JUST FOR A LAUGH

[David5o]

.



Air Traffic Control


Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers.....

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
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Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
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From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
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O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this..I've got the little Fokker in sight."
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A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
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A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
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A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): " Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"

I thought these were very good....
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Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... We've already notified our caterers."
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One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
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The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground round (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."
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While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

[David5o]

.
Age!!!

No matter what age you get to.....


click to enlarge...

Implants Last Forever!!!

[shaun]

Yes but I bet they are as hard as a rock by now.

[Bee964]

This goes with the lasting implants picture! Hahaha!

Gotta love us old-er GENTLEMEN !




A man was sunbathing naked at the beach.
For the sake of civility,
and to keep it from getting sunburned,
he had a hat over his privates.

A woman walks past and says, snickering,
"If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."

He raised an eyebrow and replied,
"If you weren't so ugly it would lift itself."

[David5o]

Lipstick in School

According to a news report, a certain private school was recently faced with a unique problem. Many students who were 12-year-olds were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would have to remove them and the next day they would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called them all to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses). To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show them how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and proceeded to clean the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror!!

 There are teachers.... and then there are educators.

[David5o]

THE JEWISH FUNERAL


 

Sam died. His will provided $50,000 for an elaborate funeral.

As the last attendees left, Sam's wife Rose turned to her oldest friend
Sadie and said, "Well, I'm sure Sam would be pleased."


"I'm sure you're right," replied Sadie, who leaned in close and lowered
her
voice to a whisper. "Tell me, how much did it really cost?"

"All of it," said Rose. "Fifty thousand."

"No!" Sadie exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but really...
$50,000?"

Rose nodded. "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the shul for the
Rabbi's services. The shiva food and drinks were another $500. The rest
went
for the memorial stone."

Sadie computed quickly. "$42,500 for a memorial stone? Oy vey, how big
is it?"

"Exactly Five and a half carats dear!!!!

.

[David5o]

A Secret?


Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.

The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.

The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want 5 loaves.

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves...by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard"

He replied,  ...."I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about this shit but me."

[Bee964]

Siamese twins walk into a pub in Canada and park themselves on a bar stool.

    One of them says to the bartender, 'Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip. I'm John,
he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please.'

    The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while
pouring the beers.

    'Been on holiday yet, lads?'

    'Off to England next month,' says John. 'We go to England every year, rent a car
and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?' Jim agrees.

    'Ah, England!' says the bartender. 'Wonderful country ... the history, the beer, the culture...'

    'Nah, we don't like that British crap,' says John.

    'Hamburgers & Molsons beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English ---
they're so arrogant and rude.'

    'So why keep going to England?' asks the bartender.

    'It's the only chance Jim gets to drive.'

[Bee964]

I enjoyed this one and I think you will too.
     
     
 A   cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote   mountainous pasture in   Alberta  when   suddenly a brand-new  BMW   advanced toward him out of a cloud of   dust...
    The   driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci  shoes,RayBan  sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the  window and asked the  cowboy, "If I tell you exactly  how many cows and calves you  have in your herd, Will  you give me a calf?"   
   Bud   looks at the man, obviously  a  yuppie,   then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly  answers,  "Sure, Why   not?"
  The   yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook  computer,  connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell  phone, and surfs to a  NASA page on the Internet, where  he calls up a GPS satellite  to get an exact fix on his  location which he then feeds to  another NASA satellite  that scans the  area   in an ultra-high-resolution  photo.
   The   young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe  Photoshop and  exports it to an image processing  facility inHamburg ,   Germany .
   Within   seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that  the image  has been processed and the data  stored. He  then accesses an MS-SQL database  through an ODBC connected  Excel spreadsheet with email  on his Blackberry and, after a  few minutes, receives a  response.
   Finally,   he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his  hi-tech,  miniaturized HP LaserJet printer,turns to   the  cowboy   and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves..."   
   "That's   right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,"  says Bud.   
   He   watches the young man select one of the animals and  looks on  with amusement as the young man stuffs it  into the trunk of  his car.
   Then   Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you  exactly  what your business is, will you give me back  my calf?" 
  The   young man thinks about it for a second and then says,  "Okay,  why not?"
 "You're   a Member of Parliament for the Canadian Government",  says  Bud.
   "Wow!   That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you  guess  that?"
 "No   guessing required." answered   the cowboy. "You   showed up here even though nobody called you; you want  to get  paid for an answer I already knew, to a  question I never  asked. You  used millions  of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me  how  much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about  cows, for  that matter. This  is a herd  of  sheep.
Now give me back my dog. 

Dave C

[Bee964]

the people with cats can relate!!!  lol


 
 



 Excerpts from a Dog's Diary......
 
       
 8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
 9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
 9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
 10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
 12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
  1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
  3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
  5:00 pm - Milk Bones! My favorite thing!
  7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
  8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
 11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
         
 
        Excerpts from a Cat 's Daily Diary...
     
         
 Day 983 of my captivity...
 
 My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects..  They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.
 
 Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.
 
 The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.  In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
 
 Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet.  I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of.  However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am.  The bastards.
 
 There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight.  I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event.  However, I could hear the noises and smell the food.  I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.'  I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.
 
 Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking.  I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.
 

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches..  The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return.  He is obviously retarded..

The bird has got to be an informant.  I observe him communicating with the guards regularly.  I am certain that he reports my every move.  My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now.........


 

[Bee964]

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, 'OK old fart, time for you to retire.'

The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens.  Look what it has done to me?  Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?'

The young rooster says, 'Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over.'

The old rooster says, 'I tell you what, young stud.  I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.'

The young rooster laughs.  'You know you don't stand a chance, old man.  So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start.'

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him.  They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.  He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast!

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by.  The Old Rooster is squawking and running as hard as he can.  The Farmer grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, 'Dammit.....third gay rooster I bought this month.'

Moral of this story? ....

Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery always overcome youth and arrogance!

[Okie_Rob]

DRAFTING GUYS OVER
 
This is funny & obviously written by a Former Soldier...
New Direction for any war:  Send Service Vets over 60!

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys.. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds.. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a week maybe, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for awhile.

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10am.. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.
 
If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys.. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them.

HEY!!  How about recruiting Women over 50....in menopause!!! You think old MEN have attitudes??

Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!!  If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night!

[Bee964]

FIRST TIME SEX
 
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents.

Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time...   

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms... He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack... The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent’s house and meets his girlfriend at the door.

"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'

The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'

Dave C

[Bee964]

BEST Newfie  PICK UP LINE
........EVER:

A Newfie walks into a  pub and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.   
He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'
'No', he replies,'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it..'
The intrigued woman says, 'a state-of-the-art watch?
''What's so special about it?'
The Newfie explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'
The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'

Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'
The woman giggles and replies
'Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'

The Newfie smiles, taps his watch and says,
' It's an hour fast!'

[Okie_Rob]

She is newest member of forum .. and she is available... says she is good kisser!!! .... but shy!!

Ok! well I tried ... for the lips are supposed to be antimated kissing,,,, for this is a gif file??