JUST FOR A LAUGH

[David E]

On behalf of the few Native Aussies left alive after the Brits finished with them, I think you do aboriginals a big dis-service !!!

In fact, I wouldnt be surprised if a Kadaicha Man visited you in the dead of night and infected your groin with the fleas from a thousand Kangaroos !!!:icon_cheesygrin::icon_cheesygrin:

[David5o]

.


Australian Husband Requirement....

An Englishman wants to marry an Irish girl and is told he needs to become Irish before he can do so. It is a very simple operation where they remove 5% of your brain.
Anyway the Englishman wakes up after the operation and the doctor comes up to him looking all worried and says "I am terribly sorry, there has been a mistake to be sure, we accidently removed 50% of your brain instead of 5%!"
The Englishman sits up and simply says "She'll be right, mate"

..


Pommie One Liner Jokes....


What do you call a Pom cricketer with a 100 next to his name? Answer: A bowler

Why are British prisons some of the "safest" in the world? Answer: There's no soap in the showers.

What have cricket bats and soap got in common? Answer: The poms have forgotten how to use either.

What is the definition of dry? Answer: A pommie bastard's bath mat

.

[Bee964]

Daddy's Rules for Dating
Your dad's rules for your boyfriend (or for you if you're a guy) :

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a pizza, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge .. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.The Value of a Drink

'Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink

I feel shame  .    Then I look into the glass and think

about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes

and dreams  .. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out

of work and their dreams would be shattered.

Then I say to myself, 'It is better that I drink this wine and let their

dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.'

~ Jack Handy

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell

happened to your bra and panties.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

'I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they

wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're

going to feel all day. '

~Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher,

smarter, faster and better looking than most people.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

'When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.'

~ Henny Youngman

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

'24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?    I think not.'

~ Stephen Wright

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

'When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,

we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.

When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all

get drunk and go to heaven!'

~ Brian O'Rourke

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

'Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.'

~ Benjamin Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

'Without question, the greatest invention in the

history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the

wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does

not go nearly as well with pizza.'

~ Dave Barry

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!

~ Dave Howell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.

One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the '  Buffalo Theory' to his buddy Norm.

Here's how it went:

'Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo.    And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.  This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.   In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.     Excessive intake of alcohol, as we  know, kills brain cells.    But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.    In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.    That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not

[David5o]

.

Understanding Engineers

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said,
"Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."


________________________________________________________



Important Zen Teachings


1. Do not walk behind me, I maynot lead, Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow.In fact just piss off and leave me alone.

2.The Journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre.

3.The darkest hour is just befor dawn, So if you're going to steal your neighbour's milk that's the time to do it.

4.Sex is like air, It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

5. No one is listering, ... until you fart.

6.Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7.If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortage payments.

8.If at fist you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9.Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10. There are two theories to arguing with a woman . Neither of them works.


.

[Bee964]

David,

In your Zen teachings, number 5 is usually when the air becomes very important too!! Hahahaha!!

Dave C

[David5o]

.

What Starts With F and Ends in K?

A first-grade teacher, Mrs. Robin Graber, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'
Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Mrs. Graber had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Mrs. Graber he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'
Harry: '9.' Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'
Harry: '36.

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Mrs Graber and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'

Mrs. Graber says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'
The principal and Harry both agreed.

Mrs. Graber asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'
Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Mrs. Graber: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Mrs. Graber: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'
Harry: 'Pants.'

Mrs. Graber: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'
Harry: 'Coconut.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Mrs. Graber: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Mrs. Graber: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'
Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.
Mrs. Graber: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'
Harry: 'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told Mrs. Graber, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...... '

[David5o]

.


My boss's lame Cricket jokes about Pommie Bastards


Q. What do Geraint Jones and Michael Jackson have in common?

A. They both wear gloves for no apparent reason


Q. What is the height of optimism?

A. An English batsman applying sunscreen.


Q. What does Ashley Giles put in his hands to make sure the next ball almost
always takes a wicket?

A. A bat.


Q. What would Glen McGrath be if he was an Englishman?

A. An all-rounder.


Q. What advantage do Kevin Pieterson, Andrew Strauss and Geraint Jones have
over the rest of their team-mates?

A. At least they can say they're not really English.


Q. What is the English version of a hat-trick?

A. Three runs in three balls.


Q. What is the most proficient form of footwork displayed by English
batsmen?

A. The walk back to the pavilion.


Q. Who has the easiest job in the English squad?

A. The guy who removes the red ball marks from the bats.


Q. Why is Andrew Flintoff the unluckiest English player?

A. Because he was born in England.


Q. What does "Ashes" stand for?

A. Another Sad Horrific English Series.


Q. What's the English version of LBW?

A. Lost, Beaten, Walloped.


Q. Who spends the most time on the crease of anyone in the English team?

A. The person who ironed the cricket whites.


If the Poms are batting first, tell the taxi to wait!


_________________________________________________________



Pommie Joke About Australians....


A Pommie bastard goes to Australia with his shiela; they stay in a 5 star hotel and hire a Limo for the day. While driving along the road, his wife asks,
"Look! What is that man doing with that kangaroo?"
The pom replies, "My God! Don't look, it's disgusting!"
Further down the road the pommie shiela says, "Look, another one!" and the pom says,
"Disgusting! I shall report this when we get back to the hotel."
They arrive back at the hotel only to find an Aussie with one wooden leg having a wank on the steps of the hotel. The pom charges in and says to the manager,
"Look, we come here in good faith, to stay in your 5 star hotel and what happens? We are driving down the road and we come across a drover in copulation with a kangaroo. Further on, more recurrences of the same thing. Then we get back here only to find a man with one wooden leg, masturbating on your front steps. Well, what do you have to say about that?"
The manager says, 'S'truth mate, you expect a man with one wooden leg to catch his own kangaroo?"

.

[Bee964]

HELL EXPLAINED

BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on a  University  of Arizona  chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.  


 

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :  


 

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?  


 

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.  


 

 One student, however, wrote the following:  

 First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely.. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.  


  Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.


 

This gives two possibilities:  


  1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.  

  2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.  

So which is it?  

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... ....leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'  

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

[shaun]

It was either that or she was complaining about how bad he was and that she should have stuck with her original idea.

[David5o]

.

Defective Parrot!


A bloke is not getting along so well with his wife, thinks maybe he'd
like to have a pet, goes to a pet shop. After looking around he spots
a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs.
The guy says out loud, "Christ, I wonder what happened to this
parrot."

.

"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."

"Ha, ha," he laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood
what I said and answered me."

"I understood every word," says the parrot. "I'm a highly intelligent,
thoroughly educated bird. "

"Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this: how do you hang onto your
perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but since you
asked I'll tell you. I wrap my weenie around this wooden
bar, kind of like a little hook. You can't see it because of my
feathers."

"Wow," he says, "you really can understand and answer, can't you?"

"Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with
reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion,
sports, physics, philosophy ... and I am especially good at
ornithology. You ought to buy me. I am a great companion."

The guy looks at the price tag. "£100!" he says. "I can't afford
that."

"Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing.
"Nobody wants me 'cos I don't have any feet, I'm defective remember,
I reckon you can get me for £10, just make an offer."

The bloke offers the £10 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by.
The parrot is sensational. He's funny, he's interesting, he's a great
mate, he understands everything, sympathises, gives good advice. The
man is delighted.

One he comes home from work and the parrot says, "psst," and motions
him over with one wing. Bloke goes up close to the cage.

"I don't know if I should tell you this or not," says the parrot, "but
it's about your wife and the postman..."

"What?" says the guy. "What?"

"Well," the parrot says, "when the postman came to the door today your
wife greeted him in a sheer night-gown and kissed him on the mouth."

"What happened then?"

"Then the mailman came into the house and lifted up the night-gown and
began petting her all over," reports the parrot.

"Oh no! Then what?"

"Then he lifted up the night-gown, got down on his knees and began
kissing her body, starting with her breasts and slowly going down and
down..." The parrot pauses for a long time.

"Then what happened? What happened?!" asks the frantic man.

"Sorry, I don't know," says the parrot, "that's when I got an erection and fell off me perch."


_____________________________________________



AUSSIE PUSSY....

An Aussie steps into a lift, ...inside is a very pretty girl..He looks her straight in the eye and says ..Can i smell your Pussy luv ..shock horror she replies, ....NO YOU BLOODY CANT YOU RUDE GIT..
He says's, ... Sorry, ...Well it must be your FEET then Sheila....

[David5o]

.

Filipino wage increase in Cyprus

Filipino maid asked for a pay increase.
Wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise .
She asked: 'Now Julita, why do you want a pay increase?'
Julita: 'Well, are three reason I want increase.'
The first is, I iron better than you.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Julita: 'Your husband, he say so.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Julita: 'The secon' reason, I am better cook than you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
Julita: 'Your husband, he did.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'Third reason is, I much better lover than you..'
Wife: (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'
Maria: 'No Madam...the gardener, he did.'
Pause---
Wife: 'So how much do you want?

.

[David5o]

A Teacher's Story About Stuttering

THIS HAS TO BE ONE OF THE MOST INNOCENT LITTLE STORIES THAT I HAVE COME ACROSS.

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says.

A little girl raises her hand and said, "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.".

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!".

"That must've been scary!", said the teacher.

"It sure was.", said the little girl. "My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, Ffffff!," but before she could say 'F**off !,' the Rottweiler ate her!

The teacher had to leave the room

[Philip]

Is this what we've been Con-Demed to?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sg-4ATrE8n0

[David5o]

Philip,

One things for sure, ....It's not looking Good!!!!  Seems all that was said before the election has been tossed into touch already!!! Like the old adage says, ....There are liars, ....and then there are Politicians!!!!

David....

[shaun]

Philip,

One things for sure, ....It's not looking Good!!!!  Seems all that was said before the election has been tossed into touch already!!! Like the old adage says, ....There are liars, ....and then there are Politicians!!!!

David....

And the politicians make the liars look like saints!