JUST FOR A LAUGH

[rockycoon]

Now that is a cowboy joke !!

[ttwjr32]

the one about the cat was good and also the one you read from
bottom to top

[David5o]

Trying To Do The Job Alone

Dear Sir,

I am writing in response to your request for additional information. In block number 3 of the accident reporting form, I put "trying to do the job alone" as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully, and I trust that the following details will be sufficient:

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six story building. When I completed my work, I discovered that I had about 500 pounds of brick left over. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which, fortunately, was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the brick into it. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tight to insure a slow descent of the 500 pounds of bricks. You will note, in block number 11 of the accident reporting form, that I weigh 135 pounds.

Due to my surprise of being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming down. This explains the fractured skull and broken collarbone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope in spite of my pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground, and the bottom broke out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel now weighed approximately fifty pounds.

I refer you again to my weight in the accident reporting form, block number 11.
As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounted for the two fractured ankles and the lacerations on my legs and lower body.

The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of bricks, and fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the bricks in pain, unable to stand, and watching the empty barrel six stories above me...I again lost my presence of mind...and let go of the rope!

[David5o]

2009 Women Drivers Awards

For The 2009 Women Drivers Award we have....

In 10th position....



In 9th position....



In our 8th position....



In 7th position we have....



In 6th position is....



In 5th position....



In 4th position is....



In our Bronze medal position we have....



Our runner-up Silver medal position is....


Yes, it is being worn backwards, and no she's not a blonde!!!

And finally, Our Womans 2009 Driver Gold Medal  
Award Winner is.......



Congratulations to all our entrants....

[David5o]

IRISH JOKE


"Can I have some Irish Sausages, please?" asked the Irishman, walking
up to the counter.

The assistant looked at him and asked: "Are you Irish?"

"If I had asked you for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?"
demanded the Irishman indignantly. "Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst,
would you ask me if I was German?" then, warming to his theme, ...he went on:

"Or if I asked you for a Kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was
Jewish?"
"Or, if I asked you for a taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican?"

"Would ya? Would Ya?" The assistant said: "Well No, ...I guess not!!."

Suitably encouraged by the success of his logic, the Irishman steps it
up a gear. "And if I asked you for frog's legs, would you ask me if I was
French? What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?"


"Well, No I probably wouldn't," conceded the assistant.


So, now bursting with righteous indignation, the Irishman says, "Well,
all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Irish just because I asked for
Irish sausages?"


The assistant replied: "Because you're in f**king Homebase DIY!!!"

[David5o]

Hungry Travelling Salesman

There was this travelling salesman, driving along the Motorway.

The weather was hot and he was peckish. It was nearing lunchtime. He bagan looking for a decent place to eat.

He saw a restaurant with a carpark full of nice cars.

He thought that this must be a good place to eat , with all these cars there.

He pulled in and with difficulty managed to find parking space.

As soon as he entered the restaurant he was surprised as there was no one at the tables.

He beckoned towards the 9 year old boy standing idly behind the counter and asked him where all the customers were and pointed out all the cars in the carpark..

The boy told the salesman that there were no customers and that the cars belonged to him.

The man asks the boy "how come? "

"Simple " says the boy. "I have a dare with the customers (men) they lose the dare, and I get their cars".

"How do you do that?" asks the man. "So What is the dare?"

"Well" says the boy, "Its simple, I ask them to copy everything I do", "if they fail, I get the car".

The man at first does not want to believe the boy, then he says "ok, your dare is on".

The boy calls his elder sister 17 year old Donna to the table. He caresses the girls hair and asks the man to do the same. The man complies.

Next the boy kisses the girl on the cheek. The man happily complies again.
Then the boy begins to caress the girls breasts. The man is now getting excited and does the same. The man is clearly enjoying this bet.

The boy then runs his fingers up the girls skirt and begins to rub her underneath the skirt.

The man by now is now sweating. He releases his tie and loosens his collar and does the same. The man thinks, OMG I never want this to end.

The boy undoes his trousers takes his little penis in his hand and bends it in half.

F**k , F**k, F**k it, the man says, and puts his hand in his pocket, takes out his car keys and hands them over to the Young Boy!!!......

[David5o]

An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you.

"Yes," she says, I remember it well.

"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old time's sake.

"Oooooooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea," she answers.

There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them.

They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.

The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in.

Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes!

She's yelling, "Ohhh, God!" He's hanging on to her hips for dear life.

This is the most athletic sex imaginable.

Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, still watching thinks, that was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is.

As the couple pass, he says to them, "That was something else. You must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?"

The old man says, "Yep!!....Fifty years ago that fence wasn't an electrified ."

[David5o]

A Right Tasty ''Bird''!!!!!

Your dinner will be the talk of the TOWN!!
You should try this!
Sure to bring smiles from your guests!
Here is a new way to prepare your Christmas Turkey.

1. Cut out aluminum foil in desired shapes.
2. Arrange the turkey in the roasting pan, position the foil carefully. (see attached picture for details)
3. Roast according to your own recipe and serve.
4. Watch your guests' faces...




May your stuffing be tasty
May your turkey plump,
May your potatoes and gravy
Have never a lump.
May your yams be delicious
And your pies take the prize,
And may your Christmas dinner
Stay off your thighs!

Now That's a Cracker of a ''Bird''

[David5o]

Ancient Greek Philosophy.


Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you hear or are about to
 repeat a rumour.
 

 In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his
 wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance, who ran
 up to him excitedly and said, 'Socrates, do you know what I just heard
 about one of your students...?'
 
 
 'Wait a moment,' Socrates replied. 'Before you tell me, I'd like you to
 pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three.'
 
 'The TEST of THREE?' the man asked.
 
 That's correct,' Socrates continued. 'Before you talk to me about my
 student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first
 test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to
 tell me is true?'
 
 'No,' the man replied, 'actually I just heard about it.'
 
 'All right,' said Socrates. 'So you don't re ally know if it's true or
 not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you
 are about to tell me about my student something good?'
 
 'No, on the contrary . . . '
 
 'So,' Socrates continued, 'you want to tell me something bad about him
 even though you're not certain it's true?'
 
 The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
 
 Socrates continued, 'You may still pass though because there is a third
 test- the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my
 student going to be useful to me?'
 
 'No, not really . . . '
 
 'Well,' concluded Socrates, 'if what you want to tell me is neither True
 nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?'
 
 The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more.
 
 This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such
 high esteem.
 
It also explains why Socrates didn't ever find out that Plato was banging his
 wife

[David5o]

Employee Evaluations

The following are taken from actual Employee Evaluations hope you enjoy:

You won't see these sort of comments in Employee Evaluations anymore, it's not politicly correct, and the employee has the right to read his/her evaluation these days... lol!!

1. I would not allow this employee to breed.
2. This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more definitely a won?t be.
3. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
4. When she stops to open her mouth, it seems it is only to change whichever foot was previously there.
5. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
6. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
7. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
8. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
9. This employee should go far and sooner he starts, the better.
10. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
11. The biggest tool in the shed.
12. Got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn?t looking.
13. A room temperature IQ.
14. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it together.
15. A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
16. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
17. A prime candidate for natural deselection.
18. One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.
19. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
20. Fell out of the family tree.
21. Bright as Alaska in December.
22. Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn?t coming.
23. Has two brains: one is lost; and the other is looking for it.
24. If brains were taxed she would get a refund.
25. If he were any more stupid, he would have to be watered twice a week.
26. He?s so dense light bends around him.
27. If you gave him a penny for his thoughts you would get change.
28. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
29. It?s hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
30. One neuron short of a synapse.
31. Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes.
32. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.
33. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
34. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
35. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity
36. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.


________________________________________


Apples and Wine...


Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

Now men... men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

This had to be written by a woman!!!!!  lol!!

[David5o]

The Dammed Stairs!!!

Bill, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and were
sharing a large suite on the top of a 75 story sky scraper.
After a long day of meetings they were shocked to hear that the
elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb
75 flights of stairs to get to their room. Bill said to Jim and
Scott, let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by
concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25
flights, and Jim can sing songs for 25 flights, and Scott can
tell sad stories the rest of the way. At the 26th floor Bill
stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor
Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories. "I will
tell my saddest story first,"Then almost crying he said. "I've left the bloody room key in
the dammed car!"

[David5o]

Why Men Die First !!!

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the
rat race. .you’re a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework...you’re a poofter.
If you work too hard...there’s never any time for her.
If you don’t work enough...you’re a good-for-nothing lazy prick.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay...this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay.....you should get
off your lazy ass and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her...that is favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you......it’s equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks......it’s sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet..........it’s male indifference.
If you cry............you’re a wimp.
If you don’t....................you’re an insensitive bastard.
If you make a decision without consulting her.........you’re a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you......she’s a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn’t enjoy....... that’s domination.
If SHE asks you.........it’s a favour.
If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear......you’re a pervert.
If you don’t..............you’re gay.
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape.........youre sexist.
If you don’t.................you’re unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape................you’re vain.
If you don’t................you’re a slob.
If you buy her flowers.............you’re after something.
If you don’t....................you’re not thoughtful.
If you’re proud of your achievements........you’re full of shit.
If you’re not ....................you’re not ambitious.
If she has a headache............she’s tired.
If you have a headache.............you don’t love her anymore.
If you want it too often.........you’re oversexed.
If you don’t................there must be someone else.

Men die first because they ''WANT TO''.

[David5o]

The Horse & Chicken


Once upon a time there were a horse and a chicken who were good friends. They lived on a farmyard with lots of other animals and were very happy. One day, while they were playing near the farm's pond, the horse stepped into a hole of quicksand.

The horse rapidly sank and was yelling for his friend, the chicken, to save him. The chicken thought for a minute, then ran away. The chicken ran back to the farmhouse, and jumped into the farmer's 735csi BMW.

Luckily, the keys were in the ignition, and the chicken managed to start the car, and put it in gear. It raced over to the sinkhole where the horse had almost disappeared by now. The smart chicken tied a rope around the back of the BMW and threw the other end around the front legs of the horse. The chicken hopped back in the driver's seat and stepped on the gas.

Ever so slowly, the horse eased out of the quicksand and jumped to safety. The horse, still on shaky legs, stuttered: "You just saved my life. Thank you!"

The chicken just said, "Don't mention it - That's what friends are for!!"

They returned the BMW and went out to dinner together in the barn yard. A few days later, the horse got up from a good night's rest, and heard some muffled cries for help coming from the backyard. The horse followed the sounds and came upon a terrible scene.

There was his best friend, the chicken, stuck in a hole of quicksand! The sand was already up to its neck-feathers and the cries for help had almost stopped. The horse took a quick look around: No rope in sight And the farmer had gone to town with his BMW. What to do?

The horse took a deep breath and spread his body and legs out over the hole. His member was dangling down right above the poor chicken. "Here, my friend, grab my thingie and I will pull you to safety!"

With its last bit of energy, the chicken grabbed a hold of the big horse-thingy and the horse straightened its body, pulling the chicken from its trap. With one big step, both were on solid ground and safe. The chicken slumped down on the ground, exhausted: "Now You saved my life, my friend!!"

The horse just smiled.

And what is the moral of this story? ... If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.

[wilsbrough]

Ok, so i was getting a little excited about the new ipad, but then i looked into it a little bit n felt a little disappointed, but i feel this clip on youtube sums up my feelings completely...:icon_cheesygrin: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lQnT0zp8Ya4&feature=popular

Andy....

[David5o]

New Government Seal
       

Official Announcement:


The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from a Union Jack to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.   A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.  USA and many European countries are thinking along similar lines for there own emblems.


Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that!