insecurities

[maxx]

I'm reading some of the posts today And it seams that there is a common thread.In the posts.Some of the members are talking to women with insecurity issues.

So instead of jamming up there posts with my opinion and observations.I thought I would start my own thread.

Are a lot of Chinese women in secure with themselves? yes allot of it has to do with the way they have ben treated.By the men in there lives.And Chinese society as a whole.

Are all Chinese women insecure? No I know a couple who can drink Kerosene and piss fire.My sister in law is one of them.She takes no shit from no man.Or anybody else.

Most of the members here are married dating talking to women who were born before the one child policy.So there is competition between brothers and sisters.There not boys so most of them haven't had it to easy.If they are divorced with children in China.There chances of getting re married to a Chinese man.Are zero to not at all.

So they sign up for a marriage agency.With not allot of hope.They talk to a couple of foreigners and nothing comes of it.So they slip a little farther down the insecurity ladder.Then something does come of it.

So it is a whole new shot at life love happiness.But like us there is a little spot in the back of there mind.This can't be real.Why would foreign man come all the way to China to talk to me.Nobody has ever payed that much attention to me.

Then like us they get to over thinking this.And self doubt wrecks them as fast or faster then us.

About the best way to stop the insecurity issues from even getting started.Is to put a stop to it before it gets started.Flowers gifts.love poems written in Chinese.Surprise calls.Basically you need to show them that they are more important to you.Then anything else.

With some Chinese women the insecurity issues are on going.Even after they are married and have kids.So you have to reassure them everyday that they are and will always be the most important thing to you.

They do have forums like this in China.Some of them are good some of them are not so good.Some of them are filled with down right lies.Some of the women do read those forums.Then the over thinking starts.Then the self doubt begins.And once they get started down that rd.It is a hard cycle to break.

[shaun]

Maxx,

Heading me off at the pass I see.  Good job and good thread.  You have given several good ideas here and I thank you for it.  I have been racking my brain all weekend with how I could overcome this issue and yes I would like to head it off a the pass.

Hopefully other wise ones who have run the race for a while will off things that worked for them too.

Shaun

[RegnisTheGreat]

What about those of us who are looking for those born after the one child per family policy?

[ttwjr32]

Maxx,
Good points here as i have seen them first hand. And i agree wholeheartedly
with the point  REASSURANCE REASSURANCE that will stop the insecurities
from becoming a large issue. I have reassured mine so much she now reassures me
that she is the best for me. hahahaha

[JimB]

I agree with you Maxx, plus the ones that were married, most of their husbands cheated on them.  My wife had her husband leave her for her best friend.  When she came home from having Qingqing, he put her and the baby in their own room and never slept with her again.  But she toughed it out for 8 years like that and she would have kept it up if he had not cheated on her even though she hated him.  So I reassure her each and every day, 1.  i love her, 2  she is the only woman I will ever love again forever no matter what happens and 3.  I miss her terribly.  (all three are true by the way)  I am the only one that would screw this relationship up.  She will never, no matter what.

[maxx]

Regnis thegreat it ussualy isnt a problem with the women at the age group your looking at.They ussually already know.That they are # 1

If you have found a woman that is in secure.The same suggestions that I offered before.Will still work in your case.A women is a women.They all just want to know that they are appreciated and loved.And that you will be ther when things are bad.

[Johnboy]

Thank you Maxx,

I don't always agree with what you post or the advice that you give, but this post is a real eye-opener for me and I am very grateful for the insight you have given me in to why many Chinese women feel insecure and perhaps unwanted and unloved.

I sense that the women I am writing to, although young and never married, has hidden insecurities and has suffered a hurtful relationship, and what you have written gives me a better understanding of that and how to proceed with our relationship.

Thanks again, I am indebted to your experience.

Johnboy

[Hans]

And I thought that I was the insecure one all the time... :s

Of course, the ladies have their doubts and feelings of insecurity just as we do. I think the best way is to discuss it as openly as possible. But then I always want to discuss things in the open with my friends and girlfriends, I am just no good at pretending. Sometimes that can come across as "too honest" for some and be misinterpreted. Just like Maxx says, though, try to show her those little signals now and again and remind her what she means to you. Tell her. Also, tell her about your plans to visit her, how your Chinese studies are going and let her know about the preparations for the trip, step by step, when the time comes.

Early on when I started writing letters to my lady, I brought up that I was cheated on before and that this had made me more careful. She told me of a similiar experience she had had and suddenly we could both share our feelings of insecurity and fears of not being good enough for someone or being cheated on.

[shaun]

Maxx,

Thanks again for opening up this thread. It is a timely thread as we are talking about looking for ways to see if we are talking with a translator or with the actual woman. This morning as I was talking with Peggy and it hit me.  Yes they need the re-assurance but if the are not asking if you love them in the EMF or web cam if that is what you are doing or they were asking and now they have stopped then something is wrong.  I would suggest they are not interested in you.  I am not an expert on women in China and do not profess to be since I have talked with just a small handful of women.  There has been a lot of talk of late in how to tell if it is a woman or the translator is talking with you.  If a woman is not asking for re-assurance I would say that you are not talking with the woman but the translator.

Shaun

[Vince G]

Shaun, I'm going to take it a little further. If your lady has asked a few times if you love and and then stops? Depends on your response to it but if you said lets just say, I wish you wouldn't ask this so much? The translator may edit it out knowing it may disturb you? Just an suggested opinion.

[Brian Mc]

Excellent thoughts, Maxx.

And I have had more than one women tell me that other men wrote to her saying that they loved her and would visit and give all the romantic words, etc....and then they just disappear into nothing and are never heard from again...so one thing I would add is...if you are going to start getting romantic and saying "loving" things to them, make sure you MEAN IT!!! And NEVER say something you don't come through on...be consistent and dependable.
Scott

Greetings Brothers,

Maxx thanks for this excellent thread, perfect timing as usual.

Scot I agree completely.  I have heard it from so many of Zhen's friends and from the ladies at the agency where men write and promise the moon then after a couple months they vanish never to be heard from again.

I tell Zhen many many times a day that she is beautiful to me and that I love her and every single time a smile lights up her face.  yes I also show it to her in actions as well but they love to be told too.  As Scott says once you start saying these things you cannot just stop.  They will figure something is wrong really quickly.

To me many of these women seem so tough and secure in their own world able to make the hard decisions and take no BS from anyone, yet at the same time when it comes to love they seem like little girls with their first boyfriend.. so eager and full of love and trust and joy.  It takes a real cold man to shatter this for them and unfortunately some of them have been hurt moe than once.

Even from seeing the ladies at the school where i work and the things for sale in stores people from the west would think them to be teenagers.  many things like bed sheets and dishes have comic or disney caracters on them and ladies in their 30's and up have this stuff all over their house, so they seem young and niave.  However they truly are much stronger than most of us but when they get hurt they really hurt so perhaps it takes them longer to trust each time.

Anyway just my thoughts.

Sincerely,

Zhen and Brian

[Peter]

There is also another kind of insecurity... the one about leaving China and moving to a new country.. to leave her family and everything that she is used to and know about. Even a secure woman can have her doubt about this. This is a giant step for her and she will be asking herself many times if it is the right thing to do. This is the time when you have to talk about the new family you are building together and the new home that you will share. Give her the facts and don't try to make fact better then they are. If you do she will be very disappointed in the end.. I know because I have been through this for the last couple of weeks but I manage to turn this insecurity to something that she is looking forward to. Now she can't wait to come to me and start her new life. I guess that I will have to go through this more than once in the future..

Peter

[chen yan]

Maxx, You know women so much

[maxx]

Chen Yan thank you very much.Thoose are nice words to hear from a woman.

[Danny]

The women think well of you, Maxx. How much is that worth to you? *laughs*