JUST FOR A LAUGH

[David5o]

Sister Mary


Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence. The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."

Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You can speak two words."

Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed."

"I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed."

After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest. "You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine.

"Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.

On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office. "You may say two words today."

"I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine!

"It's probably best", said the Priest, "You've done fuck all but moan since you've been here."

[David5o]

Politically Incorrect


A little Mexican boy goes into the kitchen where his mom is

baking. He puts his hand in the flour and wipes it all over

his face.


"Mom, look, I'm a white boy." His mom slaps him in

the face and says "Go show your father".


He goes to his dad in the living room and says "Look papa,

I'm a white boy." His dad slaps him hard in the face and

says "Go show your grandmother."


The boy goes in his grandmothers room and says "Mira,

abuelita, I'm a white boy " His grandmother slaps him in

the face and sends him back to his mother.


His mother says "See. Did you learn anything from that?"


To which the boy replies, "I Sure did. I have only been white

for five minutes and already, I don't like you Mexicans.

[David5o]

The Half-Wit!!!


A man owned a small Ranch In Texas. The Texas Work Force Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.

"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.

The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board.

Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to ... the half-wit," says the agent.

"That would be me," replied the Rancher.

[Paul Todd]

Anti Racist Joke 01
“Now you see him, now you don’t, now you see him, now you don’t” A Racist on a Zebra crossing (didn’t say what colour the racist was)

Anti Racist Joke 02
2 racists walk into a bar. Ouch, Ouch

Anti Racist Joke 03
5 more racists walk into the same bar as the other 2. Ouch, Ouch, Ouch, Ouch, Ouch

Anti Racist Joke 04
A fat racist and a skinny racist jump off a cliff. Who wins? Society

Anti Racist Joke 05
An apartment of 3 floors lives 3 families, A White family, a Black family and a Racist family. At 2pm on a normal working day, a fire breaks out and burns the building to the ground, which family dies? The Racist family, Because with the others at 2pm the parents are out at work and the kids are at school.

Anti Racist Joke 06
Why don’t racists like blowjobs? They don’t like any jobs

Anti Racist Joke 07
Why is a racist like a dog? Both mark their territory with shit

Anti Racist Joke 08
Why is a racist like a Racing commentator? Both start shouting when a new race starts

Anti Racist Joke 09
Have you heard the one about the racist who choked on Yogurt? He found out there was a foreign culture in it

Anti Racist Joke 10
How do you confuse a racist? Write PTO on both sides of a piece of paper

Anti Racist Joke 11
How do you get a one-armed racist out of a tree? Wave

Anti Racist Joke 12
How do you get a racist to laugh on a Sunday? Tell them a joke on Friday

Anti Racist Joke 13
How does a racist pick his nose? From the mail-order catalogue.

Anti Racist Joke 14
How does a racist steal a bike? Picks it up and runs

Anti Racist Joke 15
How many Nazis does it take to change a light bulb? 100. 1 to change the bulb and 99 to deny it ever happened

Anti Racist Joke 16
How many racists does it take to change a light bulb? 100. 1 to change the bulb and 99 to deny that the last bulb ever burned out.

Anti Racist Joke 17
How many racists does it take to change a light bulb? None, racists hate being enlightened

Anti Racist Joke 18
My racist has got no nose. How does he smell? Terrible

Anti Racist Joke 19
What did the racist do with a packet of M&M’s? Put them in alphabetical order.

Anti Racist Joke 20
What did the racist put on his job application form under the section “Sign here”? Sagittarius

Anti Racist Joke 21
What do you call 10,000 racists under the sea? A good start

Anti Racist Joke 22
What do you call a racist abortion centre? Crime stoppers

Anti Racist Joke 23
What Do you call a racist wearing a suit? Jim Davidson

Anti Racist Joke 24
What do you call a Racist wearing a Suit? Jim Davidson in court on a drink Driving Charge AGAIN!!!

Anti Racist Joke 25
What do you call a racist wearing a suit? Officer

Anti Racist Joke 26
What do you call a racist wearing a suit? The accused

Anti Racist Joke 27
What do you call a racist with 2 brain cells? Pregnant

Anti Racist Joke 28
What do you call a racist with a high IQ score? A Cheat

Anti Racist Joke 29
What do you get if you cross a racist with an Italian? Someone who gives you an offer they don’t understand.

Anti Racist Joke 30
What does a racist and a drunk have in common? Whatever both say ends in a slur

Anti Racist Joke 31
What does a racist and a sperm cell have in common? Only one in a million work.

Anti Racist Joke 32
What does a racist and an apple have in common? They both look good hanging from a tree

Anti Racist Joke 33
What happened to the racists snow tyres? They melted

Anti Racist Joke 34
What should you do with a group of racists? Hate them all for existing and put them all on a boat and send them back where they came from.

Anti Racist Joke 35
What’s Red, White and peels? A Ku Klux Klan member trying to get a suntan

Anti Racist Joke 36
What’s the best way to circumcise a racist? Kick his Sister-in-law in the jaw

Anti Racist Joke 37
What’s the definition of confused? Tell a Nazi the Holocaust didn’t happen

Anti Racist Joke 38
What’s the difference between a racist and a bucket of sludge? The Bucket

Anti Racist Joke 39
What’s the difference between a racist and a Pizza? A Pizza can feed a family of four.

Anti Racist Joke 40
What’s the difference between a Schoolyard racist and Adolph Hitler? Opportunity

Anti Racist Joke 41
What’s the most confusing day for a racist? Fathers Day

Anti Racist Joke 42
What’s the difference between a ghost and a racist? One is a sheet-wearing spook who tries to scare people out of their homes, and the other one is a dead guy.

Anti Racist Joke 43
What’s the difference between a racist’s house and a porcupine? With the porcupine, the pricks are on the outside.

Anti Racist Joke 44
What’s the difference between a redneck and a racist? A redneck will sleep with any of his cousins, but a racist only sleeps with them if they’re white.

Anti Racist Joke 45
Why did the Black fella, a Paddy Irishman and a Jewish kike cross the road? To beat up the racist on the other side.

Anti Racist Joke 46
Why didn’t the racist cross the road? He was afraid of the other side.

Anti Racist Joke 47
Why do racists compete on skin colour? If they competed on brains they would lose.

Anti Racist Joke 48
Why do racists smell so bad? So Blind people can hate them too

Anti Racist Joke 49
Why do racists stink of pee? Aftershave

Anti Racist Joke 50
A man walks into a Private Hospital for a Brain transplant.The doctor shows the patient 3 brains and 3 price tags next to each brain. The patient can choose which brain he wants.

A White mans brain £500
A Black mans brain £500
A Racists mans brain £2000

Patient asks why the Racist brain costs so much

Doctor replies “Cos. it’s never been used”

[Martin]

I am not racist...I hate everyone equally!

[ttwjr32]

the dad rules are good

 one question david   were do you get this stuff??

[Voiceroveip]

A Chinese man arranged for a hooker to come to his room for the evening. Once in the room they undressed, climbed into bed, and went at it. When finished, the Chinese man jumped up, ran over to the window, took a deep breath, dove under the bed, climbed out the other side, jumped back into bed with the hooker and commenced a repeat performance.

The hooker was impressed with the gusto of the second encounter. When finished, the Chinese man jumped up, ran over to the window, took a deep breath, dove under the bed, climbed out the other side, jumped back into bed with the hooker and started again!

The hooker was amazed at this sequence. During the fifth encounter, she decided to try it herself. When they were done she jumped up, went to the window and took a deep breath of fresh air, dove under the bed to find 4 other Chinese men.


----------------
ConFuSciouS SayS:

"man who run in front of car get tired"
"man who run behind car get exhausted"
"man with one hand in pocket not neccessarily jingling change"
"To prevent hangover stay drunk!"
"Passionate kiss like spider's web - soon lead to undoing of fly."
"Virginity like bubble. One prick - all gone!"
"Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ."
"Man who walk thru airport turnstyle sideways going to BANGkok."
"Man with one chopstick go hungry."
"Penis put in vacuum cleaner get sucked off."
"Woman who eat banana get cream in mouth."
"Man trapped in whore house get jerked around."
"Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails."
"Man with tool in woman's mouth, not necessarily a dentist."
"Man who eat many prunes get good run for money."
"Man with hand in pocket is having a ball."
"Baseball is wrong. Man with four balls cannot walk!"
"Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it."
"Put rooster in freezer to get a stiff cock."
"Man who pull out too fast leave rubber."
"A man with his hands in pockets feels foolish,
but a man with holes in pockets feels nuts."
"Woman who wear G-string, high on crack!"
"War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left."
"Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house."
"Man who sleep in cathouse by day, sleep in doghouse by night."
"Man with hand in bush not necessarily trimming shrubs."
"Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night!"
"If you park, don't drink, accidents cause people."
"Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes soon burn out!"
"It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it."
"Man who eat many prunes, sit on toilet many moons."
"Man who bounce woman on bed spring this spring have offspring next
spring."
"Man who drive like hell, bound to get there!"
"Man who sit on tack get point!"
"Man who stand on toilet is high on pot!"
"Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day!"
"People who live in plexi-glass houses should not throw abrasive
cleansers."
"Man who lives in glass house should change in basement"
"Boy who go to bed with sexual problem wake up with problem
in hand"
"People who make Confucious joke speak bad English."
"He who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs."


----------------------
LEARN TO SPEAK CHINESE...

Ai Bang Mai Ne I bumped into the coffee table
Ar U Wun Tu A gay liberation greeting
Chin Tu Fat You need a face lift
Dum Gai A stupid person
Gun Pao Der An ancient Chinese invention
Hu Flung Dung Which one of you fertilized the field?
Hu Yu Hai Ding We have reason to believe you are harboring a
fugitive
Jan Ne Ka Sun A former late night talk show host
Kum Hia Approach me
Lao Ze Sho Gilligan's Island
Lao Zi Not very good
Lin Ching An illegal execution
Moon Lan Ding Achievement of the American space program
Ne Ahn A lighting fixture used in advertising signs
Shai Gai A bashful person
Tai Ne Bae Be A premature infant
Tai Ne Po Ne A small horse
Ten Ding Ba Serving drinks to people
Wan Bum Lung A person with T.B.
Yu Mai Te Tan Your vacation in Hawaii agrees with you
Wa Shing Kah Cleaning an automobile
Wai So Dim Are you trying to save electricity?
Wai U Shao Ting There is no reason to raise your voice
Si-Ling Fan A device to keep you cool
Sum Dum Fuk Irritating drivers

---------------------

Liver n' Cheese

There were these three guys at a cafe, drinking their coffee - an American guy, a black guy, and a Chinese guy.
They see a really attractive waitress and comment on her good looks. Next thing you know they start making bets on who can get her to go out with them first.
The waitress overhears them, and she goes up to them and says, "Hey, I heard you talking about me. Well, I like an intelligent guy, so let's see who can make the best sentence using the words 'liver' and 'cheese'."
So the American guy goes, "That's easy. I love liver and I hate cheese."
The waitress shakes her heard in disgust.
The black guy goes, "Well, I hate liver and I love cheese."
The waitress says, "That is so stupid. That's essentially the same thing!"
Then the Chinese guy steps up and puts his arm around the waitress' waist. "Liver alone, cheese mine!"

[David5o]

Ted,

I have a lot of friends, in a lot of countries. We are always sending each other these sort of jokes/funnies. I have a lot of funny email vid clips too, but it seems you can't download these onto this website system. Shame really as i have some real funny stuff in that format!!

David....

[ttwjr32]

yes David i miss the you tube here in China
many censored here

[David5o]

A Ventriloquist Visiting Wales


A ventriloquist visiting Wales walks into a small village and sees a local sitting in his porch patting his dog.
Anyway, He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the man : "Can I talk to your dog?"

Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid git."
Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"
Dog: "Doin' all right."
Villager: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?"
Dog: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Villager: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either.... I think."
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool"
Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?"
Horse: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Villager: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Villager: (in a panic) "The sheep's a f**king liar!"

Ooooops!! ......it must be true what they say about the Welsh farmers then...Sheep Shaggers!! ...lol!!

[David5o]

Before And After Marriage!!!

Before marriage....

He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: No! Don't even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course! Over and over!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: No! Why are you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Every chance I get.
She: Will you hit me?
He: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
He: Yes.
She: Darling!

After marriage....
Simply read from bottom to top.

__________________________________________



Instructions For Cleaning a Toilet....


1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.



Sincerely Yours,
The Dog

[David5o]

An Oz Story!!

Can't remember if i've posted this one before, but i recieved it again today in my mail, and still think it's pretty good. So i'm posting it anyway!!...haha!!    David....


These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humor.

__________________________________________________

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )

A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

__________________________________________________

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

__________________________________________________

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns ,Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK )

A: What did your last slave die of?

__________________________________________________

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )

A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

__________________________________________________

Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA )

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

_________________________________________________

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

__________________________________________________

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ...
oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

__________________________________________________

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )

A: You are a British politician, right?

__________________________________________________

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal .

__________________________________________________

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

__________________________________________________

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

__________________________________________________

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? ( USA )

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

__________________________________________________

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? ( Italy )

A: Yes, gay night clubs.

__________________________________________________

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )

A: Only at Christmas.

__________________________________________________

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the Girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross*. Can you help? ( USA )

A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour..

__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

[David5o]

Great for Business!!


A guy is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products. At the first stop, he is shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud "hiss-pop" noise. "The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold," explains the guide. "The popping sound is the needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."

Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured. The machine makes a "Hiss. Hiss. Hiss" noise. but every so often there is a "Pop!" noise.

"Wait a minute!" says the man taking the tour. "I understand what the 'hiss, hiss,' is, but what's that 'pop' every so often?"

"Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the guide. "It pokes a hole in every tenth condom."

"Well, that can't be good for the condoms!"

"Yeah, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!"

[David5o]

WHY MEN ARE HAPPIER THAN WOMEN!!.

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be Prime Minister. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another petrol station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tuxedo rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is 8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original colour. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have toshave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
Hell, the reason list just goes on and on.....

No wonder men are happier pilgrims than our women.

[David5o]

THE HORTH WHITHPERER


A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.


His buddy asks, "How will I recognize him?"


"That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment."


So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.

"A female horth."

So he shows him a prized filly.

"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?

So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"?

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf"?

The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

"Nice mouf, can I see her twat"?

Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

"Perhapth I should rephrase that..
Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit"?