JUST FOR A LAUGH

[David5o]

Ha Ha!!


Scientists for Health UK suggested that, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.

The theory is that beer contains female hormones (since hops contain phytoeostrogens) and drinking it may turn men into women.

To test the theory, 100 men were given 6 pints of beer each to drink within a one hour period.

It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, refused to apologise when obviously wrong and had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary!




_________________________________________________________________________




Garden of Eden

God was just about done creating man, but he had two things left over in his bag and He couldn't quite decide how to split them between Adam and Eve. He thought He might just as well ask them. He told them one of the things He had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up. "It's a very handy thing," God told them, "and I was wondering if either one of you had a preference for it."

Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged, "Oh, please give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems like just the sort of thing a man should have. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me!" On and on he went like an excited little boy. Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he could have it. So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee standing up.

Adam was so excited he just started whizzing all over the place - first on the side of a rock, then he wrote his name in the sand, and then he tried to see if he could hit a stump ten feet away - laughing with delight all the while.


God and Eve watched him with amusement and then God said to Eve,
"Well, I guess you're kind of stuck with the last thing I have left."
"What's it called?" asked Eve.

multiple orgasm said God.

[David5o]

I Can't Bear It!!!


Frank got a new rifle for his b-day. He decided that he wanted to go bear hunting in Alaska with it.

Frank made it to Alaska and soon went hunting. He saw this huge brown bear in the distance, he drew his rifle up and shot the bear. Right after shooting the bear he felt a tap at his sholder, It was this Huge Black bear that said, Frank you have two choices here...either you can let me kill you for killing my friend or let me have sex with you. Frank thought about and decided to let the bear have his way with him. Frank came back home all tore up from the bear and recovered. During that time he decided that he would go back to Alaska to get revenge on that Black bear.

Frank returned to Alaska and found that very same black bear that had his way with him. He shot him and then all of a sudden he feels a taping at his sholder again. This time is a Kodak bear. The Kodak bear tells frank, well you have two options, have sex with me or let me tear you piece to piece. Well Frank, valuing his life, lets the bear have his way with him. Humiluated, frank returns home to nurse his wounds and swears to have revenge on that Kodak bear.

4 Months later Frank is in Alaska again. He spots the very same Kodak bear in the woods and shots him dead. Yet again he has a tap on his sholder, this time is a Polar Bear. The Polar says...Frank you dont really come here for the hunting at all, ...do you???



_________________________________________________________________


Things To Know To Make Your Life Complete!!!


If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced
enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is
produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

(O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

(So in there next life who wants to be a pig??)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to
death! .... (Creepy.)

(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour

(Don't try this at home,maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to
its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping
the length of a football field.

(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a bloody pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Something I always wanted to know!!!)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

(Hmmmmmm......)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed
people.

(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

(okay, so that would be a good thing)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.

(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.

(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.

(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer??)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(So, ...What about that pig??)

[ahkiwi]

Daddy, How was I born?

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers, Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!
Your Mum and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.
Then I set up a date via email with your Mum and we met at a cyber-cafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall,
and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little 'Pop-Up' appeared that said  "Scroll down"

You'll love this
¤
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'You have Male!'

[David5o]

Need Samples!!!

An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, "I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample."

The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: "WHAT?"

"What did he say? What's he want?"

His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear."


____________________________________________________________________




Triplets.....

A woman was pregnant with triplets. One day she decided to go for a walk when she was shot in the stomach.
The Dr. said the children would be fine but they would each have a bullet inside them.
It was sixteen years later when one of her girls came down and said that when she had a shit she found a bullet so the mum explained the story.
A bit later her second daughter came down and said when she went for a piss she found a bullet, so for the second time she explained the story.
All of a sudden her son came down in a right state. His mum turned around and said "Don't tell me you went to toilet and found a bullet".
He then turned back and said "No, I was having a wank and I shot the dog!"

[David5o]

Professional Gambler

During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."

The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first."

The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.

"I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.

The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?"

"Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy.

"Like what?" asked the bartender.

"Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said.

The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said.

So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.

"I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger.

The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.

"Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender.

"That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man.

With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."

The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said.

The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.

The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!"

The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"

Old, .....but still Gold!!

[David5o]

The Emu


An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.' The emu says, 'I'll have the same.'

Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says the emu.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, mate, how do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'

'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man.

The waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?' The truckie sighs, pauses, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.'___________________________________________________________________________




Sex in the Dark

There was this couple that had been married
for 20 years.

Every time they made love the husband always
insisted on shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.

She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.

So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romant ic session, she turned
on the lights. She looked down. and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... a vibrator!
Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic.
'You impotent bastard,' She screamed at him, 'how could you be lying to me all of these years?
You better explain yourself!'

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
'I'll explain the toy . . . Now, .......you explain the kids.

[David5o]

The Dentists!!....

A chap is in the dentists chair.
"Had a 69 before you came in ?" asks the dentist.
The dentists nurse starts giggling and the man with a bright red face watches as the dentist drops a hair he's removed from the mans mouth in the tray.
The bloke is glad when he's able to get out of the chair and goes out of the surgery with the nurses laughter ringing in his ears.
A month later he has to go back. ...As he's been active the night before he scrubs his teeth three times,then rinses his mouth out twice.Hed already bought four packets of chewing gum and has chewed his way through nearly all of them beofre his name is called in the waiting room.He pops the last piece in his mouth,frantically chews it, spits it into his hand and has a quick rub round his mouth with his finger before he opens the dentists door, walks in and sits in the chair. He opens his mouth wide as the dentist turns to look at him
The dentist smiles.  ..."Another 69 last night?"
"How could you know???" asks the man
"WHY!!!  ....Because you've got a ruddy great skid mark on your forehead Sir" replies the dentist.

[David5o]

The Brits on Holiday   – .......(Oh Dear!!)



This was sent from Thomas Cook Holidays - listing some of the guests' complaints during the season.

(Survey by Thomas Cook and ABTA)


"I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

"It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be banned."

"On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all."

"We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels."

A tourist at a top African game lodge overlooking a waterhole, who spotted a visibly aroused elephant, complained that the sight of this rampant beast ruined his honeymoon by making him feel "inadequate".

A woman threatened to call police after claiming that she'd been locked in by staff. When in fact, she had mistaken the "do not disturb" sign on the back of the door as a warning to remain in the room.

"The beach was too sandy."

"We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white."

A guest at a Novotel in Australia complained his soup was too thick and strong. He was inadvertently slurping the gravy at the time.

"Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women."

"We bought 'Ray-Ban' sunglasses for five Euros (£3.50) from a street trader, only to find out they were fake."

"No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled."

"It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England it only took the Americans three hours to get home."

"I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller."

"The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation'. We're trainee hairdressers - will we be OK staying here?"

"There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners."

"We had to queue outside with no air conditioning."

"It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

"I was bitten by a mosquito - no-one said they could bite."


"My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

It's true what they say, These people actually ''live amongst us!!!!!''  What i want to know, how on earth did these people manage to get passports, surely they must be residing in the various nut houses around the UK.....

[David5o]

Hitler's Reaction to the Oasis Split


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q6IyGAvbOs4
_________________________________________________________________________




The Truck or the Girl?


 One day, Jimmy Joe was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup. Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.

"Bubba, where'd you get that truck?!?"

"Bobby Sue gave it to me" Bubba replied.

"She gave it to you? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?"

"Well, Jimmy Joe, let me tell you what happened. We were driving out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowhere. Bobby Sue pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said,

'Bubba, take whatever you want'.

So I took the truck!"

"Bubba, you're a smart man!. Them clothes woulda never fit you!"

[David5o]

You Know Your in Cyprus When............

1. A mercedes is not a private car, it's a Taxi.
2. Talking sounds just like arguing.
3. You walk around in jumpers when it’s like 26C....
4....but put your airconditioning to 16C and still find it hot.
5. Going to buy a newspaper needs at least a 10 minute make-up.
6. Not smoking is considered 'Totally Weird'.
7. Not eating meat is unthinkable.
8. You take a generator when camping (to supply your fridge, micro, TV!).
9. All men over 30 look 50.
10. You text message people sitting at the same table with you.
11. You text message whilst lifting weights.
12. Police park on the pavement..to book you for a parking offence.
13. It's truly a task telling the difference between a pimp and undercoverpolice.
14. The translation of 'thank you' is......... "thank you".
15. The translation of 'sorry' is......."sorry".
16. The first thing a police officer asks you is "what does your dad do?".
17. The messenger/clerk of a Ministry can get you a job!
18. Your next door neighbour cooks "souvla" all 52 Sundays of the year.
19. The pick-up truck in front of you has charcoal fuming at the back..getting it ready for the time it reaches the beach!
20. You call everyone "koumbare"('best man')...and they probably are...

[David5o]

True Love...


Three men were drinking at a bar -- a doctor, an attorney
and a biker. As the doctor was drinking his white wine he said, "For
her birthday, I'm going to buy my wife a fur coat and a diamond ring.
This way, if she doesn't like the fur coat she will still love me
because she got a diamond ring."
As the attorney was drinking his martini he said, "For my wife's
birthday, I'm going to buy her a designer dress and a gold bracelet.
This way, if she doesn't like the dress she will still love me because
she got the gold bracelet."
As the biker was drinking his shots of whiskey he said, "Well, ....I'm going to
buy my wife a T-shirt and a vibrator. This way, if she doesn't like
the T-shirt she can always go f**k herself!"

[David5o]

Pryers Female vs Male


FEMALE PRAYER
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
Amen.
.
.
.
.
MALE PRAYER
God, I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with decent boobs
who owns a liquor store and a bass boat. This may not
 rhyme but at the end of a day, who gives a s**t.



___________________________________________________________



Some NICE Valentine Mesages (...Well sort of anyway!!!)

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty
and so is your head.

Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
But I only slept with you, because I was pissed

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot
This describes everything you are not

I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife
Marrying you screwed up my life

I see your face when I am dreaming
That's why I always wake up screaming

My love, you take my breath away
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe "go to hell"

I Thought that I could love no other
That is until I met your brother

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Three parts vodka, one part lime......

[David5o]

Are You A 98% Or A 2%??

Note: This is really weird. At the end of this message, you are asked a
question. Answer it immediately. Don't stop and think about it. Just
say the first thing that pops into your mind. This is a fun "test"...
AND kind of spooky at the same time! Give it a try, then e-mail it
around and you'll see how many people you know fall into the same
percentage as you. Be sure to put in the subject line if you are among
the 98% or the 2%. You'll understand what that means after you finish
taking the "test".
... Now... just follow the instructions as quickly as possible. ... Do
not go to the next calculation before you have finished the
 
previous one. You do not need to write or remember the answers, just do
it using your mind. You'll be surprised.
Start:.....
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I know! Calculations are hard work, but it's nearly over! Come on, one
more!
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>QUICK! ......THINK ABOUT A COLOUR AND A TOOL!
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>Scroll further to the bottom
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>You just thought about a red hammer, didn't you?
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... If this is not your answer, you are among 2% of people who have a
different, if not abnormal, mind

[Bob]

OMG That is so weird, that is exactly what I was thinking of,,a red hammer !

[David5o]

Irish Men Flying....

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem." The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,"
says Gerry. The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag.
Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's
truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.
At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000' foot drop and says,
"Dis looks like a grand place. "He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing
himself stone dead. Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says,
"sod dat. Dis budgie jumping is too dangerous for me!"

THERE'S MORE

Moment's later, Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other. "Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus
says. He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of
the cliff.
Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the
parrot. Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.
Paddy shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting
either!"

IT IS NOT OVER YET

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean Og appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag out of which he pulls a chicken.
Sean Og then hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down
until he hits on a rock and breaks his spine.Once more Paddy shakes
his head.
"sod dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus
parrotshooting. And now Sean Og and his hengliding!"