JUST FOR A LAUGH

[David5o]

If Men were left to raise the Kids by themselves...!!!


Potty training? Who needs it?






Bath time would be more fun!



Kids would be more able to express their emotions!



Work would get done more efficiently...



boys would read more!!




______________________________



HOW DO WE KNOW WHEN OUR BEER IS COOL ENOUGH?



WE HARDLY EVER GET IT RIGHT !!!


But now the ultimate method to determine whether
a beer is cool enough, or not, has been discovered! !


THE METHOD






By applying the new method, we can clearly see that the left beer is cool enough, but the right isn't......................





PROOF!!

[Scottish_Rob]

Hhhhhhmmmmmm...LUNCH:icon_biggrin::icon_biggrin::angel:

[David5o]

For Cat Lovers

New Recruit

You are listening to Stevie Wonder -(Your first day at work and all is fine and great)



A couple of months into the job

You are listening to HOUSE music - (After a while you are so busy that you are not sure if you coming or going anymore) Your team is understaffed and your boss needs more more more



You are listening to Metal - The days blur into each other



You are listening to Hip Hop - (You become bloated due to stress, feel sluggish and suffer from constipation)



A year in

You are listening to GANGSTA RAP - (After more time passes, your eyes start to twitch, you forget what a 'good hair day' feels like as you just fall out of bed and load up on caffeine!!)


And Finally you have been here a year
You are listening to Techno and have gone a bit doolaly


Which stage are you at?




This persons been promoted so he's Rockin' ....

[David5o]

Near Death Experience!!!


Last night my wife and I were sitting in the living room, talking about life... In-between, we talked about the idea of living or dying.

I said to her:

'Dear, never let me live in a vegetative state, totally dependent on machines and liquids from a bottle. If you see me in that state I want you to disconnect all the contraptions that are keeping me alive, I'd much rather die'.

Then my wife got up from the sofa with this real look of admiration towards me...and proceeded to disconnect the TV, the Cable, the Dish, the DVD, the Computer, the Cell Phone, the iPod, and the Xbox, and then went to the fridge and threw away all my beer!!

....I ALMOST DIED!!!



_______________________________________




Life in the 1500's!


The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the 1500s:


Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water..

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying .. It's raining cats and dogs.

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house.. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, Dirt poor. The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance way. Hence the saying a thresh hold.

(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old..

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, bring home the bacon. They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat..

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the upper crust.

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift.) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be saved by the bell or was considered a dead ringer..

Now, whoever said History was boring ! ! !

[David5o]

Dilemma


Its old but good

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild,
stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see
three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing
that there could only be one passenger in your car?
Think before you continue reading.

(scroll down)















This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually
used as part of a job application.

You could pick up the old lady because she is injured and will die,
and thus you should save her first. Or you could take the old
friend because he once saved your life, and this would
be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you
may never be able to find your perfect mate again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had
no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered:
'I would give the car keys to my old friend and let
him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind
and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.'

Sometimes we gain more if we are able to give up our
stubborn thought limitations. Never forget to 'Think
outside of the box.'

HOWEVER



The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put
her out of her misery, sh4g the perfect
partner on the bonnet of the car, then drive off with
the old friend for a few beers.

God, I just love happy endings

[David5o]

Penniless Vicar

The local Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.

There is a hush within the congregation... No one wants him to leave.

Mike Smith, who owns several car dealerships, stands up and proclaims: "If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Jaguar every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!"

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says, "If the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education of his children!"

More sighs and loud applause.

Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the Vicar stays, I will give him sex."

There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?"

Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies: "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, '' don't worry about it '', ....''Fuck the Vicar'.

[Sylvain D]

Sorry, it's not a text, but a video...
But very hilarious one ^^'

Have a look :
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GT86iWiH2mI

[Scottish_Rob]

Das? ist gut ya? ...............LOL:icon_biggrin:

[David5o]

Some funny Cyprus audio clips ......



Costas's chop pan
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6tlNUa8O7DQ

Batiha- The Watermelon
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cpUyZTNS0yA
Baklava -Traditional sliced Sweet
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Hj4-_H36Dk


__________________________________________




Mexican smuggler

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders.

The guard stops him and says, "What''s in the bags?"

"Sand," answered Juan.

The guard says, "We'll just see about that get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.

He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.

The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man''s shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"

"Sand," says Juan.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand.He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.

"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about..... I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"


Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

[David5o]

Old Folk....

After examining his elderly patient, the doctor asked the man, You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?
In fact, I do, said the old man. After I have sex I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly.'
After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said, Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then said Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and
sweaty after having sex with you the first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?

Oh that crazy old fart, she replied. That's because the first time is usually in August and the second time is in January.



_______________________________________________


50 Years Ago....


An elderly couple were sitting at their kitchen table
on the morning of their 50th wedding anniversary.

'You know' she said, 'We were probably sitting in the kitchen across from each other 50 years ago.'

'Yeah' he said, 'But we were probably naked.'

'So let's get naked now' she suggested.

So they both took off all their clothes
and sat across from each other.

'You know' she said smiling lovingly
'My nipples feel just as hot, Looking at you today
as they did 50 years ago.'

He replied 'I'm sure they are .........
one is in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal.



______________________________________________




Name That Animal, ....Kids!!!!


Eddie's first-grade class was having a game of Name That Animal. The teacher held up a picture of a cat and asked, "What animal is this?"

"A cat!" said Suzy.

"Good job! Now, what's this animal?"

"A dog!" said Ricky.

"Good! Now what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of a deer.

The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said, "It's what your mom calls your dad."

"A Horny Bitch!!!" cried out Eddie.

[David5o]

Government Health Warning....





Don't Swallow BUBBLE GUM!!!
_______________________________________________


Two Aussies

Two Aussies are adrift in a lifeboat. While rummaging through the boat's provisions one of them finds an old lamp. He rubs the lamp and a genie suddenly appears. This genie tells them that he only grants one wish.

Without giving much thought to the matter, the lamp finder blurts out, "Turn the entire ocean into VB!"

The genie claps his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turns into beer.

The genie disappears and only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull breaks the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.

The second Aussie turns to the first with an annoyed look on his face, ..and says, "That's real nice going mate! ,Now we're going to have to piss in the bloody boat."


________________________________________________



Had to Hurt!!.....


A pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express Praise For answered prayers.

A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said "I have a praise.''

Two months ago my husband Jim had a terrible bicycle wreck and his Scrotum was smashed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know If they could help him."

She continued  "Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move Caused him terrible pain''. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate Operation.

They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and Wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

The men in the congregation squirmed uncomfortably.

She continued  "Now Jim is out of the hospital and the doctor's say with time his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to Say

A man rose and walked to the podium. He said" Good morning I'm Jim and I want to tell my wife .....ONCE AGAIN   ...the   ...word    ...is    ......STERNUM."

[David5o]

The Growler...

A posh Scotsman is riding on a train across from a busty blonde in a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realizes she has gone without underwear.

The blonde realises he is staring and inquires, "Are you looking at my growler?" "Yes, I'm sorry, " says the posh Scotsman and promises to avert his eyes.

"It's quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you." Sure enough, the growler blows him a kiss.

Completely absorbed, he inquires what else the growler can do. "I can also make it wink, " says the woman. The posh Scotsman stares in amazement as the growler winks at him.

"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat. The posh Scotsman moves over and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"

Totally Stunned, The posh Scotsman replies, "Good grief! Can it whistle, too?"


________________________________________________



Boob Job

A wife asks her husband if she could spend £8,000 on a boob job?

"No need to spend all that money i know a way with loo paper".

"How?" she asks

"Well!" he says, "you get at least 2 squares fold them in half and then rub it between your cleavage at least once every day, it might take some time but i'll work."

"Dont be stupid! That will never work!" She says.

"Sure it will, look what its done to your f**king arse"

[David5o]

BARBER SHOP

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then doesn't come back."

A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"

Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "ROUND TO YOUR HOUSE!"



_______________________________________________



Paddy my Friend


One day O'Leary decided to visit his friend Paddy and ask him for a favour.
"Paddy my friend", he said. "I'm going on holiday for a few weeks an I wanted to know if you could come around a couple a times a day to check up on me elderly ma, an feed me cat".

"No problem", replied Paddy. "You go an have a good time".

So the next day O'Leary left and headed for sunny Florida. However, after a week of him being there, he received a phone call from Paddy. "Everything's ok over here", Paddy said. "Except you're cat. It's dead"!

"oly ell", replied O'Leary. "You could have been a bit more sensitive Paddy"!

"What do you mean?", replied Paddy.

"Well, one day you could have rang me up and told me that my cat has climbed the tree. The next day you could tell me that it has gone even higher up the tree and refuses to come down. On the third day you could tell me that the cat lost its grip and fell from the tree and had to be taken to the vets because of a broken leg. Then on the fourth day you could have told me that it died peacefully in the vet clinic", explained O'Leary.

So paddy apologised and another week went by, when one day O'Leary got another phone call, it was Paddy again.

"All right O'Leary", he said. "Everything's ok here, except your ma - She's climbed the tree in your garden, and refuses to come down"!




_______________________________________________


Young Couple


A young couple wanted to join the church, the pastor told them, 'We have a special requirement for new member couples. You must abstain from sex for one whole month.'
The couple agreed, but after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church.

When the Pastor ushered them into his office, the wife was crying and the husband was obviously very depressed. 'You are back so soon... Is there a problem?' the pastor inquired.

'We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month.' The young man replied sadly.

The pastor asked him what happened.

'Well, the first week was difficult... However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. However, the third week was unbearable.

We tried cold showers, Prayers, reading from the Bible...anything to keep our minds off Carnal Thoughts. Until one afternoon my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I just had my way with her right then and there.

It was lustful, loud, passionate sex. It lasted for over an hour and when we were done we were both drenched in sweat,' admitted the man, shamefacedly.

The pastor lowered his head and said sternly, 'You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church.'

'We know.' said the young man, hanging his head, 'And now, ...We're not welcome at The Superhome Centre either.'

[David5o]

Technical Support Problems.....


Dear Technical Support,

18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, whichI had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off. To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9.

Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better. I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware. I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2007.

Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is. Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also, When Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Saab 93 Convertible hard drive, it often crashes. Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off.

Your advice please?__________________________________________________



Life And A Can Of Beer


When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the beer.
A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar were full. They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar were full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar were full. The students responded with an unanimous yes. The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand.

The students laughed. "Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things--your family, your children, your health, your friends, your favorite passions--things that if everything else were lost, and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else--the small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised his hand and inquired what the beer represented.

The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers."

[David E]

Here's one for Rob !!!

LONDON  LAWYER              V             GLASGOW COP      


A  London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow  copper.
He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education than any Jock cop.

 He decides to prove this to himself and have some  fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

Glasgow cop says, ' Licence and registration,  please.'

London Lawyer says, 'What  for?'

Glasgow cop says,  'Ye   didnae  come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'  

London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one  was coming.'

Glasgow cop says,  'Ye   still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and   registration, please.'

London Lawyer says, 'What's  the difference?'

Glasgow cop says,  'The  difference is,  ye huvte to come to complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!'

London  Lawyer says,  'If you can show me the legal difference between  slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration; and you  give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and  don't give me the  ticket.'

Glasgow cop says,  'Sounds fair.  Exit your vehicle, sir.'

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.  

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the  f*ck out of the lawyer and says 'Dae  ye  want me to stop,  or just slow doon?'  

DavidE