When You know it is just right

[Willy The Londoner]

That's a bit deep for a cowboy Rocky??

Every word is true what you say.     Sex isn't everything in relationship.  Sometimes we go a whole 24 hours without it!!  But we have a long way to go to reach your parents grand marital age.

I will be happy to get to half that time.

Willy

[Danny]

If you fall in love over the internet, the sex is out and what you gain is trust and a deep friendship that is unbreakable, since you are sharing your most intimante thoughts with your other.  Things that would otherwise never come up or be replaced with sex.  I believe that writing and qq'ing let you share your serious thoughts and wishes with the other person as well as for them to do the same.  I agree that being with that person is great, holding hands and kissing and sex, but that is physical and after a while it gets old, and you can get bored, when your bored, you start looking, that is the reason for so many divorces.  A couple should get to know the other persons thoughts and hopes and wishes first, and writing lets you get to know them first, begin a friendship that will last a lifetime.

Rocky

I don't think that anyone would argue with what you've written.

Writing letters can be a very valuable and meaningful activity. The exchange of thoughts and hopes and wishes can be a wonderful and very significant time.

Nor do I suggest that it is necessary to hold hands, kiss or have sex, to fall in love with a woman. In fact, in my sitution, I did none of these things during my first visit to my woman.

However what I meant to write was that it is better for someone who is seriously interested in a woman (eg a woman who has been found from a website like chnlove) to hold back from saying that they have really fallen in love with a woman, until they actually meet the woman in person.

If we have learned anything from our time together at this forum, we have found that there is often a whole lot of difference between the woman you think you are writing to, and the woman you meet when you travel to meet her. And this is the case even where you are not actively deceived by the agency and/or translator.

I do believe it is possible to be infatuated by a woman's appearance, her letters and the way she interacts with you through a webcam. But in my experience and opinion, you do not know her sufficiently well until you have spent time with her, person to person.

It's only a general rule, a suggestion, and people are free to do as they wish. There's that saying, fools rush in where angels fear to tread *laughs*

Danny

[David5o]

Rocky, Danny,

Your both making perfect sense in both your posts......

David....

[ttwjr32]

on second thought they look like green chilis

[shaun]

Reg,

It looks like no one agrees so I withdraw my joke.

Shaun

[David5o]

Rocky,

Jeez!! how old were they when they got married?? I've not met or come accross anyone married for that amount of time. I think the longest i can remember was an aunt and uncle that were married  63 or 64 years and they were both in their late eighties, when they passed away!! (within 3 months of each other) That's a Bloody long time!!  haha!!

David....

[rockycoon]

My father passed when he was 89 and my mother passed at the ripe old age of 94.


Shaun, you did it a little backward, first you had animal sex, then your starting to know her.....ha ha lol lol  

kind of like testing a product before you buy....(snicker) shaun youve gone from wife hunter to consumer....ha

[shaun]

Well a lot has happened since my last post.  It feels like I am exposing everything about my relationship with Peggy but at the same time I think this might me useful to those who are just starting.  Relationships are not always smooth sailing and most of the problems come from our lack of understanding Chinese women and we step in a pile of #####.

Peggy and I have had several issues that threatened the future of our relationship and mostly due to my stupidity.  If you have been married any length of time to a liberal feminist western woman you have lost some of your leadership qualities just to keep the peace.  The ones you still posses are generally what causes the divorce.  At least this is true in my case.

I had not completely moved back into a male leadership type roll and I will give Peggy more room than she is expecting to make decisions and then when I do not think her decision is a good one it causes problems.  I can't speak for all Chinese women but Peggy is looking for solid consistent leadership in me and I have not completely given it to her.

After consulting with a few of the more experienced and wiser gentlemen on this site I am having to re-establish some parameters.  Peggy is handling it much better than I thought she would.  In fact she tell me that she realizes that I love her more because I am setting the boundaries.  She is expecting them and knows how to live by them and in their way of thinking it is the way it should be.  I can't even begin to tell you the different look she has on her face.  She is more relaxes, she smiles more, and she is opening back up to how things were before she discovered I was a little wishy washy.

I do have my suspicions now that some of the translator on chnlove can recognize the lack of leadership qualities in many western men and take advantage of the situation.  Thinking back in reading some of the posts back in May and June it seems that the men who had the stronger male leadership qualities seemed to do better in China than those who do not.  (If you have had trouble in the past year and are offended by what I just said, don't be.  It is my suspicion and we will see if it is close to being factual by some of the comments from the more experienced and successful gentlemen here.)

Now let me clear up one thing here quickly.  When I am talking about men providing the leadership for a family I an not talking about being, and forgive me for saying it this way, an ass hole.  It has been my observation that there are those who think good leadership is to be domineering and a jerk.  Leadership is when others choose to follow because admiration and the keen ability to lead.  Brow beaters are not leaders.

More later.

Shaun

[Voiceroveip]

Excellent post Shaun, you are so right about that. Thanks a million,

Frank

[brett]

I guess it depends on your lady's upbringing. In my lady's household her mother is in charge. I don't know if it's the same in other parts of China. Strong women are great women :icon_cheesygrin:.

[RegnisTheGreat]

Every Chinese woman wants their own Chairman Mao at home. :icon_cheesygrin:

I think Shaun can pull it off, he looks somewhat like Mao.

[ttwjr32]

Shaun that pile sometimes is very big  hahaha

[shaun]

Every Chinese woman wants their own Chairman Mao at home. :icon_cheesygrin:

I think Shaun can pull it off, he looks somewhat like Mao.

No wonder she likes me so much.  :icon_cheesygrin:

[David E]

Shaun

You have come to a position of great learning (IMHO) :icon_cheesygrin::icon_cheesygrin:

Western feminism and our legalisation of the equality issues have certainly skewed the traditional roles of male and female in our relationships. I make no comment as to whether this is good or bad....but it sure aint natural !!!

It may well be that as any society evolves, the male/female roles will get blurred and eventually we will all be androgenous...who knows!!

As we know, China is still strongly Patriarchal, male dominated and our Ladies have grown up with this model. In our Western way, we then expect them to jump straight into a relationship of equals.

Because they really want to find their future partner in the West, they try to behave as they think the model they have of the western way suggests they should behave...but they dont really have the background and skills to carry it off successfully....and I for one, dont think they really want that sort of relationship anyway.

But they really dont have many skills to manage a "western" style relationship, and often they have almost no relationship skills at all, because their previous marriage was based on "he's the boss...period".

Brett, dont be fooled by perceptions...Momma is the complete boss when it comes to running the household, organising the family, doing the shopping and all the daily domestic affairs...but in the core issues...Dad is King !!

So I am sure that we should understand this a bit better...try to establish a leadership role, dont be a dictator, have some firm boundaries and let them have their level of control on what they do best...homemaker, friend, confidant and all the lovely womanly things that we miss in our own world.

After all, thats why we come to China in the first place...to find an attractive, charming, intelligent but feminine woman.

[shaun]

All is well with Peggy and me.  We have been talking about many issues.  We have a some real turmoil lately but have navigated our way through it quite well.

Biggest issue was that I was planning to go there for three months, take a month or 2 back in the US and then move over.  Well? According to the divorce I am to provide insurance until children do not qualify anymore.  I told the ex I wanted to quit and asked if she would take the insurance on.  She said sure it was OK.  Well???  She got fired and now I have to provide insurance again.  I will not be able to quit unless I can find job that provides insurance.

I had to explain all of this to Peggy.  After several heated discussions about me breaking a promise and preferring my children and me wanting to remarry my ex,  She now understands the issue and accepts it.  I think.

I have my passport in hand now and will send it out to get visa.  We have set the tentative date as March 31 returning April 10th.  Will check flights as soon as Visa arrives.  I already have 1 week off at work so now I will ask for 3 more days.  Peggy is ecstatic.  I am too as I do not know how much longer I can go without seeing her face to face.

If all goes well I will return in June for at least 1 month maybe 2.  I told her I wanted to be there for her birthday.  You would have thought I bought her the hope diamond.

Shaun