JUST FOR A LAUGH

[David5o]

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At last a picture of him!!!!


We've all talked to this guy...At Last....A Picture of Him.
   
     
Mujibar was trying to get a job in   India .
 
The Personnel Manager said,
'Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one.
Unless you pass it, you cannot qualify for this job.'
 
Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'
The manager said,
'Make a sentence using the words
Yellow, Pink, and Green .'

Mujibar said,
'The telephone goes green, green,
And I pink it up, and say,
Yellow, this is Mujibar.'
 
Mujibar now works at a call centre.
 
No doubt you have spoken to him.
I know I have.
.

[Vince G]

PENIS - WANTS A RAISE.

I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

   I do physical labor.
   I work at great depths.
   I plunge head first into everything I do.
   I do not get weekends off or public holidays.
   I work in a damp environment.
   I don't get paid overtime.
   I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
   I work in high temperatures.
   My work exposes me to contagious diseases.


Dear Penis,

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

   You do not work 8 hours straight.
   You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods.
   You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
   You do not stay in your allocated position,and often visit other areas.
   You do not take initiative you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
   You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
   You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective    clothing.
   You'll retire well before reaching 65.
   You're unable to work double shifts.
   You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day's work. And if that were not all,
        you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the workplace carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.


Sincerely,

The ManagementTop Twenty Reasons Why Chocolate Is Better Than Sex

 1)   You can GET chocolate.

 2)   "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.

 3)   Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.

 4)   You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.

 5)   You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.

 6)   You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.

 7)    If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.

     Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.

 9)   The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.

10)    You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without
   upsetting your co-workers.

11)   You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.

12)   You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.

13)   With chocolate there's no need to fake it.

14)   Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.

15)   You can have chocolate at any time of the month.

16)   Good chocolate is easy to find.

17)   You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.

18)   You are never too young or too old for chocolate.

19)   When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.

20)   With chocolate size doesn't matter.

[David5o]

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Revenge of the gambler

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round-trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabby. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail.

The cabby said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.

The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blow job on the way?" "What?! Get the hell out of my cab."

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabby replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each of the waiting drivers.

[David5o]

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A English/Scottish joke

A man is cupping his hand to scoop water from a Highland burn.
A Gamekeeper shouts ' Dinnae drink thon water min, its foo o' coo's shyte n pish.'

Man replies 'My good fellow, I'm English .......repeat that in English'.
Gamekeeper replies 'I said use both hands - you get more that way.'

[David5o]

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What Husbands Think!!!...............


When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

David Bissonette  


After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together..

Sacha Guitry  


By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Socrates  


Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.

Anonymous  


The great question... which I have not been able to answer.... is, 'What does a woman want?

Dumas  


I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Sigmund Freud  


'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'

Anonymous  


'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.'

Sam Kinison  


'I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.'

James Holt McGavra  


Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.

Patrick Murra  


The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once....

Nash  


You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

Anonymous  


My wife and I were happy for twenty years Then we met.

Henny Youngman  


A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

Rodney Dangerfield  


A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'


Anonymous  

First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'
Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'

Anonymous

[Bee964]

 


The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once....

Nash  

My girlfriend that I had before my wife, her birthday was january 27. My ex-wifes birthday....... january 28. Yes, I did screw up once!!! NEVER did I ever screw up after that. Took me years to live that down.

Dave CTHE  BOTTLE OF WINE

For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine:

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the  road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would  like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the  woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

'What in bag?' asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my  husband.'

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:

'Good  trade.....'Hospital Tour

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital.
During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating
furiously.

'Oh my GOD!' screamed the woman. 'That's disgraceful! Why is he doing
that?' The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained: 'I'm very
sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious
condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't
do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his
testicles could easily rupture.'

'Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay,' said the woman.

As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed
while a nurse performed oral sex on him. Again, the woman screamed, 'Oh
my GOD! How can THAT be justified?'

Again the doctor spoke very calmly: 'Same illness, better health plan'

[ttwjr32]

if Obama's health plan gets thru then we will all have this
type of plan ?

[rockycoon]

Man of the House


The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, “You Can Be the Man of Your House.”

He stormed over to his wife in the kitchen and announced, “From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law.

You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.

After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and...well... you get the point.

“Later, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe...

 Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?”

Without even looking up from her morning paper the wife replied,
“The funeral director would be my first guess.”

[David5o]

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Cake or Bed?


A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A
FOOTBALL MATCH WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,

'HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?
IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.'

HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,
'FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'POWERGEN' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO!'

'FINE!'

THEN THE WIFE ASKS,
'WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT'

TO WHICH HE REPLIED,
'FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'FRIDGIDAIRE'
WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO!'

'FINE!' SHE SAYS
'THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS
TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK'

'I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T
WANT TO FIX STEPS', HE SAYS, 'DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'TAYLOR WOODROW' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO! I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS, I'M GOING TO THE PUB!!!!'

SO HE GOES TO THE PUB AND DRINKS FOR A
COUPLE OF HOURS................

HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW
HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES
TO GO HOME

AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES
THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.

AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE , HE SEES THE
HALL LIGHT IS WORKING

AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES
THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

HONEY, HE ASKS, 'HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?'
SHE SAID, 'WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT
OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.
HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.'

HE SAID,
'SO ERR, ....WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?'

SHE REPLIED, 'HELLOOOOO.., DO YOU SEE 'MR KIPLING' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!'

[Bee964]

Got this in an e-mail the other day and thought it was funny.

The testicles of a poor Newfoundland midget hurt and ached
Almost all  the time. The midget went to the doctor and told him
About his problem.

The  doctor told him to drop his pants
And he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants. The doctor
Stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him.


The doctor put one finger under his left
Testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual
Method to check for a  hernia. Aha!" mumbled the doctor,
And as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the
Midget to cough again. "Aha!" said the doctor once more.


The doctor reached for his surgical
Scissors and snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side..........then
Snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side.



The midget was so scared he was afraid to
Look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The
Doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see
If his testicles still hurt. The midget was absolutely delighted as
He walked  around and discovered his boys were no longer aching.


The Doctor said," How does that feel now?" The midget replied,
"Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it. What did you do?


The doctor replied "I
Cut two inches off the top of your rubber boots."SO, HOW DID YOU BREAK YOUR ARM?
 
Even if you aren't a skier, you'll be able to appreciate the humor


       Conditions were perfect...12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic
numbness all over...the "Tell me when we're having fun" kind of day.  One
of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire
need of a rest room. He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was
relief waiting at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for
female skiers in distress. He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go
away. If you've ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know
that a temperature of 12 below doesn't help matters. With time running out,
the woman weighed her options. Her husband, picking up on the intensity of
the pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all-white ski outfit, she
should go off in the woods and no one would even notice. He assured her,
"The white will provide more than adequate camouflage."

       So she headed for the tree line, began lowering her ski pants and
proceeded to do her thing. If you've ever parked on the side of a slope,
then you know there is a right way and wrong way to set your skis so you
don't move.

       Yup, you got it!!! She had them positioned the wrong way. Steep
slopes are not forgiving...even during the most embarrassing moments.
Without warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out-of-control,
racing through the trees...somehow missing all of them and onto another
slope. Her derriere and the reverse side were still bare, her pants down
around her knees, and she was picking up speed all the while.

       She continued backwards, totally out-of-control, creating an unusual
vista for the other skiers. The woman skied back under the lift and finally
collided violently with a pylon.

       The bad news was that she broke her arm and was unable to pull up
her ski pants. At long last her husband arrived, putting an end to her
nudie show, then summoned the ski patrol. They transported her to a
hospital.

       While in the emergency room, a man with an obviously broken leg was
put in the bed next to hers. "So, how'd you break your leg?" she asked,
making small talk. "It was the stupidest thing you ever saw," he said. "I
was riding up this ski lift and suddenly, I couldn't believe my eyes! There
was this crazy woman skiing backward, out-of-control, down the mountain,
with her bare bottom hanging out of her pants. I leaned over to get a
better look and fell out of the lift." ..

       "So, how'd you break your arm?THE VIBRATOR

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom
door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from
within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter
with a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you
doing?'

The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years
Old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as
I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and
leave me alone.'

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz
coming from the other side of the closed bedroom
door. Upon entering the room, he observed his
daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter
said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this
thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a
husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

A couple days later, the wife came home from a
shopping trip ,
placed the groceries on the kitchen
counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from,
of all places, the living room. She entered that
area and observed her husband sitting on the couch,
downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.

The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing
like crazy.

The wife asked: 'What the f... are you doing?'

The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my
son-in-law.'

 

[php]

[David5o]

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Signs You see On The Road....




















And an old favourite!!!   lol!!....

[David5o]

.


The perks of being over 50!!!


Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you too. Don't laugh as apparently it is all true...

If your not over 50, print this and save till you are....

Perks start kicking in as you reach 50 and get progressive as you reach the over 60 mark and heading towards 70!

01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

03. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

04. People call at 9 pm and ask, did I wake you?

05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

07. Things you buy now won't wear out

08. You can eat supper at 4 pm.

09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

19. You can't remember who posted this list...

20. Your idea of a good social interaction is reading the labels on cans in supermarkets.

....... aloud.

[David5o]

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From A Strictly Mathematical Viewpoint!!!



What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%


AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top!!!

.

[David5o]

What's This Guy On???


The link says ''drunk guy'' but i've not personally seen anyone so out of control of his own balance and movements as this guy!!! And this Video was recorded at 10am on a Tuesday morning. Now that's what you call having a great weekend!!   haha!!!


http://www.break.com/index/drunkest-guy-ever-goes-for-more-beer.html

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[rockycoon]

And America wins the gold in the drinking olympics, scottland claims the silver, and mexico the bronze... haha