Author Topic: JUST FOR A LAUGH  (Read 305194 times)

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Vince G

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RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #45 on: July 04, 2009, 04:34:54 pm »
Not sure if these two photos go together? And they wonder why we run to China?
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Offline MLM

  • Zhou Li Weng Maines
  • Registered User
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  • Posts: 650
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RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #46 on: July 04, 2009, 04:47:35 pm »
Quote from: 'Vince G' pid='7319' dateline='1246739694'

Not sure if these two photos go together? And they wonder why we run to China?




Well that second photo is enough of birth control for me:s
TIME IS THE TELLER OF ALL TRUTHS AND THE HEALER OF ALL HURTS

David5o

  • Guest
RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #47 on: July 04, 2009, 04:53:22 pm »
Vince,

How can any man get aroused by something like that ?? Not that you would want too, but how to find the honey pot? Ask her to fart, to give you a clue, or dowse her in talcum powder to find the damp patch?

I think I'll leave it to others to find out...... I'm outta here!! ...hahaha!!

David5o

  • Guest
RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #48 on: July 05, 2009, 10:07:20 am »
The Centipede
 
This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.After some discussion he finally bought a centipede, (100 leg bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar for a drink.So he asked the centipede in the box, 'Would you like to go to Frank's place with me and have a beer? But there was no answer from his new Pet.This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again,'How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?' But again there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.He decided to ask him one more time. This time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, At the top of his voice,'Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?

YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS......



A little voice came out of the box:
'I heard you the first time! I'm putting my f***ing shoes on!! ....OK'
Lizard Birth!
 
If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was 'something wrong' with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room. 'He's just lying there looking sick,' he told me. 'I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?'

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

'Honey,' I called, 'come look at the lizard!' 'Oh, my gosh!' my wife exclaimed. 'She's having babies.' 'What?' my son demanded. 'But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!' I was equally outraged.

'Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce,' I said accusingly to my wife. 'Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?' she enquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)
'No, but you were supposed to get two boys!' I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).

'Yeah, Bert and Ernie!' my son agreed. 'Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,' she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. 'Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,' I announced. 'We're about to witness the miracle of birth.' 'Oh, gross!' they shrieked. 'Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?' my wife wanted to know.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. 'We don't appear to be making much progress,' I noted. 'It's breech,' my wife whispered, horrified. 'Do something, Dad!' my son urged. 'Okay, okay.' Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the
same results. 'Should I call 911?' my eldest daughter wanted to know.
'Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.' (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?) 'Let's get Ernie to the vet,' I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

'Breathe, Ernie, breathe,' he urged. 'I don't think lizards do Lamaze,' his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for G~d's sake.)
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. 'What do you think, Doc, a C-section?' I suggested scientifically. 'Oh, very interesting,' he murmured. 'Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?'

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. 'Is Ernie going to be okay?' my wife asked. 'Oh, perfectly,' the vet assured us. 'This lizard is not in labour. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. . Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . um . . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back.' He blushed, glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this. 'So, Ernie's just, just . . . excited,' my wife offered. 'Exactly,' the vet replied , relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly. 'What's so funny?' I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.. Tears were now running down her face. 'It's just that . . I'm picturing you pulling on its . its. . . teeny little ' ....She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more!!!!

'That's enough,' I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay. 'I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad,' he told me. 'Oh, you have NO idea,' my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Two lizards:      140 Euros
One cage:         50 Euros
Trip to the vet:  30 Euros
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkle: ........That's  Priceless!!!


Moral of the story: You should of Paid attention in biology class....
Because, then you would have known that .......All Lizards lay eggs!!  Remember!! ...???
« Last Edit: July 05, 2009, 10:17:05 am by David5o »

David5o

  • Guest
RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #49 on: July 06, 2009, 09:22:41 am »
WHO'S YOUR DADDY
 
The following are all replies that Detroit women have written on Child Support Agency Forms in the section for listing "Father's Details," or putting it another way....Who's yo Daddy? These are genuine excerpts from the forms with no spelling corrections. Be sure to check out #11. It takes 1st prize and #3 is runner up.

1.Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Makeeshia was fathered by Maclearndon Mc Kinley I am unsure as to the identity of the father of Marlinda, but I believe that she was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 East Grand Boulevard where I had sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you please send me his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my =2 0 stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was ejaculate and that he is the Saver risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as they all look the same to me.

8. Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time..... well, I don't have clue.

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World. Maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom .

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 8956 Miller Ave , mine might have remained unfertilized.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.
Shii - The Wii for Women
 

 Click the link
''Link''
......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................


Shii - The Wii for Women
 

 click this link
''Link''
......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................


The tax man
 
 
At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue.

While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said:
'I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?'
Good question,' noted the Rabbi. 'We save them up and send them
back to the candle makers, and every now and then,
they send us a free box of candles. '

Oh,' replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way:
'What about all these biscuit purchases?
What do you do with the crumbs?'
Ah, yes,' replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question.
'We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits.

' I see,' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.
'Well, Rabbi,' he went on, 'what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?'

Here, too, we do not waste,
' answered the Rabbi. 'What we do is save up all the foreskins
and send them to the Tax Office,
and about once a year they send us a complete dick.
 
 
Well he did ask for it ...Didn't he!!!!  .....Hahahaha!!
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THE NIGHT OF APRIL 1ST
 
' In The Court Room........

Defense Attorney:

Will you please state your age?
 
Little Old Lady:

I am 71 years old.
 
Defense Attorney:

Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
 
Little Old Lady:

There I was, ......
sitting in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,
when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
 
Defense Attorney:

Did you know him?
 
Little Old Lady:

No, but he sure was friendly.
 
Defense Attorney:

What happened after he sat down?  

 Little Old Lady:
 
 He started to rub my thigh.
 
Defense Attorney:
 
Did you stop him?
 
Little Old Lady:
 
No, I didn't stop him.
 
Defense Attorney:
 
Why not?
 
Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.
 
Defense Attorney:
What happened next?
 
Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.
 
Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?
 
Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.
 
 Defense Attorney:
 Why not?
 
Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
 
Defense Attorney:
What happened next?
 
Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so  'spicy' that I just laid down and told him........
'Take me, young man. Take me now!'
 
Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?
 
Little Old Lady:
 Hell, no!!
He just yelled, 'April Fool!' and ran off .
And that's when I shot him ............ 'The Little Bastard!!'
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Take the dog for a walk

A little girl asks her mum, 'Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around the block?'

Her mum replies 'No, because she is on heat.'

'What does that mean?' asked the child.

'Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'

The little girl goes out to the garage and says, 'Dad, can I take Lulu for a walk around the block?
I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on the heat, and to come ask you.'

He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'Ok, you can go now, but keep Lulu on the leash and only go one time around the block.'

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.

Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Lulu?'  

The little girl said, 'She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block,
so another dog is pushing her home.'
« Last Edit: July 06, 2009, 10:19:08 am by David5o »

David5o

  • Guest
RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #50 on: July 06, 2009, 10:23:01 am »
Are you Lonely?
 
Well, At Any Given Moment:
       
    79,000,000 people are engaged in intercourse right now.
   
    58,000,000 are kissing.
   
    37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
   
    And 1 lonely bugger is here reading e-mails.
   
   
   
You hang in there my sunshine.... Your time will surely come around.!!!! hahaha!!

David5o

  • Guest
RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #51 on: July 06, 2009, 11:54:18 am »
The Whale

First look and see the Whale under the water.
Keep your cursor OUT of the picture until you see the Whale.
Then move your mouse cursor onto the picture, but stand back, you might get wet

Click on the picture when it loads completely and be sure that your sound is on...!!


CLICK ON: .....Worlds Most Dangerous Creature
Anybody tell me why the links aren't working?? Also how do you get pictures posted on this site ?
i've tried al the normal ways that i generally use on the other forums that i post too....

David......
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Quick Jokes
 
 
Hahahahhahahhaa... Some of these are good!!  


1. Losing all your friends

Man comes home and finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend and kills him.
Wife says 'If you keep behaving like this, you will end up loseing ALL your friends.'

2. Brother wanted

A small boy wrote to Santa Claus, 'send me a brother'....
Santa wrote back, 'SEND ME YOUR MOTHER'....

3. Meaning of WIFE

Husband asks, 'Do you know the meaning of WIFE?
It means 'Without Information Fighting Everytime'!'
Wife replies, 'No, it means 'With Idiot For Ever'!!!'   "Stuffed Again ha ha!!"

4. Importance of a period

Teacher: 'Do you know the importance of a period?'
Kid: 'Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one,
my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack & our driver ran away.'

5. Confident vs. confidential

A young boy asks his Dad,
'What is the difference between confident and confidential? '
Dad says, 'You are my son, I'm confident about that.
Your friend over there, is also my son, and that's confidential! '

6. Anger management?

Husband: 'When I get mad at you, you never fight back.
How do you control your anger?'
Wife: 'I clean the toilet.'
Husband: 'How does that help?'
Wife: 'I use your toothbrush ..'     " wow!! now that's Nasty"
« Last Edit: July 06, 2009, 12:08:15 pm by David5o »

David5o

  • Guest
RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #52 on: July 06, 2009, 04:52:50 pm »
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 Its dark here

A Woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work.

Her nine-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, sees the illegal lovers
and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. Then the woman's husband
unexpectedly comes home.

She hides her lover in the cupboard, not realizing that her little boy
is in there already.

The little Boy says: "Dark in here."
The Man says: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a soccer ball, do you want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks." Boy:
 "My dad's outside, I'll call him if you don't buy it!"
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$200."

A few weeks later it happened again and the boy and the lover were in
the cupboard together again.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have soccer boots."
The Man, remembering the last time, asks the boy: "How much?"
The Boy says:"$300." The Man says: "Fine, I will buy them."

A few days later, the Father says to the boy: "Grab your ball and boots,
let's go outside and have a game." The Boy says: "I can't, I sold them for
$750
The Father says: "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that...
$750 is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to
church and make you confess your sins."

They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the door.

The Boy says: "Dark in here."
The Priest says: "Don't start that shit again you bloody idiot !"
This Is My Church Not Your Fathers  Bleeding House !!!

David5o

  • Guest
RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #53 on: July 07, 2009, 12:55:27 pm »
Women cannot live without Man

Woman has Man in it;

Mrs. has Mr. in it;

Female has Male in it;

She has He in it;

Madam has Adam in it;

No wonder men always want to be inside women!

Men were born between the legs of a woman, yet men spend most of their life and time trying to go back between the legs of a woman....

Why?

BECAUSE ......THERE IS NO PLACE LIKE HOME!!

Okay, Okay, so it all makes sense now... I never looked at it this way before:
Have you ever noticed how all of women's problems start with MEN too?

MEN tal illness

MEN strual cramps

MEN tal breakdown

MEN opause

GUY necologistK
GY

AND ..

When we have REAL trouble, it's a

HIS  terectomy.
HYS ............

This is for all the women you know, to brighten their day a little..... and

For all the men you know, well.......just to annoy them a little...

 
Try to Laugh more, ......There's more than enough to make you miserable

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Received from a friend working in China and Hong Kong!!......

Why am I Always Tired??
 
The population of this country is about 237 million.
104 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do ALL the work.

You and me....

And you're sitting at your BLOODY computer again, reading jokes...?????
« Last Edit: July 07, 2009, 01:10:11 pm by David5o »

David5o

  • Guest
RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #54 on: July 08, 2009, 05:48:20 pm »
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Qantas Airline Maintenance Log


After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction.

The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.
 

These below comments, are all absolutly True!!
By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has Never had an accident.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the mechanics.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
Road Signs To An Affair......
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8 American Doctors Stories.......



1..A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one. --Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX
 
2...At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," she remorsefully replied. --Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA
 
3...One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart." --Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada
 
4...I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam. --Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA
 
5...During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one. --Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA
 
6...While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bed-ridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered, "Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive." --Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR
 
7...I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So, how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly." --Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI
 
8...A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener." --won't admit his name
« Last Edit: July 08, 2009, 06:37:45 pm by David5o »

David5o

  • Guest
RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #55 on: July 09, 2009, 06:58:39 am »
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Testing childrens senses


A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first
year schoolchildren, using a bowl of fruit Polos (the fruit sweet with a hole). He gave all the
children the same kind of Polo, one at a time, and asked them to
identify them by colour and flavour.
The children began to say:-

"Red.............cherry,"

"Yellow.........lemon,"

"Green..........lime,"

"Orange........orange."

Finally the professor gave them all Honey Polos. After eating them
for a few moments none of the children could identify the taste.
"Well," he said "I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother
May sometimes call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror, spat hers out and yelled:

 
"Oh My God!!!! ....They're arse-holes!!"
 
YUK!!!!!

David5o

  • Guest
RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #56 on: July 09, 2009, 01:26:34 pm »
Army retirement bonus

The Army found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet. signed the contract and walked out with a bonus of £72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. on signing the contract he walked out with £96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Sergeant Major who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my penis to my testicles.' It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two officers had received. But the old Sergeant Major insisted and signed the contract. They decided to go along with him, providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Sergeant Major to 'drop 'em,' which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of his penis and began to work back. Dear Lord! 'he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where are your testicles?'

The old Sergeant Major (now with a wry smile creeping across his face),  replied, ........''Basra'' ......Sir!!!.
 
Now There's a Smart Ex Squaddie for you .....hahaha!!Army retirement bonus

The Army found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet. signed the contract and walked out with a bonus of £72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. on signing the contract he walked out with £96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Sergeant Major who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my penis to my testicles.' It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two officers had received. But the old Sergeant Major insisted and signed the contract. They decided to go along with him, providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Sergeant Major to 'drop 'em,' which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of his penis and began to work back. Dear Lord! 'he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where are your testicles?'

The old Sergeant Major (now with a wry old smile creeping across his face),  replied, ........''Basra'' ......Sir!!!.
 
Now There's a Smart Ex Squaddie for you  .....Just goes to show, ...you don't have to be a Commissioned Officer  to have Smarts.....hahaha!!
« Last Edit: July 09, 2009, 01:32:37 pm by David5o »

David5o

  • Guest
RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #57 on: July 09, 2009, 04:57:28 pm »
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Older Men



An older man had met a younger woman, but unfortunately he was unable to last very long before he would orgasm during sex. A caring man, he was concerned that he was disappointing his new lover, so he called his doctor for advice. The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it."

He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.

Finally, he realised his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to relieve himself sexually. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover.

As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"

He heard, "This is the police. What the hell are you doing?"

The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."

The cop says, "Well, you better check your brakes too, because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago.........
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Older Men

An older man had met a younger woman, but unfortunately he was unable to last very long before he would orgasm during sex. A caring man, he was concerned that he was disappointing his new lover, so he called his doctor for advice. The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it."

He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.

Finally, he realised his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to relieve himself sexually. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover.

As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"

He heard, "This is the police. What the hell are you doing?"

The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."

The cop says, "Well, you better check your brakes too, because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago.........
Game of intellgence!!


There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.

The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"

Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"

Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00

The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"

Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.
 
Not as dumb as she looked then .....huh!!
« Last Edit: July 09, 2009, 05:48:31 pm by David5o »

David5o

  • Guest
RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #58 on: July 09, 2009, 06:16:14 pm »
What do you want for Christmas?

A grandad asked his grandson what he wanted for Christmas.

"I want a bike, an iPod, some football boots and a Nintendo Wii," he replied.

"You know, .....When I was a boy," said grandad, "all I got was an orange and an apple."

"F**k me!" said the grandson, "a mobile phone AND a computer?"
 
You were well lucky in them days grandad......
 
Ah, ...the yooof of today!!
The Most Functiomal English Language Word

Apparently (and from a purely academic point of view  ) "fuck" is one of the most  versatile functional words in the English language ...


 
"Fuck" falls into many grammatical categories. It can be used as verb both transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was fucked by John). It can be an active verb (John really gives a fuck), or a passive verb (Mary really doesn't give a fuck), or a noun (Mary is a fine fuck). It can be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful). It should be obvious now that there are not many words as versatile as "fuck."

Besides its sexual connotation, this lovely word can be used to describe many situations:

Fraud: I got fucked by my insurance agent.
Dismay: Oh, fuck it!
Problem: I guess I'm fucked now.
Aggression: Fuck you.
Passive: Fuck me.
Confusion: What the fuck?
Difficulty: I can't understand this fucking business.
Despair: Fucked again.
Philosophical: Who gives a fuck?
Religious: Holy Fuck.
Incompetence: He's all fucked up.
Laziness: He just fucks about.
Displeasure: What the fuck is going on?
Rebellion: Fuck off!
Surprise: Fucking Incredible!

It can be used in descriptive anatomy - He's a fucking ass-hole.

It can be used to tell time - It's five fucking thirty.

It can be used in business - How did I get this fucking job?

It can be a prediction - Oh, will I get fucked.
 
The mind is fairly boggled at the many many creative uses. So how could anyone be offended when you say the word"fuck????"
« Last Edit: July 09, 2009, 06:21:26 pm by David5o »

David5o

  • Guest
RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #59 on: July 10, 2009, 04:44:03 am »
Women

"Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater.

 If you give her sperm, she'll give you baby.

If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.

If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.

If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.

She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.......

So, if you give her any crap, Just be ready to receive a whole TON of SHIT!!!!

And never a truer word has been said!!!! ...hahahaha!!
« Last Edit: July 10, 2009, 04:45:17 am by David5o »