JUST FOR A LAUGH

[David5o]

.


Brian Sulllivan?


A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like "Brian!

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well don't get me wrong, but i never actually met Brian. He died years ago. .... But I'm  married to his f**kin' widow."

[David5o]

.

TALKING GONG


A DRUNK was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night. When they made it to the bedroom, they saw a big brass gong next to the bed.

"What's a big brass gong doing in your bedroom?" one of the guests asked.

"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.

"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.

"Yup," replied the drunk.

"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.

"Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave it an ear-shattering pound and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed: "You arsehole, it's three o'clock in the bloody morning!"

[Bee964]

Have  you ever wondered where and how yodeling  began?

Many  years ago a man was traveling through the  mountains of Switzerland.  Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had  nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and  asked the farmer if he could spend the  night.

The  farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.  As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked  her father, 'Who is that man going into the  barn?'

'That  fellow traveling through,' said the farmer,  'needs a place to stay for the night, so I told  him he could sleep in the  barn.'
The  daughter said, 'Perhaps he is hungry.' So she  prepared him a plate of food for him and then  took it out to the barn.

About  an hour later, the daughter returned. Her  clothing disheveled and straw in her hair.  Straight up to bed she  went.

The  farmer's wife was very observant. She then  suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So  she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the  barn, and she too did not return for an hour.  Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned  incorrectly. She also headed straight to  bed.

The  next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got  up and continued on his journey, waving to the  farmer as he left.
When  the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor  was gone, she broke into tears. 'How could he  leave without even saying good-bye,' she cried.  'We made such passionate love last  night!'

'What?'  shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the  house looking for the man, who by now was  halfway up the mountain.
The  farmer screamed up at him, 'I'm going to get  you! You had sex with my  daughter!'

The  man looked back down from the mountainside,  cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled  out.....

'LAIDTHEOLADEETOO'

[David5o]

.

Life, ... JUST Isn't Fair!!!!

[David5o]

.

Cold Hands....

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, 'My hands are freezing cold.'

The mother replied, 'Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up.'

The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.

The next day, the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, 'My hands are freezing cold.'

The girl replied, 'Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up.'

He did and warmed his hands.

The following day, the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, 'My nose is cold.'

The girl replied, 'Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up'.

He did and warmed his nose.

The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said, 'My penis is frozen solid.'

The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again, and she says to her mother, 'Have you ever heard of a penis?'

Slightly concerned the mother said,' Why, yes...?! Why do you ask?'

The daughter replies, 'They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they?

[David5o]

.

Beer Drinkers Be Aware!!!!

Beer contains female hormones! Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones!

Last month, Montreal University and scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.


To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 pints of beer within a one (1) hour period.


It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men:-

1) Argued over nothing.

2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

3) Gained weight.

4) Talked excessively without making sense.

5) Became overly emotional.

6) Couldn't drive.

7) Failed to think rationally, and

8)Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary!! ......"Statistically significant!!!''

[rockycoon]

You might be a redneck if:

1.  every socket in your house breaks a fire code

2.  Your truck has a two tone paint job, primer red and primer grey.

3.  Your hunting dog costs more than the truck you drive him around in.

4.   You've totaled every vehicle you've owned.

5.   You have to go out back to get to the fridge.

[shaun]

6. You consider an old toilet as a wonderful plant pot to put in your front yard garden.

Fess up Don, you got one, don't you. :icon_cheesygrin:

[rockycoon]

thinking about it...haha, trouble is, I am afraid that one of my neighbors might use it....

[David5o]

.


Why Are Americans Jobless ?

John Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN ) for 6 a.m.

While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA ) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN PHILIPPINES ) .
He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA ), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE ) and tennis shoes (MADE IN VIETNAM). After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA ), then he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO ) to see how much he could spend today.

After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN ) to the radio (MADE IN INDIA ), he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY ) filled it with Gas (from SAUDI ARABIA ) and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB.

At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day checking his computer (MADE IN MALAYSIA ), John decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL ) poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE ) and turned on his TV (MADE IN KOREA ), and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in AMERICA .

AND NOW HE'S HOPING HE CAN GET HELP FROM HIS PRESIDENT (MADE IN KENYA )


I reckon that most of this could well apply to any western country!!!!!  lol!!!

[Bee964]

QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME!
 
 

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Can you cry under water?
 

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How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
 

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Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'?  Where's that extra penny going to?
 

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Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
 

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Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
 

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What disease did cured ham actually have?
 

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How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
 

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Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?

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If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
 

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Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
 

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Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
 

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Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
 
They're going to see you naked anyway.
 

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Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?
 

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Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
 

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If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
 

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Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
 

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If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
 

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Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto
remains on all fours?
 
They're both dogs!
 

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If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
 

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If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
 

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If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
 

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Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
 

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Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
 

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Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
 

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Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?


Dave CWarning: Wrap your own gifts

 

 

 

A young man wanted to purchase a Christmas gift for his new sweetheart, and as they had not been dating very long, and after careful consideration, he decided that a pair of gloves would strike just the right note---romantic but not too personal.

 

Accompanied by his friend, he went to Nordsroms and bought a pair of white gloves.  His friend bought a pair of silk panties for his wife.

 

In Gift Wrap, the clerk unknowingly mixed up the items—the friend got the gloves and the young man got the panties.  Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart along with this note:

 

"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening.  Originally, I was going to buy you the long ones with buttons, but then I remembered that your sister wears the short ones that are easier to remove. I know these are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me a pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled.  I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.  I wish I was there to put them on you for the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.  When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away, as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.  Just think how many times I will kiss them during this coming year.  I hope you will wear them for on Friday night."

 

All my love,  Ted

 

Ps. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.THE GEOGRAPHY OF A  WOMAN.....

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa: half discovered, half wild,
fertile and  naturally beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe: well developed and open to
trade, especially  for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain: very  hot, relaxed, and convinced
of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a  woman is like Greece: gently  aging but still a warm
and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and  50, a woman is like Great Britain:  with a glorious and all
conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman  is like Israel: has  been through war and doesn't
make the same mistakes twice, takes care of  business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada:  self-preserving, but open to
meeting new people.

After 70, she  becomes Tibet: wildly  beautiful, with a mysterious past and
the wisdom of the ages...only those  with an adventurous spirit and a thirst
for spiritual knowledge visit  there.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN....

Between 1 and 70, a man is  like Iran: Ruled by  nuts.

Dave C

[Bee964]

Found these in an old e-mail. I personally like the one about the ATM machine.

Only in America .....do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.



Only in America .....do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.



Only in America ......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters..



Only in America .....do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.



Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight..



Only in America .....do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.



EVER WONDER ...

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens

our skin?



Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?



Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?



Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?



Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?



Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?



Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?



Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?



Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?



Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?



Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?



You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!



Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?



Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?



If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?



If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Dave C

[David5o]

Blind?


A woman goes into Discount Fishing Supplies to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.

 She doesn't know which one to get, so she just picks one and goes over to the counter.
 

The salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades.


She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter,

I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb.Test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's actually on sale this week for $44."

She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that, just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

 
"Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.

 
As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts.

At first she's really embarrassed, but then realises there is no way

the blind salesman would tell exactly who had farted.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $58.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks,

"Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $44. How did you get $58.50?"

"The Duck Caller is $11, and the Fish Bait is $3.50."

.

[rockycoon]

DEAR MADAM:

THANK YOU FOR YOUR RECENT ORDER FROM OUR SEX TOYS SHOP.


YOU ASKED FOR THE LARGE RED VIBRATOR AS FEATURED ON OUR WALL DISPLAY.


PLEASE SELECT ANOTHER ITEM BECAUSE THAT IS OUR FIRE EXTINGUISHER.



SINCERLY,
MANAGEMENT

[David5o]

.

ID Ten T ??
 
 
 I was having trouble with my computer.
So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.

Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?  
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?
'
No,' I replied.
 
'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'  
 
-
-
-
-
-

So I wrote down:  I D. I 0. T.!!!!!