ugh, setbacks

[Neil]

I know it's the tests of faith that help us grow into better people but I really didn't need this.  Turns out my separation agreement my ex had me sign was never filed, she has the only copy.  Even if I could get it tomorrow, which I can't, it'll be a tight squeeze to fit it in before August when I plan on going to China.  Best case scenario I'll be going to China with a passport that says separated.  I likely won't be able to marry my girl this trip but I can put a positive swing on that and we can plan a proper wedding with family invited.  I would love to have my parents at my side at our wedding.

I know it's a bit early to be thinking about marriage when we haven't even met yet.  My biggest concern is I don't want to mislead her.  I also don't want to ruin our relationship by telling her I simply can't marry her.  We've talked of marriage but nothing specific, just that we want to be married.  She's not an impulsive young girl, she's an adult and I'm sure she needs to get to know me in person.  She may even want to visit Canada before making any final decisions.  

The feeling in the pit of my stomach is gone just having written this much.  I guess I just need some support from the brotherhood and I know it'll all work out in the end.

[Martin]

I know it's a bit early to be thinking about marriage when we haven't even met yet.

Not really.  Zhifang and I talked about marriage before we had met...and on my first (and so far only) trip to China, we got married.  Neil, don't worry about what others think...we are all in the same boat here, and understand you.  Others got married on their first trip.

As far as getting married in China, you would need more than a separation agreement.  You will need an actual divorce.  After you get a divorce, you will need to get a Certificate of Marriageability...also known as a Single Certificate.  I am certain the Chinese have a consulate in Vancouver.  I hired an immigration firm to help me with my certificate...this might be something you might want to consider, as the 6 hour drive to Vancouver might be a bit much.

Just curious, are you right in Revelstoke?  I had supper the other night in Craigellachie.

[Hajo]

I agree with Martin on the marriage time frame. Me and Vicky have known each other for four weeks now and it has been a blast. We are saying marriage in almost every letter lately. I expect that we will decide to get married in the next three to four weeks. I expect to return as a married man from my trip to China in August.

There is nothing to worry about that. But I can see your problem with the single certificate. As I don't live in the states, I don't know your rules over there. But I wish you that you will find a solution to your problem.

[Rhonald]

Martin is right - you need to get divorced first. Being seperated means you are still married by law. Since I just went through a divorce with my ex, I can tell you that you do not need to file a seperation agreement. We never had any written document to our seperation. You just need to be able to prove that you have been living apart, ie: seperated for 1 year, then you can file for divorce. The bad news is that once you file for divorce, it can take 4 to 5 months before aproved. Mine took almost 5 months from 1st filing until I got my divorce. But this was Alberta and maybe B.C. is faster. Since I had a child under 16 I had to also take a course on raising a child as seperated parents. It was mandatory here in Alberta. Talk about a slap in the face. It was not me that wanted to be seperated - but from misfortune came my chance to find a new life and new love.

You will get frustrated while trying to file for your divorce. Checking the mailbox everday for the letter saying your divorce is approved so you can proceed with your new girl plays hard on your emotions. Now it is checking the mailbox looking for news from immigration the keeps me in suspense. The daily little dissapointments requires fortitude, so I wish you strength and prudence on your journey.

[Martin]

My divorce took just under 4 months...but we had a separation agreement, and it was a joint application, which made it much faster.  My divorce was finalized on Feb 6...then it was a rush to get the single certificate, before heading to China at the end of March.  Got it done...but it would have been easier had I gotten divorced much earlier, instead of leaving it to the last minute.

[Neil]

Oh yeah, I know, I was working on the divorce with my lawyer, that's how I found out my separation agreement's not at her lawyer's and I don't have a copy.  It's an amicable divorce and I just need a copy of it to finalize it.  If I'd kept a copy of it, I'd be divorced by now.

[Neil]

Thank you Mike.  I was pretty down all night at work tonight but you're absolutely right.  So I might not be able to get married this trip, I can definitely go and have a great time anyway.

[Sylvain D]

Neil, whatever happens, I would say that if you can't marry right now in China with your lady, you will do it later. It just will take some more time, but... you will both enjoy that moment, so, nevermind about it And between your next trip to China and the time where you will marry, you will share more and more things, for sure
Anyway, the only thing I think to "memorize" is that you know what you want to do, whatever it can take some time... or not
As man can say, too, going slowly... but surely

[Danny]

I was in the same situation nearly twenty years ago, when I fell in love with my first wife, a beautiful Hungarian woman, who passed away about a year ago. So long as you're serious about explaining the situation with your woman, it shouldn't be a problem.

You just have to think about the long term. You plan to be with your new woman for twenty years at least. What's a delay of six, even twelve months. It's like nothing. And besides, if there's nothing you can do about it, there's no point in worrying about it, or making yourself unhappy.

[Vince G]

Dan has a few points there. I have posted this before but :s I or I should say we, made plans depending on our meeting. It's been left open if and when we would marry. We both agreed to figure this out once we meet. This give either of us a way out if needed and no promises broken. It ranges from getting married the first day to waiting a few visits.

So tell her what you need to. There may be a problem but you will fix it as soon as you can. She may except this not wanting to rush it either?

[Peter]

Danny is right... Be honest and tell her about your problems. You will find out how much she really care for you.. I didn't get married on my first trip because my divorce wasn't finished. Instead I will get married on the trip in July...

[Neil]

Well, she needed a day to get her thoughts in order and it was a rough day for me, but she's behind me 100%.  I don't know how I lucked out with such a wonderful woman.  You know, she was the first to send me an admirer mail.  I had her on my favorites but figured she was too pretty for me at first, she must have had lots of guys messaging her.  So freakin happy!  It must have been the chocolate.  

[Ed W]

Wow Neil. How frustrating this must be. I hope it all turns out well in the end. Keep up the good fight and see it through. It sounds like she'll wait as long as she needs to and I remember when I had to lay some not so great news on my lady, now my wife, and she didn't skp a beat and stuck behind me 100%.

Stay the course.....It'l work out.

[JimB]

Neil, everything happens for a reason. You may not like what is going on but it will work out for the better.  Trust me on this.  I have heard that since I was a little boy.  My mother has always said this.  She again told me when I was going crazy about my divorce.  I did not want it at the time, but my ex insisted.  Now I have Angel. We are getting married in August. My life has taken a turn that i could never have foreseen. I am happier right now than I have almost ever been in my life. (The birth of my children and Grandchild are no.1)
  The knowledge that she is backing you no matter what is a big reason right there.

[David]

Just be honest and up front with her Neil.  If you love each other it will work out in the end.  I agree with the previous advice...
go for the divorce asap.  And let you lady know what you are doing.  Good luck with your relationship!:heart:

Big Dave