JUST FOR A LAUGH

[David5o]

Trouble and strife


Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender,

"Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said Charlie "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees."

"Really," said Charles, "now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under that dammed bed, you dammed chicken."


___________________________________________________


Handsome Man

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him. The young man noticed her overly attentive stare & walked directly toward her. Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude for staring, the young man said to her, 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100, on one condition.' Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The young man replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.'
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, withdrew from her purse and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which she pressed into the young man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, "Clean my house."

[David5o]

ResimaY

To hoom it mae cunsern,

I waunt to apply for the job what I saw in the paper. I can Type real quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting.

I think I am good on the phone and no I am a pepole person, Pepole really seam to respond to me well. Certain men and all the ladies.

Im lookin for a Jobb as a reporter but it musent be to complicaited.

I no my spelling is not to good but find that I Offen can get a job thru my persinalety. My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth,

I can start imeditely. Thank you in adv anse fore yore anser.

hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.

Sinseerly,

BRYAN nikname Beefy

PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me.














Employer's response:...



Dear Beefy-I mean Bryan,

It's OK honey, we've got spell check. You're hired.

[Vince G]

I had almost the same joke/email with the name like peggy or candy and of course extremely busted girl.

[David5o]

Jobs in Britain

Somalian arrives in London as a new immigrant to Britain.

He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, 'Thank
you Mr. British man for letting me in this country, giving me free housing,
free food stamps, free medical care, free education and all wonderful social
monetary benefits!'

The passerby says, 'You are mistaken, I am Polish.'

The man goes on and encounters another passerby.

'Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Britain!'

The person says, 'I not British, I am from Croatia.'

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes
his hand and says, 'Thank you for the wonderful Britain!'

That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from Iran, I am not British!'

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you an British?'
She says, 'No, I am from Latvia!'

Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the British people?'

The Latvian lady checks her watch and says... 'Probably at work'



____________________________________________________



Womans and Man's Perfect Day!!


The Woman's Perfect Day

08:15 - Wake up to hugs and kisses
08:30 - Weigh-in 5lbs lighter than yesterday
08:45 - Breakfast in bed-freshly squeezed orange juice and croissants; open presents- expensive jewellery chosen by thoughtful partner
09:15 - Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil
10:00 - Light work-out at club with sexy, funny personal trainer
10:30 -Facial, manicure, makeup application, shampoo, condition, blow wave
12:00 - Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor café
12:45 - Catch sight of partner's ex and notice that she has gained 22lbs
13:00 - Shopping with friends: unlimited credit
15:00 - Nap
16:00 - 3 dozen roses delivered by florist; card is from secret admirer
16:15 - Massage from strong but gentle hunk-says he rarely gets to work on such a perfect body
17:30 - Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe
19:30 - Candlelit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments received from other diners/ dancers
22:00 - Hot shower - alone
22:50 - Carried to bed, freshly ironed, crisp, white linen
23:00 - Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling
23:15 - Fall asleep in his big, strong arms

A Man's Perfect Day

06:00 - Alarm
06:15 - Blow job
06:30 - Massive, satisfying shit while reading the sports section
07:00 - Breakfast-steak and eggs, coffee and toast-all cooked by naked, buxom wench who bends over a lot
07:30 - Limo arrives
07:45 - Several beers en route to the airport
09:15 - Flight in personal Lear jet
09:30 - Limo to Mirage Resort Golf Club (blow job en-route)
09:45 - Play front nine (2 under par)
11:45 - Lunch-steak and lobster, 3 beers and bottle of Dom Peringon
12:15 - Blow job
12:30 - Play back nine (4 under)
14:15 - Limo back to airport (several bourbons)
14:30 - Fly to Bahamas
15:30 - Late afternoon fishing expedition with all-female crew, all nude who also bend over a lot
16:30 - Land world record Marlin (1234lbs)-on light tackle
17:00 - Fly home, massage and hand job by naked Elle Macpherson
18:45 - Shit, shower and shave
19:00 - Watch news - Michael Jackson assassinated
19:30 - Dinner-lobster appetizers, Dom Peringon (1953), big juicy fillet steak followed by ice cream served on a big pair of tits
21:30 - Sex with three women, all with lesbian tendencies
23:00 - Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing beer
23:30 - Night-cap blow job
23:45 - In bed alone
23:50 - A 22-second fart that changes note 4 times and forces the dog to leave the room
23:51 - Laugh yourself to sleep


_______________________________________________________


My Local


So, ....Drinks down my local friday night Guys??

[David5o]

Bulls and Cows

My wife and I went to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits we
stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there
was a sign attached that said,' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR.'



My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs and said, 'He mated 50
times last year.'

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that
said,''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR.'

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'That's more than twice
a week! You could learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said,
in capital letters,'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'.


My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and
said, 'That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this
one.'

I looked at her and said, 'Look, ..Just go over and ask him if it was always
with the same cow.'
My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and they say
I should eventually make a full recovery. .....but it's true though isn't it,
What i said!!!!


_____________________________________________________



Should Children Witness Childbirth?

 Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The
 House was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl
 To hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he
 Helped deliver the baby.
 
 
 Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and
 Pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic
 Lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor
 Began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and
 Asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just
 Witnessed. Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in
 There in the first place......smack him again


________________________________________________________



Little Johnny....

 The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one-by-one began to tell their stories. "Johnny, do you have a story to share?", the teacher asked.
"Yes ma'am," Johnny replied. "My daddy told me a story about my Aunt Nancy. She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit.
"She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
"She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed right in the middle of 20 enemy troops. She shot 15 of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed 4 more with the knife till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," cried the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your daddy give you from this horrible story?"

"Stay the hell away from Aunt Nancy when she's been drinking."

[David5o]

Are they Rich, ...or just lucky buggers???


Now, This guy just has to be super rich, ...RIGHT???





WOW!! ...look at those ears man, this guy could actually fly if he could flap them fast enough. Then look at the bugle (nose) ...greedy bugger, wants twice as much air cause it's free!! How the heel can he focus on anything he looks at with eyes as crossed as he's??




Do you have to be a millionaire to buy one of those little guys???






These may have been posted sometime in the past, but the pictures were lost... now there back here. ...lol!!_____________________________




Would you play Twister with this Guy???




Think i'll pass on that offer thanks!!!!!!

[David5o]

An 18 Year Old Italian Girl


An 18-year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature, distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You better dammed well try again Lad!!!."


____________________________



One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside all people. He said, 'My son, the battle is between two 'wolves' inside us all.

One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.'

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: 'Which wolf wins?'


The old Cherokee simply replied, 'The one you feed.'



_______________________________


So you Think You are having a Bad Day!!!

[David5o]

Bike Ad



Does this ring any past and distant bells to anyone here  hahaha!!




____________________________________________________



Try This...

http://www.dothetest.co.uk/




____________________________________________________




Great Truths...


1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptise cats.
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
 You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.


GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.


GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.


THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.


SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is .. . . having friends.
At age 17 success is . . having a drivers licence.
At age 35 success is . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . .. . having a drivers licence.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.

[David5o]

The Nymphomaniac


A man boarded an aircraft at London 's Heathrow Airport for New York , and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.'Hello', he blurted out, 'Business trip or vacation?'

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, 'Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States .'

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, 'What's your business role at this convention?'

'Lecturer,' she responded.'I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.'

'Really', he smiled, 'what myths are those?'

'Well,' she explained, 'one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish.'

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. 'I'm sorry,' she said.

'I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!'

'Tonto,' the man said. 'Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy.



______________________________________________________


Black Panties!


Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.

Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.

Her daughter immediately replied, 'Mom! I have someone for you to meet.'

Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did.

There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.

Looking her over, he asked, 'Why the black panties?'

She replied: 'My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning.'

He knew he was not getting lucky that night.

The following night was the same--she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit--but now he was wearing a black condom.

She looked at him and asked: ' What's with the black condom?

He replied, 'I want to offer my deepest condolences.'

[David5o]

2 Irishmen and a Blonde


Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A blonde walks by and asked what they were doing.

Paddy: "We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole, but we don't have a ladder."

The blonde took a spanner from her purse, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down. She pulled a tape measure from her pocket, took a few measurements and announced that it was eighteen feet and six inches. She then walked off.

Mick said: "Now, to be sure, isn't that just like a blonde! We need the height and she gives us the feckin length."




___________________________________________________




WHO IS JACK SCHITT?


For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!' Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.

Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Lodza Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

NOW when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt



Some of their distant relatives published books.

The world is better than me- by I.M.Schitt
I am better than you- by U.R.Schitt
Cheap diet with junk food-by N.E Schitt
Then there was the one that failed his exams and got kicked out of school -- Dummas Schitt


____________________________________________________

[David5o]

Bollards

These workmen are installing bollards to stop nurses from parking on
the pavement outside the Royal Hospital in Belfast .
They are cleaning up at the end of the day.
?How long do you think it will be before they realise that they can't go home?
?This is a real and genuine photograph...!






_________________________________________________




















And a couple of others thrown in for good measure .....





Never complain about public transport again!!!.

[David5o]

If u can't take it .... do not look !!!!!





Is this how you wear your kilt Rob??.... in the traditional manner ..haha!!

[Scottish_Rob]

If u can't take it .... do not look !!!!!





Is this how you wear your kilt Rob??.... in the traditional manner ..haha!!

And the reason the white boots are on..... IS so you don't see they have danddruff...hahahaha

[David5o]

Religions of the World...

Taosim: Shit happens.

Hinduism: This shit happened before.

Islam: If shit happens, take a hostage.

Buddhism: When shit happens, is it really shit?

Day Adventist: Shit happens on Saturday.

Protestantism: Shit wont happen if I work harder.

Catholicism: If shit happens, I deserve it.

Jahovas Witness: Knock, knock....Shit happens....

Judaism: Why does shit always happen to me?

Hare Krishna: Shit happens, rama rama ding dong.

Atheism: No shit.

Evangelism: Send more shit.

Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit!!

Orthodoxism: Buy one shit , get one shit free

Mormons: Have loads of underage wives, lots of shit happens.

Shiites: Enough said!!!

[David5o]

Some Cartoons For You Read......

















Funny Pictures