JUST FOR A LAUGH

[Bee964]

Got this in my e-mail today and thought I would share it with you all. It is entitled Canadian Humour.


Curtis & Leroy saw an ad in the Kentville Advertiser Newspaper in Kentville, N.S.
and bought a mule for $100.



The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.



The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellers, I have some bad news,
the mule died last night."





Curtis &Leroy replied, "Well, then just give us our money back."





The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."





They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."





The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"





Curtis said, "We gonna raffle him off."





The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"






Leroy said, "We shore can!  Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"





A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis & Leroy at the Co-Op grocery store and asked:





"What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"



They said,"We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do."



Leroy said,"Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a
profit of $898."



The farmer said,"My Lord, didn't anyone complain?"



Curtis said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his
two dollars back."


Curtis and Leroy now work for the government.



They're overseeing the Harper's Economic Stimulus package.

[wilsbrough]

What do you call an intelligent blonde?

A Golden retriever....:icon_cheesygrin:

[David5o]

The Nymphomaniac

A man boarded an aircraft at London 's Heathrow Airport for New York , and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.'Hello', he blurted out, 'Business trip or vacation?'

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, 'Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States .'

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, 'What's your business role at this convention?'

'Lecturer,' she responded.'I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.'

'Really', he smiled, 'what myths are those?'

'Well,' she explained, 'one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish.'

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. 'I'm sorry,' she said.

'I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!'

'Tonto,' the man said. 'Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy.


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[David5o]

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Track A Mobile Phone

This is a great site to track down where your partner or friend is at this moment.
And, ....It works in China!!!


http://www.trackapartner.com/


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[Vince G]

Yeah seen this one before? :icon_razz:

[David5o]

A Moral Tale!!!


In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and

spinach, with green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds so Man and Woman

would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and Magnums.

And Satan said, 'You want hot fudge with that? And Man said, 'Yes!' And

Woman said, 'I'll have one too with chocolate chips'. And lo they gained 10

pounds.

And God created the healthy yoghurt that woman might keep the figure that man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 12 to size 14.

So God said, 'Try my fresh green salad'. And Satan presented Blue Cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said 'I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them'.

And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped

lobster chunks and chicken fried steak, so big it needed its own platter,

and Man's cholesterol went through the roof.

Then God brought forth the potato; naturally low in fat and brimming with

potassium and good nutrition.

Then Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy centre into

chips and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt.

And Man put on more pounds. God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds.

And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.

Then God gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.

And Satan created McDonalds and the 99p double cheeseburger. Then Satan said 'You want fries with that?' and Man replied, 'Yes, and super size 'em'. And Satan said, 'It is good.' And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed ......... and created quadruple by-pass surgery.






THE FINAL WORD ON NUTRITION

After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final word

on nutrition and health.:

1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than

us.

4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart

attacks than us.

5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer

heart attacks than us.

6. The French eat foie-gras, full fat cheese and drink red wine and suffer

fewer heart attacks than us



CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.!!!!!  

[David5o]

Another oldie.....

Church Bells!

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie
went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old
grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had
died, her grandmother replied, 'He had a heart attack while we were
making love on Sunday morning.'

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old
having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

'Oh no, my dear,' replied granny. 'Many years ago, realizing our
advanced age, we figured the best time to do it was when the church
bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow
and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the
Dong.'

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, 'He'd still be alive if
the ice cream truck hadn't come along.'  

[Bee964]

In on the ding and out on the dong......... Hahahahaha!:icon_cheesygrin:

Dave C

[David5o]

THE COST OF LOOKING GOOD







Good morning my friends, the following picture might be a bit obscene to some of you, however, "NEVER Judge a book by its cover" a good lesson to learn....please scroll all the way down, oooooopppppppssssss..... and you will get the answer....hahahhahaa....have a wonderful day.

THE COST OF LOOKING GOOD
Earrings $2
Make Up $60
Tattoo $150
Boob Job $6000 .... pls scroll down


[attachment=1522]


Forgetting To Tuck In Your Nuts... Priceless!!

[Vince G]

First this is why I'm leary of Thai's and those like them.

Second, I don't think he forgot to tuck them? :s

[David S]

Forgetting To Tuck In Your Nuts... Priceless!!

You can put all the catchup, mustard, onions, chili, sauerkraut, and what other fixen's you want, but at the end of the day, it's still a hot-dog!

[Bee964]

Saw a porno blooper tape once...... rather funny too! Ron Jeremy was in one particuler one that when he pulled her panties down and this dick popped out in front of his face all he could say was," What the f**k is that???" He forgot all his lines, not that there were any good ones. I think the set people did this to him for a joke.

Dave C

[David5o]

Pain.....

A young Irish woman was sitting next to her mother on a bus holding her jaw with her hand and declared:-

"Oh Mother, tooth-ache must be the greatest pain in the world !"

Mother tutted, "Oh not at all child, for sure wouldn't I know that child-birth be a thousand times worse than tooth-ache"

Daughter gave out a yelp as she received another pang of pain, "Oh God, nothing could be worse than THIS !"

Whereupon Mother turned to an Irish Navvy seated on the other side of the bus and said:-

"Will you listen to this child of mine, she says that a tooth-ache is the worst pain in the world, sure and wouldn't I know that child-birth is a thousand times worse, what do you think ?"

The Navvy scratched the back of his head and replied :-

"Well there Ma'am, to be sure, I wouldn't know about that,.... BUT, did you ever get a good kick in the Bollocks ?.

_


Blind Justice


This guide dog cocked a leg on its blind owner and we'ed all over his leg.
The blind man promptly bent down and gave the dog a doggy biscuit.
A passer by asked the blind man why he was giving the dog a treat after he just pi**ed all over him.
"I want to find out which flamming end his head is, ....so i can kick him a swift kick in the bollocks" came the reply.

.

[David5o]

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Ticklish problem


There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo Toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM . The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.

The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stood Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She had a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watched in amazement as she cut a little piece of fabric, wrapped it around two marbles and began to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager burst into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulled himself together and approached Lena. I'm sorry," he said to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles


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Why Aussie Men Shouldn't Write Advice Columns

Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching t.v. as usual. I hadn't gone more than 100 yards down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.

When I got home, I couldn't believe my eyes! He was parading in front of the wardrobe mirror dressed in my underwear in high-heel shoes, and he was wearing my make-up.

I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for 12 years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he had dressed in my lingerie because he couldn't find his own underwear. But when I asked him about the make-up, he broke down and admitted that he'd been wearing my clothes for six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him.

He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum, he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help?

Sincerely,

Mrs. Sheila Lusk

[
b]Dear Sheila: [/b]

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. IF it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber. I hope this helps.

Walter.



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Our Brilliant Ancestors

Petros the Cypriot Archaeologist

After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, Italian scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Italians, in the weeks that followed, Turkish scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters. Shortly thereafter, headlines in Turkish newspapers read: "Turkish archaeologists have found traces of 200-year old copper wire, and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network one hundred years earlier than the Italians."

One week later, a Cyprus newspaper, reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30-meters in fields near Limassol , Petros Petropoulos, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Petros has therefore concluded that 300-years ago, Cypriots were already using wireless.
"Yassou, Petros!


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[Bee964]

There are some pretty funny text messages here. about 900 pages of text messages. one of my daughters favorite places to check out.

Dave C

http://textsfromlastnight.com/