When You know it is just right

[shaun]

David you are absolutely right.  I think this is the main issue.  Peggy has been pushing for me to marry her and I have said no decision until I spend time with her in China.  We are talking right now about it.  She confessed that she worries that I do not love her and she does not want to be led down a path of deception.  I can understand that.

She has been told by other men that they love her only to find out they did not really love her.  Her husband used her as a stepping stone to get to another station in life.  As we talk and unpack what happen yesterday I think it is insecurity that caused the issue.

I think there are so many unknowns and her sister keeps pushing her that she is trying to make sure everything that happens satisfies her sister.  The sister is to leave for the US soon and I am hoping that she settles down.

Shaun

Oh and everyone thanks for your input. It has been extremely helpful.  I think we got to the bottom of the matter today and things are settling down.

[RegnisTheGreat]

Shaun, I said something similar to someone a while ago on here. My question/concern is about you and her and the sister. Does she (aka, Peggy) really want this relationship/marriage or is she being nagged by her sister? If so, how much of it is her wants and how much of it is what her sister wants. That is a key thing. You want to be able to communicate with her properly without having her sister be there for issues.

[David E]

Shaun

I have some sympathy with your "sister" issues.

Ming's sister was very prominent in our early conversations and always seemed to be wanting to discuss the "big ticket" items...marriage, finances, future children and such.

I began to think that it was all sisters agenda and Ming maybe was going along with it.

So....I firmly but politely stomped on it. I said to both Ming and Sister:

1) I will not make a marriage committment until we have met face-to-face..it is non-negotiable.

2) I would never consider telling someone whom I had never met that I was in love with her.

3) I respect and admire that sister is looking after her interests but sister is not going to drive this relationship.

4) If she did not agree with what I have said here, then I would walk away from the relationship.

If, on the other hand, she was prepared to make an investment of time in our relationship, then I will committ to go to China on 10th Feb to meet her and that my intentions in looking for a Chinese Lady was marriage and not just fun.

That completely cleared the air ...and both have been very sensible since and there has been no friction any more.

David

[shaun]

Reg and David,

Reg I do believe Peggy is doing what she wants in this relationship.  I think she allows her sister to help because her sister has been successful and they are doing very well.  I think Peggy has been hurt a couple of times by men and is a very sensitive woman.

Last night I reminded Peggy what I have said all along.   I think I had relaxed a  lot and was just enjoying the conversations and not looking for problems or sister issues.  I allowed the sister to take command really without realizing it. I took command of the situation and told Peggy the way it is going to be and it was funny but everything straightened right out.  The sister backed right off and went back upstairs to mind her own business.  Peggy does not try to hide when she is talking with her sister.

Peggy seemed relieved and much happier than I have seen in several days that I stepped up to the plate and all she was concerned was if I loved her or not and if I would come to see her.  She did not insist on a date as she has in the past since about the 30th.

I can tell that Peggy likes me taking charge and being the man in her life.  We will see how the next few days go.

Shaun

[brett]

My lady is very stubborn. She doesn't like talking about important things. Today we talked about snow and animated bananas.

We no longer have a translator. This bothers me tremendously. There are so many important things I want to say, but find it difficult to talk about on QQ. I wonder if I really need to say the things after all, or just put my trust in my lady and hope that everything will turn out OK.

I've found that I have to SUGGEST things to my lady, and if she likes the idea she will do it.

I've never met a Chinese lady who is a shrinking violet. My Chinese teacher has made such a big impression on me I keep dreaming about being in her class! I am quickly learning characters so I don't end up getting humiliated in the class next term :icon_cheesygrin:.

[Voiceroveip]

Today we talked about snow and animated bananas.

Hahaaa ... thanks Brett, that made my day, I needed some cheering up!

[ttwjr32]

animated bananas?

[RegnisTheGreat]

[shaun]

Reg,

I think you got yourself a new nick name. Green Banana Man or Sir Squats a Lot. :icon_cheesygrin: I am not sure which one fits the best?

[rockycoon]

Shaun, take charge, your the man! who are you marrying the sister or Peggy?  I have a family member who is  a nag also, what a pain she is, so I know what your going through.  What's up with the dancing bananna's  I am sorry your conversations with Peggy have turned to dancing bananna's ..... ha ha ha LOL

[Danny]

I would never consider telling someone whom I had never met that I was in love with her.

I used to think this was a hard saying, but I incline to this view now.

When you think about your good friendships, they are built up over time through the sharing of experiences, in their presence, hearing them talk, having a laugh together, seeing their smile, the way they act.

It is quite a different thing to what happens when you're passing messages back and forth, through email and emf's.

I do not fully understand the mechanisms at work here, but I think at the heart of it, the difference arises from the fact that we are much more than "words and mind".  

There is a whole lot of who we are which is cannot be known by words alone: body, relationships, behaviour, gestures, smiles, things like that . . . which can only be known person to person.

The only way you will ever really know someone, to grow with them, and learn to trust them, is to spend time with the person.

[David E]

You will get no arguement from me on this subject Danny.......I have maintained this view all along....and I have posted about it...and I have been blasted about it :icon_cheesygrin::icon_cheesygrin:

The Internest is an insidious Mistress, we can interact with remote people in a way that humans have never been able to...with deep, deep intimacy and yet with absolutely no physical contact.

It is truly a "virtual" situation and the line between virtual and real gets very blurred, especially when we are corresponding and interacting with a beautiful woman who could well be our future partner, who at the same time is encouraging us to step over the line of reality.

It is not surprising that many folk imagine that they are in love at this point...and if that is what "floats yer boat"...then so be it.

But humans did not evolve in any way to cope with this methodology of partner selection. For nearly 2 million years we have selected partners based on up-close and personal experiences........the pheromone thing and the actual observation of shared experience is one of the key drivers of human interaction.

Internet relationships skew this behaviour model and can get us very screwed up !!

Problem is, once you begin to use the "marriage and love" card, you enter a new dimension in the relationship, a dimension that legitimises the relationship and makes it terribly difficult to withdraw if things go pear shaped when you finally meet and discover that in reality, you are not compatible !!

It is healthy to acknowlege to self and to our prospective partner that there is a strong attraction, that there is a possibility of marriage and forever....but in my view it must always be qualified with the conditional clause "when we meet and fall in love"

David

[Buzz]

You will get no arguement from me on this subject Danny.......I have maintained this view all along....and I have posted about it...and I have been blasted about it :icon_cheesygrin::icon_cheesygrin:

David

AMEN!  

 Has anyone yet proved your arguemnt flawed or wrong.  Not that I have read.  Keep it up and there are many who support your facts.  

buzz

[David5o]

David E,

I agree totally and I couldn't of put any better myself!!

The one thing we often forget here, ...is that while writing, messaging, and QQing, webcamming etc, you are basically only hoping, wishing and dreaming that this woman is the right one for you, because you have nothing real to base the relationship on. So better to use this time finding out things about each other, trying to cover just about anything and everything, the important things and the not so important things. Because even when you do meet, it's normally only going to be for 2 or 3 weeks in most cases. So at least you'll have a pretty broad background on each other, that's not going to eat into that brief time you have together. But you both really do have to be honest with yourself and each other during this time, or it's going to go pear shaped pretty dammed quick!!!

You really do need to meet her, experience her, to know anything for sure about her, and her about you!! (and definitely before committing to a marriage) The interaction between you both, coupled with desire and that all important natural compatibility, are the key mechanisms to a successful and fulfilling relationship.

When all this is in place, you are then communicating between each other ''with Real  memories'', not just dreams, hopes and wishing, when your back in your own country...

David

[rockycoon]

My parents were married for almost 75 years, never had an argument, never cheated, loved each other till the end.  Love is not just sex in fact, love is not sex.  True love is understanding, faithfulness, trust, and devotion to each other.  When you have been together for some time, and the newness has worn off, what love becomes is a sincere and unbreakable friendship not shared with others. If you fall in love over the internet, the sex is out and what you gain is trust and a deep friendship that is unbreakable, since you are sharing your most intimante thoughts with your other.  Things that would otherwise never come up or be replaced with sex.  I believe that writing and qq'ing let you share your serious thoughts and wishes with the other person as well as for them to do the same.  I agree that being with that person is great, holding hands and kissing and sex, but that is physical and after a while it gets old, and you can get bored, when your bored, you start looking, that is the reason for so many divorces.  A couple should get to know the other persons thoughts and hopes and wishes first, and writing lets you get to know them first, begin a friendship that will last a lifetime.
I don't know if I'm making any sence here, but in the end, my parents were as close as when they begin.  If you asked my mother about somthing, she would say, ask my husband, if you ask my father somthing he would say the same thing.  Nether one would do anything without the other's ok.  That is what love is about.
I  don't know if you understand what I am saying, but it comes down to love is a very deep and sincere friendship and trust between two people.