JUST FOR A LAUGH

[David5o]

The Queen and Dolly Parton Go To Heaven......


Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day,
so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.
The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.'

The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down. Then, wees into a toilet and pulls the lever.

The Angel says, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go in.'

Dolly is outraged and asks, 'What was that all about?

I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She wees into a toilet and she gets in! Would you explain that to me?'

'Sorry, Dolly,' says the Angel, ''but even in Heaven, a Royal Flush beats a Pair - no matter how big they are''.



____________________________________________


Little Johnny....


Little Johnny runs into his parents room to find his Dad on top of his Mum. He is horrified.

His dad turns around and looks at Johnny...laughs...and tells him to get out.

The next day the Dad hears strange sounds coming from Little Johnny's room.

He goes in and is horrified to find Johnny on top of his Grandma.

Little Johnny turns around and says:

"Not so funny when it's your Mum is it''!!

[Vince G]

Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect backwoods camping and fishing trip.

Two days before the group is to leave, John's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

John's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find John sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and fish cooking on the fire.

Damn man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said 'Guess who'?"

I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see- through nightie. She took my hand and took me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs and ropes!

She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did. And then she said, "do whatever you want."

Here I am.

[David5o]

Proof That The World Is Nuts


In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.  

(Like THAT makes sense.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

(Do they look different reversed?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

(A brick?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

(Much worse than 'going blind!')
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time
Reason: under Guam  law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.
The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.

(Ah! Justice!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores.

(But of course!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Cali,  Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

In Santa Cruz,  Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only 'in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.'

(Is this a great country or what?

Well, not as great as Guam  !)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Who volunteers for these tests?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

(From drinking little bottles of???)

(Did our government pay for this research??)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Ah, geez.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Starfish don't have brains.

(I know some people like that, too.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

And, the best for last?

Turtles can breathe through their butts.

(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)

Thank you all for reading this, if you need to reach me in the future I will be in Guam !!!!!!

[David5o]

ONE FOR SCOTTISH ROB!!

A Caledonian Christmas




A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”

'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says. “We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

Franticly, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they're getting divorced!” she shouts, “I'll take care of this!”

She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Sorted! They're coming for Christmas - and ......they're paying their ''own'' way!!!'

[David5o]

Work Out your Age By Chocolate?




YOUR AGE BY CHOCOLATE MATH


Don't tell me your age; you'd probably lie anyway-but the Hershey Man will know!
 
This is pretty neat.

DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!
It takes less than a minute .
Work this out as you read .
Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out!
This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun.


1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have chocolate (more than once but less than 10)


2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)

3. Add 5

4. Multiply it by 50 -- I'll wait while you get the calculator

5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1759 ..
If you haven't, add 1758.

6.. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.

 
  You should have a three digit number




The first digit of this was your original number
(i.e., how many times you want to have chocolate each week).




The next two numbers are ''YOUR AGE!!! ..... (Oh YES, it is!!!!!)''


THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2009) IT WILL EVER WORK!!!!  

__________________________________________________



Come To Work Happy!


An innovative way to ensure your employees (especially the senior ones) continue coming to work looking just as happy even during the current severe global economic crisis amidst pay cuts and reduced fringe benefits.....


http://f261.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f793225%5fAJC2ktkAAGJISwjH8Au20RC05Uo&pid=2&fid=Inbox&inline=1

[David5o]

Come to work Happy!

An innovative way to ensure your employees (especially the senior ones) continue coming to work looking just as happy even during the current severe global economic crisis amidst pay cuts and reduced fringe benefits.....


http://f261.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f793225%5fAJC2ktkAAGJISwjH8Au20RC05Uo&pid=2&fid=Inbox&inline=1

[David5o]

Daddy's Phone Call OMG!!!.....


**Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,**


**'Hello?'**

**'Hi honey.**
**This is Daddy.**
**Is Mommy near the phone?'**  

**'No, Daddy.**
**She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'**
 
**After a brief pause,**

 **Daddy says,**
**'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'**
 
**'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,**
**Right now..'**

 Brief Pause.

**'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**
**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**
**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy**
**That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'**

**'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'**

**A few minutes later**
**The little girl comes back to the phone.**

**'I did it, Daddy.'**

**'And what happened, honey?' **

**'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no
clothes on and ran around screaming.**
**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**
**And now she isn't moving at all!'**

 **'Oh my God!!!  What about your Uncle Paul?'**

**'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.**
**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**
**And into the swimming pool.**
**But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water**
**Last week to clean it.**
**He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'**


*****Long Pause*****  

*****Longer Pause*****

 *****Even Longer Pause*****

**Then Daddy says,**

**'Swimming pool?  .....................**
**Is this 486-5731?'*

**No, I think you have the wrong number........I thought you sounded a little different to daddy!!!**

**Ooooooooooops!!!! Sorry!!The Secret To Long Life!!...

[attachment=1071]



A doctor on his morning walk, noticed this very old lady,
sitting on her front step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said,
"I couldn't help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?"
 
"I smoke ten cigars a day," she said.  "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint.
Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food, no vegetables.
On weekends, I pop pills, get laid, and don't exercise at all."
 
"WOW!!That is absolutely amazing! Just how old are you?"
"Thirty-eight," she replied.

[David5o]

A Brain Teaser....


My friend sent this to me but I was not smart enough to figure it out. Perhaps, you can do better. I could not figure it out and had to look at the answer.

See if you can figure out what these words have in common.  

1)  Banana
2)  Dresser
3)  Grammar
4 ) Potato
5)  Revive
6)  Uneven
7)  Assess
.
.
.
.
.    
Are you peeking or have you already given up?
 
 .
 .
 
 .

Give it another try.   Look at each word carefully.
 
(You'll kick yourself when you discover the answer.)


This Is Cool.
 
 
 

Answer:   No, it is not that they all have at least 2 double letters.    

 

Answer:




In all of the words listed, if you take the first letter, place it at the end of the word, and then spell the word backwards, it will be the same word.

I Wonder HOW MANY Of You Worked It OUT Correctly???

[David5o]

________________________________________


Million $ Questions.....
 

1/
Q: Why are condoms transparent?
A: So that sperms can at least enjoy the scenery even if there is Restricted access!!!!

 
2/
Signboard outside a prostitute's house:
Married MEN not allowed. We serve the  Needy, ....not the Greedy!!!...


3/
New AIDS awareness slogan:
Try different positions with the same woman instead of the same position with different women.


 
4/
Q:Why is $ex like shaving?
A:Well, because no matter how well you do it today... tomorrow you'll have to do it all over again...


5/
Q:  What will happen if earth rotates 30 times faster?
A:  Men will get their salary everyday and women will bleed to death.


 
6/
Q: Why do 90% gals have left boob bigger than right?
A: Bcoz 90% of boys are Right handed!!!.


7/
Q: What is the difference between a PANTY & a STAGE CURTAIN?
A: When you pull down the STAGE CURTAIN, the show is over, but when you pull down the PANTY..... it's SHOWTIME!!!!


 
8/
Q: What is the similarity between a wife and a chewing gum?
A: Both are sweet in the beginning but become tasteless and shapeless later


9/
Advantages of having an affair with a married women.

They give like hell.
They do not yell.
They do not tell.
They do not swell, and there is no Wedding Bell!


10/
My dad told me that if Adam and Eve were Chinese, we would be still in Paradise.
 
Why? Because they would have eaten the snake instead of that Bloody Apple....

[David5o]

The Massage....

Why she changed hotels !

Last week, I checked into the Four Seasons in Palm Beach and was a bit lonely. I thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."
I looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony -a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and I felt quite certain I could bounce a quarter off his well oiled butt.... you get the picture. I figured, what the heck, I'll give him a call.
"Hello, ma'am, how may I help you?" . . . Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!
Afraid I would lose my nerve if I hesitated I rushed right in, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage, I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night -tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything baby. Now
how does that sound?"

He says, "Oh my God... that sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."__________________________________________


So how bad is traditional British Achitechrure???   ..lol!!






Click to enlarge

[David5o]

The Sniffer Dog

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.
The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he was a DEA agent and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'. "His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."

The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the agent said, "Watch this."
He told Sniffer to "search". Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the
agent's arm. The agent said, "Good boy", and he turned to the man and said, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.

"Say, that's pretty neat," replied the first man.
Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm. The agent said, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police."

"I like it!" said his seat mate.
The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent whining, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to shit all over the place.

The first man was really grossed out by this behavior and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asked the agent "What's going on?"

The agent nervously replied, "Oh Shit,  ...He's Just Found a Bomb!!!!."

[David K]

ADAM- of Genisis in the Bible fame ...

Q:  Why was ADAM a BAPTIST??

A:  Because only a BAPTIST would stand in front of a naked woman and be more interested in a piece of fruit  :icon_biggrin:  [attachment=1108]

[Vince G]

If Adam and Eve where chinese they would have eaten the snake first ??

[David5o]

Camilla's New Shoes

Camilla bought shoes for her wedding which got increasingly tighter as the day went on.
After the festivities were over, Camilla flopped on the bed and said 'Please remove my shoes darling,
ones feet are killing one.' Ever obedient, the Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour but it would not budge. 'Harder' yelled Camilla. Harder?' 'I'm trying darling! But it's just so bloody tight!'
'Come on give it all you've got ' she cried. Finally when it released, Charles let out a big groan, and Camilla
exclaimed 'Oh God, that feels so good.'
In their bedroom next door The Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said See, I told you she would still be a virgin with a face like that!' Meanwhile back in the other bedroom Charles was attempting to remove
the other shoe when he cried out 'Oh god, darling this ones even tighter'

At which point Prince Phillip turned and said "once a navy boy always a navy boy"


____________________________________________


Halloween For Dogs

Click on the pics to enlarge

[Vince G]

I had to share this. He had it up only a couple of days. To many complaints and a few accidents in front of his home, some people attempted to fix the ladder and climb up to rescue. Click on the pic to see in full.

 [attachment=1144]