Understanding Chinese Women

[JamesM.Roberts]

You are right Ted in my instance it was just that -petty jealously- I was just  (in my mind) being polite. The girl seen that I was American and said Hello and I responded with Ni Hao and flashed the peace sign- In Ping's mind she saw a threat-she saw somebody trying to come between us.
I always wondered why she insisted that we walk everywhere we went( taxi's were cheap-I had money) It wasn't until I arrived home that I realized, she was showing me off -that she was proud to be seen with me.
I don't know if this is the solution or not, but I have tried to start to see things through her eyes and hope by building her self confidence up, she will soon realize that I am not going anywhere

[RobertBfrom aust]

James , most of the ladies except the very young have been subjected to by their ex's that the grass is greener over the other side of the fence , the fact that they are keen to build up a relationship with us along with the fact that there are another 10,000+ ladies in any 1 city also eligble to date makes them very protective of their man , but all is good , we whities learn quick , regards Robert and Sujuan .

[shaun]

James building their self esteam is the key issue.  Just to say you will not put up with it only drives it deeper and eventually it will display itself again but in a much worse fashion.  You are on the right track.  That has been and is what I am doing.  After a little over 5 months I can see a difference but it does not go away overnight.  You'll need to be consistent in what you do.

In my case with the phone issue all I can do is assure her that I am there with her and nothing will change that from my point of view.  The no looking at other women is important because you are right about the fact that they are showing you off.

When her friends tell her that you are a good man that you didn't check them out you are beginning to hit home runs with your sweetheart.

Shaun

[Jan]

I found another interesting post:

Why the Chinese don’t say ”I love you”

Yan Wenhua, professor of psychology at Shanghai’s East China Normal University, says part of the answer lies in the difference between ‘high context’ and ‘low context’ cultures.

High context cultures (for example, Chinese and other East Asian cultures), have a strong sense of tradition and history, and change little over time; while low context cultures (for example, American culture) change dramatically from one generation to the next.

People from high context cultures don’t say things clearly or specifically, but instead derive meaning from the context – what you might call ‘reading between the lines.’ In low context cultures, people generally say what they mean.
.
“Chinese culture is like this,” says Prof. Yan. “I tell you everything around the center. So you must know what I mean. From all the information I give you, you should know; you cannot miss it.’”

In the high context Chinese culture, actions speak louder than words, especially when it comes to love.
“To the Chinese mind, if I do all these things for you, then you should know I love you,” explains Prof. Yan.

Prof. Yan says modern Chinese are more likely to say ‘I love you’ in English or other foreign languages than they would in their mother tongue.

“If Chinese say ‘I love you’ in English, it’s like touching someone’s arm who is wearing a coat. If they say it in Chinese it’s like touching the skin, it’s very sensitive. ‘Wo ai ni’ is very specific. It means responsibility, commitment, loyalty, if you say it.”

“In Chinese people’s eyes, if I say ‘I love you’ too often, that is, use a high context way to say it, then maybe you don’t really love me because you say it so much,” says Prof. Yan.

According to Prof. Yan, Chinese culture has devised other ways to express adult love. “Instead of saying ‘Wo ai ni,’ Chinese people are more likely to express the same meaning in a different way. They might say, ‘If I have a next life, then I would like to be your husband or wife.’”

“We Chinese also have a saying: ‘Xin you ling xi yi dian tong,’ which means we have common points beyond language. Even if we don’t speak, you can sense what I sense; you can feel what I feel.”

About face

The other part of the reason why Chinese people don’t say “Wo ai ni” lies in the concept of ‘face.’

“Chinese people don’t want to lose face or let others lose face,” says Prof. Yan. “If I say, ‘I love you,’ and it isn’t reciprocated then that’s a loss of face. So Chinese people use subtler ways to express their love in order to save face.”

James Farrer, Associate Professor of Sociology at Tokyo’s Sophia University, and author of 2002’s Opening Up: Youth Sex Culture and Market Reform in Shanghai, agrees with the saving-face hypothesis.

“George Simmel [the 18th-century German sociologist], said Eros is always about revealing and hiding, revealing and hiding,” says Prof. Farrer. “In any culture there’s this element of showing something and keeping something back. It’s a way of self-protection.”

“In Chinese culture, to say ‘I love you’ is too touchy, too creepy; it opens one up too much. So people find other ways rather than say it directly,” adds Prof. Farrer.

“In Shanghainese, it’s ‘Wo huan xi nong’ (I like you), or in Mandarin ‘Wo xihuan ni.’ The Japanese say ‘Suki de’ (I like you). ‘Like’ is a way of expressing affection; it’s playful, not so serious.”

Why so serious?

Sharon Lui, a marriage and family therapist at Community Center Shanghai, says not saying ‘I love you’ can sometimes cause problems in Chinese relationships.

“I have one case where the husband never said ‘I love you’ until his wife said ‘I want to leave you,’” says Liu, who counsels both Western and Chinese couples with rocky marriages.

“‘Wo ai ni’ is really difficult for Chinese to say,” says Liu, “because essentially the phrase means a solid commitment.”

“In the Chinese culture we don’t really have ‘casual dating.’ We’re either boyfriend and girlfriend, or just friends. We don’t have this Western dating concept where two people go out on a date that doesn’t really mean anything.”

Liu says Chinese also look at love, or passionate, intimate relationships in a much more functional way than Westerners.

“Chinese get married because they need to have children, or because of societal or parental pressure. They ‘fall in love’ because it’s the social norm. It’s more functional then feeling oriented.”

But times are changing. “The younger generation are more open to the dating concept, or what the Americans call ‘seeing each other,’” says Liu. “But in the last generation they don’t have that. Saying ‘I love you’ is pretty much like saying ‘I want to marry you.’”

http://guangzhou.urbanatomy.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=429:why-the-chinese-dont-say-qi-love-youq&catid=144:features&Itemid=12

[Neil]

Interesting post Jan, thanks.

[shaun]

Yes very good Jan.  I agree and disagree with what was said.  Peggy has never had a problem saying, "Wo ai ni.

Interesting read.

[JamesM.Roberts]

Yes very good Jan.  I agree and disagree with what was said.  Peggy has never had a problem saying, "Wo ai ni.

Interesting read.

Yes but she is only saying it to you! solid commitment-  Lucky Man-Keep up the good work!!!

[ttwjr32]

 that was a very interesting article to say the least. but one thing we must never lose site of

 trying to figure a woman out is virtually impossible and when you throw in a few thousand years
 of culture, well your pretty much finished in trying to figure her out. just be KIND,GENEROUS,LOVING
 and that will keep you in good shape and out of the dog house.

[Jan]

This one is quite long and really interesting:

What are Chinese Girls Really Looking for in a Husband?
Empirical Research
http://middlekingdomlife.com/guide/dating-marital-preferences-chinese-women.htm


And this website seems like really good as well. So I'm going to read more from there.

From another artice, the same webpage

if a Chinese girl agrees to go out with a man on what we would call a first date, she is formally acknowledging this man as a viable candidate for marriage. If she agrees to a second date, then she is consenting to the distinct possibility of marriage. A third date for a traditional Chinese girl will commonly be perceived as indicating mutual intentions of marriage in the foreseeable future. Western men need to be aware at all times that dating and courtship in China are really this rapid and simplistically linear.

http://middlekingdomlife.com/guide/dating-etiquette-sex-relationships-china.htm

A sure-fire way to confirm that the girl is quite serious about you is if you learn that she has spoken to her mother about you. As a rule, girls will not discuss any man they are seeing (not even with their girlfriends) unless they have decided that this is the person they want to be with. Related, if the girl invites you to meet her family, this is symbolically equivalent to a formal announcement of engagement in the West. It would be best not to agree to meet her family unless you have marriage in mind.

If the girl explicitly tells you that she "really likes" (wǒ hěn xǐhuan nǐ), "loves" (wǒ ài nǐ), or "misses" you (wǒ xiǎng nǐ), you need to keep in mind that these words have a far greater and significant meaning in China than they do in the West. When a Chinese girl expresses these sentiments to you or displays any type of physical affection at all, it typically means that she has already "chosen" you as a future spouse.

In China, meeting the girl's parents is tantamount to an announcement of engagement in the West. Unless you are seriously considering marriage to this girl, do NOT agree to meet her parents.

Hmm

By all means I don't take all of this for granted. But it gives quite good guidelines.

[Arnold]

Thank you Jan , your Article's kept me and my wife up till after midnight looking them over and talking about them in a very detailed fashion . Before going to sleep .. I told my Wife that " I Like you " very much . hahaha

[shaun]

Arnold, I think your wife is very appreciative that you can finally say that you like her.     You've come a long way. 

[Arnold]

Arnold, I think your wife is very appreciative that you can finally say that you like her.     You've come a long way. 

Yeah , took me almost two and a half year's to get the nerve to say that .
want to start out SLOW and work my way to " I love you " maybe by 2020 

[Rhonald]

But Arnold...... I remember pictures of the two of you playing Tennnis. Didn't you keep score? Because if you did, then you would have already used the "L" word 

[Arnold]

But Arnold...... I remember pictures of the two of you playing Tennnis. Didn't you keep score? Because if you did, then you would have already used the "L" word 

NO NO , in Tennis we don't keep score and in Badminton it was a Tie . The only time I used the " L " word .. was when I was lost for words . Chinese words that is .

[Jan]

Hmm my girl is now writing to me "Wǒ xǐhuān nǐ" "I like you".

When a Chinese girl expresses these sentiments to you or displays any type of physical affection at all, it typically means that she has already "chosen" you as a future spouse.

Hmm. I think things are going good. Now just to see her on December. And see how things will go when us two are in person.

But until that I will try to keep looking for some articles like these I have already posted. For myself and for us all. To get further on my quest for understanding Chinese women better.


Oh a side note to those that can understand pinyin. In my Chinese study book ther was this funny saying: “Māma mà mă ma?” . Who can solve the mystery what does that say  ?