JUST FOR A LAUGH

[David5o]

_____


Little Ralphy's World!!...


A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'

She calls on little Ralphy.

He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'

The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'

Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?'

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, ' Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'

To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'



LITTLE RALPHY ON MATHS

Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

'Why?' asks the father?

'The teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3,''I said '6', replies RALPHY.

'But that's right!' says his dad.

'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''

'What's the f**kin' difference?' asks the father.

'That's what I said!'



LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH

Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says,'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

RALPHY says, 'Mas-tur-bate.'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.'

Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'



LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR

Little RALPHY was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!'

The teacher replied, 'Now, RALPHY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.'

Little RALPHY, thinks for a bit, and then says, 'You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!'



LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'

'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. 'My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'

She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY. 'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f**kin' beautiful!''



LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER

Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench, munching! on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'

Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'

The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'

Little RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own f**kin' business.'


That's Little RALPHY For You, ....personally if he was mine, i'd throttle him!!!  lol!!

[David5o]

You Just Can't Fix Stupid!!!


ONE/   Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. 'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter. 'You don't?' I replied. 'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply. 'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?' 'That's right.' So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets



TWO/   I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. A fter the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?' I said to her 'I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today.' She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.



THREE/   A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.'



FOUR/   I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. ' Do you need some help?' I asked. She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?' 'Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked. 'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk.'



FIVE/   Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?' 'Just use copier machine paper,' the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.



SIX/   I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in 'Twister.' I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the 'cruise control' and then went in the back to make a sandwich.



SEVEN/   My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: 'I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?'



EIGHT/   Police in Radnor , Pa. interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message 'He's lying' was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the 'lie detector' was working, the suspect confessed.



NINE/   A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and it should be fine. The mother says, I just gave him some ant killer..... Dispatcher: Rush him in to emergency room!



Life is tough. And It get's even tougher when you're stupid!!! And YES!! They Do Walk Among Us!!

[David5o]

Banks!!!!


I'm told, ....This is an article that first appeared in Punch magazine in 1957... it appears little or Nothing has changed between then and now.


Q: What are banks for?

A: To make money.

Q: For the customers?

A: For the banks.

Q: Why doesn't bank advertising mention this?

A: It would not be in good taste. But it is mentioned by implication in references to reserves of £249,000,000,000 or thereabouts. That is the money they have made.

Q: Out of the customers?

A: I suppose so.

Q: They also mention Assets of £500,000,000,000 or thereabouts. Have they made that too?

A: Not exactly. That is the money they use to make money.

Q: I see. And they keep it in a safe somewhere?

A: Not at all. They lend it to customers.

Q: Then they haven't got it?

A: No.

Q: Then how is it Assets?

A: They maintain that it would be if they got it back.

Q: But they must have some money in a safe somewhere?

A: Yes, usually £500,000,000,000 or thereabouts. This is called Liabilities.

Q: But if they've got it, how can they be liable for it?

A: Because it isn't theirs.

Q: Then why do they have it?

A: It has been lent to them by customers.

Q: You mean customers lend banks money?

A: In effect. They put money into their accounts, so it is really lent to the banks.

Q: And what do the banks do with it?

A: Lend it to other customers.

Q: But you said that money they lent to other people was Assets?

A: Yes.

Q: Then Assets and Liabilities must be the same thing?

A: You can't really say that.

Q: But you've just said it! If I put £100 into my account the bank is liable to have to pay it back, so it's Liabilities. But they go and lend it to someone else and he is liable to have to pay it back, so it's Assets. It's the same £100 isn't it?

A: Yes, but...

Q: Then it cancels out. It means, doesn't it, that banks haven't really any money at all?

A: Theoretically...

Q: Never mind theoretically! And if they haven't any money, where do they get their Reserves of £249,000,000,000 or thereabouts??

A: I told you. That is the money they have made.

Q: How?

A: Well, when they lend your £100 to someone they charge him interest.

Q: How much?

A: It depends on the Bank Rate. Say five and a-half percent. That's their profit.

Q: Why isn't it my profit? Isn't it my money?

A: It's the theory of banking practice that...

Q: When I lend them my £100 why don't I charge them interest?

A: You do.

Q: You don't say. How much?

A: It depends on the Bank Rate. Say a half percent.

Q: Grasping of me, rather?

A: But that's only if you're not going to draw the money out again.

Q: But of course I'm going to draw the money out again! If I hadn't wanted to draw it out again I could have buried it in the garden!

A: They wouldn't like you to draw it out again.

Q: Why not? If I keep it there you say it's a Liability. Wouldn't they be glad if I reduced their Liabilities by removing it?

A: No. Because if you remove it they can't lend it to anyone else.

Q: But if I wanted to remove it they'd have to let me?

A: Certainly.

Q: But suppose they've already lent it to another customer?

A: Then they'll let you have some other customers money.

Q: But suppose he wants his too....and they've already let me have it?

A: You're being purposely obtuse.

Q: I think I'm being acute. What if everyone wanted their money all at once?

A: It's the theory of banking practice that they never would.

Q: So what banks bank on, is not having to meet their commitments?

A. YOU GOT IT!

[David5o]

The Rules - The Mans Version!!!


The Mans' Rules - At last a man has taken the time to write this all down

Finally, the mans' side of the story. (I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear 'The Rules' From the 'female side'.

Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered '1' ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem.
See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of them makes you sad or angry, then we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done. Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle, besides we know you will bring it up again later.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to,! Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Rugby , football information,or golf

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.


Here's another two, .... tho' not related:

"New Barbie on the market. Comes with no shoes, no clothes, no make-up, no car, no food, no house, no farm. It's called Zimbarbie! She does however have a pet cow - Mooogabee!'

Great News... Apple have come out with the I-tit

A microchip is inserted in the woman's breast with a 8gb drive, music Mp3's radio all inclusive

Now they cant complain that all we do is look but never listen!!!

[David5o]

No Money For Underware!!!


The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place
her
ball,
a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivees?" Oleg demanded.

"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any."

The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says,
"For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some
underwear."

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee.
Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies.

"Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?"

She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me."

Patrick reaches into his pocket andsays,
"For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some
underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over.
The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too,
is
naked under it.

"Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?"

She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money tae be able tae
affarrd any."

Murdo reaches into his pocket and says,
"Well, fer the love 'O decency, here's a comb..... Tidy yerself up a
bit."


_____________________________________________



 
FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE:



1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.

[David5o]

Do You See It???






This is just Really clever!!!

_______________________________________-



Best Features!!!!


A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his     mailbox.
 
 While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to
 The mailboxes, wearing a robe.

 The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

 As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had
 
 nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye
 
 contact After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said,
 
 "Let's go to my apartment,..... I hear someone coming."
 

 He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.
 
Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your
Ears."
 
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts;
they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm
And solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the > best part of my body is my ears?"


Clearing his throat, he stammered .. "Outside, when you said you heard
someone coming, ..... Well, That Was Me!!!"

[rockycoon]

Scottish-Rob is going to teach english to chinese.  It's one thing to hear a chinese try to speak english, another totally to hear him try to speak english with a scottish brogg.  To get the real hang of this, as I was kidding with Rob. I happen to watch a DVD last night entitled The Best of Benny Hill.  If you cannot think of how this would sound, you ought to see Benny Hill as a chinaman talking with the scottish immagration guy...it is too much to handle.  I laughed so hard when I saw this I fell out of my chair.  You got to see this.  Good luck Rob in your english classes....LOL LOL

[David5o]

New Job....


A young man goes into the Job Center in Kansas City, Kansas and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested he goes to learn more.

'Can you give me some more details about this?' he asks the guy behind the desk.

The Job Center man sorts through his files & replies - 'Oh yes here it is:
The job entails you getting the lady patients ready for the gynecologist.

You have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down and carefully wash their genital regions. You then apply shaving foam and gently shave off all their pubic hair, then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynecologist's examination.
There's an annual salary of $45,000, but you're going to have to go to Wichita, Kansas. That's about 120 miles from here.'

'Oh why, is that where the job's at?'

'No sir - That's where the end of the line is right now...!!!!'



____________________________________________


Small Head and a Fishy Tale!!!


A man is sitting in the bar when he notices another patron a few
stools away. The guy had a body like Charles Atlas but his head
was the size of a thimble.

The first man said, "Please excuse me for staring but I can't
help but be curious as to why your body is so well developed but
your head is so small." The man says, "Buy me a drink and I'll
tell you." The drink was bought and the story began.

"I was in the navy and my ship was sunk by a torpedo. I was the
only survivor and I managed to make it to a deserted island a
few miles away. I had been there for several months and was
sitting on the beach one day waiting for a bird or a fish to
come by, so I would have something to eat. Looking up I saw a
mermaid sunning on a nearby rock. She swam over to me and
informed me that she was a magical mermaid and could grant me 3
wishes.

"Great, I'd like to be rescued." She slapped the water with her
tail and a ship appeared, sailing straight for my island.

Next I asked for a body like Charles Atlas. Another slap of her
tail and here it is.

Then noticing how beautiful she was and all my other wished
fulfilled I asked if I could make love to her. She said no, it
just wouldn't work, her being half fish and all, so I said
"Well, how about a little head then?"

[David5o]

20 Lashes....

An Englishman, an Australian and an Frenchman are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when, all of a sudden, Saudi police rush in and arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they are able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment.

By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

The Australian was first in line, he thought for a while and then said:
"Please tie a pillow to my back. This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done he had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.

The Frenchman was next up. After watching the Australian in horror he said smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the Frenchman was soon led away whimpering loudly.

The Englishman was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"

"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness", The Englishman replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave". The Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish, what is it to be?" the Sheikh asked.

"Tie the Frenchman to my back."

Sorry to the Frenchmen here, ....but i didn't write the joke!!  lol!!

[Buzz]

THE POTTY:

A LITTLE THREE YEAR OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE
TOILET. HIS MOTHER THINKS HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG, SO SHE GOES IN TO SEE WHAT'S UP.
  THE LITTLE BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET READING A BOOK. BUT ABOUT EVERY 10 SECONDS OR SO HE PUTS THE BOOK DOWN, GRIPS ON TO TO THE TOILET SEAT WITH HIS LEFT HAND AND HITS HIMSELF ON TOP OF THE HEAD WITH
HIS RIGHT HAND.
HIS MOTHER SAYS: "BILLY, ARE YOU ALL
RIGHT?YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR A WHILE.
BILLY SAYS:  "I'M FINE, MOMMY.. I JUST
HAVEN'T GONE 'DOODY' YET."
MOTHER SAYS: "OK, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW
MORE MINUTES.BUT,  BILLY,  WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?"




 
BILLY SAYS: "IT WORKS FOR KETCHUP."
 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------This is very funny.  Turn up the sound and have a good old fashion laugh.

 
 
A New Form Of Candid Camera

 http://media.mtvnservices.com/mgid:cms:mvideo:cmt.com:40319

[rockycoon]

NOT knowing where to post this information, I figure this place gets read the most, so hear goes.  While listening to PBS "PUBLIC BROADCASTING SERVICE" today, I heard on the news that the Chinese are taking lessons from the mexicans, the chinese are sneaking or going into mexico, they they get coyotes "human guides" to sneek them into the US.  So far hundreds of chinese have been busted by the border patrol sneeking into the US with mexicans.  If this keeps up, there will be no reason to go to chnlove, instead you just have to take a trip to mexico......:dodgy:

[shaun]

NOT knowing where to post this information, I figure this place gets read the most, so hear goes.  While listening to PBS "PUBLIC BROADCASTING SERVICE" today, I heard on the news that the Chinese are taking lessons from the mexicans, the chinese are sneaking or going into mexico, they they get coyotes "human guides" to sneek them into the US.  So far hundreds of chinese have been busted by the border patrol sneeking into the US with mexicans.  If this keeps up, there will be no reason to go to chnlove, instead you just have to take a trip to mexico......:dodgy:

Hey now that is an idea.  I know how to get around down there and it is really cheap to stay there.  I grew up in one of the border cities.  Since a lot of the manufacturing facilities from America it shouldn't be hard to find work over there. Hmmmmm........... :icon_cheesygrin:

[David5o]

The Pasta Diet and Your Health


ITALIAN PASTA DIET -- IT REALLY WORKS !!

1.. You walk pasta da bakery.

2... You walka pasta da candy store.

3.. You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.

4.. You walka pasta da table and fridge.

You will lose weight!

AND....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health.


1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than
the English.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

5.. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

[rockycoon]

shawn, let me know when your ready to sneek across the border and I'll hook you up with a good coyote.  He is cheap and reliable.  ten thousand illegal mexicans can't be wrong....:icon_cheesygrin:   Do you speak spanish?  Hope you don't have claustrphobia, cause those car trunks are getting smaller....LOL

[Vince G]

Gynecologist's Assistant
 
A retired man went into the Job Center in Downtown Denver, and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.
 
The clerk pulled up the file and read;  "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination."  "The annual salary is $65,000, and you'll have to go to Billings, MT,  that's about 550 miles from here."  
 
"Good grief, is that where the job is?" 

"No sir -- that's where the end of the line is right now.