When You know it is just right

[maxx]

Shaun This is why you should not be talking to a Chinese woman until you have most of your personal things taken care of .Like passport finances vacation time.Like Ive said before if you are not ready to go to China within 4 months at the max.You shouldn't even be talking to a Chinese women.

Why? Because if your talking longer then 2 months.Both of you have time to get inside your own heads and start thinking to much.This gives you to much time to read what has happened to some other person who has tried it the same way that you are doing it.

It Also Gives Peggy's sister and brother in law time to get inside her head and get her all screwed up.Now Peggy has got you in her head her sister and brother in law and herself.All rolled into one.That's a hell of allot of voices to listen to at one time.Oh yeah lets not forget mama and baba to.and every other persons opinion in China.

 Shaun Did we forget something?Maybe a rule.

You flunked the test.The test was to see if you loved her enough to send her the money.And to see if you were a man of your word or not.As far as Peggy is concerned you are not.You are just like Chinese man you say your going to do something and you don't.(Not my thoughts Shaun Peggy's thoughts)

Shaun I know you tried to make it to China the first time you told Peggy. that you were going to go.I know you tried to send the money to Peggy.But What I know.And what Peggy thinks are 2 totally different things.As far as Peggy is concerned you have struck out twice so far.2 strikes is usually one to many for a Chinese women.

The way to fix this if there is a fix.Is next time you talk to her get the information David told you about.That is the same way I sent money to my wife.No muss no fuss.The money was there the next day.It is just a wire transfer and yes it cost a little more but you avoid the hassles.

Never ever under any circumstances say to a Chinese women.That you will do something.And then not do it.Maybe is not in there vocabulary.
Shaun I just looked to see when you started this thread. 2 months ago.25 pages.Should of already ben there had this all worked out.

[RobertBfrom aust]

Shaun , you make the simplest things hard for yourself ,we have to agree with Maxx's comments , but if her sister and brother inlaw are still there , surly by talking to one of them you can transfer money to their U. S account for them to give to Peggy , short and sweet , with little cost and no drama , in China things get done in minutes , not hours or days , and Chinese women or men have no concept of waiting , I had a query on a piece of equipment the other night [ Sunday ] it was about 9pm China time , Ying picked up her phone and within 10 minutes had all the answers , would have taken bloody days in the Western world , also to most Chinese people their Id number is more valuable than a green card as it is linked to their whole life , and while they like to understand , there is so much told about guarding their card , until you meet face to face it can be all to hard .
Even email original copies of  your flight details etc. , because as I have said before until she see's concrete information you are just miles away on the internet , and think of everything from her perspective , and keep things cool , regards Ying and Robert .

[rockycoon]

Shaun my friend, calm down, I'm not going to get into this, as who am I to talk or tell you what to do.  However, I will remind you of what vince, maxx and a whole lot of others have preached to me....never send money until you have met her person to person.  But I know how busy you can get, and under the circumstaces you may well be justified in doing that.
If things don't work out (and I hope they do) go ahead and go to china and pull a "scottish rob" :icon_cheesygrin::icon_cheesygrin::icon_cheesygrin::icon_cheesygrin:.

In case your not sure what a Scottish Rob is; it's where you go there and let the lady pick YOU up, just ask where you can get a translator :icon_cheesygrin:  It worked for him, why not you.  Your a good looking man (I hope) and you will probably have your pick of women.  
I am sorry for the problems your having, but I do know your a busy guy and that does not help ether.  Get the small stuff out of the way first, then there is time forr love...

On a lighter note...I have worked all my life and today I get my reward -- I got to apply for social security !!!!  :icon_cheesygrin:  Can't believe I made it.  The eagle will start crapping in June, horah...now I can consentrate on lady's....hope I'm not too old...haha

[shaun]

Hi guys.  Thanks for all the comments.  It helps me to gain a little perspective.  I am not sure how this will turn out but I will try to mend it.  

You can question me all day long if I should give Peggy some money or not but to me it was the best alternative.  Her alternative was to go to Shaoguan and open a maijing hall. She would work 14 hours a say 7 days a week and operate it where she would be living.  I didn't like what I was hearing.  The monthly income would be pitiful for the hours worked.  Peggy asked me what I thought.  Her sister got involved with the conversation.  It turns out that the sister and I were in agreement.  The house Peggy is living in is owned by her sister and she was willing to let Peggy live there for free if I would give Peggy $1000RMB a month to live on.  I agreed because I didn't want Peggy to open the business then try to sell it when she moves to the US with me hopefully.  Peggy was also suppose to be taking English classes and working part time.

I figured that it was only 4 months until I see her so $4000RMB was not much.  I wanted to spend as much time with her as possible when I get there.  How much would it be worth to spend all day for 10 days with a woman you hoped to marry?

Andy I told Peggy in our last talk that I was coming anyway.

David, thanks for the info on the transferring of funds. I will try it IF she will give me the info.  Peggy does have a bank account.

Phillip, yes it does sound a lot alike.  I stay up to date with what others are doing.

Vince, Peggy admits to being a stubborn person, something I didn't see.  I told her it is something I cannot live with, that is as far ass discussing issues.

Robert and Don, thank you for your comments too.

Maxx, why don't put salt in my wound.  :icon_cheesygrin:  As usual you are right.  The concept of not understanding any circumstance will drive me crazy because there will always be a circumstance.  I guess it is something I will have to teach her before much longer.  I have to say you are right because it didn't matter what I said she kept the same point an opinion.

As I was replying to all of you and recounting some of the events it dawned on me that Peggy is still in Shenzhen and did not go to Shaoguan so there is still a chance.  She found a job there so maybe she will be waiting for me.

[Rhonald]

Shaun - when I send less then $1,000 US by moneygram - I only put down her Name, city, and Province. For her she shows her ID but more important is the number given to you when you set up the transfer. Going to China it is sent in US dollar - not RMB. At her end in Shenzhen she gets it transferred into RMB since she is at a bank. But she recieves in US dollars. I am surprised the moneygram agent did not know this. So once you get the transfer number - you give this number to her through an email or webcam session. You can also include a question for her to answer as another security level. The moneygram fee cost me $10 canadian.

[Willy The Londoner]

Shaun

Before I add my two penneth of wisdom I went back and read this thread from start to finish.  It has taken me a long time and I have managed to get through without running off to the little room at all.  (Maybe things are improving).
Let’s get the light hearted part out of the way – I came across on posting by you where she mentioned ‘ Ten feet and two women’ – she did not have an ex husband who met up with that ten foot alien did she as that could explain a lot?
Any way more serious matters, this relationship has been up and down like the blob of mercury in a thermometer!   A couple of days and all is blowing fair then down it goes.  
I personally think you talk too much together.   You are spending hour upon hour on the computer , day in day out.  Probably longer than most would spend talking with a wife they lived with, let along someone they have not actually met yet!
And what do you talk about, probably everything and everything.  But just how much do you both actually understand?  
I had a lady here who spoke good English but then I realised that I was saying things that she did not understand completely and she went away, thought about them and came back with the wrong interpretation.   We think, because they speak some English, that  they are up to the mark with all sorts of colloquel  phrases and words that we use every day but have a different meaning to them.
Frustration sets in because of the misunderstanding and I have noted that is coming from both you and Peggy in your threads.  There seems to be a concern about trust on both your parts.
What you need to do as soon as possible is to get to China and visit her as I do not believe that either of you will be satisfied in your own minds about each other until you meet in person.
That way, face to face you will know if the feeling that you are having are correct or not.  You will be able to judge each other’s reaction to certain things said and done that you cannot do by video or any other means of communication.
It may be costly to go but I would plan to go as soon as possible after the Spring Holiday here.   Make a positive plan.  Ok it will cost a bit of money to spent a couple of weeks here.  But it will either make or break the relationship or open up the possibility of another one starting.
But once you make the plan ensure that you stick with it otherwise any trust that you may have been trying to build up will be gone.  
Go and if it works well you can return later this year but you will have made a commitment to her.
By all means send her a small amount of money each month – you know in yourself if she is genuine or not.  And the fact you want her to have a regular payment whilst she is learning more English well that should show her about your trust.
I have read in these current posts that you should not send her money!  Why not in the circumstances – have the writers read back through the thread to read about the contact you have had with her sister and spoken to her brother in law – Are they both in a conspiracy to rob poor Shaun of just 4000 rmb  over the next 4 months???  
Shaun get her to open a bank of China account - it will be best for both of you - it will cost her no more than a couple of Yuan.  She can get the Swift code for the bank, the address of the bank and together with the account number and send it to you.  That is the easiest and simplest way of getting money to her - no getting things wrong on moneygram etc.  
You may send one off payments in US dollars or you can set up a regular payment and the bank will credit the account in RMB.   It will take away the problem of trying to get things done on time.   A standing order is a great way to show that you trust her.
You may well decide to do this before making the actual plans to visit because if when the first payment goes through you are still having problems then cut and dash – it means that there is no way you are ever going to satisfy this lady of your true intentions and you can stop all further communications and transfers – it may only cost you one months payment but that will have your answer and can move on.

Sorry it is such a long posting but I took lots of notes from the thread.

Willy

[shaun]

Hi All,

I got up this morning and turned on my computer.  The sister was waiting for me to appear.  She wanted to talk with me about the misunderstandings and she wanted to voice talk rather than type and I was agreeable to that.  I do need to mention that her husband went back to America weeks ago.  All in all I think the sister has been a great asset being there.  She leaves on the 26th to come back to the US.

It turns out there was a lot more than one issue.  The first and largest issue was that I still had an account on blossoms.com.  Peggy found me looking on it a couple of times.  She thought I was still looking for another woman.  The sister said if I were to close the account that this would go a very long way to helping to resolve the issue.  I said absolutely not!!!!  No, really, I closed it right then and then asked her to look at it.  It turns out that Peggy was there while we were talking and she looked. (I knew she was there; listening.)  I heard her quietly say yes the account was closed to her sister.  I began to laugh out loud and then they laughed.  The sister told me that once I came to China that everything will be completely different, that I would really begin to understand the commitment of a Chinese woman.

Second issue was that I had planned to go to China the first of February and then had to cancel because the ex-wife lost her job and would not be able to provide insurance for our children.  To go see Peggy in February I would have to quit job.  I had planned to move to Oklahoma and stay with my mother for a while.  That went out the window when my ex lost her job.  I needed to provide insurance for the children.  I tried to explain this to Peggy but she didn't understand, but said she did.  Her sister understood and explained to Peggy.  Well that was 2 strikes against me.

Willy you are right they do not understand a lot of what you say, even when they translate into Chinese.  The sister went to college and studied English.  Her English is very good, not great but very good.  She has been married 2 years and has lived in the US one year.  Still I could tell that she was not understanding everything I said to her.  It seems that when they do not understand then the just dismiss what you are trying to say.  That opens up a lot of issues down the road and that is where we are at.

Strike 3 was when she did not get the money.  The sister told me that Peggy did not ask for the money but that I offered it.  It is not true but I left the comment alone.  I explained it to the sister and she understood.  Peggy already has a checking account.  Tomorrow I will have the bank swift number along with Peggy's ID number and we can resolve that issue.  Willy, I am not worried what the other men might think, in this situation I think it is necessary for me to send the money.  In 4 months it is only $600.00.  How much would I have spent in EMF's talking with Peggy every day and for the next 4 months?  $600.00 is an incredible bargain considering.  $150.00 a month was about what I was spending on chnlove.  $600.00 for 10 months?  Do the math.

I sure am glad this is not like baseball because I would be out.  I think we are back on track now thanks to the sister.  Willy, you are correct about talking too much.  I had been thinking about cutting it back to once a day for 2 hours max.  With her new job that is the way it will be.  She is selling purses and wallets in a store.  Hopefully either she will quit when I get there or will be able to take all of the time off.  She works 8 hours a say and this will give her a little time to study English.

The up and down apparently started when Peggy discovered that I still had a blossoms account.  Based on the conversation I had with the sister this was the real issue.  When I canceled my account Peggy said not only would she wait 4 months she said she would wait 1 year.  So I moved my trip to late December.  No, I didn't do that or even say it.  I will go the first week in April.  Both Maxx and Willy, I do see why you say, go soon.

Maxx, I understand your position about not even talking with a woman until you have everything ready to go.  Problem is, most men find this out after the fact.  These sites should have a questioner for men asking these questions before allowing them to talk with women.  But then they would not have men joining these sites.  Every one of us have a preconceived idea when we enter the sites looking for a Chinese wife.  If a man is able to learn and change to the reality of who these Chinese women actually are then they will find success.  It is a process and mistakes are made along the way.  There is a lot I have learned but still have a lot more to learn.  I am sure my mistakes and misunderstandings are not over yet.  If I am willing to learn then I will have success and become a very happy man.

[ttwjr32]

Shaun,

that open blossoms account was like a betrayal to Peggy. sure she thought you were
 looking for women still and that would also snowball into every other type of problem.
glad to hear that everything is heading in the right direction. good for you two and i
hope it stays on course for you two.

hey did you get my pm with my email address? just wondering i think it would be a good
 idea if you are staying there for a little while

 Ted

[ttwjr32]

your right Mike
 
each situation is different and the circumstances might warrant
different solutions

[shaun]

Ted,

Yes I got the email address but that was when everything began falling apart completely.  My focus has been on the relationship and work.  Nothing else.  Next week I will get back on track.  I will be in Shenzhen for 9 or 10 days in April.  If everything works out then hopefully back in June for a month or two.

Mike,

Thanks for the comment.  You are right, every situation is different.  When I realized I would still be saving money considering EMF fees then to me it was a no brainer.  Plus I want her available if possible the whole time I am there.  I want to pack in as much time as possible while I am there.

[Willy The Londoner]

  Plus I want her available if possible the whole time I am there.  I want to pack in as much time as possible while I am there.

So I take it that you want be slipping up to Guangzhou for a few days to visit Ted then down to Zhongshan for another couple to see me and then up to ...........!!!!!:icon_cheesygrin::icon_cheesygrin:

Willy

[shaun]

Hmmm... Let me see?  The secretary general will have my agenda planned out for me.  I will mention it to her but she has her own agenda... :angel:

[Arnold]

Hi guys.  Thanks for all the comments.  It helps me to gain a little perspective.  I am not sure how this will turn out but I will try to mend it.  

You can question me all day long if I should give Peggy some money or not but to me it was the best alternative.  Her alternative was to go to Shaoguan and open a maijing hall. She would work 14 hours a say 7 days a week and operate it where she would be living.  I didn't like what I was hearing.  The monthly income would be pitiful for the hours worked.  

Shaun , I like to point out something ... that concerns just this issue .
Qing got divorced from her first Husband , for this very reason . He did not let her do her own thing , like she wanted to buy an Apartment in Shanghai and rent it out ( to invest ) open her own Aquarium Store also in Shanghai . Well , her EX shut her down and forced her NOT to do any of this ( her wish ) to get ahead and better their Life . It was alway's , him and him some more . After she left him , she now own's an Apartment in a nice area in Shanghai and she had not just one but two Aquarium Store's at the time we have made contact with each other . So , please ... do not keep Peggy from fore-filling her wish , even if it means many hour's and little Pay . If this is what will make her happy , even if it's only for a short time ... it will also keep you in a higher point column in her book .

[shaun]

Arnold,

Thanks, one of the problems with telling things on this forum is that you cannot tell everything nor would I really want to.  Peggy wanted to move back home to Shaoguan because it is much cheaper to live there than any of the other area's she has lived.  Work there is extremely hard to come by and the Mahjong hall was a means to getting income, nothing more.  I questioned her quite a bit and she tells me that ultimately she wanted to move to be with me and run a business together.  I tried very carefully not to push her a direction she didn't want to go and it just didn't make financial sense to this if she was wanting to come to America.  My greatest concern was to not squash a dream of hers.

[Willy The Londoner]

Shaun
Is this Shaoguan about 2 hours drive north of Guangzhou?

Willy