JUST FOR A LAUGH

[David5o]

The Blind Cowboy.....

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by

mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some
coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the
waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a
very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only
fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five
things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball
    bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde woman.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde gal
   with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a
    professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

"Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do
you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his
head, and mutters, "Nope... not if I'm gonna have to
explain it five times over."

[David5o]

A MORAL TALE............

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace....
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. 'Mummy, I was at the playground
and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'

At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'

At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the rigs.'

Mummy fainted!

The Moral of  this storey is:-

Sometimes you need to just shut the fuck-up and listen to the "whole" story before you interrupt!!!
 

[David5o]

A SHORT LOVE STORY

 
A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,..........  ''Ma'am, I'm really sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold up here.''

I have a better idea, she replied ''Just for tonight'',...... ''let's pretend that we're married.''

Wow!!............. That's, ..thats,... a great idea!', he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied. ............'Get your own fucking blanket.'

After a moment or two of silence, ...............OK, OK, ..I get the picture!!.... then let out a fart , a very loud, and very smelly fart!!


Ah!!, ....the Joys of Being Married!!

[David5o]

No sex since 1955


A crusty old sergeant major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the sergeant major for conversation.

"Excuse me, sergeant major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The sergeant major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955!" She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The sergeant major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."
 
And I almost felt sorry for him as well!! ...hahaha!!!

[David5o]

Poor Bob!


Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. 'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league. When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?' 'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says, 'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it . She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, .....

 
'Geez Bob, ......you picked up a Real Bitch this time.'




Anyway, .......BOB's funeral will be on Friday. ....hahaha!!Weekend Humour

There are Four types of women while having sex.-
 
1- asthmatic - ah..aahh..ah...ahh

2- 0bedient - yes,oh yes..ah yes,  
 
3- greedy - more...more ..pls more.....

4- religious - oh god..oh..oh my god ..oh my God!

[Vince G]

To help stamp out carpal tunnel syndrome, new mouse pads have been devised to assist men in their computer operations.
Ergonomically-correct mouse pads such as these will enable men to avoid the pain and suffering associated with this serious health concern.

No, I don't have the ordering information........ yet.
[attachment=291]

[David5o]

To help stamp out carpal tunnel syndrome, new mouse pads have been devised to assist men in their computer operations.
Ergonomically-correct mouse pads such as these will enable men to avoid the pain and suffering associated with this serious health concern.

No, I don't have the ordering information........ yet.

Just let me know imeadiatly, when you do get the ordering imformation ....I want one......

David......Postman Pat's last day.......

It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns.
When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for £50.

At the second house they presented him an 18-carat goldwatch.
The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch whisky.

 At the fourth house he was met at the door by a blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love-making he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the blonde fixed him a full English breakfast: Bacon, Eggs, Sausage & Tomato with freshly squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a £5 note sticking out from under the cups bottom edge.
 
'All this was just too wonderful for words,' he said, 'but what's the five quid for?' 'Well,' said the dumb blonde, 'last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you'. 'I asked him what to give you'.
He said, 'F*ck him. Give him a fiver.'..........
She smiled shyly and said, 'The breakfast was my idea!!!
 
Hmmmm!!!!!, ....Makes you wonder just what else he got on that last day as the local postman???

[David5o]

JAPANESE HOTEL SERVICE

 A Canadian salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in
 Tokyo Japan .
 Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's
 meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a
barber on the premises.

 'I'm afraid not, sir,' the clerk told him apologetically, 'but down
 the hall from your room is a vending machine that should
 serve your purposes.'

 Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine,
 inserted $15.00, and stuck his head into the opening, at which
 time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the
 salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which
 reflected the best haircut of his life.

 Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read,
 'Manicures, $20.00'.

 'Why not?' thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his
 hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl.
 Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were
 perfectly manicured.

 The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a
 Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.'

 The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine,
 unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood
 into the opening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let
 out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds
 later it shut off.

 With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his
 tender unit........ which now had a nice new button sewn neatly on the
 end of his bell end!!!
 
 
Ouch!.... that "MUST" have hurt!!!!

[Martin]

A Canadian salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in
Tokyo Japan .

Must have been a Newfie.

[shaun]

Gee, Vince, I just had the carpel tunnel surgery today.  If only you had reported this a little sooner.

[shaun]

Gee, Vince, I just had the carpel tunnel surgery today.  If only you had reported this a little sooner.

Shaun, your still going to need it, after you recover  

Yes, but the real question to me since we don't see the whole situation is does a man get slapped as usual for touching?

[David5o]

Inner Peace

 

If you can start the day without caffeine,

If you can get going without pep pills,

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without liquor,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs


 
 
Then you are in all probability..... The Family DOG!!

[Vince G]

Wolf wolf. Besides the caffeine the rest of it is my daily life.

[David5o]

How to have a good life - the Cypriot vs. the American way


An American visited Agia Napa during his holidays and went to the marina where a small fishing boat arrived. The American looked at the catch of the day and told the fisherman: "Why don't you stay out a little longer and catch yourself some more fish?"

-"This is enough for me and my family." said the fisherman.

-"What do you do for the rest of the day then?", asked the American.

The fisherman replied: "I go home and play with my children. In the afternoons during the siesta time my wife and I sleep a couple of hours. In the evenings I go to the kafenes, drink some coffee or brandy while talking politics with my friends and perhaps play a game of backgammon. I have a good life."

The American said: "I have an MBA, I can help you. If you stay out the entire day fishing you will get a bigger catch. The winnings from this catch can be invested in a new much bigger fishing boat. In the long run you can afford another boat, and another, and another. Soon enough you'll have a whole fleet of fishing boats. And then, instead of selling your fish to middle men you invest in your own cannery. Soon enough you'll be able to move to Athens, or even New York. And from there you'll lead your business empire."

-"How long would this take me to achieve?" the fisherman asked.

-"Well, perhaps 20-25 years." said the American.

-"And then what?" asked the fisherman.

-"Then you can afford to retire here in Agia Napa." the American said. "You can go fishing in the mornings. Then you can go home and play with your grandchildren. In the afternoons you enjoy the siesta time with your wife, and in the evenings you can visit the kafenes, drink some coffee or brandy, talk politics with your old friends and play some backgammon. Then you'll have a good life!"
 
Hmmmmm' .....Very Tempting!! ...hahaha!!

[David5o]

A week in Hell


One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon.

The demon asked, "Why so glum?"

The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm here in hell!"

"Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"

"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."

"Well you're gonna love Mondays then. ...On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"

The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."

"You a smoker?" the demon asked.

"You better believe it!"

"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie. You're already dead, remember?"

"Wow", the guy said, "that's awesome!"

The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."

"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."

"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow. You into drugs?"

The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . . ."

"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big
bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"

"Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I
never realised Hell was such a really cool place!"

The demon said, "You gay?"

"No."

"Oh dear, Oh dear"!! ....."You're gonna really "HATE Fridays" here then!!!!"
 
Wow!! ... It must be true then, what all these Fundamental Christians have been saying all this time about being Gay..... it is a SIN!! after all  ...hahaha!!