Shenzhen Express ... the final act

[David5o]

RegnisTheGreat,

Yeah, ...i see what you mean, and where your coming from, .....Your in the sort of ''In Between'' age bracket for ladies aren't you. I'm sure there are divorced ladies in this age bracket, but as you say there not going to be too many of them. It's a shame you can't search on CL for your desired match, it's all far too general in the search options.... Pretty useless really!!

I'll have to think about this one, and ask Lucy if she has any ideas....

If Willy was still a free agent, he would of been only too pleased to take you along to his local square, and show you How it's done ''London Style'' may have even taught you a bit of the Londoners ''Gift of the Gab'' too!!  hahaha!!


David.....

[shaun]

So Willy, how do I find these great divorced woman in my age group?

You hang around the various squares in the city where they all go dancing.  The divorced ones are usually there almost every night of the week hoping to find a man.  Sometimes they were lucky on the nights I was free and ventured down there!!!!

They are great places to meet women and I met many in this way in my first three months here.

You may make a pratt of yourself getting amongst the women and dancing Chinese style but it certainly gets their attention.

Willy.

Willy,

Peggy is already preparing me to go dancing on the weekends in Shenzhen.  So I imagine this where she was going prior to meeting me.

Reg,

I found Peggy on blossoms.com.   I weeded out Russian and Filipino women, selected the age group in China, then selected by astrology (I do not believe in astrology but thought it might increase my success rate) ,
 then saved them in my favorites. A few made it in purely on the lust factor.  I spent about 2 months watching them and narrowed it down and began talking with them. I eliminated some and some eliminated me. Finally I made it to one 46 year old divorced woman, Peggy and we are quite a pair.

Shaun

[RegnisTheGreat]

Hehe, does Peggy know anyone my age? I am in the watching and narrowing stage on Blossom myself. Too many choices and need to focus on the good one(s).

But I think Shaun as you get older there is more choice on the sites.

[shaun]

True there is more of a selection.  I will ask Peggy this evening.

[Sylvain D]

Talking about Voice's trip and his story, and giving any comments for any other members, so?
Well.
Frank, I think that before going to the agency and look for any other woman, you should know what to do exactly with your lady, and know if she is really in love for you or not. For sure, it can be difficult sometime, but... I think you need to be sure with your lady, about how things are doing, before going somewhere else. I also think that making love is not really "love", man can be a "sex machine" without real feelings, and sometimes, man can have feelings. Just try to guess if your lady loves you when making love, or if she just have some strong feelings, nothing else.
Maybe that now, as you are sleeping, you met your lady and could talk with her about many things. Maybe is it more fresh in your head/heart, maybe not.
I wish anyway you can find a good solution, for both of you, and whatever happens, you know you learn experience too, so, it's not so negative.

A plus tard par ici

[jeffm]

Hi all,

I haven't read all the posts in this thread but some of it is sounding horribly familiar to my relationship!

My lady is young(ish) and has not been married before, neither has there been a man in her life. This does make things difficult. Being an only child and still living at home also means she can be a bit of a princess at times. I  think I am right when I said a while back that these kinds of women don't tend to appreciate a good man as much as a divorced woman would. I have made some big mistakes in my relationship. However I have also been given mixed signals. I don't yet know if my lady loves me as much as I love her.

Another problem I have encountered is that she does not like talking about her feelings. I really had to push deep on the EMFs to get her to tell me her true feelings about things. I don't know if this is a cultural thing, or whether she is not yet comfortable with our relationship. Her parents weren't that lovey dovey to each other while I was there - I wonder if they married for love or whether it was more an arranged marriage type of thing? I really do want my lady to marry me for the right reasons. I know that if our marriage fails then her chance of starting a family is very slim. We have to be very certain that this would work.

We are great friends however. I don't know if this is enough to base a relationship on. Maybe love would grow more over time. I will go and meet her again before I commit to engagement.

I guess I might have been better off with a divorced lady. But I do believe Miss Wu and I are suited to each other, and despite what my family are telling me, I just have no appetite for talking to other ladies.

Brett and guys this is a common theme with myself and Voice.  This isn't coincidental.  One of the problems IMO is that the women that are only children are spoiled.  Only child families in the U.S. are the same.  Usually those children tend to be spoiled, and it is natural.  An only child will get ALL of the attention. So if we know this then we know what we're dealing with.  My ex was an only child, and my ex was in only one other serious relationship, and that was when she was 18 years old.  

This is only one issue mind you.  There are others. After thinking and rethinking it I believe I sub-consciously made it end, because it wasn't right even though I was trying to tell myself that I WAS THE ONE OVER THINKING THINGS. I had several RED FLAGS and chose to ignore them, because again I thought I was being too paranoid and it is a different culture here.  We have intuition too, and you cannot ignore your own past experiences.  I've had the same great experiences with my ex as Brett and Voice had, but when it came down to it I too was left with the feeling that I loved her more then she loved me.  That didn't sit well with me.  My woman better be giving the love back as much.

[Sylvain D]

How to say it...
Can man be sure that, living many lovestories is also BETTER than living only one, in fact? Does it mean that, living many lovestories can show you can really love someone? And that, with only one lovestory, you can not love better? I don't really think so. I think it is very difficult to "criticize", because of many things, habits are not the same, way of life and many other things. Ok, I never said that all chinese women were PURE and so on, but I think man should not really "compare" many lovestories with only another one. Maybe are there some any other reasons, but Voice' will comment soon and maybe will give us any good comments. Who knows?

[jeffm]

How to say it...
Can man be sure that, living many lovestories is also BETTER than living only one, in fact? Does it mean that, living many lovestories can show you can really love someone? And that, with only one lovestory, you can not love better? I don't really think so. I think it is very difficult to "criticize", because of many things, habits are not the same, way of life and many other things. Ok, I never said that all chinese women were PURE and so on, but I think man should not really "compare" many lovestories with only another one. Maybe are there some any other reasons, but Voice' will comment soon and maybe will give us any good comments. Who knows?

That is true.  My ex was just inexperienced on relationship etiquette so to speak.  I recognized this and gave her the benefit of the doubt.   I also thought this was an opportunity to groom her in this area, but I did make mistakes myself of lack of patience and other things.  My experiences in life were vastly more than she experienced.  We had a large age difference.  I was not perfect.  For me it came down to me thinking she didn't know how to love.  I might sound contradictory in what I've written already, but I have been going back and forth in my head "was it me or was it her?" since our split.  

But we still cannot ignore the same issues a few of us, and I would be willing to bet more in this forum have experienced.  Maybe it's women in their twenties issue.  Not sure yet.

[Sylvain D]

I agree that living with/loving someone who is very younger than us can sometime be very difficult. It is also a choice than man agrees to live with. Or not.

[Voiceroveip]

Wow this thread is suddenly becoming popular! Alll the better for me, more brains to pick, thanks so much for you input all of you!

Tuesday morning update:

Honestly I don't know what to do, but I feel a lot better than during my previous posts. She came back from work early yesterday (first time she's that early) and probably knew something was fishy. She apologized saying that she acted like a bitch (quoting), and even though she was still feeling sick, she spent the evening and night with me and showed much affection the whole time ... then this morning a lot of cuddles and everything else until she left for work again, now we're QQ'ing happily. I notice that she needs closer contact again, wants to stay in touch all the time.

So maybe this is an age thing, maybe she is still trying to make up her mind, maybe she has the jitters, maybe she is a bit bitchy, maybe she doesn't know what love is about ... hard to say. I did spend an unexpectedly nice evening with her yesterday, now I am undecided again about what to do fundamentally speaking, but short term I will give this a chance, let it flow and see what happens. I have more distance to this now and think I can use my instincts and rationale again. As Vince said, she might be more girl friend material, in any case, she will have to prove to me that she can be more as I do have my doubts now.

One thing I have learned is to play differently, while I took some of the little girl behavior with a smile before, I now get back at her immediately and make sure she knows it's not appropriate, usually in a playful way.

Jeff, the shopping spree was really not one, she doesn't let me spend on her, I have no worries there. She's not an only child but the eldest of 3, so more responsibility than her siblings it would seem.

About loving more than being loved, hehe I have a funny impression all of the sudden. Since cooling off over the last few days, my communication with her obviously cooled off too, no more I love you's etc, a lot less flowery. Well all I can say is that she misses it and is compensating by giving me more. Maybe this is just a different way of showing love and affection. My Chinese ex was a bit the same the first month or two, kissing not so comfortable, really anything else than holding hands was awkward to begin with. But after a couple of months this all normalized and we had a great relationship, she really needed to learn, and her future lover will certainly be happy with her training

As for me, I guess is wait and see and don't give up. Maybe I should go back to the initial motto: Expect nothing and be prepared for everything.

More when there is more to tell! Thanks all again for your support!
Frank

[jeffm]

Wow this thread is suddenly becoming popular! Alll the better for me, more brains to pick, thanks so much for you input all of you!

Tuesday morning update:

Honestly I don't know what to do, but I feel a lot better than during my previous posts. She came back from work early yesterday (first time she's that early) and probably knew something was fishy. She apologized saying that she acted like a bitch (quoting), and even though she was still feeling sick, she spent the evening and night with me and showed much affection the whole time ... then this morning a lot of cuddles and everything else until she left for work again, now we're QQ'ing happily. I notice that she needs closer contact again, wants to stay in touch all the time.

So maybe this is an age thing, maybe she is still trying to make up her mind, maybe she has the jitters, maybe she is a bit bitchy, maybe she doesn't know what love is about ... hard to say. I did spend an unexpectedly nice evening with her yesterday, now I am undecided again about what to do fundamentally speaking, but short term I will give this a chance, let it flow and see what happens. I have more distance to this now and think I can use my instincts and rationale again. As Vince said, she might be more girl friend material, in any case, she will have to prove to me that she can be more as I do have my doubts now.

One thing I have learned is to play differently, while I took some of the little girl behavior with a smile before, I now get back at her immediately and make sure she knows it's not appropriate, usually in a playful way.

Jeff, the shopping spree was really not one, she doesn't let me spend on her, I have no worries there. She's not an only child but the eldest of 3, so more responsibility than her siblings it would seem.

About loving more than being loved, hehe I have a funny impression all of the sudden. Since cooling off over the last few days, my communication with her obviously cooled off too, no more I love you's etc, a lot less flowery. Well all I can say is that she misses it and is compensating by giving me more. Maybe this is just a different way of showing love and affection. My Chinese ex was a bit the same the first month or two, kissing not so comfortable, really anything else than holding hands was awkward to begin with. But after a couple of months this all normalized and we had a great relationship, she really needed to learn, and her future lover will certainly be happy with her training

As for me, I guess is wait and see and don't give up. Maybe I should go back to the initial motto: Expect nothing and be prepared for everything.

More when there is more to tell! Thanks all again for your support!
Frank

The important points you spoke of above I highlighted.  You got her back by showing you were pulling away.  I read a book once of a well known Psychologist specializing in men and how they screw up relationships.  One of his main sayings is spot on and I believe in.  It goes "The Power in a relationship lies with the one who needs it the least".  By those points above you were/are showing you have walk away power.   In some strange way this attracts women.  Knowing this myself I threw this approach out the window with the one girl I fell in love with.  I turned naive and too accommodating, and in turn got burned because I gave all the power in the relationship to her.  Fatal mistake I will not make again.  

Sorry for the mistake about your girl being an only child.  Yes she probably is more responsible being the oldest of three.Frank regarding being a popular thread I just picked this up from page one and read the whole thing with my jaw dropped to the floor.  Most of it was a carbon copy of what I experienced.  

I could write a book on the personal and business experiences I've had the last 13 months in China lol.

[brett]

Yeah this thread is very interesting. One thing I have noticed is that now that I have known my girl for 4 months I am starting to get to know her character a lot more. I can also judge her mood on QQ. There is still plenty that baffles me though, and it's difficult to get answers without a translator.

Perhaps we need to start some FAQs here. Despite all our trips to China I still don't think that we collectively know that much about what we're doing :huh:.

I would like to meet my girl's parents again, and perhaps take them on a day out. I feel that their relationship is a good guide as to what my girl is looking for in a relationship.

I also read that Men from Mars/Women from Venus book. Most of it is common sense I guess but the basic message of a man needing to feel wanted and a woman needed to feel cherished was good.

I also suspect my girl and I were a little unsure about each other, and subconsiously we were able to pick that up.

[jeffm]

Brett

I hope you weren't referring to me when I was talking about that psychologist.  I wasn't referring to that book at all.

[brett]

I guess my wording was a little ambiguous there but I wasn't implying you read that book. I guess all psychologists will say much the same thing though, it's just that some write it down and make millions of dollars from what they know :icon_cheesygrin:.

[Willy The Londoner]

I also read that Men from Mars/Women from Venus book. Most of it is common sense I guess but the basic message of a man needing to feel wanted and a woman needed to feel cherished was good.

Don't tell me that the women are ten feet tall and have 6 fingers!!!! or is that another thread?

Willy