency exchange window
at the local bank...

Short line....just one guy in front of me...He was
an Asian guy who was trying to exchange yen for
dollars and he was a little agitated...

He asked the teller, "Why it change, yestowday I
get two hunat dolla fo yen - today I get hunat eighty?"

The teller says - "Fluctuations".

The Asian guy walking away angrily, ....says, "Fluc you white guys too!"

ROFLMAO....hahahahahahahahaha
VERY GOOD MATE....Really thought that one was your best....hahahahaha

[Chong]

Just got this in an email ...

                               If a person has sex with a prostitute
against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?

------------------------------------------------

                               Can you cry under water?

------------------------------------------------

                               How important does a person have to be
before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

------------------------------------------------

                               Why do you have to "put your two cents
in"... But it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra
penny going to?

------------------------------------------------

                               Once you're in heaven, do you get
stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

------------------------------------------------

                               Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

------------------------------------------------

                               What disease did cured ham actually have?

------------------------------------------------

                               How is it that we put man on the moon
before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on
luggage?

------------------------------------------------

                               Why is it that people say they "slept
like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

------------------------------------------------

                               If a deaf person has to go to court,
is it still called a hearing?

------------------------------------------------
                               Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

------------------------------------------------

                               Why do people pay to go up tall
buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the
ground?

------------------------------------------------

                               Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
                               They're going to see you naked anyway.

------------------------------------------------

                               Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

------------------------------------------------

                               Why do toasters always have a setting
that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being
would eat?

------------------------------------------------

                               If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares,
why is there a stupid song about him?

------------------------------------------------

                               Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive
in the carpool lane ?

------------------------------------------------

                               If the professor onGilligan's Island
can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

------------------------------------------------

                               Why does Goofy stand erect
whilePlutoremains on all fours?
                               They're both dogs!

------------------------------------------------

                               If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to
buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

------------------------------------------------

                               If corn oil is made from corn, and
vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

------------------------------------------------

                               If electricity comes from electrons,
does morality come from morons?

------------------------------------------------

                               Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle,
Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

------------------------------------------------

                               Why did you just try singing the two
songs above?

------------------------------------------------

                               Why do they call it an asteroid when
it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in
your butt?

------------------------------------------------

                               Did you ever notice that when you blow
in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car
ride, he sticks his head out the window?

------------------------------------------------

                               Do you ever wonder why you gave me
your e-mail address in the first place?



                    Amazing Anagrams

                               This has got to be one of the cleverest
                               E-mails I've received in awhile.
                               Someone out there
                               must be "deadly" at Scrabble.
                               (Wait till you see the last one)!

                               PRESBYTERIAN:
                               When you rearrange the letters:
                               BEST IN PRAYER


                               ASTRONOMER:
                               When you rearrange the letters:
                               MOON STARER

                               DESPERATION:

                               When you rearrange the letters:
                               A ROPE ENDS IT

                               THE EYES:
                               When you rearrange the letters:
                               THEY SEE


                               GEORGE BUSH:
                               When you rearrange the letters:
                               HE BUGS GORE

                               THE MORSE CODE:
                               When you rearrange the letters:
                               HERE COME DOTS

                              DORMITORY:
                               When you rearrange the letters:
                               DIRTY ROOM

                               SLOT MACHINES:
                               When you rearrange the letters:
                               CASH LOST IN ME

                               ANIMOSITY:
                               When you rearrange the letters:
                               IS NO AMITY

                              ELECTION RESULTS:
                               When you rearrange the letters:
                               LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

                               SNOOZE ALARMS:
                               When you rearrange the letters:
                               ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

                               A DECIMAL POINT:
                               When you rearrange the letters:
                               I'M A DOT IN PLACE

                               THE EARTHQUAKES:
                               When you rearrange the letters:
                               THAT QUEER SHAKE

                                ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
                               When you rearrange the letters:
                               TWELVE PLUS ONE


                               AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

                               MOTHER-IN-LAW:
                               When you rearrange the letters:
                               WOMAN HITLER

[David5o]

Something to Offend Everyone!!?


A history teacher asks a class full of kids 'What was
Churchill famous for?'
A kid at the back shouts out 'He was the last white man
to be called Winston!'
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Did you hear about the look-a-like competition in China ?
Everybody won.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

What's the ideal weight for a mother-in-law?
About 2.3 pounds including the urn.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Was so depressed last night that I rang the Samaritans.

Got through to a call centre in Pakistan .
Told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and
asked if I could fly a plane......
----------------------------------------------------------------------

A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub.
She says 'Show me it's true what they say about black
men'.. So he stabbed her and nicked her purse.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden
shouted to me...

'Oi, what's your disability?'

I said 'Tourettes! Now f**k off!'

----------------------------------------------------------------------

A man is in a queue at Tesco and sees this busty blonde
staring at him, he can't believe she is staring at him, then she starts
waving.

'Excuse me do I know you?' he asks.
'Yes I think you are the father of one of my kids' she
says.

The man thinks back and remembers his one act of
infidelity and says 'Are you the bird I shagged on my stag night, whilst
your mate whipped me and your other mate stuck a brush up my
arse?'

'No' she replies 'I'm your son's English teacher!'
----------------------------------------------------------------------

I said to the wife, 'I thought I saw your name on a
loaf of bread today, but when I looked again it said 'Thick Cut' '

----------------------------------------------------------------------

What's the difference between Harold Shipman and Tony
Blair?

Shipman actually did something about NHS waiting lists.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

A bride on her wedding night says to her husband 'I
must confess darling, I was a hooker!'.

He says 'That's all right, dear. Your past is your
past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it'.

She replies 'Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for
Wigan !'
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Tampax are changing their design they are repacing the
string with a piece of tinsel ...... This is for the Christmas period only!

----------------------------------------------------------------------

A man says to his wife 'tell me something that will
make me happy and sad at the same time'.

His wife replies .... 'You've got a bigger cock than your
brother'

[David5o]

Stand Up Comedy Hecklers


for all those people who have seen stand up comedy they will know the brave fellows watching heckle the comedians. just want to know what the best heckle they have heard and the response.

my personal favourite was - get off the stage your a wanker, nobody likes you did you not learn that from school.

another from Jongleurs was - Woman : speak up please where cant hear you talking crap at the back
Comedian - i dont come to your work and tell you how to give blow jobs so please dont tell me how to do my job.

And here's some more examples,.....


Woman in audience - "Call that a haircut!?"
Comedian - "I suppose yours is? Is that peroxide blonde?"
Woman in audience - "Platinum."
Comedian - "Oh, I thought platinum was a precious metal, not a common one."


The greatest orator of the twentieth century imho Sir Winston

A woman to Churchill at a public meeting.
"Sir, if you were my husband i would cook your dinner with poision"
Chuchill replied ..."Madam, if i were your husband i'd eat it"

Another Churchill one:

A lady MP at a social function: "Winston, you are drunk and making a fool of yourself."
Winston: "Madam, you are fat and ugly, and I will be sober in the morning."



___________________________________________________________________________________

The Girl at work


Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.
"Well," replies Paul, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got a real hard erection every time I saw her?"
"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.
"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally worked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."
"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"
"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get one of those really strong  erections again. So I got some duct tape and taped "it" to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show".
"Sensible" says Jeff.
"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, sexiest, dress you ever saw."
"And what happened then?"
"Oh just Don't ask!!, .....I kicked her in the face!!!!!."

[David5o]

The Milk Bath....

A milkman is about ready to deliver a half gallon bottle to a residence when he sees a note on the door saying, 'Leave me 16 gallons of milk, please'.

Curious, because the lady usually orders no more than half gallon, he knocks on the door. The lady answers and he says, "Do you really want 16 gallons of milk?"

She replies, "Yes I do. I'm going to take a milk bath later."

The milkman then says, "Well then, do you want it pasteurized?"

The lady replies, "No, just up to my tits will be fine."


____________________________________________________________________________



A Woman's Prayer.....

Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods.

Because Lord,
....if I pray for Strength, ....I'm going to beat him to death.


____________________________________________________________________________

                                                       And Finally....


Anagrams


DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM
---
PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER
---
ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER
---
DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT
---
THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE
---
GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE
---
THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS
---
SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME
---
ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY
---
ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
---
MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER
---
SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
---
A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE
---
THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE
---
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

[David5o]

One liners!!

Why do women have small feet?
Obviously, ...So they can stand closer to the sink!

A woman enroled in nursing school is attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day is involuntary muscles. The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asks the woman if she knows what her asshole does when she has an orgasm. "Sure!" she says, "He's at home taking care of the kids..."

Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.


Finally


Anatomy Class, (a lesson for us all...)

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body.
For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. Go ahead and do the same thing, he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.
When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them, slowly shook his head, and told them, The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in, ...my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.

No1 lesson to you ALL,  ...Learn to pay strict attention to the details!!!.

[David5o]

Mongolian VD


An American tourist goes on a trip to China.

While there, he is sexually promiscuous and doesn't use a condom.

A week after arriving home, he finds his penis is covered with bright green spots. Horrified, he goes to see his doctor.

Days later the doctor calls and says, "I've got bad news. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare. We know little about it. We have to amputate your penis."

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring he'll know more about the disease.

The Chinese doctor examines him and proclaims, "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD."

"What can you do?" asks the man. "My American doctor wants to amputate!"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs, "Stupid American doctors always want to operate. Make more money that way. No need to operate!"

"Oh, thank God!" the man replies.

"Yes!" says the Chinese doctor. "You no worry! ....you Wait two weeks. Dick fall off by itself!"

[David5o]

Work vs Prison!!!



IN PRISON... you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell .
AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 desk cubicle .


IN PRISON...you get three meals a day .
AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it .


IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior .
AT WORK...you get more work for good behavior .


IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you .
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and open all the doors For yourself .


IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games .
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games .


IN PRISON...you get your own toilet .
AT WORK...you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat .


IN PRISON...they allow your family and fr iends to visit .
AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family on the phone .


IN PRISON...the taxpayers pay all expenses with no work required .
AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners .


IN PRISON...you must deal with sadistic wardens .
AT WORK...they are called managers .

Have a Great Day at WORK - I'm going off PRISON