JUST FOR A LAUGH

[john1964]

Toward the end of the golf game, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up trashing just about every buttercup in the patch. All of a sudden... POOF!! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.

She said "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life. Better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life. AS A MATTER OF FACT you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!

Then POOF!! she was gone!

After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend "Fred, where are you?" Fred yells back "I'm over here in the pussy willows".

Dave shouts back "DON'T SWING, FRED! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!!"

[john1964]

A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane.

"It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor. As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.

"Fly over the north side of the fire" said the photographer "and make three or four low level passes". "Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation.

After a long pause the pilot said "You mean you're not the instructor?"

[shaun]

Only in Georgia!!!

West Georgia mattress movers face charges
Georgia Newspaper Partnership
Friday, Oct. 25, 2013 7:48 AM    Last updated 7:51 AM

 
Follow Latest News
COLUMBUS, Ga. -- A man and woman were arrested for reckless conduct after police observed the woman driving with a mattress on her roof — and the man laying on top of the mattress, according to Columbus police.

The Ledger-Enquirer reports about 4 a.m. Wednesday, patrolling officers saw a Jeep driving on 2nd Avenue with an unsecured mattress on its roof.

After initiating a traffic stop, the officer reportedly asked the driver, Samantha Tate, why there was a man laying on her mattress, and no straps.

“Our ratchet straps broke,” she said, according to the report.

[Vince G]

thanks for the good laugh Shaun

[shaun]

Another true Georgia story!!!!!!!!


Georgia man runs into burning home to save beer
 


Associated Press

Saturday, Oct. 26, 2013 6:57 AM   
Last updated 6:42 PM
 
 

 
 Follow Latest News

COLUMBUS,   Ga .  — A man who walks with a cane was not injured when he ran into a burning Columbus   house to recover beer he left inside the house.



Officials are investigating the cause of the fire that broke out Thursday afternoon. Residents of the home say they believe the fire was caused by a water heater.

Six adults and two young children were inside watching television when the room began filling with smoke. After the children were rescued and everyone made it outside safely, Walter Serpit told WVTM television ( http://bit.ly/1eNR6vS   ) that he went back inside to retrieve his beer.

He said he went back inside "like a dummy" and the door shut behind him. He said he was able to escape without being burned and managed to save several cans of beer.

I know I know.  You wish you were from Georgia now.

[Arnold]

hahaha..... and here I thought California was bad! Please keep those Folks from leaving Georgia1

[shaun]

Arnold we send all of our rejects to California. 

[Scottish_Robbie]

The Scots Tongue

The Scots Hae words jist o ther ain.
Tae English folk its mare than pain.
A bawhair means jist shy o inch
The English mite say ,use a pinch.

Awrite Bawbag is friendly greet
when in street a friend you meet.
Howz it gaun a friend will say
to gather news about your day.

Moan then, can be , accompany me
Or to a challenged fight can be.
Ma Bit means my lovely house
where I reside with child and spouse.

Awaw n dinnae geez yer pish.
Casts doubt from words spewed fae yer dish.
Yer dish you see would be your face
but be yer dish tae Scottish race.

A Hunner may mean just two or three.
A hundred would then, thoosans be.
Whar yi fae can be a test
Say England, only if in armoured vest.

Stoor just means its common dust
paps can mean a women's bust.
A Steamin gent has had a few
With belly fu of Tennants brew.

A Mortal gent has drunk his best
and may upon the pavement rest.
A Swally means a friendly drink
Tae Boak means head to pan or sink.

To gie it laldy , is try your best
A friend may shout just prior to test.
A Baltic day be one that's cold .
A Hingoot be a maiden bold.

A Hoachin bloke mite not be clean
our name for eyes is simply een.
To Haud the Bus means can you stop.
The Pakies means your local shop.

A Jammy wee get be lucky chap.
Ti gie it a dunt is give a tap.
A Bampot be person acting wild.
A Wean of course is Scottish child.

Thers hunnners mare that a kin say
perhaps al dae anither day.
Am sure yi see that wae them aw
Scottish lingo is nae half Braw.

[RobertBfrom aust]

 

Subject: Irish

 


Mick and Paddy had promised their Uncle Seamus, who had been a seafaring gent all his life, to bury him at sea when he died.

 

Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the boys kept their promise.

 

They set off with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.

 

After a while Mick says, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?'

 

Without a word Paddy slips over the side only to find himself standing in water up to his knees.

 

'Dis'll never do, Mick. Let's row some more.'

 

After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again but the water is only up to his belly, so they row on.

 

Again Mick asks Paddy, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out Paddy?'

 

Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says, 'No dis'll neva do.' The water was only up to his chest.

 

So on they row and row and row and finally Paddy slips over the side and disappears.

 

Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface gasping for breath.

 

'Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?'

 

WAIT FOR IT…….

 

'Aye 'tis,

 

NOW hand me dat shovel.'

 

[RobertBfrom aust]

The more you think about this one, the funnier it gets. Short & sweet, a good one.

     A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. Preparing to write a cheque, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller, and without missing a beat, she says: 






 
    'Well, that's great....that's just great..........some arsehole's got my pen!'

[RobertBfrom aust]

Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing.
Paddy replied, 'We're supposed to be finding the height of this flagpole, but we don't have a ladder..'
The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down.
She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches.
Then, she walked off.
Mick said to Paddy, 'Isn't that just like a blonde!
We need the bloody height, and she gives us the length.

[JohnB]

LEARNING TO CUSS

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard.
The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we
started learning to cuss". The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year old continues, "When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say
something with hell and you say something with ass".
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he
wants for breakfast, he replies,
"Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios".

WHACK!
He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up,
and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit,
slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts,
"You can stay there until I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with
a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know", he blubbers, "but you can bet your ass it won't be
Cheerios!

[JohnB]

A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before his congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that read, whenever the pastor's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
However, this started to get outright expensive after six children! So the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the pastor's expanding salary.
At the meeting, there was a great deal of yelling and bickering about how much the pastor's additional children were costing the church and, how much more it could potentially cost them.
After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke,
"Children are a gift from God, and we will
take as many gifts as He gives us."
Silence fell over the congregation. After an awkward pause, from the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice,
"Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we put on our rubbers."

[JohnB]

Philosopher's Comments....

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Sasha Guitry

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy.
If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Anonymous

The great question, which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?"
Dumas

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Sigmund Freud

'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'
Red Skelton

'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.'
Sam Kinison

'I've had bad luck with both my wives.
The first one left me, and the second one didn't.'
James Holt McGavra

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming.
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Patrick Murray

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once....
Nash

You know what I did before I married?
Anything I wanted to.
Anonymous

My wife and I were happy for twenty years.
Then we met.
Henny Youngman

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Rodney Dangerfield

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'
Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'
Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'
Anonymous

[JohnB]

MALE-FAIRY TALE

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?" The Princess said, "No!!!" And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and dated skinny long-legged full-breasted women and hunted and fished and raced cars and went to naked bars and dated ladies half his age and drank whiskey, beer and Captain Morgan and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and dated cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and ate spam and potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was friggin cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank - and left the toilet seat UP!

The end