I miss her. How do you deal with it?

[Arnold]

She tells me she wants the pillow when she gets here because of all of the love that is in it .

Arnold I am really jealous of you man.  8 more days then your life starts for real.  Right now I feel I am in a holding pattern.

Now that is Love .. Jim . Please save that Pillow for me .

Don't be jealous Jim , that is something we all got to pay the price for . To think it's now going to be almost two year's , since we started writing . I think we deserve it ... for the waiting to come to an end .:icon_cheesygrin:

[Hans]

Here's how it goes for me.

I cannot almost bear it first couple of days back. I keep waking up thinking I'm back in China an shes there beside me but shes not...
That stops and you stop thinking of her every second to maybe only once a minute, then onean hour, but probably not more than that ever.
Because you are starved of sensory input from her, every contact becomes much more important, every morsel of information analysed, dissected, powered over, you start to see shadows in the corners where isnt any.

When you realise you are at this stage you need to pull back re-asses and get a second opinion from the brotherhood before you do something stupid!

Interesting thread - about something crucial to us all in a sense.

I'm having these symptoms and I haven't even met my lady yet. This is the problem in a nutshell: "Every morsel of information analysed, dissected, powered over, you start to see shadows in the corners where isnt any." My mood keep changing from one day to another depending on if I've received a letter from her or not and what she wrote. It's funny, I can be very disappointed with one letter when I first read it and then I read it again the next day and I can't find what was so disappointing in the first place. I guess my expectations play games with my head every time. :huh: And all the small questions of doubt that just won't disappear. Why didn't she tell me more about the package I sent to her? She said she was excited and happy but did not comment on the items. At first I felt that she told me she had received it although she hadn't but there's no sense to that, to be honest. And why doesn't she reply my emails like before? I know she works a lot but these kinds of questions can put you in a paranoia state of mind.

The best "solution" is to go and see the lady, I'm sure of that much. That will either clear some of the confusion or end the whole affair. Either way, it is better than staying home with ones own thoughts and concerns.

[Jimmy]

Send her a big shirt. Tell her  to wear it every night when she sleeps for about a week. She should wrap it in a plastic bag send it back.
When you wake up you will swear she is right there. I have done it

[Philip]

Hi Andy,
I have quite a few things in common with you. I wrote to my lady for about six months before meeting her. I met her in exactly the same week you met your lady. She is also from Changsha. And we miss each other terribly.
Apart from all the helpful advice that has been given so far, I would recommend doing something physical. Take a picture of snow, like Arnold. Make something for her with your hands. I am carving a small stone sculpture. I always find that doing something physical and practical gets me out of my head, which can be a dangerous place when it gets too introspective. Thoughts, left to their own devices for too long just go around in circles - it's unhealthy. If I get stuck in a thought pattern, I have to go somewhere, go for a walk, or I have to do something, make something and that breaks the cycle.
I feel I need to be strong for her, strong for the both of us, and it helps neither of us if we are both depressed at the same time. So I just do something small that furthers our relationship, but brings s closer. And ultimately, after I have done it, I realise that I am suddenly a few hours closer to seeing her again.
Yesterday, I went to my Chinese class. Today, I went to see a film with my sister, who told me she already loves my lady, because she makes me happy

[mustfocus]

Send her a big shirt. Tell her  to wear it every night when she sleeps for about a week. She should wrap it in a plastic bag send it back.
When you wake up you will swear she is right there. I have done it

As a corollary (I think that's the word) to this, you could wear a shirt and get your smell into it and send it to her...I'm sure that if you're feeling it, so is she...

[Andy]

Hi Andy,
I have quite a few things in common with you. I wrote to my lady for about six months before meeting her. I met her in exactly the same week you met your lady. She is also from Changsha. And we miss each other terribly.
Apart from all the helpful advice that has been given so far, I would recommend doing something physical. Take a picture of snow, like Arnold. Make something for her with your hands. I am carving a small stone sculpture. I always find that doing something physical and practical gets me out of my head, which can be a dangerous place when it gets too introspective. Thoughts, left to their own devices for too long just go around in circles - it's unhealthy. If I get stuck in a thought pattern, I have to go somewhere, go for a walk, or I have to do something, make something and that breaks the cycle.
I feel I need to be strong for her, strong for the both of us, and it helps neither of us if we are both depressed at the same time. So I just do something small that furthers our relationship, but brings s closer. And ultimately, after I have done it, I realise that I am suddenly a few hours closer to seeing her again.
Yesterday, I went to my Chinese class. Today, I went to see a film with my sister, who told me she already loves my lady, because she makes me happy

I meet a fellow from the UK, while I was in Changsha. I wonder if you are that person. He was visiting a girl from the same agency and he had the same translator as I did.

Send her a big shirt. Tell her  to wear it every night when she sleeps for about a week. She should wrap it in a plastic bag send it back.
When you wake up you will swear she is right there. I have done it

As a corollary (I think that's the word) to this, you could wear a shirt and get your smell into it and send it to her...I'm sure that if you're feeling it, so is she...

I gave her my cologne when I left and also my deodorant stick. I believe she keeps it in her purse. Unfortunately she did not gave me her perfume and I did not ask for it.

[brett]

Brett,

A couple of points from your post...  Can you explain how sending EMF's to your lady is going to increase her final/eventual bill with her agency?? She already knows the eventual bill, she has a signed contract telling her!! As far as the EMF's are conserned, your paying for them, so that in no-way is going to increase her bill!!!!!!

You keep calling the salary of your lady ''slave money'', it may well be compared to western salaries, but she isn't working in any of them, she's working in China, and frankly that's the going rate. Her bills and taxes are miniscule to what you pay, and her cost of living is also miniscule to yours. Everything is relevant my friend.

Now.... if i remember correctly, we were saying the same things about Japanese goods back in the 60's, as in that they were all ''crap''!! Now look at what Japan has achieved in those years since then!!  The same thing will happen with China, only it wont take them as long.....


David......

Hi David,

I am getting a bit edgy about the agency as my lady is a bit cagey about discussing costs and I know that some agencies can charge substantial sums. I know that I haven't signed up with the agency but I don't know how enforceable the contracts with the ladies are. Would a lady earning 1000RMB a month sign something saying you had to pay $5000 once a husband is found? Well until I told her, my lady had no idea about what stuff cost in the West, so I guess they might.

As to the slave job, well I maintain my stance on that. China is cheap, but it sure as hell ain't that cheap. If I married my lady and got a similar job to her, then we wouldn't have much of a life although I guess that since we'd both be in work for most of the week we wouldn't get much chance to actually spend much.

And on China's economy, well I am more certain that a gigantic global crash is looming. The problem of too much debt in the system has not been addressed and global governments are solving the debt bubble with an inflation bubble. The next decade will be very interesting :dodgy:.

To get the thread back on topic, another good tip for brothers who have yet to meet their ladies is to take many photos of their lady while they were out there. Every time I worry about our relationship I look at the photos and remember the good times we had together.

[Willy The Londoner]

Brett

My lady earns the same as yours and her contract was for 40,000 rmb if she married whilst under that contract.

Fortunately the agency cancelled her contract for reasons that I instigated.

Willy

PS the ladies are told by the agencies that they should not worry because their new husbands will pay for them.

[Brian Mc]

Greetings Brothers,

Well let me tell you how I dealt with being parted from Zhen.  Leaving her at the airport in Beijing was hands down the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.  When my father died and we all gathered for the funeral I did not cry, yet long before leaving Zhen at the security gate in the airport I had tears rolling down my face. When I actually had to walk through the gate we were both crying like babies.  Never again do I ever want to feel like that.  I felt like my heart and soul had been ripped from me and a great empty void remained.

Once I arrived in Canada I knew it would never again be home for me without Zhen at my side.  Every single day was harder than the last to the point I couldnt think without seeing Zhens face in my head.  I would start into tears at the slightest thought.  It was painful.  Finally I came to the realization that I could not live apart from her.

So I did what I had to do, I quit my job, my apartment and my entire life in Canada and moved to China to be with her.  She was the second happiest person in the Beijing airport when I arrived, I of course the the happiest.

For me it worked out, I have a job teaching english at a pretty decent school, Zhen has given up her job and life in Handan to move with me to Wuhu and we are both very happy together.

While I obviously do not advocate this course for everyone, for me and Zhen it was the only way to go

So my advice is do as Neil and others have said and get out of your head and keep busy from morning till you collapse into bed or give it all up and drag your butt to CHina to be with her.  It worked for me it may not work for you but if you cannot live without her what choice do you have?

Good Luck brother I surely feel for you.

Sincerely,

Zhen and Brian

[David5o]

Brett,

Do you know of a country where it is cheaper to live than China?? ...I do, and i can also tell you that the salaries are less than China too!!! If your lady works in an office, then her working hours are such that she would be working five and a half days a week, or 60 hours not 7 days a week (not in an office anyway). This is normal working times in China, as well as most other Asian countries. That's true of a good deal of the Middle East too. You are looking at this from the perspective of UK, and you just can't do that, when talking about other countries, their whole way of life is different. I can tell you that in most of those countries the population as a whole, are a damn site happier than those in UK too....

As for the agency fee's, virtually every lady under contract to these agencies have a marriage fee anywhere from 30 to 50,000 RMB, so yes they will and do sign-up for these fee's. As Willy has stated, many of these agencies will tell the ladies not to worry about such fee's as there prospective new husbands will pay these fees for them....  The agencies are not fools Brett, few if none of the ladies would be able to pay such high fee's, and by the way, very few husbands will pay the full amount either!!  Everything around money is negotiable in China, only those with more money than sense would pay the full amount!!! But i'm sure a few have....
David.....

[brett]

David - my lady currently works 7 days a week and overtime is unpaid. This is a busy time of year for them, but she's been doing that since I got back from Wuhan. She used to do 6 days a week 8-6 which is pretty rough for an office job.

Oh I tell I lie, she got half a day off for her birthday :s, and a mooncake in October.

On top of that there's client entertaining to do some evenings.

We're very lucky in the West :icon_cheesygrin:!

[Scottish_Rob]

On top of that there's client entertaining to do some evenings.

I'm sitting, laughing my ASS off!!! Yes, I am sure this lady is doing some entertaining!:icon_twisted: especially during the evenings! She has a life and is living it, without..........:icon_cheesygrin:

Biggy!!!....ROFLMAO:icon_cheesygrin::icon_cheesygrin:

[shaun]

On top of that there's client entertaining to do some evenings.

I'm sitting, laughing my ASS off!!! Yes, I am sure this lady is doing some entertaining!:icon_twisted: especially during the evenings! She has a life and is living it, without..........:icon_cheesygrin:

Biggy!!!....ROFLMAO:icon_cheesygrin::icon_cheesygrin:

Jim,

Your cruel. :icon_cheesygrin:

Shaun

[Irishman]

Its not just tough on us, Sunny cried last weekend when we were discussing my last day here - how to get to the airport, what time etc. I told her no more discussion of that until Saturday afternoon at the earliest.

Its going to be the worst and best ever leaving from China I think.
Its not goodbye, its see you later.

It will still totally suck big time, of that i have no doubt. I don't give a crap about crying in an an airport any more, I'm a pro at it at this stage, they don't know me i don't know them so fuck it, let the grief out and move on.

[Andy]

When it was time for us to separate at the airport I was strong enough not to cry, but she did not cry either. I guess that gave me strength not to start leaking. Her friends were all crying. I can't remember the last time I did cry. I should just let it go next time.