JUST FOR A LAUGH

[JohnB]

Difference Between Grandfathers and Grandmothers……

Have you ever wondered what the difference between Grandmothers and Grandfathers is? Well here it is:

A friend, a grandfather, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time -- just him and his granddaughter. One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out. When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her Grandfather.

'Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?'

'Oh yes, Papa' the girl replied, 'and do you know what? We didn't see a single ass hole, dumb bastard, dip shit or horse's ass anywhere we went today!'

Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

[Robertt S]

[Pineau]

I could have predicted it.

[Pineau]

https://www.facebook.com/268893639610/photos/a.494929744610.267980.268893639610/10152143812099611/?type=1&theater

[JohnB]

The "Old Golfer"

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good looking, older
retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my
last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip
and a gun. Who wants to try out first?
" The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right
into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there,
she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles.
He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He
then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"
The tough old golfer replies,"No problem, just get that lion out of there."

[JohnB]

Robert De Niro is great.
Robert De Niro was born August 17, 1943. To celebrate his birthday, here is the two-time Oscar winner—who has appeared in nearly 100 films—telling Playboy about his first time on camera.

PLAYBOY: Do you remember your first experience before the cameras?
ROBERT DE NIRO: There was some little thing I did that I don't know whatever happened to. Some walk-on for an independent film: I walked in and ordered a drink at a bar.
I remember a bunch of other young actors hanging around, moaning and bitching, all made up, with pieces of tissue in their collars; it was the kind of thing you always hear about actors—where they're just silly or vain, complaining back and forth, walking around primping, not wanting to get the make-up on their shirts.
PLAYBOY: So you didn't exactly feel as if you had found a home.
ROBERT DE NIRO: No, I didn't want to be around those people at all. I just walked in and walked out. I was nervous, though, just to say the line "Gimme a drink." It makes me think of that joke: "Hark! I hear the cannon roar!" You know that joke?
PLAYBOY: No.
ROBERT DE NIRO: I'm surprised you never heard it; it's a famous actor's joke.
This guy hasn't acted in about 15 years, because he always forgets his lines, so finally he has to give it up. He's working in a gas station and gets a phone call from someone saying that they want him for a Shakespearean play—all he has to do is say, "Hark! I hear the cannon roar!" He says, "Well, God, I don't know." The director says, "Look, it'll be OK. You'll get paid and everything." So he says, "OK, I'll do it." The play has five acts and he has to go on in the third act and say, "Hark! I hear the cannon roar!" That's all he has to do. So he rehearses it when he's in his apartment: "Hark! I hear the cannon roar! Hark! I hear the cannon roar! Hark! I hear the cannon roar!" Every variation, every possible emphasis. They're into rehearsal, and he's got it written on his mirror: "Hark! I hear the cannon roar! Hark! I hear the cannon roar! Hark! I hear the cannon roar!" And so on. Finally, comes opening night, first act, no problem. Second act, things go fine. Audience applauds. Stage manager says, "You have five minutes for the third act." He tells him to get backstage. His time comes, he runs out, muttering to himself, "Hark! I hear the cannon roar! Hark! I hear the cannon roar! Hark! I hear the cannon roar!" And as he runs out, he hears a big brrrooooom!! Turns around and says, "What the fuck was that?"

http://www.motherjones.com/mixed-media/2014/08/robert-de-niro-bervous-first-time-on-camera-playboy

[JohnB]

Robbers entered a bank in a small town.
One of them shouted: "Don't move! The money belongs to the bank. Your lives belong to you.”
Immediately all the people in the bank laid on the floor quietly and without panic ...

This is an example of how the correct wording of a sentence can make everyone change their view of the world.

One woman laid on the floor in a provocative manner.
The robber approached her saying, "Ma'am, this is a robbery not a rape. Please behave accordingly"

This is an example of how to behave professionally, and focus on the goal.

While running from the bank the youngest robber (who had a college degree) said to the oldest robber (who
had barely finished elementary school): "Hey, maybe we should count how much we stole?"
The older man replied: "Don’t be stupid. It's a lot of money so let's wait for the news on TV to find out how much money was
taken from the bank" ...

This is an example of how life experience is more important than a degree.

After the robbery, the manager of the bank said to his accountant:"Let's call the cops and tell them how much has been stolen."
"Wait,” said the Accountant, "before we do that, let's add the $800,000 we took for ourselves a few months ago and just say
that it was stolen as part of today’s robbery." ...

This is an example of taking advantage of an opportunity.

The following day it was reported in the news that the bank was robbed of $ 3 million.
The robbers then counted the money, but they found only $1 million so they started to grumble.
"We risked our lives for $1 million, while the bank's management robbed two million dollars without blinking? Maybe it’s better to
learn how to work the system, instead of being a simple robber" ...

This is an example of how knowledge can be more useful than power.

Moral: Give a person a gun and he can rob a bank ... Give a person a bank and he can rob everyone ...

[Pineau]

Husband Finds His Wife’s Shoe Box Full Of Money, He Confronts Her And This Happens…

http://www.quickmeme.com/news/?p=3287

[Robertt S]

[Robertt S]

[JustJim]

That's a good one....   I wish I had been in that line....   That guy has a lot of chutzpah.

[RobertBfrom aust]

Subject: : 50 Shades of Grey

 

 

He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forwards
then backwards, forward then backward, again and again.
Back and forth, back and forth, in and out, a little to the right, a little
to the left, she could feel the sweat on her forehead, between her breasts,
and trickling down the small of her back, she was getting near to the end.
Her heart was pounding, her face was flushed,she moaned, softly at first,
then began to groan louder.
 
Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted,

"OK, OK, I can't parallel park! You do it, you smug bastard."

[Robertt S]

Letters from Bootcamp

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Ma and Pa:
 
    I am well. Hope y’all are too. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps is easy and beats working for old man Minch by a country mile. They really ought to join up quick before all the places are filled.
   I was restless at first because they make you stay in bed till nearly 5:00 a.m., but I am getting so I like to sleepin in late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you has to do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine your boots and buckles. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, hay to lay… practically nothing. Men gots to shave but it is not so bad, they’ve even got warm water.
   Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on the pork chops, fried potatoes, salt cured ham, steak, sausage, gravy and biscuits and other regular breakfast foods, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by some city boys that live on coffee and doughnuts. Their food plus yours holds you till noon when you get fed again. It’s no wonder these city boys can’t walk far.
   Speakin of walkin; we go on “route marches” which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to toughen us up. If he thinks so, it’s not my place to tell him different. A “route march” is about as far as to our mailbox at home. The countryside is nice but awfully flat. We don’t climb hills or nothin. Them city guys get sore feet and we all get to ride back in trucks. The Sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags us a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown. They don’t bother you none.
   This next part will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting! I don’t know why. The bulls-eye is purt-ear as big as a chipmunk’s head and it don’t move, and it ain’t shooting back at you like the Higgett boys do at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don’t even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
   Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain’t like fighting with that ole bull at home. I’m about the best they got in this except for that guy Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I’m only 5’6″ and 130 pounds, and he’s 6’8″ and weighs near 300 pounds dry.
   Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
Gail
 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[JohnB]

Fred was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.
He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time,
so Fred bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from
a distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out his efficiency report by just
listening to the bells.

Fred's favorite rooster, Old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this one morning he noticed that Old Butch's bell hadn't
rung at all! When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets,
hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. To Fred's amazement, Old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.
He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. Fred was so proud of Old Butch, that he entered him in the
County Fair, and Old Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges. The judges not only awarded Old Butch the
"No Bell Piece Prize", but they also awarded him the "Pullet Surprise" as well. Clearly Old Butch was a politician in the making.

Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up
on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully in the next election --- you can't always hear the bells.

[JohnB]

It's Not About The Nail!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg