Author Topic: JUST FOR A LAUGH  (Read 304681 times)

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Offline mickw

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RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #75 on: July 11, 2009, 07:59:51 am »
Hi Guys

Just got this SMS text on my phone,regarding British dating sites dont know how these compare with our american brothers dating sites ......

LONELY HEARTS DATING ADS .....WHAT THEY REALLY MEAN

ADVENTUROUS......SLUT
ATHLETIC......NO TITS
30 SOMETHING......41
FUN ......ANNOYING
WILD.......GETS PISSED EASILY
BEAUTIFUL EYES......LIKE PISSHOLES IN THE SNOW
SEEKS KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOUR......EX HUSBANDS A NUTTER
NEW AGE.....HAIRY WITH SMELLY PUSSY
HEADSTRONG.......ARGUMENTATIVE
ENJOYS PUBBING AND CLUBBING.......ALCOHOLIC
CURVY......FAT FUCKER
CUDDLY.......EVEN FATTER FUCKER
LIKES EATING OUT.....GREEDY FAT FUCKER
LIKES NIGHTS IN BY THE FIRE......LAZY FAT FUCKER

David5o

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RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #76 on: July 11, 2009, 08:43:08 am »
Quote from: 'mickw' pid='8026' dateline='1247313591'

Hi Guys

Just got this SMS text on my phone,regarding British dating sites dont know how these compare with our american brothers dating sites ......

LONELY HEARTS DATING ADS .....WHAT THEY REALLY MEAN

ADVENTUROUS......SLUT
ATHLETIC......NO TITS
30 SOMETHING......41
FUN ......ANNOYING
WILD.......GETS PISSED EASILY
BEAUTIFUL EYES......LIKE PISSHOLES IN THE SNOW
SEEKS KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOUR......EX HUSBANDS A NUTTER
NEW AGE.....HAIRY WITH SMELLY PUSSY
HEADSTRONG.......ARGUMENTATIVE
ENJOYS PUBBING AND CLUBBING.......ALCOHOLIC
CURVY......FAT FUCKER
CUDDLY.......EVEN FATTER FUCKER
LIKES EATING OUT.....GREEDY FAT FUCKER
LIKES NIGHTS IN BY THE FIRE......LAZY FAT FUCKER


Oh, the joy's of being single again, ....and out on the prowl!!!!   haha!!

Great to see more posting to the ''Just for a laugh'' thread
« Last Edit: July 11, 2009, 08:43:44 am by David5o »

Offline victor-hills

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RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #77 on: July 11, 2009, 09:42:39 am »
Bad Luck
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"

"What dear?" She asked gently.

"I think you bring me bad luck."
Life is like an onion: You peel it off one layer at a time, and sometimes you weep.

David5o

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RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #78 on: July 11, 2009, 10:03:55 am »
Quote from: 'victor-hills' pid='8042' dateline='1247319759'

Bad Luck
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"

"What dear?" She asked gently.

"I think you bring me bad luck."



Thinking about it ..... He might just have a point there!!   hahaha!!

David5o

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RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #79 on: July 11, 2009, 02:53:44 pm »
 A Visit to the Doctor
 

A beautiful woman went to see her gynaecologist.

The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window.

He immediately told her to get undressed.

After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh.While Doing so he asked her,

"Do you know what I am doing?"

"Yes," she replied,"You are checking for abrasions or Dermatological abnormalities."

"That's right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her Breasts

"Do you know what I am doing now?" he asked.

"Yes," she said, "You are checking for lumps which might indicate Breast cancer."

"Correct," replied the shady doctor.

Finally, he mounted his Patient and started having sexual intercourse with her.

He asked, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

"Yes of course I do," she said,

"You're getting infected with herpes:

Which is why I came here in the first place."

 
Well he got more than he reckoned on then, .....didn't he!! ...hahaha!!


                Stay Safe, Always Wear Condom!!!!
« Last Edit: July 11, 2009, 02:55:02 pm by David5o »

David5o

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RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #80 on: July 13, 2009, 10:10:44 am »
An Irish boy's confession!
 
'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, Dicky?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin the girls reputationin the village.'

'Well, Dicky, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Mary Walsh?'

'I cannot say.' 'Was it Teresa Brown?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Margaret Doyle?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Anne O' Neil?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Catherine O' Tool, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped Dicky, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Dicky walks back to his pew, and his friend Tommy slides over and whispers, 'What did you get?'

'' I got 4 Months holiday and five dam good leads''.
« Last Edit: July 13, 2009, 10:11:43 am by David5o »

David5o

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RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #81 on: July 13, 2009, 04:17:23 pm »
WOMEN WHO KNOW THEIR PLACE

Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul,
Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict.

She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind

their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still

walk behind their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the

oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to, and are

happy to, maintain the old custom.

Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked,

'Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once

tried so desperately to change?'

The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, 'Land Mines.'
« Last Edit: July 13, 2009, 04:19:38 pm by David5o »

David5o

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RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #82 on: July 13, 2009, 06:58:13 pm »
A foreign exchange

I had a bunch American dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at my bank. There was only one lady at the window, (an Asian lady) who was trying to exchange Yen for Dollars.
She was a little irritated, she asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen.
....Today I only get hunat eighty?? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."

The Asian lady replies, " well Fluc you white peeple too!"
 
wery woo'd some of these asians pleeple. ...hahaha!!

David5o

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RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #83 on: July 14, 2009, 06:49:23 am »
Dave the chicken

Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white Robe.
'Who the hell are you?' demanded Dave, 'and what are you doing in my bedroom?'
The mysterious man answered 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter.'
Dave was stunned 'You mean I'm dead!?!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family. . . you've got to send me back straight away.'
St Peter replied 'Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.'
Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. 'This ain't so bad' he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said 'So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?'
'It's not so bad' replies Dave, 'but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode.'
'You're ovulating' explained the rooster, 'don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'
'Never!' replies Dave.
'Well just relax and let it happen'
So he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.
When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife screaming and shouting at him.......


'Dave, Dave, ...wake up you paralytic drunken bastard, you've shit the bed.

 

Wow !!,... now that's what you call a "wake-up call"
A LOYAL WIFE


There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real misery when it came to his money. (that means ...he was as Tight as a ducks arse in cramp....water tight!!)  or ( short arms deep pockets.... his hands would/could never reach his money)

Just before he died, he said to his wife, 'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.'

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died.
He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, 'Wait just a minute!'
She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket.
Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.
Her friend said, 'I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband.'
The loyal wife replied 'Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word.
I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.'
'You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?'
'I sure did' said the wife. 'I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a cheque. .....
If he can cash it, he can spend it.'
 
Remind me to specify "CASH" when my time comes around !!  .....hahaha!!
« Last Edit: July 14, 2009, 06:52:45 am by David5o »

David5o

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RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #84 on: July 14, 2009, 09:14:31 am »
HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.



George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.


George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.


He phoned the police, who asked 'Is someone in your house?' and he said 'no'. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said, 'Okay,' hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.


'Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them.' Then he hung up.


Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed.


One of the Policemen said to George: 'I thought you said that you'd shot them!'


George said, ........ and  "I Thought YOU Said There Was Nobody Available!!!!"

I LOVE IT - .....Just Don't you mess with them old people..... you hear !!

David5o

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RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #85 on: July 14, 2009, 02:02:19 pm »
A few pictures to brighten your day




A Teacher's nightmare



You MUST read this brief story before viewing the attached photo.

A class of primary children started a class project to make a plant pot to take home. The teacher wanted to have a plant in it that was easy to take care of, so it was decided to use cactus plants. The children were given greenware pottery in the style of a clown plant pot. They painted them with glaze and had them professionally fired at a class outing so they could see the process.
It was great fun. They planted the cactus seeds in the finished planters and they grew nicely. Unfortunately, however, they were not allowed to take them home. The cactus plants were removed, replaced with a small ivy plant, and the children were then allowed to take them home. The embaressed teacher later said, .... cactus "seemed like a good idea at the time"...




Click on picture to see full size
« Last Edit: July 14, 2009, 02:07:13 pm by David5o »

David5o

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RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #86 on: July 14, 2009, 04:25:29 pm »
Grandma's Don't Know Everything!

Little Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days.
 
He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, 'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth.
'It's called sexual intercourse, darling.'

Little Tony said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,
'Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds.
 
Oh, ....And Jimmy 's mum wants to talk to you.'
 
Ooooops !!

David5o

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RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #87 on: July 14, 2009, 07:12:31 pm »
Chinese Laundry


A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the local Chinese laundry, so she wrote a note and put it in the bag with the next collection of soiled clothes: 'USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!'
She got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the results, so the following week she enclosed another note: 'USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!'
The Chinese laundry man became very annoyed, and when her clean laundry was delivered, it contained a note from HIM: .....'I USE PLENTY SOAP ON PANTY!!! ...YOU TO PLEASE USE MORE PAPER ON ASSI...!!'
 
A fair comment.... haha!!
« Last Edit: July 15, 2009, 02:58:55 pm by David5o »

David5o

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RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #88 on: July 15, 2009, 08:08:09 am »
How to Piss Off Your Neighbour!!!






He must have done something nasty to him in the past ... haha!!
Try this - It's Quite Amazing!!

http://www.dothetest.co.uk/


So ..... How observant were you ??
« Last Edit: July 15, 2009, 08:16:06 am by David5o »

David5o

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RE: JUST FOR A LAUGH
« Reply #89 on: July 15, 2009, 02:57:08 pm »
Silent Fart


An elderly couple are attending a Sunday Mass.

About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'Oh dear, ...I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'

He looks at her sturnly and  replies, ....... '' I'd Put Some New Batteries in your Hearing Aids.''
« Last Edit: July 15, 2009, 03:00:01 pm by David5o »