JUST FOR A LAUGH

[David5o]

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER


Peter invited his mother for dinner, during the course of the meal;
his mother couldn't help but notice how lovely Peter's flat mate,
Joanne, was.

She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and
this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she
started to wonder if there was more between Peter and his flat mate
than met the eye.

Reading his mum's thoughts, Peter volunteered, 'I know what you must
be thinking, but I assure you, Joanne & I are just flat mates'.

About a week later, Joanne came to Peter saying, 'Ever since your
mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan, you
don't suppose she took it do you?

'Well I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her just to be sure' said Peter.

So he sat down and wrote

DEAR MOTHER,

I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID' TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE. I'M
NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID NOT' TAKE THE FRYING PAN BUT THE FACT REMAINS
THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER.

LOVE PETER

Several days later, Peter received an email from his mother which read

DEAR SON,

I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DO' SLEEP WITH JOANNE, AND I'M NOT SAYING
THAT YOU 'DO NOT' SLEEP WITH JOANNE, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF SHE
WAS SLEEPING IN HER OWN BED, SHE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE F**KING FRYING
PAN BY NOW.

LOVE MUM

Lesson of the day,

NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER

[David5o]

RELAXATION TIME


Face Memory Test


This test will determine if you're getting enough sleep or if your mind has really lost it!   The test consists of three parts:

You'll be shown 12 photos in the first part,

You'll be shown another 12 photos in the second part,
You'll be shown 48 photos in the third part and asked if you saw them in the first part, the second part - or never saw them at all.

When you have finished the third part, your results will be given to you.
 
Click on the below link to begin.  (And no, nothing is going to jump out and scare your pants off!  I promise!)




http://www.bbc.co.uk/science/humanbody/sleep/tmt/instructions_1.shtml


OK, ....THIS LINK NOW WORKS!!

[Voiceroveip]

David, the link is dead ... :huh:

[David5o]

Weddings & Funerals


I used to to hate weddings, all the old aunts would poke me and say "YOUR NEXT " they soon stopped that when i started doing the same thing to them at funerals!!.....

[David5o]

Patent Application



So I went to the Patent Office trying to register some of my inventions. I went to the main desk to sign in and the lady at the desk had a form that had to be filled out.

She wrote down my personal info and then asked me what I had invented.

I said, "A folding bottle."

She said, "Okay. What do you call it?"

"A Fottle."

"What else do you have?"

"A folding carton."

"What do you call it?"

"A Farton."

She snickered and said, "Those are silly names for products and one of them sounds kind of crude."

I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and left the office without even telling her about my folding bucket.

[David5o]

Positive Gardener


Just back from a trip abroad, the landlord rings up the gardener from the airport:
- So, everythings well at home ?
- Well almost, the shovel handle has got broken and I am fixing it.
- Why was it broken ?
- I must have too much strained it while digging a grave for your dog.
- Whaat ?? My dog died ?
- Yes, unfortunately he fell into the outdoor pool.
- But he was a very skilled swimmer, how could he possibly drown in the pool ?
- He didn’t drown, he plunged into the empty pool.
- But, we recently had it filled up, why did you empty the water ?
- The firemen needed water trying to hose down the fire..
- Whaat ? A fire broke out in my house ??
- Well, possibly one of the visitors neglecting to put out his smoke..You see last week many people came over to offer their condolences over your father’s sudden death.
- My God ! My father died ?? But he was quite up and well two weeks ago ?
- Well, I mean...he had a stroke when he caught your wife in a bed with another man..
- Damn ! For God’s sake, man don’t you ever have something positive to tell me ??
- Of course Sir...I was coming to that, you remember this HIV (AIDS) tests you had sometime ago? Well, the results just came in from the lab... all positive..

[David5o]

So That's When The Fight Started....



My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started....


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 160 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started....



When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive...

so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started...


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started....

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I; sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since..'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...


A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror..
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....


I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
In stead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And then the fight started....


My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big.

I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday

and then the fight started.....


A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy crap. That must be my husband!'
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed h imself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
A few mi nutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'

The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'

And then the fight started.....


Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different an ticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 10 years replied,

'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'

And then the fight started ...

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary? "
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.. So I suggested,

"How about the kitchen?"

And that's when the fight started....


My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said,

"Then I'd like to phone a friend ."

And that's when the fight started....

[David5o]

Some Adult Only Fun Pix And Catoons....

[MLM]

Just a thought, has any one heard or seen hide or hair of Okie_Rob? :huh:

[David5o]

_____________________________________________

Brainy stuff?!!?!?


Count Every " F" in the following text:

FINISHED FILES ARE THE RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC STUDY COMBINED WITH THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS...

Really, now go Back and Try to find the actual ''6'' F's that are in this sentance!!!!



 Brain Stuff  ....From Cambridge University .


Only 60% of people can read this..... CAN YOU??
 
Olny srmat poelpe can raed tihs. cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was so ipmorantt! Wlel, i spusope it is for the oethr 40% of peploe ......



________________________________________________




Talking Dogs?


A young jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to university, but halfway through the semester he foolishly has squandered all of his money.
He calls home. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe what modern education is developing. They actually have a program here in Brisbane that will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk."
"That's amazing!" his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $2,000," the young jackaroo says, "I'll get him in the course."
So ... his father sends the dog and $2,000.
About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home. "So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?" his father wants to know.
"Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm. But you just won't believe this. They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the animals how to read."
"Read?!" exclaims his father. "No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?"
"Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class."
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.
"Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news.
Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal. Then he suddenly turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead barmaid at the pub?'"
The father groans and whispers, "I hope you shot that bastard before he talks to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"

That kid went on to be a successful lawyer.

Who would ever have believed it!!!  ''I can't really imply that Lawyers are devious now can I?!!"

Well, not until I've consulted my lawyer anyway!!!!!...haha!!

[David5o]

Drink-dry cleaning


"Bartender, gimme 'nother drink, says a very drunk man.
"Sorry sir," replies the bartender. "I have to cut you off."

"Just gimme another drink."

"O.K. I''ll make a deal with you. I''ll give you another drink and call you a cab. When the cab comes, regardless of whether you''re done or not you have to go."

"Thass a good deal," the drunk says. He gets his drink and immediately pukes all over his own shirt. "Oh shit, what am I gonna do now? My wife's gonna kill me."

"Relax," the bartender says, "give me a five-dollar bill." The bartender folds up the bill and puts it in the guy''s shirt pocket. "When you get home, tell your wife you were in the bar and some drunk puked on you and gave you five bucks to have your shirt cleaned."

"Thass a great idea!"

When the drunk gets home his wife answers the door. "WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? LOOK AT YOUR SHIRT! WHAT HAPPENED?"

He tried to put on his most sober voice and said, "Relaaaax honey, some drunk guy puked on me and gave me five bucks to have my shirt cleaned."

The drunk's wife reaches in his pocket, grabs the money, and says, "THERE'S TEN BUCKS HERE!"

"Oh yeah, I forgot to tell yeah, ...the bastarrrrd shit in my pants, too!!!!!"

[David5o]

Great Cypriot Sex


The Jewish man said, 'Last week, my wife and I had great sex.
I rubbed her body all over with schmaltz (goose fat).

We made passionate love and she screamed for five full minutes at the end!'

The Frenchman boasted, 'Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter.

We then made passionate love and she screamed for fifteen minutes!'

The Cypriot man said, 'Well, last week my wife and I also had sex.
I rubbed her body all over with olive oil. We made love and she screamed for over 3 hours!'
The other two were stunned.

The amazed Frenchman asked, 'What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for 3 hours?'

The Cypriot man said, 'Well, .....I wiped my hands on the bedspread!'


___________________________________________



Thought For the Day !!!


Handle every situation like a dog.

If you can't eat it or hump it.

Piss on it and walk away.

[David5o]

Oh To Be 12 Again...

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at
herself in the mirror.

Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for
her Birthday.

'I'd like to be twelve again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl
of Coco Pops, and then took her to Alton Towers theme park.

What a day!

He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Corkscrew, the
Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.


Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.


Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a Mc Donald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with
extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to the cinema with popcorn, a huge Cola, and her favourite
sweets............M&M's.



What a fabulous adventure!



Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear,
what was it like being twelve again?'


Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I meant my
dress size, you retard!!!!'


The moral of the story: Even when a man IS  listening, he is still gonna get it
WRONG!!!!.


Hmmmmm!! ...Sounds like a fat 12 year old then!!!


___________________________________________________

[David5o]

Rectum Stretcher...



While she was "flying" down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?" To which she replied, "I'm late for work "Oh yea said the cop. What do you do? "I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded. The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher! ! ? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?" Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide." "And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked. You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

 Traffic Ticket $95.00 Court Costs $45.00 Look on the Cop's Face... PRICELESS___________________________________________________



Friday Night Joke!!!


A man was in a long line at his local Tesco store.
As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register.

She asked, 'What size condoms?' The customer replied that he didn't
know.

She asked him to drop his trousers. He did.

She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over
the intercom, 'One box of large condoms, Till 5.'

The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of
us, was up for a cheap thrill. When he got up to the register, he told
the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she
could have some brought to the register for him.
She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know. She
asked him to drop his trousers. He did.

She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, 'One box
of medium-sized condoms, Till 5.'

A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had
seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact
with a live female, so he thought this was his chance.

When he got to the till he told the checker he needed some condoms.

She asked him what size and he said he didn't know. She asked him to
drop his trousers and he did.

She reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze then picked
up the intercom and said...

'  'One box of medium-sized condoms, and a Mop and bucket, to Till 5'

_____________

[David5o]

________________________________________________________________



The Pharmacist And The Boy....


virgin girl is on the phone and asks her boyfriend to come

over and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a

big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that

after dinner, she would like to go out and make love

for the first time.
 

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex

before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get

some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and

the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.

He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and

sex.
 

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many

condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family

pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he

thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
 

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents

house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm

so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"


The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table

where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly

offers to say grace and bows his head.
 

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer,

with his head down.
 

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
 

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the

girlfriend leans over and whispers to the

boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
 

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your

father was a pharmacist."