When You know it is just right

[shaun]

Thank you Ron.  I will discuss with Peggy.

[RobertBfrom aust]

Just a thought Shaun , for Western Union or Moneygram , I would be sure to be sure , that who it is going to is , as is on her I D card which is to be sure to be sure not Peggy , regards Ying and Robert .

[Neil]

I sent Nina money with Paypal.  Once.  It was the biggest hassle ever.  Took her over a month to straighten it all out.  Paypal is great in Canada and the US, but there are a lot of hassles via China.  Name?  Xin Ruan or Ruan Xin or her name in Chinese?  Currency?  It's just a big pain in the ass.  

I've been using Western Union, but I might try Moneygram.

[brett]

I also tried to use PayPal but between the language issues and the currency controls it was a nightmare. I did actually send my lady some cash, but I don't think she could do anything with it as the withdrawl fees were huge.

Western Union are very expensive, and once the various parties get their cut you're left with a big hole where money once was.

I think a few brothers here have had success with direct deposits into their lady's bank account.

Personally I send 100RMB notes in envelopes or parcels to my lady's work address. I put in a maximum of 500RMB a go, and so far none of it has gone missing.

Obviously be aware of sending too much cash to a lady you've never met :icon_cheesygrin:.

[shaun]

Just got off the phone with paypal.  It appears that Peggy has set her account to not receive money from international accounts.  It is possible to receive other forms of currency.  I do not think it was intentional, maybe a default.  Paypal is sending an email to her to correct the problem.  She has already worked the banking issues out.

[shaun]

I just spent the scariest day in relationship with Peggy yesterday.  Yesterday morning we were talking.  At the beginning of our conversation I reminded her that I needed to be off of the computer by 9:30am so that I could get to work on time.  I had been getting to work Saturdays and Sundays later and later and later...  Even though I am the owner I still need to be punctual.  About 9:25 I said we needed to wind the conversation up so that I could go and she said bye.

Well I wasn't quite finished as I usually will tell her a few things I like about her and then say goodbye.  As I was telling her the video feed went out.  Twice I told her that I could not see her... Nothing happened which generally means she has turned the chat off.  Then she responded with a few things that had nothing to do with the conversation.  She talked about doing homework...  I asked if I could see her.  NO comments for a minute or two and then some more conversation that did not make sense.  Well, I got angry and I told her I didn't want to play that game and it was to late because NOW I have to go to work. I turned off my camera feed and closed the conversation window.  Then she got angry and had a few things to say then shut her computer down.

I am thinking what just happened here?  I took a shower and then left her a few emails trying to smooth things over.  All day at work I am thinking about it and decide that I will write a long letter when I get home and try to explain the reactions and how we both still react to things based on out previous marriages and that when we hit that area we must slow down and carefully resolve the issue.  I knew I would have 2 1/2 hours to compose the letter before she came on the computer.

When I got home and turned on my computer she was there waiting for me.  I think uh-oh.  I am about to get my head ripped off and handed to me on a platter.  We started into the conversation and we were not connecting at all.  I was getting you do not love me... you still love your ex-wife... you do not trust me... I was trying to reign her in and said something about the previous conversation and she went off like a rocket.  She told me that she remembered the conversation and it went nothing like that.  She said I never said that the camera feed was off and then she said she was crying and needed to go lay down.

Now I am really confused and wondering if she is schizophrenic?  She is gone about 45 minutes and she comes back and begins telling me we will not be able to find happiness together.  I tell her that this is not complex but a simple misunderstanding and could not possible determine future happiness.  She said but you did not tell me and I said yes I did that I re-read the conversation.  She said let me see it.  I cut and pasted it in.

There was a long period of silence.  Of course her camera had been off the whole time so I didn't know what was happening.  I know here sister is there and that sometimes she is coaching Peggy.  They really want Peggy and I to marry.  Then she writes, "I am sorry I am wrong."  I tell her that I am sorry for getting angry and then I say when we have issues like the we need to slow down and walk carefully through them.  She agreed.  Then we get back to normal and the camera comes back on.  I am happy it is resolved.

I know this is long and too revealing but I have a purpose in writing this.  She is still very important to me and I think that this relation can work for the both of us very well.

For those of you who are married and have spent considerable time with your wife.  1.) Is it normal for a Chinese woman to take this kind of stance?   2.) Is running off and crying for a long time normal? (I know the whole time was not crying but was consulting with sister and who ever might help her.)  3.) Did I handle this all wrong?  4.) Was it wrong to show her she was wrong with the evidence?  It sure changed the whole argument.

Jim, Ed, Arnold, David5o, Willy, Robert, Ted, butt, Chong, Peter, and others... Please give me insight.

[ttwjr32]

Shaun,
sometimes chinese women are so unpredictable. you will have conversations
about something you dont even know happened but i find out it is usually
just the language barrier. my wife paid to get better english and i am still
not sure exactly what she paid for??? but i stay calm and talk with her and
we resolve it that way. i usually have to peel the conversation like an onion.
what frustrates me though is when she looks at me and tries to read me and
is always wrong when she does as far as if i am mad or not. i finally got her to
understand when i get excited i talk loud and that does not mean i am mad now.
and by excited i dont mean what some of you will be thinking   hahahaha  just
communicate with her and peel the conversation in a calm rational way and it
will be alright.

[RobertBfrom aust]

Shaun , first things first , as bright as she may be when you are talking time use 24 hour clock in Chinese time , if she knows that it is say 18.30 in her time she will be organized to that , Never get angry with a Chinese lady especially one that you care for it will always backfire , so if you do not create a problem , you do not have to waste time and energy apologizing , in 12 months Ying and I have never had a hint of a cross word either way , but she has cried a couple of times for other reasons , which we have overcome very quickly .
 You will find Chinese women are very soft and almost fragile in their feelings and once they give you their heart are very vulnerable especially if they have been verbally hurt before . It is a 2 way street , but donot confuse her with right or wrongs just as Ted has said you can peel back the layers slowly and get a better result .
 Do not drag up the past on either side , she will tell you if and when she is ready , but most Chinese women live for today and beyond , not last week or last year , and you should to not the whys and wherefores of any previous relationships , regards Ying and Robert .

[Willy The Londoner]

To be honest Shaun - I am a bit concerned that you are having these sort of problems and you have not even met up yet?  

What will happen when you do actually meet - what sort of disagreements will you have then.  If I remember correctly this is not the first time something like this has happened.  

To me there is a problem here - during the day you are thinking of what to say to smooth things over and all during that time she is thinking the opposite way as was obvious by what she came out with to start with.

Ok she had a previous bad marriage but she appears to be paranoid about previous relationships.  Not a good sign at this early stage.  What will she be like a few years down the line.  

I have been with my lady coming on for four months now and to be honest if she came out with the sort of reaction that your lady did and then to keep it boiling up all day over what was probably a reasonable reaction then I doubt I we would ever reach five months together- I would be like Superman Up, Up and Away!!!

Ok a couple are going to have a problem now and then but to have them at this stage is not good.    I cannot think of anyone on here who has had such a turbulent time in the early days as you have.

I think that the problem here is Shaun is that you are too ready to say sorry and for you to try and patch things up.

She goes storming off and comes back 45 minute later and is still cracking on and it is you who tries to calm things doen by being condescending to her.  
 What I have noticed is that the average Chinese lady does not like a man to appear unmanly.  They have been brought up with Chinese men all their lives and it is probably in her genes and they want their men to be men and take charge - even though she will 'guide' you but they want strong leadership.

As you say you like her and you want it to work then in my humble opinion you and her are going to have some straight talking and you are going to have to take the lead and tell her what you expect and do not expect from a wife and she to tell you what she expects.

If she does not take kindly to that then you will probably have your answer.  Obviously  you need to follow the 24 hour rule, which of course will give you time to digest many more views than just mine.

If you  do go ahead as you two have displayed here then it will be one hell  of a volatile relationship and maybe would not be one that I would go halfway around the world to take part in.

It is your decision my friend but I doubt if many, if any, of the married men on this forum have ever embarked on a relationship such as you have at present.
They all talk of the loving, the kindness, the thoughfulness not of virtual rows .

Willy

[ttwjr32]

hey Willy,
it also takes a man to admit when he is wrong also
i dont think chinese men do that and that it is one of our
good qualities to be able to do that. just my 2 cents worth
hahaha

[Willy The Londoner]

hey Willy,
it also takes a man to admit when he is wrong also
i dont think chinese men do that and that it is one of our
good qualities to be able to do that. just my 2 cents worth
hahaha

Exactly and the Chinese women get taken by suprise when a man does admit he is wrong and apologises.  They are not used to it and some take it as a sign of weakness.

But then as you know Ted I am rarely if ever wrong!!!!! :icon_cheesygrin::icon_cheesygrin::icon_cheesygrin:

Well maybe just once a day -it lasts from the time I get up till the time I go to bed.

Willy

[Vince G]

Where's my rocking chair I feel a story coming up??
In communicating I found my lady is stubborn (we both are) and sometimes is on the edge of pissing me off. On the phone twice she didn't say anything but in the few seconds between chatting she set the phone down and went off to do something (open the curtain,etc). To myself I'm like WTF? talking to myself here? By the second time in a letter (so she understands) not to do this. Say I will be right back or hold on? something? She understands it now. I guess it's a cultural thing not used like in the west?

I also told her a while back that even though we agree on mostly everything not to think she will be spoiled and able to do whatever she pleases. I told her the only thing I could come up with which was I would never allow her to bleach her hair blond? She understood. This came about for the reason I am giving her free rein when she moves here to decorate or get what she wants to feel comfortable like a home.

I think Shaun was just fixing a problem not thinking of taking the lead. It was a miscommunication but it's best for him to lay the rules down also. He has to go to work at a certain time and she should respect that.

[ttwjr32]

yes me to

[David5o]

Shaun,

I'm a lot luckier than most here, as Lucy is fluent in English. That's not to say she doesn't get the wrong end of the stick from time to time!!  lol!!

The Chinese women can be fickle at times Shaun, they need to know at all times that what there doing ''is right'' They seem to be obsessed with knowing there a good wife for you, and when they think there not, or  ''think'' they have upset you, they take all the blame!! It took a lot of reassuring during the early times, to get it accross to her, that her existence doesn't revolve around me being happy all the time... It revolves around ''US'' being happy working together in a partnership, not a dictatorship!!

We've been together now over 3 years, and she knows my make-up and i know hers. So these days we rarely argue (not that we did much before) and misunderstandings are few and far between. Unlike many here, i'm not one to appologise for something i haven't done, or am not responsible for.  But i do believe in talking through misunderstandings and misrepresentations to clear things up in each others minds. I'm a bit of an old romantic underneath my public facade, so whenever we do have a misunderstanding, whether my fault or hers, I'll go out of my way to show her she is a very loved, wanted and needed woman. After such times we nearly always go out for a romantic meal at our favourite restaurant, and always have a much earlier night than normal!! ...haha!!

And after all that, She still comes out with, ....''I'll follow you!!!''  hahaha!! Go Figure!!  lol!!
So the best advise i can give you Shaun, ....Is to always be YOURSELF, and more importantly, be a CONFIDENT SELF, ....don't try and be someone or something your Not!!!

David....

[David E]

Shaun

I wouls also share Willy's concern about where you and melody are at.

Might it be that you are trying to cover too much ground on QQ. trying to wring out all the fine detail of a future relationship

You know my own views about what to avoid until you are "face-to-face". Once you begin the "love and marriage" discussions, you have stepped into a different World, a World that is so difficult for both parties, when they have never met and are only "virtual" partners.

I think from her perspective she wants to be certain that this is all for real...but it cant be, you are not yet a real person. From your perspective, you want the same.............but you dont know much about her either. In fact you cant know much about her until the day you actually meet.

Arguements on Internet are futile, too easy to switch off QQ and leave things hanging, too easy to misunderstand and too easy to hurt without understanding.

Slow down Buddy, take a deep breath, keep aways from "forever. marriage etc" at least until you can make a firm plan to meet.....get to know each other as best you can on QQ.

The reality arrives when you step off the plane in China :icon_cheesygrin::icon_cheesygrin:

David