Author Topic: Advice, please  (Read 5965 times)

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rockycoon

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RE: Advice, please
« Reply #15 on: February 13, 2010, 11:37:36 pm »
Quote from: 'mustfocus' pid='31614' dateline='1266116941'

You know, before you got in touch with her you had her picture as your wallpaper?  In some places, that'd be considered stalking. :icon_cheesygrin:



1. Don't worry about it, if she does not write right away, you have things to do, so do them and wait till your computer says you got mail.  Old
american saying is "a watched pot never boils" I think you can apply that in this case.  I have a friend that has not written for a week, and she always writes right away, however with spring vacation, I know she will
when she gets the chance.  I on the other hand, am working at other
things that need fixing or repair, and although she is on my mind, I know that I need to get things done, instead of watching the computer screen.

2. It's only considered stalking if her picture is hung on the bathroom wall...:icon_cheesygrin:


3. I like scottish Robs method, and will apply it this summer/fall.  That is to go there and let one find you in person.  No emf's, translators, or agency's to deal with.  It's much better to meet one like that, then picking from a bunch of airbrushed pictures.  I've gone the route now and I can tell you for my part it's useless, at least it was for me.  So like Rob, if you want one...go and get the real thing.  Besides it will be a nice
vacation.

trwme

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RE: Advice, please
« Reply #16 on: February 13, 2010, 11:39:39 pm »
Quote from: 'mustfocus' pid='31614' dateline='1266116941'

You know, before you got in touch with her you had her picture as your wallpaper?  In some places, that'd be considered stalking. :icon_cheesygrin:


Well, technically, I have been in touch with her before I put her pic on my puter...sent her a cupid and she responded, lol. Anyway, just something about her smile....I'll leave it at that until we see how it goes.
Quote from: 'rockycoon' pid='31626' dateline='1266122256'

Quote from: 'mustfocus' pid='31614' dateline='1266116941'

You know, before you got in touch with her you had her picture as your wallpaper?  In some places, that'd be considered stalking. :icon_cheesygrin:



1. Don't worry about it, if she does not write right away, you have things to do, so do them and wait till your computer says you got mail.  Old
american saying is "a watched pot never boils" I think you can apply that in this case.  I have a friend that has not written for a week, and she always writes right away, however with spring vacation, I know she will
when she gets the chance.  I on the other hand, am working at other
things that need fixing or repair, and although she is on my mind, I know that I need to get things done, instead of watching the computer screen.

2. It's only considered stalking if her picture is hung on the bathroom wall...:icon_cheesygrin:


3. I like scottish Robs method, and will apply it this summer/fall.  That is to go there and let one find you in person.  No emf's, translators, or agency's to deal with.  It's much better to meet one like that, then picking from a bunch of airbrushed pictures.  I've gone the route now and I can tell you for my part it's useless, at least it was for me.  So like Rob, if you want one...go and get the real thing.  Besides it will be a nice
vacation.


Hi Rocky, thanks for you advice. I can use all I can get from those with experience.

1. Yeah, guess I'll have no choice but to wait, since I picked the busiest time of the year for them to contact her, lol. Probably a good thing since I do need to do a couple of things to get positioned...just in case.

2. Naw, she ain't entered my fantasy life...

3. I'll keep that in mind. We will see how it goes, there is a long road ahead of me before I get TOO excited about anyone. Right now I am just in learning mode...about the culture there, and her. I really liked her profile though, and what she said in her cupid response to me. Of course....how much is her and how much is the translator...maybe I should try to meet the translator? lol. We'll see how it goes, what she brings out in me, and what I bring out in her. It may last a week, or forever, no telling at this point. I've always wanted to visit China anyway, this'll be a good excuse. Maybe if I am lucky, she will be a good excuse to go to China.:icon_biggrin: And there's also my original contact there, who I've had a private email convo going with for a bit now.

Believe me, before I go I'll be asking Rob (and others) for a few pointers and advice. I'm looking at least a year before that can or will happen though. I'm a big believer in things working themselves out as they should be. Lord knows I am not going there because I am desparate or can't find someone here. I am just sick and tired of western women and I want to explore some new horizons.
« Last Edit: February 14, 2010, 12:08:57 am by trwme »

ttwjr32

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RE: Advice, please
« Reply #17 on: February 14, 2010, 02:18:35 am »
Rocky,

the walking around dumfounded and looking like a lost puppy worked well
for Rob and will work well for anyone as a good chinese lady has that good
nurturing in her heart and she will want to care for you :icon_cheesygrin:

Trme,
be careful the translator might be a chinese man writing :icon_cheesygrin:
so meeting him would be fruitful    hahahaha

Trme,
having her as wallpaper must mean she really has you smitten already so
be careful as she will have you married on the first trip there.:-/

hope it all works out well for you

trwme

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RE: Advice, please
« Reply #18 on: February 14, 2010, 08:31:41 am »
Quote from: 'ttwjr32' pid='31641' dateline='1266131915'

Trme,
be careful the translator might be a chinese man writing :icon_cheesygrin:
so meeting him would be fruitful    hahahaha


8~0....man there is a lot of ways to go with that one! The thought did cross my mind tho....
Quote


Trme,
having her as wallpaper must mean she really has you smitten already so be careful as she will have you married on the first trip there. hope it all works out well for you


Well...once smitten twice shy? lol. I guess I have to plead guilty to that to a point. But I am also a realist who has met several (and even already married once)  women online. I guess we'll see if I feel smitten or bitten once the convo gets going good....

The probability is she'll run away screaming once I fill her in on my past, and I am brutally honest about my past-and boy, I have a past. If she makes her way past my past, we might have a future:icon_cheesygrin:
« Last Edit: February 14, 2010, 08:33:41 am by trwme »

David5o

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RE: Advice, please
« Reply #19 on: February 14, 2010, 08:56:32 am »
-

trwme,

I fail to see why you have to bring up your past at all!! ...Different if you haven't learnt life's lessons and consider yourself to be the same as you were then.... But i very much doubt that!!!

If you have a bad past, don't now let that past have any control or influence on your future. The past is exactly that...''it's in the past''.
So let the person you are now, shine through and let others judge you on the present and the future....

 If later your wife/lady wants to know anything about your past, then tell them, but there's still no need to go into the fine details, what purpose would it serve?? ...Absolutely none at all. Stay in the present and plan for the future, life's lessons have been learned from the past, so there's no need to go revisiting!!!

David.......

Offline JimB

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RE: Advice, please
« Reply #20 on: February 14, 2010, 09:28:27 am »
As usual David is absolutely right.  I agree with him.

Jim
Maxx's 24 hour rule, learn it, live it.

Offline odysseus007

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RE: Advice, please
« Reply #21 on: February 14, 2010, 09:30:35 am »
Oh but David, his past may be worth quite a bundle ! I heard Jim Cameron bought the rights and is planning to make a blockbuster called "The Past & The Spurious" :icon_cool: It's about a regular nice guy who takes on an alien persona and infiltrates a totally alien culture and give the women a helluva time. Who knows maybe Brangelina may even do a cameo.
« Last Edit: February 14, 2010, 09:34:13 am by odysseus007 »
Men are great thinkers coz they have 2 heads (just don't think with the wrong one!) & women are great talkers coz they have 2...:icon_cheesygrin:

trwme

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RE: Advice, please
« Reply #22 on: February 14, 2010, 10:18:20 am »
Quote from: 'David5o' pid='31683' dateline='1266155792'

-

trwme,

I fail to see why you have to bring up your past at all!! ...Different if you haven't learnt life's lessons and consider yourself to be the same as you were then.... But i very much doubt that!!!

If you have a bad past, don't now let that past have any control or influence on your future. The past is exactly that...''it's in the past''.
So let the person you are now, shine through and let others judge you on the present and the future....

 If later your wife/lady wants to know anything about your past, then tell them, but there's still no need to go into the fine details, what purpose would it serve?? ...Absolutely none at all. Stay in the present and plan for the future, life's lessons have been learned from the past, so there's no need to go revisiting!!!

David.......


Hi David, thanks for your advice, and it is something I've considered. And I realize the merits of what you are saying here. But now, I am going to show a different side of myself, and go all spiritual on ya ;~)

The past is what has shaped us to be what we are now. To me you can't understand who you are, or who someone else is, until you understand your/their past and how it's shaped them. I want someone who understands me. I want to understand them. You can't come to an intimacy of spirit without it, imho. Maybe I'm wrong, and maybe the women in China look at this differently, and that's why I am putting this stuff out here to you guys, who know the lay of the land a lot better than I do over there in that culture.

There are certain things that a person should know, imho. For example, what about someone who has been married multiple times? Shouldn't you share that? Or should you act like they are the first one you ever fell for? As a hypothetical based on that, if you are going to ask someone to move thousands of miles away from the support system they have grown up in, to a place where they know no one and have no support system of friends and family, isn't it the honest thing to do to in giving them the relevant information, rather than telling them after the fact? Eventually they will find everything out anyway. Shouldn't they know those things before they come and are isolated by language and cultural barriers, and the thousands of miles between them and their family/friends support system? What do you think that would do to a person's emotions towards you, and the way they think about you, if after settling in to a life with you far from what they've ever known-and believe me, that's a HUGE adjustment-they find out you were keeping things from them they would have liked to have known about before making such a life altering decision?

I'm not going to give every little dirty detail. But I've had tons of women in my life-tons. I am sensitive to the fact that for some women, that may be a huge red flag they deserve to know before investing their hearts and emotions in me. If they know that up front, they won't feel betrayed when(if) they are here and someone lets the cat out of the bag. And that cat WILL come clawing out of the bag. I want to do the right thing from the beginning, so there is no mess to clean up later. I am not at this to serve myself, or just find something for myself. It's about them moreso than about me-because in the end, I will still be in the familiar place I've grown up in, with the friends I've aquired who know me.

Just something I am wrestling with right now, and since it's out there, I'll welcome everyone's input.

Quote from: 'odysseus007' pid='31687' dateline='1266157835'

Oh but David, his past may be worth quite a bundle ! I heard Jim Cameron bought the rights and is planning to make a blockbuster called "The Past & The Spurious" :icon_cool: It's about a regular nice guy who takes on an alien persona and infiltrates a totally alien culture and give the women a helluva time. Who knows maybe Brangelina may even do a cameo.


lol...careful bro...that assassination squad has yer house staked out and are awaiting instructions on how to proceed....;~P
« Last Edit: February 14, 2010, 10:23:51 am by trwme »

David5o

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RE: Advice, please
« Reply #23 on: February 14, 2010, 11:37:53 am »
trwme,

Your past has a lot to do with shaping what you are today, Yes!! But it is who you are today that really matters, not what you WERE and not the past!!  If your going to cloud who you are NOW, by bringing up the past, what does that make you?? I can tell you something now, the Chinese women will have serious doubts about getting involved with you, if your intent in bringing up the past, especially if you want to go into detail about numerous marriages.... They want to know that this will be their Last marriage,

As you say those lessons from the past have been learnt, some the hard way, and others no so hard. No-ones saying to hide your past, just don't make a song and dance thing about it. You don't have to go into detail, that's for sure.

You say that she will be among your friends when/if she comes to the States, ...Are you saying that your friends are going to start telling her all about your maybe sordid past with other women ?? If you are ...change your friends, because i certainly wouldn't call such people ''my friends''

If you want to do the right thing from the beginning, ...Really, ...be who you are Now, you don't have to lie about anything, but you don't have to paint her a Technicolour picture either!!

Totally up to you what you decide to tell her, but Think Hard before you bring up your past, it COULD or WILL have an an Effect on her about, your sincerity towards her and your future together....

David.....

trwme

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RE: Advice, please
« Reply #24 on: February 14, 2010, 11:54:14 am »
Quote from: 'David5o' pid='31695' dateline='1266165473'

trwme,

Your past has a lot to do with shaping what you are today, Yes!! But it is who you are today that really matters, not what you WERE and not the past!!  If your going to cloud who you are NOW, by bringing up the past, what does that make you?? I can tell you something now, the Chinese women will have serious doubts about getting involved with you, if your intent in bringing up the past, especially if you want to go into detail about numerous marriages.... They want to know that this will be their Last marriage,

As you say those lessons from the past have been learnt, some the hard way, and others no so hard. No-ones saying to hide your past, just don't make a song and dance thing about it. You don't have to go into detail, that's for sure.

You say that she will be among your friends when/if she comes to the States, ...Are you saying that your friends are going to start telling her all about your maybe sordid past with other women ?? If you are ...change your friends, because i certainly wouldn't call such people ''my friends''

If you want to do the right thing from the beginning, ...Really, ...be who you are Now, you don't have to lie about anything, but you don't have to paint her a Technicolour picture either!!

Totally up to you what you decide to tell her, but Think Hard before you bring up your past, it COULD or WILL have an an Effect on her about, your sincerity towards her and your future together....

David.....


Thanks again David, you make valid points and I agree with you. I don't plan to go on and on about the past, that'd be living in it. Just some broad brush strokes, and then move on once she has asked any questions she might have. Whoever the 'she' may be in the end. I don't think my friends are going to talk about the sordid aspects, I just figure they will say something along the lines of, 'he's a good guy who's had a lot of bad women in his life, you better treat him good', lol. People can say things, meaning well, that can be taken in the wrong way by someone dealing with the insecurities any woman faces who moves to this country so far away from everything and everyone she has ever known. Add in language difficulties, and it could get confusing for her. I am just trying to consider in advance the woman's needs and feelings, and be sure I do right by her and serve her needs and protect her feelings.

Thanks again for your counsel and advice! I greatly appreciate you taking the time to offer it.

Offline Hajo

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RE: Advice, please
« Reply #25 on: February 14, 2010, 12:04:54 pm »
David is right. Do not make to much of it. My experience is that your future wife is mostly interested in if and how much contact you have to your earlier relations. I told my wife that I have been married twice before. But I did not tell details. My wife asks me if she has questions concerning my last ex. Then I answer her and that is it.

As you say, we are results of our experience. Most of the ladies are aware of this too. I think most people are interested in, who you are today. If your future wife is interested in why you are as you are she will ask you, I am pretty sure.

You mentioned that your lady responded a little slow in the last days. Well, spring festival is the biggest festival in China. All people are very busy. Everything should be back to normal again when the holidays are over. If you have the right feeling with her, stay with her.

Happy (Chinese) new year :icon_biggrin:
爱你的人如果没有按你所希望的方式来爱你,那并不代表他们没有全心全意地爱你。
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

trwme

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RE: Advice, please
« Reply #26 on: February 14, 2010, 12:13:54 pm »
Quote from: 'Hajo' pid='31697' dateline='1266167094'

David is right. Do not make to much of it. My experience is that your future wife is mostly interested in if and how much contact you have to your earlier relations. I told my wife that I have been married twice before. But I did not tell details. My wife asks me if she has questions concerning my last ex. Then I answer her and that is it.

As you say, we are results of our experience. Most of the ladies are aware of this too. I think most people are interested in, who you are today. If your future wife is interested in why you are as you are she will ask you, I am pretty sure.

You mentioned that your lady responded a little slow in the last days. Well, spring festival is the biggest festival in China. All people are very busy. Everything should be back to normal again when the holidays are over. If you have the right feeling with her, stay with her.

Happy (Chinese) new year :icon_biggrin:


Thanks Hajo. As I told David, I appreciate you guys taking to time to write and offer your advice to me. I'm starting to understand why some of you refer to yourselves as a 'brotherhood'. I'd be a fool not to take advantage of the experience and insights offered by those who have been there and understand these ladies far more than I do right now.

Scottish_Rob

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RE: Advice, please
« Reply #27 on: February 14, 2010, 01:13:56 pm »
Quote from: 'David5o' pid='31683' dateline='1266155792'

trwme,
I fail to see why you have to bring up your past at all!!

If you have a bad past, don't now let that past have any control or influence on your future.

 If later your wife/lady wants to know anything about your past, then tell them, but there's still no need to go into the fine details,

David.......


David
You know how much I admire your informative responses to things the brothers ask.....HOWEVER, on this point I have to disagree with you (sorry lol)

Within the first 4 emf's I send or recieve I find that the lady usually mentions she had a 'Bad Marriage' and ask's me 'Why' I got divorced, although there are others who don't want to talk about it.  This is a 'Good Way' to give and recieve more detailed relavent information about you/them.  By knowing and hearing this information will help shape the relationship that you have with the lady, well that's my opinion for what it's worth...
Quote from: 'ttwjr32' pid='31641' dateline='1266131915'

Rocky,

the walking around dumfounded and looking like a lost puppy worked well
for Rob and will work well for anyone as a good chinese lady has that good
nurturing in her heart and she will want to care for you :icon_cheesygrin:



Precisely Ted, what worked for me, may not work for others.  

This may sound stupid but there is a relavent point in what I am about to say, so guys don't jump down my throat...lol

This is WERE my lack of stature (HEIGHT) came into place..  Someone my size looking dumfounded, compare that to someone over 6 feet tall, there is no fear with my size, whereas a taller person can omit 'fear'...
« Last Edit: February 14, 2010, 01:19:00 pm by Scottish_Rob »

David5o

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RE: Advice, please
« Reply #28 on: February 14, 2010, 01:56:14 pm »
Rob,

I didn't say ''Not'' tell them anything about your past, i was saying that you don't need to go give a technicolour picture. I haven't told Lucy ALL about my past life, as i'm sure she hasn't told me all about her past. I know the basics, and that's all i need to know, and to be honest, ..want to know!!

What i took trwme was saying, was that he was going to tell All about his past, and maybe that would have included multiple marriages. What possible gain would come from volunteering that sort of detail to a possible future wife, especially to a Chinese lady?? That's a big difference from explaining away a single divorce, as in your case, ...especially if you happen to be the innocent victim in that divorce!!

Stuff from anyone's past, especially anything that's not particularly credit worthy is best left well and truly in the past. Far more important is what sort of person you are now, and will be in the future. In general when your young, is the time when you tend to make the big mistakes in your life, ...It's the learning curve period of life if you like, if your smart, you try not to make the same mistake twice. (but some will do exactly that) That part of your life will (or Should) have no resemblance to  how and what your like Now. It would have shaped us in many ways, and would have taught us many lessons, but the past should be left in the past!!


David.....

Vince G

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RE: Advice, please
« Reply #29 on: February 14, 2010, 02:20:51 pm »
Hajo? How are you? Hows married life? Been a long time since we saw you here.

For the others, I never give info on my past. Oh I'll tell them I'm divorced and things like that but to go into detail? A big NO! NO! First, they don't want to hear it. They may seem interested but they are gathering ammo for another time.

I found chinese women don't care to hear or say it anyway. No details. It's just like going for a new job. If you say in an interview the old boss was a idiot he didn't know.... whatever, the chance of getting that new job dropped to 0. They figure you'll talk about them just the same.